Sometimes...

For those of you who follow my blog, you know that I am not one to shy away from expressing my feelings.  I admit that I hold back somewhat because I never really know who is reading.  I also feel confident that none of you truly care about my feelings, or if you did, you are tired of listening by now.  Sometimes, the pain that I feel is so overwhelming I want to scream!  The biggest feeling I struggle with now and I have struggled with for some time is that of being lonely and the fear that I will leave this life lonely.  Unless you have truly experienced the loss of a spouse, either through a divorce that you did not want or through death, I don't think you can understand what I feel, nor do I want to feel it.

I can share with you this...I HATE it when people say...

• "God has a plan"  
• "The right guy will come along when you least expect him" 
• "Quit looking and love will happen"
• "You can never be lonely if you have God in your life"
• "Be patient"
• "You're looking in all the wrong places"

Trust me, you don't want to hear what goes through my mind when I hear one of these statements.  My response is usually "I know...you're right...someone's out there..." [with a big smile on my face while fighting back tears] and the truth is...maybe he is and maybe he isn't.  Maybe God's plan is that there is no right guy, that he will never come along, that whether I quit looking or not it may never happen, that I can have God in my life but still crave the companionship of a mate, that patience has absolutely nothing to do with it and if I looked in the "right places" I'm still never going to have this void filled.  There!!!  That's what I really feel.

Let me try to explain two of the loneliest experiences I have had since my divorce...

Scenario #1.  The loneliness of having surgery and being dropped off at home afterwards to an empty house with no one to do anything for you.  Now...I must admit that the outpatient clinics said that I was not to be left alone but that I begged my mother to do just that.  While I was in surgery the first time, my Dad broke his foot.  When my mom stopped at Wal-Mart to fill my prescription, she told me that my Dad was in the ER in another city.  Of course, she had to go be with him.  That's what spouses do and I wanted my mom to be with my dad, that's where she is supposed to be!  She dropped me off at my aunt's house and I went to her guest bedroom and cried myself back to sleep to sleep off the anesthesia.  My aunt took perfect care of me but that's not who I wanted...simple as that!  The second surgery, all I wanted to do was go inside my empty little house and cry again, mostly because the person who had relieved my mother from these duties 20 years earlier was no longer there. My mom is a nurse, she would have been a wonderful caretaker, but the point is she is not the person that should be taking care of me at this point in my life!

Scenario #2.  The loneliness of waking up on Christmas morning and your children, one who still believes in Santa Clause, are not there.  Christmas morning...a day when you feel like everyone else in the world is waking up to wonder and excitement and you don't even want to wake up, let alone get out of bed.  Thankfully that feeling only comes every other year and yes...this is the year.  I try to pass it off as "Oh, I'll save money...I don't have to buy extra gifts from Santa..." but that is bull crap!!!  No mother who celebrates Christmas wants to wake up on Christmas morning to quiet, empty, loneliness.  Yes, I know it's a "season" but December 25th is Christmas morning...that's when parents celebrate the santa/gift part of the holiday with their children! 

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for my family and friends because they are truly wonderful.  After both surgeries, my mother knew that I was struggling with some difficult feelings and when I say I begged her to leave me alone, it doesn't mean that she didn't call to check on me or send others by the house to keep me company.  The last Christmas when I was without children, I had some friends bring gifts by the house so I would have something to open on Christmas morning.  My sister invited me to her house for breakfast with her family and they too, had gifts and made me feel very special.  I am thankful that people try to fill the void in my life.  I am blessed to be a Believer and to have great friends and wonderful family.

My point is that sometimes...the loneliness cannot be filled by others and I don't know how to "fix" that.

iLove my iPhone and my kids too!

Has it been 4 months since I last posted?  Indeed it has...

The past few days have been difficult for me and I don't really know why.  I think I'm depressed that Steve Jobs died.  Is that possible?  I never met him but his ideas intrigue me and he was obviously an incredible man!!  He's been likened to the Thomas Edison or Henry Ford of our generation.  No doubt he has earned a page in the history books with his innovative and creative technological breakthroughs. 

