Vacation and Candles and Curt

I didn't realize I had never posted after returning from vacation.  My kids and I went to Florida...without Curt obviously.  I want to thank my Mom for making it possible.  We took her car and she paid for the gas and we had a very laid back unstressed week...except for an incident with my 18 year old that I am trying to forget and will not re-hash.

My friend, Lori Jo and her son, Jacob also went with us.  While I am usually a very outgoing and talkative person...I pretty much shut down that week and did a lot of thinking...and crying.  While I'm pretty sure that my Mom and my daughters and Lori Jo knew I was in a "funk" they let me be and didn't push me and I am so greatful for that...because I needed it. 

Literally EVERYTHING reminded me of Curt Davis...and while I mentioned his name a lot, I didn't want anyone to realize how much he was on my mind.  I was haunted by his presence and while I wanted him there with me I also needed to let go so I could move on.  There were a thousand times I didn't mention him and kept my thoughts to myself because I was afraid my family would think I was obsessed with thoughts of him.  Actually...I think I was!!! 

"I dropped a tear in the ocean, and whenever they find it I'll stop loving you, only then."   ~author unknown

By the time I was driving home, I realized I was ready to move on - that I needed to move on.  It doesn't mean that I haven't cried more tears...actually I shed a few on my way to work this morning, but I know Curt would want me to keep going.  He knew the struggles I had been through and he would have never wanted me to go back to the darkness he had brought me out of.  I know that.  

My ocean therapy consisted of listening to music...writing in the sand...crying into the sea...I have pics of my sand writing therapy...

This past Saturday, Edison and I ran some errands in town and while we were there, I asked him if he wanted to go get a flower and put on Curt's grave.  He told me he did and then he asked, "Are you going to cry?" and I said "No, I'm not going to cry this time."  He said, "When Curt died, you cried a lot because you were sad." and I said, "Yes, I did...I cried because I missed him."  He said, "I still miss him." and I said, "I still miss him too Edison." And then he said something that broke my heart..."When you are so sad, it is scary to me."  I told him I was sorry that I scared him and I knew that it must have been scary to see me crying and sad all the time.  I told him I was much better and that we could still miss Curt without all the crying.  At least he won't see me cry.

I'm the one who puts the red rose on Curt's grave.  I would like to do it more often than I do, but I don't go into Lancaster very often and when I do, it is usually after the florist is closed.  Shon Hampton, owner of Family Crafts and Flowers gives me a red rose for free for Curt.  Shon lost her husband in an accident many years ago.  They had not been married long.  Shon has been so sweet to me, so understanding of my feelings.  Although Curt and I were not married, she understands losing that "new love" and all the "what ifs" and the unanswered questions that will always remain.  Shon remarried and had a child who is now grown and also married.  She reminds me that even though I feel like I may never find it again...that I will and that life moves on and happiness is out there. 

While in Shon's shop the other day, I decided to buy Curt's favorite candle...a Hot Maple Toddy Candleberry Candle.  Curt was obsessed with cleaning his house with Pine Sol and Lysol and always had at least one if not two or three Candleberry Candles burning.  He had even had me stop three different times to pick up one for him.  And then I remembered a Curt story having to do with a fire...in the house...

