Hey Curt,
I've had a pretty crappy couple of weeks. Actually, the past two months have not been all that great...but July 2nd is quickly approaching. I was so excited for the six of us to go on vacation together and I know that you were too. We had teased that either we would come back ready to make a commitment or it would cause a break-up. Who knows what would have happened? I guarantee we would have had fun though...we always did when we were together :-)
So...I'm leaving this weekend. Me and my kids and my mom are headed to Florida. Thank goodness for my Mom, I don't know what I would do without her. Jeremy is staying at my house and he and Daddy are going to dog sit Mason. Mason is a great dog but he gets quite destructive when left alone. He also will not eat if no one is home. I hope he will eat while I'm gone! He got nervous after you died and started chewing on a place on his back but the hair is finally growing back in so I guess that means he is adjusting well.
Mason's 1st birthday is tomorrow! I finally registered him the other day. The people who gave him to you had named him Mason Xanadu but I changed his name. According to the CKC (Continental Kennel Club) I am the proud owner of a male, red merle, Australian Shepherd born June 29, 2011 and his official name is Mason CurtDavis. Now, anyone with registered puppies from him will know that he belonged to you...that's why I chose that name. He is an excellent guard dog - very protective of me and Edison - a little too protective sometimes. He hates when I discipline Edison! I had to get on Mason one night for acting crazy when Edison was throwing a tantrum. Now, when Edison is in trouble, Mason goes and lays in my closet. He can't stand it!!! I never really wanted a dog but having Mason has been great! I love having him around to keep me company.
So, I've wondered how we would have ended up driving to Florida. You kept going back and forth between taking my car or your truck or renting something bigger. Last I heard, you said we were taking your truck and going Hillbilly style with all of our stuff strapped on the flatbed - LOL. You also said you couldn't leave Mason behind. I'm not sure where he was going to ride??
Oh...and I think the plan was to Nair your back before we left - hahaha!! You and your hairy back. It was your idea though...you said you wanted it shaved, waxed or Naired. I think I wanted to wax because I knew that would be the most painful and you wanted to Nair because that would be least painful. I'm laughing as I type this because we had this silly discussion way too many times and would always start laughing.
There's a song that has been on my mind for awhile. I hadn't heard it in a long time and heard it a few days after you died. I felt like it was a song "sent to me from you" and when I heard it, I immediately thought of how sad it was going to be when I got to the ocean without you. I know I'm going to think about you a lot. I plan to relax and enjoy the sand and the sun. I have no doubt that I will miss you being there but that I will feel your presence. Mostly, I want to come home with a clear mind and a fresh start knowing that you will always have a special place way down deep inside my heart...
PLEASE REMEMBER ME/Tim McGraw
When all our tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in me
Way down deep inside my heart
The days keep coming without fail
A new wind is gonna find your sail
That's where your journey starts
You'll find better love
Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Just like the waves down by the shore
Your gonna keep on coming back for more
'Cause we don't ever wanna stop
Out in this brave new world you seek
O'er the valleys and the peaks
And I can see you on the top
You'll find better love
Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Remember me when you're out walkin'
When snow falls high outside your door
Late at night when you're not sleepin'
And moonlight falls across your floor
When I can't hurt you anymore
Chours:
You'll find better love
Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Please remember me
That's exactly what I want and I hope this week away will help me get there.
One more thing...the girls are mad! They intended to have access to your MiFi wireless internet for the ride down to Florida and for our week in Florida. Now...that's not gonna happen. What am I gonna do with two teenagers without internet access for a week including 28 hours in a car? I guess we'll be playing license plate BINGO and lots of I SPY - haha! I'm thinking about tethering my phone but that will mean I will lose my unlimited data plan and I'm not sure that is a good financial decision. I'm always having to make a decision and I HATE making decisions.
I wish you were still here, Curt...I wish things were different...I wish you were going on vacation with me...I wish so many things...
I love you,
Tie Dye
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Sounds Good To Me!
Once again, it was proven to me, that you never know what will happen from one moment to the next! I left for work Tuesday morning - early for a change - with the anticipation of arriving at work early enough to finish a home study. It doesn't matter that that was my plan, because obviously, it was not the plan for my life that day.
While driving on the Nicholasville bypass, I noticed my car seemed to lose power, but I was slowing down and didn't think much about it until I stopped at a stop light and attempted to take off again. My car would not go fast. Pedal to the floor and it wouldn't go into second gear. I pulled over. I put the car in reverse. It goes backward. I put it into drive and it goes forward. I accelerate and it doesn't respond. CRAP!
I just sat there for a few minutes, thinking the worst, like it was probably going to be a major repair like a new transmission or something and found myself asking, once again, the question I find myself asking a lot lately...
"WHY ME?"
...and then I started to cry. Just a few tears and actually they didn't even fall down my cheeks. I looked at myself in the rearview mirror, wiped them away and said, out loud, "Don't cry! You big baby! You got this!"
As usual, the first call I made was to my Mom, knowing that if she answered I would probably start crying. She didn't. She was still asleep.
Next I called my friend Danny Lane of D & D Towing. I just happen to still have his number on speed dial from all the times I called him to tow the Swagger Wagon when I was driving it. Our conversation went something like this...
Ring, Ring
Danny: Hello?
Dana: Hey Danny. It's Dana Woods. (pause) Where are you?
Danny: (laughing) You don't even want to know. Where are you?
Dana: Sitting on the side of the road in Nicholasville.
Danny: Okay. I'm in Myrtle Beach but let me give you a number to call.
Dana: I had a feeling you were going to tell me you were at the beach.
I told him I was hoping to go to the Beach in two weeks, but a new transmission might nix that. He gave me the number to Crown Towing. When we hung up, I realized I couldn't call Crown until I could figure out where to have my car towed. I had no clue where to take it! So I started making more calls.
First, I called my nephew, Jase. It's early in the morning. He didn't answer.
Next, I call Curt's friend, Steve. It's early in the morning. He didn't answer.
I call another friend and he gives me some suggestions.
Then I try to call my friend, Jennifer, to get her husband's number because he is a mechanic. She doesn't answer.
I try my Mom again...she still doesn't answer.
So, I sit there a few minutes thinking...CURT!!!! I need you right now!!!
I needed Curt Davis, the mechanic!! If he were still alive, he would have probably been in Nicholasville that morning or at least on his way. He would have answered my call and come to my rescue. He would have probably taken care of getting Patti to the shop where he could take a look at her and complained the whole time that she was foreign and that he hated to work on cars because they were too small and his hands were too big and they sat too close to the ground to get up under them to do what he needed to do!!!
I know this, because I had heard all the complaints before! When I met Curt, I drove the Swagger Wagon. I bought Patti last summer when Curt and I were not even seeing each other. Most of my readers know that when I bought Patti, Emily started driving "Swaggie", the 1999 Chrysler Town and Country Minivan. Curt helped take care of "Swaggie" on a few occasions. He installed Emily's new stereo on Christmas day and a few months later, the starter went out. He diagnosed the problem, told me I needed a starter. I made a call to my friend, Brian Driskell, who manages CarQuest, and picked up the starter. Curt put it in and complained the entire time and then discovered the van needed a new battery. When he got Swaggie back up and running, he brought the keys into Emily and said, "Emily...your mom paid for your starter. I bought the battery. If I hear you being disrespectful to your mom or she tells me that you aren't treating her the way you and I have discussed that she needs to be treated, I will repossess my battery. Okay?" Emily understood and was thrilled to have Swaggie back in service.
I've needed Curt, a few times since his death, to repossess his battery :-( but that's another story.
I sent Steve a message: "My car is broke down in Nicholasville. I'm getting ready to have it towed but don't know where". Still didn't hear from him.
Five minutes later I send Jennifer a message: "I need your hubby's number. My car is broke down."
I update my status on Facebook that says "Good morning to me! Broke down on the side of the road."
And then my phone starts BLOWING UP! With FB notifications from my friends making sure I'm okay and offering help. And then the phone calls start coming.
First Steve calls and tells me I can have it towed to his shop and he and Jase will take a look at it and if he can't fix it he can get it to someone who can. Okay...sounds good to me.