Apple = iTunes, iPod, iPad, iPhone

My favorite gadget of all time...the iPhone

• The device I feel I cannot live without. 
• My link to friends and family.  
• My source of world, national, state and local news. 
• My sense of direction and GPS. 
• My alarm clock.
• My check register.
• My newspaper.
• My entertainment. 
• I can Google, surf the internet, check my Facebook and message people.
• I can look up words in a dictionary and find out how to pronounce them.
• I can practice my Spanish and learn new words.
• I can order a pizza from Papa Johns.
• I can determine which shade of OPI nail color I need.
• I take photos and edit them.
• I take videos and splice them.
• I watch movies and listen to Podcasts.
• I check my e-mail.
• I maintain 1030 songs which would be approximately 85 CDs.
• I always have the Holy Bible with me.
• I always have a flashlight, phone and iPod handy.
• This device helps me determine how I should dress myself and my son depending on the weather.
• It's the object of whose whereabouts I know more than my own son always know. 
• The piece of equipment I carry with me from room to room
• "my precious"
• MY iPHONE

Steve Jobs' dream became my reality and for that I am greatful.  I found out yesterday that Steve Jobs was adopted.  In 1955, his birthmother made an adoption plan.  Mr. and Mrs. Jobs gave him opportunities he may not have had if he had remained with his birth family.  As a matter of fact, his birthmother could have chosen abortion and if that had been the case, we would have never been introduced to Apple products, a Mac computer or the handy little touch screen gadgets so many of us are now accustomed.  While thanks should be given to his adoptive family for giving him the opportunity to be creative, many thanks goes to his birth family for giving him the opportunity to BE! 

All three of my children have iPod Touches and my daughters' each beg for an iPhone.  Myself?  I would really like to have an iPad for Christmas. 

And now for an update on the MOST important things in my life...my kids...

We recently celebrated Emily's 18th birthday.  That.  is.  crazy.  It seems not long ago Wasband and I had chosen two names.  Austin Cade for a boy and Emily Ann-Katherine for a girl.  We had decorated a precious nursery in mint green with a Hey Diddle Diddle theme.  I admit I was not that thrilled the Saturday she was born when I was told SHE was a girl.  I don't know why...for some reason I had convinced myself she was a boy.  It didn't take long at all for me to fall in love with my beautiful baby girl - the first to call me "Mama".  She has always been a very pretty child with gorgeous auburn hair, big brown eyes and a beautiful smile.  Anyone who spent much time at all with us quickly learned that Emily was born with an attitude.  If you can recall her fiery spirit at 8 days, 8 months or 8 years...try 18 years!  She's still as headstrong as ever and I love her more everyday as she is maturing into a young lady I am very proud of.  My dream for Emily is that she not get so hung up on being 18 that she misses out on the freedom of being dependent on her family.  Life Happens before you know it and you wonder where all the time went.

Kensley is playing soccer for two teams.  She plays on the local recreation league with what will be her Middle School team in the spring and had the opportunity to play on the high school JV soccer team as an 8th grader this fall.  In my opinion, she has awesome abilities as I've watched her develop into a more aggressive and competitive player!  She absolutely loves the sport and I enjoy watching her play although 7 days a week of soccer is wearing this soccer mom OUT!!!  Kensley is doing well in school and just tonight one of her teachers approached me at the football game to tell me how much he truly enjoyed having her in class.  He talked about how smart she is, how sweet and kind and how he enjoys her sense of humor.  That's my Kensley!!!  Of course I think she is beautiful too.  Her big brown eyes are full of life and she has a gorgeous smile that deserves to be on a toothpaste commercial.  She makes the funniest faces, can quickly change the lyrics to any song she's singing, loves music, and can quote movies galore.  Along with Kensley's love of music comes her enjoyment of dancing.  I continue to encourage her to dance as if no one is watching...even if they are...because she is really good!

Edison is in preschool this year and is crazy about his teacher, Mrs. Adams.  He's also playing soccer and scored three "golds" at one game and two at another.  He was so proud of himself and of course, this soccer mom is his biggest fan!  His attention span on the soccer field is very short and quite frequently you will hear the coach say, "Edison, pay attention!"  "Edison, watch the ball!"  "Hey Edison, go go go!" or my personal favorite... "Where's Edison?" (because he's on the sideline talking to me or getting a drink).  He keeps all of us laughing with the funny things he says and continues to insist that we answer all of his "why" questions.  For the most part, he keeps me smiling, it's the whining I can do without.  He is smart, super cute and rotten to the core!  Another soccer mom asked me the other day..."how do you discipline him? he is so cute I don't think I could if he was mine!"  Of course, right at that time, he was running around the soccer field laughing and my goodness, when he laughs, he has the sweetest smile and  little dimple on his left cheek that would melt the Grinch's heart!  It's not always easy, but I try my best.  After disciplining him for something the other day he said "Mom, you are mean!" and he kept saying over and over in the back seat "You are a mean mom!".  I quietly responded by saying, "When you say that I'm mean...that means I'm doing my job!"  He looked at me and then he hushed and a few minutes later said "You are my best mommy."  Yes, my heart melted all over again for the love I have for that boy!