Curt was feeding the horses early one morning, Gabby was in the living room watching tv and I was still snuggled in bed.  It was cold outside.  There was a candle burning in the bedroom and it had been burning all night.  I heard a pop and a crack and didn't think much about it but then I thought...that could have been that candle.  I rolled over and to my surprise, there was a fire on the bedside table and then I looked in the floor and there were three more tiny fires which were getting bigger.  I stayed calm and I yelled for Gabby..."Gabby??  I don't want you to freak out but I need you to bring me a pitcher of water in here."  She came running down the hall and her eyes got huge and she said "Where's Daddy?" and I said, "It's okay, he's feeding the horses, I just need some water."  She ran and got the water...handed it to me over the fire, threw open the back door and yelled at the top of her lungs..."DADDY, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!"  By that time, I had poured water on each of the four flames and was trying to wave the smoke out of the room to keep the smoke alarm from going off.  I was waiting for the jar to cool to start picking up the pieces which had burst into 4 big chunks and lots of little slivers.  Melted wax was EVERYWHERE.  Of course, Curt couldn't hear Gabby because he was up at the barn.  She was getting her boots on to go get him and I called him on the phone and said, "Ummmm...there's been a fire at your house but I've got it under control.  It's out and I'm cleaning up the mess."  When he got to the house, I had a butter knife scraping up the cold wax and we cleaned up the glass together.  We learned a lesson...never leave a jar candle burning unattended, especially at night while you are sleeping.  There were so many what ifs that could have happened...what if I would have been fully asleep and not heard the pop and the crack...what if we had both been sleeping...what if I hadn't rolled over...what if the bed had caught on fire...or the sock that one of the flames landed next to...we were going through all of the scenarios.  I said, what if I had been trapped and couldn't get out?  And he said, "Honey...I promise I would have busted through these flimsy walls to save you...I'm pretty sure I could do it...or you could have just jumped out the window right there and not even broke a fingernail."

Let me go blow out my candle...it's time for bed. 

 

Dear Curt (Letter #3)

Hey Curt,
I've had a pretty crappy couple of weeks.  Actually, the past two months have not been all that great...but July 2nd is quickly approaching.  I was so excited for the six of us to go on vacation together and I know that you were too.  We had teased that either we would come back ready to make a commitment or it would cause a break-up. Who knows what would have happened?  I guarantee we would have had fun though...we always did when we were together :-)

So...I'm leaving this weekend.  Me and my kids and my mom are headed to Florida.  Thank goodness for my Mom, I don't know what I would do without her.  Jeremy is staying at my house and he and Daddy are going to dog sit Mason.  Mason is a great dog but he gets quite destructive when left alone.  He also will not eat if no one is home.  I hope he will eat while I'm gone!  He got nervous after you died and started chewing on a place on his back but the hair is finally growing back in so I guess that means he is adjusting well. 

Mason's 1st birthday is tomorrow!  I finally registered him the other day.  The people who gave him to you had named him Mason Xanadu but I changed his name.  According to the CKC (Continental Kennel Club) I am the proud owner of a male, red merle, Australian Shepherd born June 29, 2011 and his official name is Mason CurtDavis.  Now, anyone with registered puppies from him will know that he belonged to you...that's why I chose that name.  He is an excellent guard dog - very protective of me and Edison - a little too protective sometimes.  He hates when I discipline Edison!  I had to get on Mason one night for acting crazy when Edison was throwing a tantrum.  Now, when Edison is in trouble, Mason goes and lays in my closet.  He can't stand it!!!  I never really wanted a dog but having Mason has been great!  I love having him around to keep me company.

So, I've wondered how we would have ended up driving to Florida. You kept going back and forth between taking my car or your truck or renting something bigger.  Last I heard, you said we were taking your truck and going Hillbilly style with all of our stuff strapped on the flatbed - LOL. You also said you couldn't leave Mason behind.  I'm not sure where he was going to ride??

Oh...and I think the plan was to Nair your back before we left - hahaha!!  You and your hairy back.  It was your idea though...you said you wanted it shaved, waxed or Naired.  I think I wanted to wax because I knew that would be the most painful and you wanted to Nair because that would be least painful.  I'm laughing as I type this because we had this silly discussion way too many times and would always start laughing. 

There's a song that has been on my mind for awhile.  I hadn't heard it in a long time and heard it a few days after you died.  I felt like it was a song "sent to me from you" and when I heard it, I immediately thought of how sad it was going to be when I got to the ocean without you.  I know I'm going to think about you a lot.  I plan to relax and enjoy the sand and the sun.  I have no doubt that I will miss you being there but that I will feel your presence.  Mostly, I want to come home with a clear mind and a fresh start knowing that you will always have a special place way down deep inside my heart...