Jennifer texts me Marvin's number. I told her I had a plan but if it didn't work out I'd talk to Marvin. She assured me that Steve and Jase would take care of me. Sounds good to me.
I call Crown Towing. I tell him where I am and where I want it towed. He asked what Danny normally charged me and I couldn't remember. He told me he normally charged $150 to tow to Lancaster but that he would do it for $125 since I was a friend of Danny's. Sounds good to me.
While on the phone with everyone else, my Mom called. I call her back and tell her my dilemma and that I need her to come and get me. After we hung up she sent me a text message that said "Do you want me to come now?" My response "Yes please". She's on her way. Sounds good to me.
I try to call my friend Larry, who works for the Sheriff's Department where I'm sitting, to let him know where I am so the police will not put one of those crazy hot pink stickers on my car window to let other law enforcement officers that my car has been "checked" while it sits waiting for the tow truck. He doesn't answer.
I call my boss to let her know that I'm going to be a little late getting to work but that I will get there...eventually!
I play around on Facebook and enjoy the A/C and my stereo while waiting. Put my car in reverse and drive a few times hoping it was all in my imagination. It was not. I worry...feeling once again that nothing in my life goes right and everything is out of control.
I call State Farm and talk to my friend, Todd, who confirms that I have towing on my insurance policy. He said he will write a check reimbursing me $90.00 as soon as I drop the receipt by the office. Sounds good to me. He also confirms that most tow bills from Lexington or Nicholasville to Lancaster are $150 so I did get break. Sounds good to me.
I write a check to Crown Towing and put it and my keys where I was instructed. I write a note to let any police officers know that the tow truck should be there by 10 a.m. While getting everything together, my mom pulls up behind me. Behind her, a Nicholasville Safety Officer pulls in. I put my belongings into my mom's car and tell the SO that the tow truck will be there around 10. She radios in and saves me the trouble of having to remove the sticky stuff from those horrible hot pink stickers at a later time. Sounds good to me!
We drive back to my Mom's house and then I'm finally on my way back to work...driving her car. When I drive through Nicholasville, I see Patti on the back of the tow truck. I know there is nothing cute about a car taking a ride on a tow truck, but I thought she looked so cute sitting up there!!!
When I get closer to Lexington, I get a text message from my friend, Wanda, which said, "I just saw Patti ride through town on the tow truck."
When I was walking into work, my nephew Jase called. He said "What up?" and I said, "Nothing...are you at the shop yet?" and he said "Yeah...they just unloaded your car...I'm guessing that's why you tried to call me this morning?" I told him it was and I was just trying to figure out where to take it. He asked me what it was doing and said he had just woke up and was changing his clothes when I called and he forgot to call me back. I remind him that he should always answer when his Aunt Dana calls!
I'm still not sure what's wrong with my car. I'm grateful to my mom and dad who have allowed me to drive one of their cars. They are driving Swaggie because, due to his advanced age, he can't travel very far anymore and I drive many miles each day.
When I finally talked to Steve, I told him I was worried that I hadn't heard from him because he has a history of not returning my calls when he has bad news.
Rewind 8 weeks earlier: When I heard that something was wrong with Curt but didn't know what...the first person I called was Steve. I asked him to go to Burger House to find out what was going on and to let me know. He immediately went. When I didn't hear from him, I tried to call him back and he didn't answer. I sent him a text and he didn't respond. Deep down...I knew why he wasn't calling me....but I was holding on to hope that he was going to tell me what hospital they were taking Curt to. Late that night, the day Curt died, I got a text message from Steve apologizing that he didn't tell me. When I saw him for the first time afterwards, he just looked at me and said, "I couldn't be the one to tell you, Dana. I couldn't. I'm sorry." I completely understood and I never thought anything about it or any less of Steve because of it. It meant so much to me that he dropped what he was doing and immediately went to check on Curt when I asked him to go. I'm sorry that he saw Curt like he did just because he was trying to do something for me. I also asked Steve to do something else for me after Curt's death. Everyone who knew Curt considered his truck an extension of him. We all wanted his truck and trailer at his funeral. I asked Steve to drive Curt's truck to the funeral and to the cemetery, never really thinking how difficult that might have been for him. He did it...for me and for Curt. He kept saying "I got this!" That's one of my catch phrases for life now..."I got this!" and that's what I said when I looked at myself in the mirror to make myself stop crying! Steve and Tamra have become close friends since Curt's death. Tamra even went with me to see Curt's headstone for the first time on Thursday night. That was difficult and I'm glad she was there.
I heard from Steve about my car...he said "I don't know for sure yet but I don't think it's that bad." Sounds good to me!
I'll keep y'all posted :-) as I continue praying that it won't be an expensive repair!
While driving on the Nicholasville bypass, I noticed my car seemed to lose power, but I was slowing down and didn't think much about it until I stopped at a stop light and attempted to take off again. My car would not go fast. Pedal to the floor and it wouldn't go into second gear. I pulled over. I put the car in reverse. It goes backward. I put it into drive and it goes forward. I accelerate and it doesn't respond. CRAP!
I just sat there for a few minutes, thinking the worst, like it was probably going to be a major repair like a new transmission or something and found myself asking, once again, the question I find myself asking a lot lately...
"WHY ME?"
...and then I started to cry. Just a few tears and actually they didn't even fall down my cheeks. I looked at myself in the rearview mirror, wiped them away and said, out loud, "Don't cry! You big baby! You got this!"
As usual, the first call I made was to my Mom, knowing that if she answered I would probably start crying. She didn't. She was still asleep.
Next I called my friend Danny Lane of D & D Towing. I just happen to still have his number on speed dial from all the times I called him to tow the Swagger Wagon when I was driving it. Our conversation went something like this...
Ring, Ring
Danny: Hello?
Dana: Hey Danny. It's Dana Woods. (pause) Where are you?
Danny: (laughing) You don't even want to know. Where are you?
Dana: Sitting on the side of the road in Nicholasville.
Danny: Okay. I'm in Myrtle Beach but let me give you a number to call.
Dana: I had a feeling you were going to tell me you were at the beach.
I told him I was hoping to go to the Beach in two weeks, but a new transmission might nix that. He gave me the number to Crown Towing. When we hung up, I realized I couldn't call Crown until I could figure out where to have my car towed. I had no clue where to take it! So I started making more calls.
First, I called my nephew, Jase. It's early in the morning. He didn't answer.
Next, I call Curt's friend, Steve. It's early in the morning. He didn't answer.
I call another friend and he gives me some suggestions.
Then I try to call my friend, Jennifer, to get her husband's number because he is a mechanic. She doesn't answer.
I try my Mom again...she still doesn't answer.
So, I sit there a few minutes thinking...CURT!!!! I need you right now!!!
I needed Curt Davis, the mechanic!! If he were still alive, he would have probably been in Nicholasville that morning or at least on his way. He would have answered my call and come to my rescue. He would have probably taken care of getting Patti to the shop where he could take a look at her and complained the whole time that she was foreign and that he hated to work on cars because they were too small and his hands were too big and they sat too close to the ground to get up under them to do what he needed to do!!!
I know this, because I had heard all the complaints before! When I met Curt, I drove the Swagger Wagon. I bought Patti last summer when Curt and I were not even seeing each other. Most of my readers know that when I bought Patti, Emily started driving "Swaggie", the 1999 Chrysler Town and Country Minivan. Curt helped take care of "Swaggie" on a few occasions. He installed Emily's new stereo on Christmas day and a few months later, the starter went out. He diagnosed the problem, told me I needed a starter. I made a call to my friend, Brian Driskell, who manages CarQuest, and picked up the starter. Curt put it in and complained the entire time and then discovered the van needed a new battery. When he got Swaggie back up and running, he brought the keys into Emily and said, "Emily...your mom paid for your starter. I bought the battery. If I hear you being disrespectful to your mom or she tells me that you aren't treating her the way you and I have discussed that she needs to be treated, I will repossess my battery. Okay?" Emily understood and was thrilled to have Swaggie back in service.
I've needed Curt, a few times since his death, to repossess his battery :-( but that's another story.
