On days like this...I have to write...I woke up crying...I've literally cried all morning. Edison woke up in a foul mood and it went downhill from there. He threw the third biggest temper tantrum that I have ever witnessed from him. I would think that maybe my mood set his, but my plan this morning was to allow him to stay in bed and sleep a little later and Emily was going to take him to daycare. She asked me to turn his cartoons on before I left, and when I did, he popped up...ready to go! I told him that I had planned to let him sleep in but since he was awake I was going to go ahead and take him to Lil' Rascals. He threw a tantrum. Screaming, yelling, banging his head...he was off the hook. When I dropped him off at Lil' Rascals, he was still crying and snubbing. I cried all the way to work. When I got to Nicholasville Rd and Man-O-War, I decided to open my sunroof thinking a little sunshine in my life would help. Simultaneously, the song "Over You" by Miranda Lambert came on. I karaoked in the car with tears streaming down my face...music loud...sunroof open...singing to whoever could hear me...sometimes I feel so pathetic!
I love the song "Over You". It describes my feelings so well. I feel blessed that a new song like this would be released about the same time I'm going through this. This song will forever by OUR song. The Saturday before Curt died, Gabby had just left to go meet her Meme to see a movie and Curt had the remote flipping through like he always did and stopped when he saw the video to "Over You." He said "Miranda Lambert is HOTT with two T's" and we watched the video. I said "that horse is beautiful and this song is sad" and Curt said "it don't matter cause I'm watching Miranda" and I said "Fine! As long as I get to watch Blake later" and we had some silly conversation about Blake Shelton obviously getting a stylist after he met Miranda because all of the sudden he went from ordinary looking to hott. Now, when I see the video, the white horse reminds me of Curt's horse, Silver, and when Miranda finally walks up to the grave and sings, "It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone"...I take a big deep breath.
There is so much about that song that reminds me about my life...at the very beginning, one of the lyrics says, "Weatherman says, it's gonna snow, right now I should be, used to the cold." Yep...I should be used to my reality of loneliness right now. It was nice to experience 6 months of something different...but here I go again on my own...going down the only road I've ever known...(woops! I got off on a different song there).
And then it says, "It was only December...and I still remember, the presents, the tree, you and me." and that takes me to a memory of Curt. Every other year, I wake up on Christmas morning...alone. This past year, Curt was going to do the same thing and he didn't like it any more than I did. That was the first night he spent the night with me...because he didn't want either of us to wake up alone on Christmas morning. I have a big L-shaped couch and he slept on one side and I slept on the other, with our heads next to each other. On Christmas Eve, we kept the lights on the tree lit, we wrapped Gabby's presents and my kids' presents, and he helped me clean my house so it would be ready when the kids came the next afternoon. He was soaking a country ham in my kitchen sink. On Christmas morning, he came in the living room and said, "I've got to go out to my truck for a minute, will you fix me a glass of water?" I said, "Why don't you just grab a bottle of water from the fridge?" and he said, "I just want a drink. I don't need ice or anything, just some water in a cup." I said "okay" and I went into the kitchen, grabbed a cup, turned the water on and he had TAPED the sprayer and it was aimed right toward me and soaked me! I was so surprised I couldn't even turn it off and I turned around and there he was laughing so hard and I was yelling "Curt Davis!!!" and he was yelling, "Turn the water off!" as it continued to spray all over the kitchen! I was screaming, "You get over here and turn it off!" I'm pretty sure it was all a ploy to have a wet t-shirt contest on Christmas morning. We both ended up drenched! And he ended up mopping my kitchen floor :-)
That was the first time I asked him, "Are you 33 or are you 13?" and then a few weeks later, he had a birthday and I can't tell you how many things he had done that I turned around and asked, "Are you 34 or are you 14?" He was like a big kid...and made a point to do something fun and to find something to laugh about every single day of his life --- even if it meant he was laughing at someone else!
In an attempt to take away the sadness, I love to think of things that Curt did that made me laugh or smile, and of course, that doesn't always help, but laughter through tears is a wonderful emotion. If you've never experienced it, then you have never watched the movie, Steel Magnolias.
The boy loved WWE Wrestling. I used to watch it years ago and had stopped. That's not really a program that a single girl sets her DVR to record. I had recently started watching it again and was surprised to see that some of the wrestlers are the same and learning who the new ones were. Edison had become a big fan as well. I am partial to Randy Orton. That man has a body that doesn't stop. Anytime that Edison would watch wrestling and see Randy Orton, he would say, "There's Curt!" Curt laughed his big ol' laugh and said, "There's your fantasy and here stands your reality." Fantasy worlds are nice, but I loved my reality. When the divas would come out to the ring, Curt would drool like all men do and I threw his words back at him, "There is your fantasy and here sits your reality." He told me he liked his reality and I'm pretty sure he did.
Having something tangible - something you can touch, smell, feel, hear - is so much better than the alternative. Like I said, I was enjoying my reality. I didn't care about fantasy. Death made him intangible...and it seems so unfair!!
Last night and this morning, I was remembering all the crazy shows he forced me to watch. He had both of his tvs set to record some show 24 hours a day. Monday night RAW and Friday night Smackdown were on the list as well as any other wrestling shows. In the six months we were together, I watched two WWE Pay-Per-View events with him. He talked all the time about having ring side seats the last time Smackdown was at Rupp Arena. He had taken Gabby with him and had tons of stories from that night. New Circle Road was backed up on Newtown Pike one day last week and I went home via downtown. As I drove past Rupp Arena, scrolling across their marquee was "WWE Monday Night Raw coming July 28. Tickets on Sale May 19". He had already told me that when wrestling came back to Rupp, we were there, but said if he was buying three or four tickets this time, he wouldn't be buying ringside. In addition to wrestling, we watched Storage Wars, Call of the Wild, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Operation Repo, Gold Rush, Gold Rush Alaska, Bering Sea Gold, American Digger, PawnStars, Swamp People, Ax Men, shall I keep going???? Some of them I liked, others I didn't, but when I flip through my tv now, I tend to stop if any of these are on, always hoping I can recall a memory from watching a past episode with Curt.
I recently found three videos on my phone where I can hear Curt laughing in the background. I like to listen to those from time to time. I'll share them with you all when I'm ready. I was also glad to find a text message sent to me by Gabby with a voice message attached where she had recorded Curt saying "Dana...Dana Renee'" and then Gabby asks..."Dana Renee/???" Of course, these are all precious. It makes me want to go out and make recordings of everyone that I love so I can have them to keep...just in case...
Okay...so the panic seems to have gone away for now...I don't want to forget anything and already, some of it is slipping away. I have to remind myself what he sounded like and how it felt when he hugged me and with every day that goes by, those things get further away and yes, I know the words..."they say I'll be okay." I have some days that have been easier...where I know that I will be okay, but right now, I don't want to forget anything and so I hold on to what I can.
While there is nothing good about the fact that Curt is now gone, I have some peace knowing that he didn't make the choice to leave me and he didn't leave me or anyone else that he loved because he wanted to. Curt Davis left this world feeling loved and he was happy with his life. The most peaceful thing for me is knowing he left this world loving me!
"They say I'll be okay...but I'm not going to...ever get...OVER YOU." --- That is the reality.
To see the video..."Over You" by Miranda Lambert...our song
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