PLEASE REMEMBER ME/Tim McGraw

When all our tears have reached the sea

Part of you will live in me
Way down deep inside my heart
The days keep coming without fail
A new wind is gonna find your sail
That's where your journey starts

You'll find better love

Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me


Just like the waves down by the shore
Your gonna keep on coming back for more
'Cause we don't ever wanna stop
Out in this brave new world you seek
O'er the valleys and the peaks
And I can see you on the top

You'll find better love
Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me


Remember me when you're out walkin'
When snow falls high outside your door
Late at night when you're not sleepin'
And moonlight falls across your floor
When I can't hurt you anymore


Chours:
You'll find better love
Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Please remember me

That's exactly what I want and I hope this week away will help me get there. 

One more thing...the girls are mad!  They intended to have access to your MiFi wireless internet for the ride down to Florida and for our week in Florida.  Now...that's not gonna happen.  What am I gonna do with two teenagers without internet access for a week including 28 hours in a car?  I guess we'll be playing license plate BINGO and lots of I SPY - haha!  I'm thinking about tethering my phone but that will mean I will lose my unlimited data plan and I'm not sure that is a good financial decision.  I'm always having to make a decision and I HATE making decisions.

I wish you were still here, Curt...I wish things were different...I wish you were going on vacation with me...I wish so many things...

I love you,
Tie Dye

Sounds Good To Me!

Once again, it was proven to me, that you never know what will happen from one moment to the next! I left for work Tuesday morning - early for a change - with the anticipation of arriving at work early enough to finish a home study. It doesn't matter that that was my plan, because obviously, it was not the plan for my life that day. 
While driving on the Nicholasville bypass, I noticed my car seemed to lose power, but I was slowing down and didn't think much about it until I stopped at a stop light and attempted to take off again. My car would not go fast. Pedal to the floor and it wouldn't go into second gear. I pulled over. I put the car in reverse. It goes backward. I put it into drive and it goes forward. I accelerate and it doesn't respond. CRAP!

I just sat there for a few minutes, thinking the worst, like it was probably going to be a major repair like a new transmission or something and found myself asking, once again, the question I find myself asking a lot lately...

"WHY ME?" 

...and then I started to cry. Just a few tears and actually they didn't even fall down my cheeks. I looked at myself in the rearview mirror, wiped them away and said, out loud, "Don't cry! You big baby! You got this!"

As usual, the first call I made was to my Mom, knowing that if she answered I would probably start crying. She didn't.  She was still asleep.

Next I called my friend Danny Lane of D & D Towing.  I just happen to still have his number on speed dial from all the times I called him to tow the Swagger Wagon when I was driving it. Our conversation went something like this...

Ring, Ring
Danny: Hello?
Dana: Hey Danny. It's Dana Woods. (pause) Where are you?
Danny: (laughing) You don't even want to know. Where are you?
Dana: Sitting on the side of the road in Nicholasville.
Danny: Okay. I'm in Myrtle Beach but let me give you a number to call.
Dana: I had a feeling you were going to tell me you were at the beach.

I told him I was hoping to go to the Beach in two weeks, but a new transmission might nix that.  He gave me the number to Crown Towing.  When we hung up, I realized I couldn't call Crown until I could figure out where to have my car towed.  I had no clue where to take it!  So I started making more calls.

First, I called my nephew, Jase.  It's early in the morning.  He didn't answer.
Next, I call Curt's friend, Steve.  It's early in the morning.  He didn't answer.
I call another friend and he gives me some suggestions.
Then I try to call my friend, Jennifer, to get her husband's number because he is a mechanic.  She doesn't answer.
I try my Mom again...she still doesn't answer.