I sent Steve a message: "My car is broke down in Nicholasville. I'm getting ready to have it towed but don't know where". Still didn't hear from him.
Five minutes later I send Jennifer a message: "I need your hubby's number. My car is broke down."
I update my status on Facebook that says "Good morning to me! Broke down on the side of the road."
And then my phone starts BLOWING UP! With FB notifications from my friends making sure I'm okay and offering help. And then the phone calls start coming.
First Steve calls and tells me I can have it towed to his shop and he and Jase will take a look at it and if he can't fix it he can get it to someone who can. Okay...sounds good to me.
Jennifer texts me Marvin's number. I told her I had a plan but if it didn't work out I'd talk to Marvin. She assured me that Steve and Jase would take care of me. Sounds good to me.
I call Crown Towing. I tell him where I am and where I want it towed. He asked what Danny normally charged me and I couldn't remember. He told me he normally charged $150 to tow to Lancaster but that he would do it for $125 since I was a friend of Danny's. Sounds good to me.
While on the phone with everyone else, my Mom called. I call her back and tell her my dilemma and that I need her to come and get me. After we hung up she sent me a text message that said "Do you want me to come now?" My response "Yes please". She's on her way. Sounds good to me.
I try to call my friend Larry, who works for the Sheriff's Department where I'm sitting, to let him know where I am so the police will not put one of those crazy hot pink stickers on my car window to let other law enforcement officers that my car has been "checked" while it sits waiting for the tow truck. He doesn't answer.
I call my boss to let her know that I'm going to be a little late getting to work but that I will get there...eventually!
I play around on Facebook and enjoy the A/C and my stereo while waiting. Put my car in reverse and drive a few times hoping it was all in my imagination. It was not. I worry...feeling once again that nothing in my life goes right and everything is out of control.
I call State Farm and talk to my friend, Todd, who confirms that I have towing on my insurance policy. He said he will write a check reimbursing me $90.00 as soon as I drop the receipt by the office. Sounds good to me. He also confirms that most tow bills from Lexington or Nicholasville to Lancaster are $150 so I did get break. Sounds good to me.
I write a check to Crown Towing and put it and my keys where I was instructed. I write a note to let any police officers know that the tow truck should be there by 10 a.m. While getting everything together, my mom pulls up behind me. Behind her, a Nicholasville Safety Officer pulls in. I put my belongings into my mom's car and tell the SO that the tow truck will be there around 10. She radios in and saves me the trouble of having to remove the sticky stuff from those horrible hot pink stickers at a later time. Sounds good to me!
We drive back to my Mom's house and then I'm finally on my way back to work...driving her car. When I drive through Nicholasville, I see Patti on the back of the tow truck. I know there is nothing cute about a car taking a ride on a tow truck, but I thought she looked so cute sitting up there!!!
When I get closer to Lexington, I get a text message from my friend, Wanda, which said, "I just saw Patti ride through town on the tow truck."
When I was walking into work, my nephew Jase called. He said "What up?" and I said, "Nothing...are you at the shop yet?" and he said "Yeah...they just unloaded your car...I'm guessing that's why you tried to call me this morning?" I told him it was and I was just trying to figure out where to take it. He asked me what it was doing and said he had just woke up and was changing his clothes when I called and he forgot to call me back. I remind him that he should always answer when his Aunt Dana calls!
I'm still not sure what's wrong with my car. I'm grateful to my mom and dad who have allowed me to drive one of their cars. They are driving Swaggie because, due to his advanced age, he can't travel very far anymore and I drive many miles each day.
When I finally talked to Steve, I told him I was worried that I hadn't heard from him because he has a history of not returning my calls when he has bad news.
Rewind 8 weeks earlier: When I heard that something was wrong with Curt but didn't know what...the first person I called was Steve. I asked him to go to Burger House to find out what was going on and to let me know. He immediately went. When I didn't hear from him, I tried to call him back and he didn't answer. I sent him a text and he didn't respond. Deep down...I knew why he wasn't calling me....but I was holding on to hope that he was going to tell me what hospital they were taking Curt to. Late that night, the day Curt died, I got a text message from Steve apologizing that he didn't tell me. When I saw him for the first time afterwards, he just looked at me and said, "I couldn't be the one to tell you, Dana. I couldn't. I'm sorry." I completely understood and I never thought anything about it or any less of Steve because of it. It meant so much to me that he dropped what he was doing and immediately went to check on Curt when I asked him to go. I'm sorry that he saw Curt like he did just because he was trying to do something for me. I also asked Steve to do something else for me after Curt's death. Everyone who knew Curt considered his truck an extension of him. We all wanted his truck and trailer at his funeral. I asked Steve to drive Curt's truck to the funeral and to the cemetery, never really thinking how difficult that might have been for him. He did it...for me and for Curt. He kept saying "I got this!" That's one of my catch phrases for life now..."I got this!" and that's what I said when I looked at myself in the mirror to make myself stop crying! Steve and Tamra have become close friends since Curt's death. Tamra even went with me to see Curt's headstone for the first time on Thursday night. That was difficult and I'm glad she was there.
I heard from Steve about my car...he said "I don't know for sure yet but I don't think it's that bad." Sounds good to me!
I'll keep y'all posted :-) as I continue praying that it won't be an expensive repair!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Joy Can Only Be Taken Away if You Allow It!
So my joy of writing was temporarily sucked away by someone else's writing...but I'm back and I'm going to finish my stories. This is MY story...this is OUR story...this is MY therapy! I will not let my joy be sucked away by people who did not know the Curt Davis that I knew...the Curt Davis that a lot of people knew and loved.
A wound which was just beginning to heal was split wide open last week. It felt like salt was poured into a gaping wound, complicating my grief and forcing me to question EVERYTHING I thought I knew. After going through another period of shock, disappointment and sadness, I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how Curt died...only that he is gone and that he has left a huge void in my life.
I'm going to go ahead and say this...when I read that article in the paper...I was shocked, saddened and disappointed. I felt betrayed by yet another man that I loved. I'm questioning again, will I ever be able to fully trust another man? I thought I couldn't after my first experience...but I did. Twice now, two men that I trusted hid something very important from me. They both said "I don't want to hurt you" and maybe they didn't, but the truth is...they both did. Just as I have worked hard to try to remember the good times that Wasband and I had so that I can share those with our children, I am going to remember the good times with Curt because as I've written in the past, he brought happiness into my life and removed the dark cloud that had been there for much too long. I can't forget those things and I will not discount them.
After a very rough week and a trip to the cemetery wherein I literally yelled at Curt and told him how I felt...I have realized a few things. These are my realizations. I'm sure they will not make anyone else feel better and I'm not going to say that they make ME feel better but as I have questioned over and over why Curt is gone and how his exit from this life plays into my own, I have some peace that (1) he no longer fights the demon he fought while he lived on this Earth. Curt had been very honest with me from Day 1 about his past. I thought it was in his past and did not witness anything to make me think differently while he was alive. You would not believe the people who have contacted me since learning his cause of death...people I barely know who fight addiction every day...who have begged me not to be mad at him as they have tried to explain to me how difficult it is to live with the craving for something you know that is bad for you. I've turned my research from focus on grief to focusing on addiction. I've learned a lot and I feel that I have been able to forgive Curt because I realize all those times he said "I don't want to hurt you" and I assume that he meant he didn't want to hurt me the way Wasband had, he meant that in a totally different way. His being gone has hurt me but I realize that as I was falling in love with him, had this become apparent while he was still alive, that would have hurt me even more. Which leads to the second realization. (2) I'm glad that I didn't know and that me and my children were not affected. Had I made the discovery beforehand, I could not have stayed with him. I would not have put my children at risk. It would have been very difficult to walk away from someone that you care so much about. Since I had not really met his family I'm not sure I would or could have gone to them for help if I had discovered it. I'm not sure his friends would have intervened if I had gone to any of them. If I had left and he had died afterward, that would have been more devastating to me because I would have felt responsible.