So, I sit there a few minutes thinking...CURT!!!!  I need you right now!!! 

I needed Curt Davis, the mechanic!!  If he were still alive, he would have probably been in Nicholasville that morning or at least on his way.  He would have answered my call and come to my rescue.  He would have probably taken care of getting Patti to the shop where he could take a look at her and complained the whole time that she was foreign and that he hated to work on cars because they were too small and his hands were too big and they sat too close to the ground to get up under them to do what he needed to do!!!

I know this, because I had heard all the complaints before!  When I met Curt, I drove the Swagger Wagon.  I bought Patti last summer when Curt and I were not even seeing each other.  Most of my readers know that when I bought Patti, Emily started driving "Swaggie", the 1999 Chrysler Town and Country Minivan.  Curt helped take care of "Swaggie" on a few occasions.  He installed Emily's new stereo on Christmas day and a few months later, the starter went out.  He diagnosed the problem, told me I needed a starter.  I made a call to my friend, Brian Driskell, who manages CarQuest, and picked up the starter.  Curt put it in and complained the entire time and then discovered the van needed a new battery.  When he got Swaggie back up and running, he brought the keys into Emily and said, "Emily...your mom paid for your starter.  I bought the battery.  If I hear you being disrespectful to your mom or she tells me that you aren't treating her the way you and I have discussed that she needs to be treated, I will repossess my battery.  Okay?"  Emily understood and was thrilled to have Swaggie back in service. 

I've needed Curt, a few times since his death, to repossess his battery :-( but that's another story.

I sent Steve a message:  "My car is broke down in Nicholasville.  I'm getting ready to have it towed but don't know where".  Still didn't hear from him.

Five minutes later I send Jennifer a message:  "I need your hubby's number. My car is broke down."

I update my status on Facebook that says "Good morning to me!  Broke down on the side of the road."

And then my phone starts BLOWING UP!  With FB notifications from my friends making sure I'm okay and offering help.  And then the phone calls start coming.

First Steve calls and tells me I can have it towed to his shop and he and Jase will take a look at it and if he can't fix it he can get it to someone who can.  Okay...sounds good to me.

Jennifer texts me Marvin's number.  I told her I had a plan but if it didn't work out I'd talk to Marvin.  She assured me that Steve and Jase would take care of me.  Sounds good to me. 

I call Crown Towing.  I tell him where I am and where I want it towed.  He asked what Danny normally charged me and I couldn't remember.  He told me he normally charged $150 to tow to Lancaster but that he would do it for $125 since I was a friend of Danny's.  Sounds good to me.

While on the phone with everyone else, my Mom called.  I call her back and tell her my dilemma and that I need her to come and get me.  After we hung up she sent me a text message that said "Do you want me to come now?"  My response "Yes please".  She's on her way.   Sounds good to me.

I try to call my friend Larry, who works for the Sheriff's Department where I'm sitting, to let him know where I am so the police will not put one of those crazy hot pink stickers on my car window to let other law enforcement officers that my car has been "checked" while it sits waiting for the tow truck.  He doesn't answer.

I call my boss to let her know that I'm going to be a little late getting to work but that I will get there...eventually!

I play around on Facebook and enjoy the A/C and my stereo while waiting.  Put my car in reverse and drive a few times hoping it was all in my imagination.  It was not.  I worry...feeling once again that nothing in my life goes right and everything is out of control. 

I call State Farm and talk to my friend, Todd, who confirms that I have towing on my insurance policy.  He said he will write a check reimbursing me $90.00 as soon as I drop the receipt by the office.  Sounds good to me.  He also confirms that most tow bills from Lexington or Nicholasville to Lancaster are $150 so I did get break.  Sounds good to me. 