So...while I have had a full gamut of emotions, it doesn't change the fact that I miss HIM, I miss his LAUGH, I miss his SMILE, I miss his VOICE, I miss all the sweet things he said and did and so, I've recalled a few more things that Curt has said or done to make me laugh while we were together...
About two weeks before his death we had discussed losing weight. I told him we were going to change the way we were eating. He kept saying he was going to start running again. Evidently, when Curt was in running mode, he would wrap himself in a black garbage bag to help sweat off some of the extra pounds. He was convinced this was effective. After his death, his friend, Scott Lane, was talking about that and told me that he had a picture of Curt running up their road wrapped in a plastic garbage bag. He said "He looked like an idiot, Man!" Curt kept telling me he couldn't wait for it to get hot...because he loved to sweat while he worked! He assured me that he was going to lose some weight this summer. I've told Scott I wanted to see that picture!
I called him one day and said, "I got my Weight Watcher books out today." He said, "You gotta do more than get the books out, Baby! Just like you gotta do more than just buy the gym membership!" I said, "I know, Dork! We are getting ready to start eating healthy!" and that was our plan...I was going to make sure we ate more healthy and he was going to start running...we just hadn't put it into motion yet.
Another thing I was thinking about this week was the fact that Curt called me "Tie Dye"...quite frequently. Before going to China I had bought some new clothes...one outfit was solid navy blue jogging pants and a matching tie-dyed zip-up jacket. I had bought it to wear home on the plane...something that would be comfortable on the 13 hour flight and the layover hours. The week after I got home from China, on a Friday (I remember this because Friday's are our dress-down days at work), I called Curt on my way to work and he told me he was on his way to Lexington too. I wasn't sure where he was but I knew he was somewhere behind me. I had taken Nicholasville Road and he had taken Harrodsburg Road. I had to stop and get gas. When I got onto New Circle, I was just driving along and when I crossed Harrodsburg on the overpass, I looked down to see if he might be there. He wasn't...but as I drove and was looking ahead, I saw what I was sure was his trailer...and I "stepped on it" to catch up to him. As I got closer, I could see his stacks and new for sure it was him. I finally caught up to him and my navy blue Nissan Altima was right beside his navy blue Dodge 3500 flatbed. I kept looking over at him and he would not look over at me for anything. So...I blew my horn and got his attention. Of course he flashed his sweet smile, rolled his window down, we blew each other a kiss and I passed him. My phone rang immediately and it was Curt. When I answered he said, "what up? Tie Dye!" I asked, "why are you calling me Tie Dye?" and he said, "when I looked over, that was the first thing I noticed...was your tie-dye jacket." I said, "When I looked at you I noticed your smile, I couldn't even tell you what you are wearing...obviously you were not looking at my smile!" That got a laugh out of him for sure! He exited at Georgetown and I went on over to Newtown. From then on, especially when I wore that jacket, I was known as "Tie Dye".
It's Father's Day today...I'm getting ready to take my Dad to Orange Leaf. I woke up this morning and the very first person to pop into my head was Curt's daughter and how sad this Hallmark Holiday celebration can be for so many people. I then thought of Curt's biological father and the man he called "Dad". I know they are both hurting tremendously. And then, I remembered how blessed I am to still have my dad. I can't imagine what my life will be like when he's gone. I don't want to. I'll just deal with it when the time comes.
I certainly have a special place in my heart for those who have lost their Daddy's, especially at such a young age and for those whose Father's make the choice not to be part of their life. If you don't have a good relationship with your Dad or your son or your child...try to make things right because once they are gone...there is nothing you can do other than live with the regret.
I found this online and could not find who should be credited with the quote but I wanted to share:
A wound which was just beginning to heal was split wide open last week. It felt like salt was poured into a gaping wound, complicating my grief and forcing me to question EVERYTHING I thought I knew. After going through another period of shock, disappointment and sadness, I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how Curt died...only that he is gone and that he has left a huge void in my life.
I'm going to go ahead and say this...when I read that article in the paper...I was shocked, saddened and disappointed. I felt betrayed by yet another man that I loved. I'm questioning again, will I ever be able to fully trust another man? I thought I couldn't after my first experience...but I did. Twice now, two men that I trusted hid something very important from me. They both said "I don't want to hurt you" and maybe they didn't, but the truth is...they both did. Just as I have worked hard to try to remember the good times that Wasband and I had so that I can share those with our children, I am going to remember the good times with Curt because as I've written in the past, he brought happiness into my life and removed the dark cloud that had been there for much too long. I can't forget those things and I will not discount them.
After a very rough week and a trip to the cemetery wherein I literally yelled at Curt and told him how I felt...I have realized a few things. These are my realizations. I'm sure they will not make anyone else feel better and I'm not going to say that they make ME feel better but as I have questioned over and over why Curt is gone and how his exit from this life plays into my own, I have some peace that (1) he no longer fights the demon he fought while he lived on this Earth. Curt had been very honest with me from Day 1 about his past. I thought it was in his past and did not witness anything to make me think differently while he was alive. You would not believe the people who have contacted me since learning his cause of death...people I barely know who fight addiction every day...who have begged me not to be mad at him as they have tried to explain to me how difficult it is to live with the craving for something you know that is bad for you. I've turned my research from focus on grief to focusing on addiction. I've learned a lot and I feel that I have been able to forgive Curt because I realize all those times he said "I don't want to hurt you" and I assume that he meant he didn't want to hurt me the way Wasband had, he meant that in a totally different way. His being gone has hurt me but I realize that as I was falling in love with him, had this become apparent while he was still alive, that would have hurt me even more. Which leads to the second realization. (2) I'm glad that I didn't know and that me and my children were not affected. Had I made the discovery beforehand, I could not have stayed with him. I would not have put my children at risk. It would have been very difficult to walk away from someone that you care so much about. Since I had not really met his family I'm not sure I would or could have gone to them for help if I had discovered it. I'm not sure his friends would have intervened if I had gone to any of them. If I had left and he had died afterward, that would have been more devastating to me because I would have felt responsible.
So...while I have had a full gamut of emotions, it doesn't change the fact that I miss HIM, I miss his LAUGH, I miss his SMILE, I miss his VOICE, I miss all the sweet things he said and did and so, I've recalled a few more things that Curt has said or done to make me laugh while we were together...
About two weeks before his death we had discussed losing weight. I told him we were going to change the way we were eating. He kept saying he was going to start running again. Evidently, when Curt was in running mode, he would wrap himself in a black garbage bag to help sweat off some of the extra pounds. He was convinced this was effective. After his death, his friend, Scott Lane, was talking about that and told me that he had a picture of Curt running up their road wrapped in a plastic garbage bag. He said "He looked like an idiot, Man!" Curt kept telling me he couldn't wait for it to get hot...because he loved to sweat while he worked! He assured me that he was going to lose some weight this summer. I've told Scott I wanted to see that picture!
I called him one day and said, "I got my Weight Watcher books out today." He said, "You gotta do more than get the books out, Baby! Just like you gotta do more than just buy the gym membership!" I said, "I know, Dork! We are getting ready to start eating healthy!" and that was our plan...I was going to make sure we ate more healthy and he was going to start running...we just hadn't put it into motion yet.
Another thing I was thinking about this week was the fact that Curt called me "Tie Dye"...quite frequently. Before going to China I had bought some new clothes...one outfit was solid navy blue jogging pants and a matching tie-dyed zip-up jacket. I had bought it to wear home on the plane...something that would be comfortable on the 13 hour flight and the layover hours. The week after I got home from China, on a Friday (I remember this because Friday's are our dress-down days at work), I called Curt on my way to work and he told me he was on his way to Lexington too. I wasn't sure where he was but I knew he was somewhere behind me. I had taken Nicholasville Road and he had taken Harrodsburg Road. I had to stop and get gas. When I got onto New Circle, I was just driving along and when I crossed Harrodsburg on the overpass, I looked down to see if he might be there. He wasn't...but as I drove and was looking ahead, I saw what I was sure was his trailer...and I "stepped on it" to catch up to him. As I got closer, I could see his stacks and new for sure it was him. I finally caught up to him and my navy blue Nissan Altima was right beside his navy blue Dodge 3500 flatbed. I kept looking over at him and he would not look over at me for anything. So...I blew my horn and got his attention. Of course he flashed his sweet smile, rolled his window down, we blew each other a kiss and I passed him. My phone rang immediately and it was Curt. When I answered he said, "what up? Tie Dye!" I asked, "why are you calling me Tie Dye?" and he said, "when I looked over, that was the first thing I noticed...was your tie-dye jacket." I said, "When I looked at you I noticed your smile, I couldn't even tell you what you are wearing...obviously you were not looking at my smile!" That got a laugh out of him for sure! He exited at Georgetown and I went on over to Newtown. From then on, especially when I wore that jacket, I was known as "Tie Dye".