I write a check to Crown Towing and put it and my keys where I was instructed.  I write a note to let any police officers know that the tow truck should be there by 10 a.m.  While getting everything together, my mom pulls up behind me.  Behind her, a Nicholasville Safety Officer pulls in.  I put my belongings into my mom's car and tell the SO that the tow truck will be there around 10.  She radios in and saves me the trouble of having to remove the sticky stuff from those horrible hot pink stickers at a later time.  Sounds good to me!

We drive back to my Mom's house and then I'm finally on my way back to work...driving her car.  When I drive through Nicholasville, I see Patti on the back of the tow truck.  I know there is nothing cute about a car taking a ride on a tow truck, but I thought she looked so cute sitting up there!!!

When I get closer to Lexington, I get a text message from my friend, Wanda, which said, "I just saw Patti ride through town on the tow truck."

When I was walking into work, my nephew Jase called.  He said "What up?"  and I said, "Nothing...are you at the shop yet?" and he said "Yeah...they just unloaded your car...I'm guessing that's why you tried to call me this morning?"  I told him it was and I was just trying to figure out where to take it.  He asked me what it was doing and said he had just woke up and was changing his clothes when I called and he forgot to call me back.  I remind him that he should always answer when his Aunt Dana calls!

I'm still not sure what's wrong with my car.  I'm grateful to my mom and dad who have allowed me to drive one of their cars.  They are driving Swaggie because, due to his advanced age, he can't travel very far anymore and I drive many miles each day.

When I finally talked to Steve, I told him I was worried that I hadn't heard from him because he has a history of not returning my calls when he has bad news. 

Rewind 8 weeks earlier: When I heard that something was wrong with Curt but didn't know what...the first person I called was Steve. I asked him to go to Burger House to find out what was going on and to let me know.  He immediately went.  When I didn't hear from him, I tried to call him back and he didn't answer.  I sent him a text and he didn't respond.  Deep down...I knew why he wasn't calling me....but I was holding on to hope that he was going to tell me what hospital they were taking Curt to.  Late that night, the day Curt died, I got a text message from Steve apologizing that he didn't tell me.  When I saw him for the first time afterwards, he just looked at me and said, "I couldn't be the one to tell you, Dana.  I couldn't.  I'm sorry."  I completely understood and I never thought anything about it or any less of Steve because of it.  It meant so much to me that he dropped what he was doing and immediately went to check on Curt when I asked him to go.  I'm sorry that he saw Curt like he did just because he was trying to do something for me.  I also asked Steve to do something else for me after Curt's death.  Everyone who knew Curt considered his truck an extension of him.  We all wanted his truck and trailer at his funeral.  I asked Steve to drive Curt's truck to the funeral and to the cemetery, never really thinking how difficult that might have been for him.  He did it...for me and for Curt.  He kept saying "I got this!"  That's one of my catch phrases for life now..."I got this!" and that's what I said when I looked at myself in the mirror to make myself stop crying!  Steve and Tamra have become close friends since Curt's death.  Tamra even went with me to see Curt's headstone for the first time on Thursday night.  That was difficult and I'm glad she was there. 

I heard from Steve about my car...he said "I don't know for sure yet but I don't think it's that bad."  Sounds good to me!

I'll keep y'all posted :-) as I continue praying that it won't be an expensive repair!

Joy Can Only Be Taken Away if You Allow It!

So my joy of writing was temporarily sucked away by someone else's writing...but I'm back and I'm going to finish my stories.  This is MY story...this is OUR story...this is MY therapy!  I will not let my joy be sucked away by people who did not know the Curt Davis that I knew...the Curt Davis that a lot of people knew and loved. 

A wound which was just beginning to heal was split wide open last week.  It felt like salt was poured into a gaping wound, complicating my grief and forcing me to question EVERYTHING I thought I knew.  After going through another period of shock, disappointment and sadness, I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how Curt died...only that he is gone and that he has left a huge void in my life.   