It's Father's Day today...I'm getting ready to take my Dad to Orange Leaf. I woke up this morning and the very first person to pop into my head was Curt's daughter and how sad this Hallmark Holiday celebration can be for so many people. I then thought of Curt's biological father and the man he called "Dad". I know they are both hurting tremendously. And then, I remembered how blessed I am to still have my dad. I can't imagine what my life will be like when he's gone. I don't want to. I'll just deal with it when the time comes.
I certainly have a special place in my heart for those who have lost their Daddy's, especially at such a young age and for those whose Father's make the choice not to be part of their life. If you don't have a good relationship with your Dad or your son or your child...try to make things right because once they are gone...there is nothing you can do other than live with the regret.
I found this online and could not find who should be credited with the quote but I wanted to share:
Laugh when you feel like it. Life is full of suffering and pain. Joy is not to be undervalued, interrupted, or judged.The joy that Curt and I shared will not be taken away from me, regardless of what the people around me say or what they think. Curt loved to laugh and I'll be honest...I miss laughing! While I go through this life of suffering and pain, I will value the joyful moments I've experienced with everyone, regardless of whether or not they are still in my life. No one can interrupt or judge what has brought me joy in the past unless I allow them to do so.
Essentially, we should never let anything get our spirits down enough to where we are discouraged from trying. We should never let anyone or anything discourage us from being the person that we know we should be and that God wants us to be, regardless of what people around us will say, and regardless of what everyone else thinks in given situations, our joy can only be taken from us if we let it.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Reeling Him In (part 2) and the status of my Relationship Status
Gabby and I quickly became friends. Every other Friday night, it was just me and Curt and Gabby. We usually went out to eat, Mexican more times than anything else, and came back to watch a movie that Gabby and I had chosen. We preferred "chick flicks" and Curt would suffer through them. We watched the Twilight movies. I was Team Edward...Gabby was Team Jacob. One night, she cut a passport photo sized picture of Edward Cullen from a magazine and gave it to me. From that day, I have carried it in my cell phone cover and I plan to always keep it because it reminds me of her and her dad :-)
I will never watch Edward Cullen in the Twilight series and not think of Curt in the future. I may share that story one day...but for now, that is my story...so I'm not sure...
One of Curt's favorite movies was PURE COUNTRY II: THE GIFT and we watched it three times in the year that I had known him. He especially enjoyed watching it with Gabby and he would always ask Gabby to name the three rules from the movie which she could easily rattle off. (1) Never lie; (2) Always be fair; and (3) Never break a promise.
Sometime between my birthday and December 23rd, he asked me if I would go shopping with him for Gabby's Christmas...he needed help. He knew what he wanted to get her...he just needed some female assistance in picking it all out. I teased him and said "buying Christmas presents for your daughter is more like girlfriend status than friend status". He just smiled and said, "you know the word girlfriend scares the hell out of me." I just smiled, and said "yes I know"
December 23rd was Kensley's birthday. I spent the day in Lexington with her and stayed in contact with Curt most of the day via text. He sent me a text at some point in the afternoon asking for Emily's number. The next thing I know, Emily is calling me asking me if she can go on a "date" with Curt. I sent a text to Curt that said, "WTH?" He immediately called and asked "What?" and I said, "why do you want to take my 18 year old daughter on a date?" and he started laughing and said, "Calm down, Mama Bear, I'm not interested in your daughter! I just feel sorry for her because you've been in Lexington all day with Kensley and she has been home all day and I thought I would take her to The Depot for dinner." And I said, "well, you'll have to be quick, because we are planning to head home soon and we are having birthday cake for Kensley at my mom and dad's house." He said, "Okay." He and Emily became friends from the first time they had met. Curt could relate to the rebellious teenager in Emily moreso than I could. Before I knew it, Emily, who had been living with my parents, wanted to move back in with me. Curt made her realize that she needed her mom and that she might regret it someday if she didn't move home. As I type this, I'm realizing that the Curt and Emily story needs its own blog entry. Back to the "date" with Emily. After they ate, Curt ended up coming to my mom and dad's to have birthday cake for Kensley's birthday. He stood in the corner next to the door and didn't say much. Later he told me he didn't really want to come but didn't want to say no to me and Emily after we had both asked him. We all took him home that night...
The next day, December 24th, Emily told me that the real reason Curt had asked her out to dinner was to find out how I felt about him, because he wanted more, but couldn't "read me". I guess I was doing a pretty good job of keeping my heart from getting hurt and had the steel cage completely locked tight. Emily also let it slip that Curt had taken her shopping to buy gifts for me but that she was not allowed to say they were from him, that the tags had to say they were from Emily, Kensley and Edison. He was quite upset when he realized that when Emily put the tag on my gifts, that she had written that they were from Curt, Emily, Kensley and Edison. Needless to say, I was happy.
As I have stated before, Curt stayed at my house on the 24th and we spent Christmas morning together until he got a call that Gabby was awake and ready to open her gifts. I met my family for dinner and my kids came home around lunchtime. We opened gifts and I don't remember all that I got but I do recall that one of the gifts that Curt had bought for me was a new iPhone case. I knew he was a little upset when I returned from my trip to Lexington with Kensley and I had purchased myself a new iPhone case with some birthday money I had. I didn't really know why he acted the way he did until later. I carried the one I had bought myself until after he died and about two weeks later I started using the one he had bought me for Christmas :-) I'm so happy to have it as another reminder!
Christmas Day 2011 was extremely warm. Curt called later that afternoon and asked what they kids had gotten from their Dad. I told him that Emily got a stereo for her car. He told me to come down and he would put it in...so we did. We all hung out together outside, he worked on installing Emily's stereo, we ate on the country ham he had smoked, and some of his friends dropped by. Later that night, we all went to Scott Lane's house for a couch burning!!!! Good times I tell ya :-)
Finally, it was New Year's Eve - best night EVER! Except for one incident that I won't write about (You're welcome, Kat :-)) Curt and I went to Rafferty's for dinner and then to Momma's Last Chance Saloon. He had a really good time and I was his DD as he was also celebrating his 34th birthday a little early (January 4). That was the night that Curt told me how he really felt about me...of course...I had started to figure it out. He said, "when you talk to other guys, I get jealous...and if I didn't have feelings for you, it wouldn't matter. when you don't call or text me, I can't stand it...and I have to call or text you. I fell for you and I'm mad at myself for falling! but I'm not gonna fight it anymore" He let everyone know how he felt about me that night. He was laughing and joking and telling famous Curt Davis stories with some old friends. He slow danced with me many times that night and would say "come on, let's do some belly rubbin'." He also embarrassed me to death doing the Chicken Dance trying to win a contest! I was afraid he wouldn't remember anything that he had said to me...because...like I said, he was celebrating in a big way.
The next morning, when he finally raised his head, I said...your eyes are wild looking. They were blue as ever, glazed over and shiny, surrounded with light pink where the white usually is. I said, "Oh...your eyes look wild!" and he said, "You should be on this side looking out!" and dropped his head back down on the pillow. In a few minutes, he popped up again and said, "Let's go eat" so we got up and had a huge, yummy breakfast at Garrett's.
While eating, I hesitantly asked, "Do you remember anything you said to me last night?" and his answer was, "Unfortunately, I remember it all." And so I said, "I'm scared to ask this, but is that how you really feel?" and he said, "It scares the hell out of me, but yes, that's how I feel about you." Even then, we were both scared of what being in a "relationship" truly meant and wondered if we were ready to take things a step forward and although things changed between us from that night, I still kept that wall of protection around my heart.