I'm going to go ahead and say this...when I read that article in the paper...I was shocked, saddened and disappointed.  I felt betrayed by yet another man that I loved.  I'm questioning again, will I ever be able to fully trust another man?  I thought I couldn't after my first experience...but I did.  Twice now, two men that I trusted hid something very important from me.  They both said "I don't want to hurt you" and maybe they didn't, but the truth is...they both did.  Just as I have worked hard to try to remember the good times that Wasband and I had so that I can share those with our children, I am going to remember the good times with Curt because as I've written in the past, he brought happiness into my life and removed the dark cloud that had been there for much too long.  I can't forget those things and I will not discount them.

After a very rough week and a trip to the cemetery wherein I literally yelled at Curt and told him how I felt...I have realized a few things.  These are my realizations.  I'm sure they will not make anyone else feel better and I'm not going to say that they make ME feel better but as I have questioned over and over why Curt is gone and how his exit from this life plays into my own, I have some peace that (1) he no longer fights the demon he fought while he lived on this Earth.  Curt had been very honest with me from Day 1 about his past.  I thought it was in his past and did not witness anything to make me think differently while he was alive.  You would not believe the people who have contacted me since learning his cause of death...people I barely know who fight addiction every day...who have begged me not to be mad at him as they have tried to explain to me how difficult it is to live with the craving for something you know that is bad for you.  I've turned my research from focus on grief to focusing on addiction.  I've learned a lot and I feel that I have been able to forgive Curt because I realize all those times he said "I don't want to hurt you" and I assume that he meant he didn't want to hurt me the way Wasband had, he meant that in a totally different way.  His being gone has hurt me but I realize that as I was falling in love with him, had this become apparent while he was still alive, that would have hurt me even more.  Which leads to the second realization.  (2) I'm glad that I didn't know and that me and my children were not affected.  Had I made the discovery beforehand, I could not have stayed with him.  I would not have put my children at risk.  It would have been very difficult to walk away from someone that you care so much about.  Since I had not really met his family I'm not sure I would or could have gone to them for help if I had discovered it.  I'm not sure his friends would have intervened if I had gone to any of them.  If I had left and he had died afterward, that would have been more devastating to me because I would have felt responsible.   

So...while I have had a full gamut of emotions, it doesn't change the fact that I miss HIM, I miss his LAUGH, I miss his SMILE, I miss his VOICE, I miss all the sweet things he said and did and so, I've recalled a few more things that Curt has said or done to make me laugh while we were together...

About two weeks before his death we had discussed losing weight.  I told him we were going to change the way we were eating.  He kept saying he was going to start running again.  Evidently, when Curt was in running mode, he would wrap himself in a black garbage bag to help sweat off some of the extra pounds. He was convinced this was effective.  After his death, his friend, Scott Lane, was talking about that and told me that he had a picture of Curt running up their road wrapped in a plastic garbage bag.  He said "He looked like an idiot, Man!"  Curt kept telling me he couldn't wait for it to get hot...because he loved to sweat while he worked!  He assured me that he was going to lose some weight this summer.  I've told Scott I wanted to see that picture!

I called him one day and said, "I got my Weight Watcher books out today."  He said, "You gotta do more than get the books out, Baby! Just like you gotta do more than just buy the gym membership!"  I said, "I know, Dork!  We are getting ready to start eating healthy!" and that was our plan...I was going to make sure we ate more healthy and he was going to start running...we just hadn't put it into motion yet.