From that point forward, we had our kids around each other more. By that time, I had discovered that all of my kids liked him and he liked each of my kids. He related to each of them differently and I enjoyed watching him interact with Emily, Kensley and Edison. He brought stability and fun into our lives. He knew I adored Gabby and Gabby made it clear that she really liked me. It was chaotic when we were all together, but we tried to keep it organized and make it fun!
In February, I traveled to China for a week. I got miserably sick and Curt worried about me. I missed him so much while I was halfway around the world and all he wanted was for me to be home. Absence definitely made the heart grow fonder and when I returned...we became inseperable. It was soon thereafter, sometime in February, that Curt was discussing Facebook relationship statuses with Sam, the bartender at Godfathers and surprised me when he told her that he had tried to change his relationship status from his phone but he couldn't figure out how to do it. I informed him that you could only do that from your computer and he said, "well, when we get home, you need to show me how" and I was like "really? we are going to change our relationship status?" and he sad, "yep...it's time." When we got to his house that night, he immediately went to his room, logged into Facebook, asked me where to go to change his status and changed it right then and there. He logged out...logged in for me and I sat on his lap while I changed mine ...and before I hit "enter" I turned around and said, "this is really a big deal for me...and I think I'm having an anxiety attack!" He gave me a big hug...and said "You'll be alright honey!" (and I wish you all could hear the way he said "honey" and the inflection he used in the sentence...because those are the things I miss so much about him...his voice, his word choices, his pronunciations...everything...)
So...Facebook still says that Dana Woods is in a relationship with Curt Davis and Curt Davis is in a relationship with Dana Woods. I don't know when I'm going to be able to change that...because...when I do...
it's over.
and.
it's final.
And I know that I'm going to shed many tears and be a little bit depressed when it's time to make this change. There will be no turning back because he's not here to confirm the change if I want to fix it back. We all know the reality - while the memories of Curt and I will never end...the relationship with Curt that I enjoyed, that I wanted, that made me a very happy has ended! Sad...but true :-(
But also true is the fact that plain and simple, I'm just not ready yet. I realize it's something I will eventually have to do, but for now, I'm not ready to let go...
I will never watch Edward Cullen in the Twilight series and not think of Curt in the future. I may share that story one day...but for now, that is my story...so I'm not sure...
One of Curt's favorite movies was PURE COUNTRY II: THE GIFT and we watched it three times in the year that I had known him. He especially enjoyed watching it with Gabby and he would always ask Gabby to name the three rules from the movie which she could easily rattle off. (1) Never lie; (2) Always be fair; and (3) Never break a promise.
Sometime between my birthday and December 23rd, he asked me if I would go shopping with him for Gabby's Christmas...he needed help. He knew what he wanted to get her...he just needed some female assistance in picking it all out. I teased him and said "buying Christmas presents for your daughter is more like girlfriend status than friend status". He just smiled and said, "you know the word girlfriend scares the hell out of me." I just smiled, and said "yes I know"
December 23rd was Kensley's birthday. I spent the day in Lexington with her and stayed in contact with Curt most of the day via text. He sent me a text at some point in the afternoon asking for Emily's number. The next thing I know, Emily is calling me asking me if she can go on a "date" with Curt. I sent a text to Curt that said, "WTH?" He immediately called and asked "What?" and I said, "why do you want to take my 18 year old daughter on a date?" and he started laughing and said, "Calm down, Mama Bear, I'm not interested in your daughter! I just feel sorry for her because you've been in Lexington all day with Kensley and she has been home all day and I thought I would take her to The Depot for dinner." And I said, "well, you'll have to be quick, because we are planning to head home soon and we are having birthday cake for Kensley at my mom and dad's house." He said, "Okay." He and Emily became friends from the first time they had met. Curt could relate to the rebellious teenager in Emily moreso than I could. Before I knew it, Emily, who had been living with my parents, wanted to move back in with me. Curt made her realize that she needed her mom and that she might regret it someday if she didn't move home. As I type this, I'm realizing that the Curt and Emily story needs its own blog entry. Back to the "date" with Emily. After they ate, Curt ended up coming to my mom and dad's to have birthday cake for Kensley's birthday. He stood in the corner next to the door and didn't say much. Later he told me he didn't really want to come but didn't want to say no to me and Emily after we had both asked him. We all took him home that night...
The next day, December 24th, Emily told me that the real reason Curt had asked her out to dinner was to find out how I felt about him, because he wanted more, but couldn't "read me". I guess I was doing a pretty good job of keeping my heart from getting hurt and had the steel cage completely locked tight. Emily also let it slip that Curt had taken her shopping to buy gifts for me but that she was not allowed to say they were from him, that the tags had to say they were from Emily, Kensley and Edison. He was quite upset when he realized that when Emily put the tag on my gifts, that she had written that they were from Curt, Emily, Kensley and Edison. Needless to say, I was happy.
As I have stated before, Curt stayed at my house on the 24th and we spent Christmas morning together until he got a call that Gabby was awake and ready to open her gifts. I met my family for dinner and my kids came home around lunchtime. We opened gifts and I don't remember all that I got but I do recall that one of the gifts that Curt had bought for me was a new iPhone case. I knew he was a little upset when I returned from my trip to Lexington with Kensley and I had purchased myself a new iPhone case with some birthday money I had. I didn't really know why he acted the way he did until later. I carried the one I had bought myself until after he died and about two weeks later I started using the one he had bought me for Christmas :-) I'm so happy to have it as another reminder!
Christmas Day 2011 was extremely warm. Curt called later that afternoon and asked what they kids had gotten from their Dad. I told him that Emily got a stereo for her car. He told me to come down and he would put it in...so we did. We all hung out together outside, he worked on installing Emily's stereo, we ate on the country ham he had smoked, and some of his friends dropped by. Later that night, we all went to Scott Lane's house for a couch burning!!!! Good times I tell ya :-)
Finally, it was New Year's Eve - best night EVER! Except for one incident that I won't write about (You're welcome, Kat :-)) Curt and I went to Rafferty's for dinner and then to Momma's Last Chance Saloon. He had a really good time and I was his DD as he was also celebrating his 34th birthday a little early (January 4). That was the night that Curt told me how he really felt about me...of course...I had started to figure it out. He said, "when you talk to other guys, I get jealous...and if I didn't have feelings for you, it wouldn't matter. when you don't call or text me, I can't stand it...and I have to call or text you. I fell for you and I'm mad at myself for falling! but I'm not gonna fight it anymore" He let everyone know how he felt about me that night. He was laughing and joking and telling famous Curt Davis stories with some old friends. He slow danced with me many times that night and would say "come on, let's do some belly rubbin'." He also embarrassed me to death doing the Chicken Dance trying to win a contest! I was afraid he wouldn't remember anything that he had said to me...because...like I said, he was celebrating in a big way.
The next morning, when he finally raised his head, I said...your eyes are wild looking. They were blue as ever, glazed over and shiny, surrounded with light pink where the white usually is. I said, "Oh...your eyes look wild!" and he said, "You should be on this side looking out!" and dropped his head back down on the pillow. In a few minutes, he popped up again and said, "Let's go eat" so we got up and had a huge, yummy breakfast at Garrett's.
While eating, I hesitantly asked, "Do you remember anything you said to me last night?" and his answer was, "Unfortunately, I remember it all." And so I said, "I'm scared to ask this, but is that how you really feel?" and he said, "It scares the hell out of me, but yes, that's how I feel about you." Even then, we were both scared of what being in a "relationship" truly meant and wondered if we were ready to take things a step forward and although things changed between us from that night, I still kept that wall of protection around my heart.
From that point forward, we had our kids around each other more. By that time, I had discovered that all of my kids liked him and he liked each of my kids. He related to each of them differently and I enjoyed watching him interact with Emily, Kensley and Edison. He brought stability and fun into our lives. He knew I adored Gabby and Gabby made it clear that she really liked me. It was chaotic when we were all together, but we tried to keep it organized and make it fun!
In February, I traveled to China for a week. I got miserably sick and Curt worried about me. I missed him so much while I was halfway around the world and all he wanted was for me to be home. Absence definitely made the heart grow fonder and when I returned...we became inseperable. It was soon thereafter, sometime in February, that Curt was discussing Facebook relationship statuses with Sam, the bartender at Godfathers and surprised me when he told her that he had tried to change his relationship status from his phone but he couldn't figure out how to do it. I informed him that you could only do that from your computer and he said, "well, when we get home, you need to show me how" and I was like "really? we are going to change our relationship status?" and he sad, "yep...it's time." When we got to his house that night, he immediately went to his room, logged into Facebook, asked me where to go to change his status and changed it right then and there. He logged out...logged in for me and I sat on his lap while I changed mine ...and before I hit "enter" I turned around and said, "this is really a big deal for me...and I think I'm having an anxiety attack!" He gave me a big hug...and said "You'll be alright honey!" (and I wish you all could hear the way he said "honey" and the inflection he used in the sentence...because those are the things I miss so much about him...his voice, his word choices, his pronunciations...everything...)
So...Facebook still says that Dana Woods is in a relationship with Curt Davis and Curt Davis is in a relationship with Dana Woods. I don't know when I'm going to be able to change that...because...when I do...
it's over.
and.
it's final.
And I know that I'm going to shed many tears and be a little bit depressed when it's time to make this change. There will be no turning back because he's not here to confirm the change if I want to fix it back. We all know the reality - while the memories of Curt and I will never end...the relationship with Curt that I enjoyed, that I wanted, that made me a very happy has ended! Sad...but true :-(
But also true is the fact that plain and simple, I'm just not ready yet. I realize it's something I will eventually have to do, but for now, I'm not ready to let go...
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Reeling Him In...(Part 1)
After our first "date", he backed off again, and told me the same thing he had told me 100 times previously... "Dana...I don't want to hurt you...and I am not ready for a relationship."
I told him that was fine, I didn't really want a relationship either...because, truth be told, I liked Curt as a friend and while, initially, I didn't think we would ever be more, he was growing on me. His life had changed a lot between May and November - he was changing, and the more I hung out with him and got to know him, the more I liked him, but honestly, I had no intention of setting myself up to be hurt by another man and I kept my heart protected. If he didn't want more, I was not going to expect anything other.
Then...my birthday rolled around...
It was December 10th and I had a big night planned...some girlfriends and I went to see a movie (I can't even remember which one...New Years Eve maybe) and then we went to Guadalajara and watched the Kentucky Basketball team lose their first basketball game of the season, and then we went to Godfather's and ended up at The Pocket. I had different people meeting me at different places. Curt wanted to meet up with us at Godfather's and offered to be the DD that night. He said he had never been the DD unless it was the drunk driver! (OH! Dear!) however, he wanted to do that for me. For whatever reason, he opened up that night...everyone kept telling me they could tell he was crazy about me. He was attentive and affectionate...very different from before. He drove my friends and I to The Pocket and I got the feeling that things were changing between us, but I kept the cage around my heart, just in case I was mistaken.
Anytime the word "girlfriend" was mentioned...Curt would freak out...and say, "no...we are just friends" and I tried not to let it bother me because as much as I liked Curt, there were things about him that scared the crap out of me - like the fact that everything was always a joke, he acted like he was 13 years old, we seemed to have nothing in common and his goals in life were very different than mine...or. so. I. thought.
The more we were around each other, the more serious subjects came up and I learned that he didn't always joke around. I discovered he was very intelligent and had a lot of life experiences which had shaped the man he had become. I told my mom one time that he reminded me so much of my Dad that it was creepy!!! Things he would say...phrases he would use...things he enjoyed. Oh! He still acted like he was 13. He thought passing gas and practical jokes were the funniest things ever!!! Also not unlike my Dad. And while we didn't have a lot in common, we had a lot of common ground. I enjoyed learning about his work and he always asked about mine. We talked alot about our past...growing up, going to church, our families, teenage years, marriage, etc. I enjoyed spending time with him on the farm and in the shop. One day, I told him that one of the things I missed most about being married was no longer owning my own home and and he told me that was a dream of his...to build a house on the farm. He had some really good qualities and I enjoyed every moment with him.
Curt had stated from the beginning that anything between us would be dependent on Gabby. He said, "I'm sorry, but if Gabby doesn't like you...it's never gonna work and I'm not going to even introduce you to Gabby until I figure out if I think it's something that I might want." I had met Gabby back in May. She was with Curt the first time we talked at Mariachi's. The second time we met up at Mariachi's, I had Edison with me. One Friday evening in December, I was officially introduced to Miss Gabby. Curt seemed anxious for us to meet. I remember him calling me on my way to his house. He said, "Okay, let me tell you how to win Gabby over, she likes girlie things, if you straighten her hair, braid her hair, paint her nails, watch chick flicks, whatever...she's gonna like you." I said, "Curt, calm down, I'm used to girls...I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old...I know what 8 year olds like. I'll be fine...I'm not scared."
He made it clear that Gabby came first and that he had even ended a relationship with one girl who suggested that she would enjoy him more if he didn't have Gabby around as much. He told her to leave and said he never saw her again. We had the talk about how a relationship the second time around is different because of kids. I shared my theory with him on secondary relationships. Here it is:
The first time you meet someone and fall in love, you are usually both young and childless. You can focus solely on each other, learn who the other person is as an individual and grow into this parenting role with them after you have children together. The children can and should be secondary in your initial relationship. BUT...when you get divorced, and have children, you go into your next relationship already having those children and they have to be your first obligation because they are your first family. Any future relationship must include each of those children and you have to make sure each child is fully accepted by the new person and the new person accepted by the children. That means, you have to work extra hard on the second relationship. You rarely get the one-on-one time because you are already parents and the 2nd time around you have tons of responsibilities. You have to focus on the unit as a whole when you are all together and then take full advantage of those times when it is just the two of you, to talk about your beliefs and goals and dreams...and parenting. After you have children, there are few times when you are not in parent mode...and when the opportunity occurs, you have to be ready to take it!
Curt agreed with my theory, was happy to learn that I felt the same way he did and luckily, Gabby liked me...
(to be continued)
I told him that was fine, I didn't really want a relationship either...because, truth be told, I liked Curt as a friend and while, initially, I didn't think we would ever be more, he was growing on me. His life had changed a lot between May and November - he was changing, and the more I hung out with him and got to know him, the more I liked him, but honestly, I had no intention of setting myself up to be hurt by another man and I kept my heart protected. If he didn't want more, I was not going to expect anything other.
Then...my birthday rolled around...
It was December 10th and I had a big night planned...some girlfriends and I went to see a movie (I can't even remember which one...New Years Eve maybe) and then we went to Guadalajara and watched the Kentucky Basketball team lose their first basketball game of the season, and then we went to Godfather's and ended up at The Pocket. I had different people meeting me at different places. Curt wanted to meet up with us at Godfather's and offered to be the DD that night. He said he had never been the DD unless it was the drunk driver! (OH! Dear!) however, he wanted to do that for me. For whatever reason, he opened up that night...everyone kept telling me they could tell he was crazy about me. He was attentive and affectionate...very different from before. He drove my friends and I to The Pocket and I got the feeling that things were changing between us, but I kept the cage around my heart, just in case I was mistaken.
Anytime the word "girlfriend" was mentioned...Curt would freak out...and say, "no...we are just friends" and I tried not to let it bother me because as much as I liked Curt, there were things about him that scared the crap out of me - like the fact that everything was always a joke, he acted like he was 13 years old, we seemed to have nothing in common and his goals in life were very different than mine...or. so. I. thought.
The more we were around each other, the more serious subjects came up and I learned that he didn't always joke around. I discovered he was very intelligent and had a lot of life experiences which had shaped the man he had become. I told my mom one time that he reminded me so much of my Dad that it was creepy!!! Things he would say...phrases he would use...things he enjoyed. Oh! He still acted like he was 13. He thought passing gas and practical jokes were the funniest things ever!!! Also not unlike my Dad. And while we didn't have a lot in common, we had a lot of common ground. I enjoyed learning about his work and he always asked about mine. We talked alot about our past...growing up, going to church, our families, teenage years, marriage, etc. I enjoyed spending time with him on the farm and in the shop. One day, I told him that one of the things I missed most about being married was no longer owning my own home and and he told me that was a dream of his...to build a house on the farm. He had some really good qualities and I enjoyed every moment with him.
Curt had stated from the beginning that anything between us would be dependent on Gabby. He said, "I'm sorry, but if Gabby doesn't like you...it's never gonna work and I'm not going to even introduce you to Gabby until I figure out if I think it's something that I might want." I had met Gabby back in May. She was with Curt the first time we talked at Mariachi's. The second time we met up at Mariachi's, I had Edison with me. One Friday evening in December, I was officially introduced to Miss Gabby. Curt seemed anxious for us to meet. I remember him calling me on my way to his house. He said, "Okay, let me tell you how to win Gabby over, she likes girlie things, if you straighten her hair, braid her hair, paint her nails, watch chick flicks, whatever...she's gonna like you." I said, "Curt, calm down, I'm used to girls...I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old...I know what 8 year olds like. I'll be fine...I'm not scared."
He made it clear that Gabby came first and that he had even ended a relationship with one girl who suggested that she would enjoy him more if he didn't have Gabby around as much. He told her to leave and said he never saw her again. We had the talk about how a relationship the second time around is different because of kids. I shared my theory with him on secondary relationships. Here it is:
The first time you meet someone and fall in love, you are usually both young and childless. You can focus solely on each other, learn who the other person is as an individual and grow into this parenting role with them after you have children together. The children can and should be secondary in your initial relationship. BUT...when you get divorced, and have children, you go into your next relationship already having those children and they have to be your first obligation because they are your first family. Any future relationship must include each of those children and you have to make sure each child is fully accepted by the new person and the new person accepted by the children. That means, you have to work extra hard on the second relationship. You rarely get the one-on-one time because you are already parents and the 2nd time around you have tons of responsibilities. You have to focus on the unit as a whole when you are all together and then take full advantage of those times when it is just the two of you, to talk about your beliefs and goals and dreams...and parenting. After you have children, there are few times when you are not in parent mode...and when the opportunity occurs, you have to be ready to take it!
Curt agreed with my theory, was happy to learn that I felt the same way he did and luckily, Gabby liked me...
(to be continued)
Friday, June 1, 2012
My First Date with Curt...or was it?
So, here's the beginning of our relationship in a nutshell...we were introduced by my sister at Godfathers in May, we talked, we became friends, Curt was separated but still married, we stopped seeing each other, we remained friends, Curt got divorced, he dated other women, we ran into one another at the 1st Annual John Michael Montgomery CountryFest the end of September, Curt was dating someone, they broke up, we started talking, I asked him to go to the movies with me, he said he had asked someone else to meet him at Godfathers that night, he stopped by McDonalds because I was there eating with my mom and dad and some other people, told me he got stood up and said he would be at Godfathers if I still wanted to meet him, I went to Godfathers, we started talking again in October and as they say...the rest is history...but it was a little more complicated than that.
Curt made it clear, from the very beginning, that he was not looking for a relationship...so I put a cage around my heart. From the time I first met him, I decided to follow the rule I had learned in the book "He's Just Not That Into You" which is ACCEPT A MAN FOR WHO HE IS AND NOT WHO YOU WANT HIM TO BE. From the time I met Curt in May, I did everything on Curt's terms and it worked to my advantage. I didn't call him. I didn't text him. When I saw him with someone else, I acted like it didn't bother me, and because of the cage around my heart...it really didn't. God Bless my friends who heard all the complaints I made about him - LOL! Because of my caged heart, I was okay being his friend, that's how I protect myself from getting hurt...I quickly put myself into the friend zone! (I learned this by taking a quiz in Cosmo magazine.) Luckily, I met Curt, and I started noticing that things were beginning to change and it appeared that he didn't want to stay in the friend zone.
When I didn't text for a few days...he would text me. If we hadn't talked for several days...he called me. I kept my book "He's Just Not That Into You" close by and I realized that maybe he was "into me" but I still kept that cage around my heart. Fast forward to Thanksgiving week, after we were talking on a very regular basis...he called one night and said, "I think I would like to take you out on a real date." "Really?" I asked. "A real date?" And he said, "Yep...I think so." Well, according to He's Just Not That Into You, even though we were seeing each other on a regular basis, meeting at a bar is not a real date, gathering with friends is not a real date, and watching a movie at his house or mine is not a real date. When you are not dating, it means that he is just not that into you. Now...according to this book (which also became a movie), if a guy IS into you, he will ask you out on a real date. Being a little leary, I asked him what he had in mind, and he said, "I don't know...dinner and a movie, I guess." As it turns out, the only night we didn't have kids that week was Thanksgiving night. I said, "you realize, we might be able to see a movie, but there will be no restaurants open that night and we probably won't be hungry" and then I reminded him that it was Black Friday and informed him that I always go shopping on Thursday night or Friday morning.
Our first date was...get this...Black Friday shopping. At Wal-Mart. In Stanford. At midnight. WooHoo! I didn't buy one thing! He bought two laptops (one for himself and one for Gabby for Christmas) and a few other things and we ended up watching a movie at his house. I don't know if that should really be considered our first date, because I don't think it technically fits the parameters of a "date"...but it's certainly a "date" I will never forget.
I was talking to a friend of Curt's the other night and he said, "I knew you had hooked Curt when he told me he went Black Friday shopping with you!"
I had a bite, I set the hook, now it was time to reel him in!
(to be continued)
Curt made it clear, from the very beginning, that he was not looking for a relationship...so I put a cage around my heart. From the time I first met him, I decided to follow the rule I had learned in the book "He's Just Not That Into You" which is ACCEPT A MAN FOR WHO HE IS AND NOT WHO YOU WANT HIM TO BE. From the time I met Curt in May, I did everything on Curt's terms and it worked to my advantage. I didn't call him. I didn't text him. When I saw him with someone else, I acted like it didn't bother me, and because of the cage around my heart...it really didn't. God Bless my friends who heard all the complaints I made about him - LOL! Because of my caged heart, I was okay being his friend, that's how I protect myself from getting hurt...I quickly put myself into the friend zone! (I learned this by taking a quiz in Cosmo magazine.) Luckily, I met Curt, and I started noticing that things were beginning to change and it appeared that he didn't want to stay in the friend zone.
When I didn't text for a few days...he would text me. If we hadn't talked for several days...he called me. I kept my book "He's Just Not That Into You" close by and I realized that maybe he was "into me" but I still kept that cage around my heart. Fast forward to Thanksgiving week, after we were talking on a very regular basis...he called one night and said, "I think I would like to take you out on a real date." "Really?" I asked. "A real date?" And he said, "Yep...I think so." Well, according to He's Just Not That Into You, even though we were seeing each other on a regular basis, meeting at a bar is not a real date, gathering with friends is not a real date, and watching a movie at his house or mine is not a real date. When you are not dating, it means that he is just not that into you. Now...according to this book (which also became a movie), if a guy IS into you, he will ask you out on a real date. Being a little leary, I asked him what he had in mind, and he said, "I don't know...dinner and a movie, I guess." As it turns out, the only night we didn't have kids that week was Thanksgiving night. I said, "you realize, we might be able to see a movie, but there will be no restaurants open that night and we probably won't be hungry" and then I reminded him that it was Black Friday and informed him that I always go shopping on Thursday night or Friday morning.
Our first date was...get this...Black Friday shopping. At Wal-Mart. In Stanford. At midnight. WooHoo! I didn't buy one thing! He bought two laptops (one for himself and one for Gabby for Christmas) and a few other things and we ended up watching a movie at his house. I don't know if that should really be considered our first date, because I don't think it technically fits the parameters of a "date"...but it's certainly a "date" I will never forget.
I was talking to a friend of Curt's the other night and he said, "I knew you had hooked Curt when he told me he went Black Friday shopping with you!"
I had a bite, I set the hook, now it was time to reel him in!
(to be continued)
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