Another thing I was thinking about this week was the fact that Curt called me "Tie Dye"...quite frequently.  Before going to China I had bought some new clothes...one outfit was solid navy blue jogging pants and a matching tie-dyed zip-up jacket.  I had bought it to wear home on the plane...something that would be comfortable on the 13 hour flight and the layover hours.  The week after I got home from China, on a Friday (I remember this because Friday's are our dress-down days at work), I called Curt on my way to work and he told me he was on his way to Lexington too.  I wasn't sure where he was but I knew he was somewhere behind me.  I had taken Nicholasville Road and he had taken Harrodsburg Road.  I had to stop and get gas.  When I got onto New Circle, I was just driving along and when I crossed Harrodsburg on the overpass, I looked down to see if he might be there.  He wasn't...but as I drove and was looking ahead, I saw what I was sure was his trailer...and I "stepped on it" to catch up to him.  As I got closer, I could see his stacks and new for sure it was him.  I finally caught up to him and my navy blue Nissan Altima was right beside his navy blue Dodge 3500 flatbed.  I kept looking over at him and he would not look over at me for anything.  So...I blew my horn and got his attention.  Of course he flashed his sweet smile, rolled his window down, we blew each other a kiss and I passed him.  My phone rang immediately and it was Curt.  When I answered he said, "what up? Tie Dye!"  I asked, "why are you calling me Tie Dye?" and he said, "when I looked over, that was the first thing I noticed...was your tie-dye jacket."  I said, "When I looked at you I noticed your smile, I couldn't even tell you what you are wearing...obviously you were not looking at my smile!"  That got a laugh out of him for sure!  He exited at Georgetown and I went on over to Newtown.  From then on, especially when I wore that jacket, I was known as "Tie Dye". 

It's Father's Day today...I'm getting ready to take my Dad to Orange Leaf.  I woke up this morning and the very first person to pop into my head was Curt's daughter and how sad this Hallmark Holiday celebration can be for so many people.  I then thought of Curt's biological father and the man he called "Dad".  I know they are both hurting tremendously.  And then, I remembered how blessed I am to still have my dad.  I can't imagine what my life will be like when he's gone.  I don't want to. I'll just deal with it when the time comes. 

I certainly have a special place in my heart for those who have lost their Daddy's, especially at such a young age and for those whose Father's make the choice not to be part of their life.  If you don't have a good relationship with your Dad or your son or your child...try to make things right because once they are gone...there is nothing you can do other than live with the regret.

I found this online and could not find who should be credited with the quote but I wanted to share:

Laugh when you feel like it. Life is full of suffering and pain. Joy is not to be undervalued, interrupted, or judged.


Essentially, we should never let anything get our spirits down enough to where we are discouraged from trying. We should never let anyone or anything discourage us from being the person that we know we should be and that God wants us to be, regardless of what people around us will say, and regardless of what everyone else thinks in given situations, our joy can only be taken from us if we let it. 

The joy that Curt and I shared will not be taken away from me, regardless of what the people around me say or what they think.  Curt loved to laugh and I'll be honest...I miss laughing!  While I go through this life of suffering and pain, I will value the joyful moments I've experienced with everyone, regardless of whether or not they are still in my life.  No one can interrupt or judge what has brought me joy in the past unless I allow them to do so.

Reeling Him In (part 2) and the status of my Relationship Status

Gabby and I quickly became friends.  Every other Friday night, it was just me and Curt and Gabby.  We usually went out to eat, Mexican more times than anything else, and came back to watch a movie that Gabby and I had chosen. We preferred "chick flicks" and Curt would suffer through them. We watched the Twilight movies.  I was Team Edward...Gabby was Team Jacob.  One night, she cut a passport photo sized picture of Edward Cullen from a magazine and gave it to me.  From that day, I have carried it in my cell phone cover and I plan to always keep it because it reminds me of her and her dad :-)

I will never watch Edward Cullen in the Twilight series and not think of Curt in the future.  I may share that story one day...but for now, that is my story...so I'm not sure...

One of Curt's favorite movies was PURE COUNTRY II: THE GIFT and we watched it three times in the year that I had known him.  He especially enjoyed watching it with Gabby and he would always ask Gabby to name the three rules from the movie which she could easily rattle off.  (1) Never lie; (2) Always be fair; and (3) Never break a promise. 

Sometime between my birthday and December 23rd, he asked me if I would go shopping with him for Gabby's Christmas...he needed help. He knew what he wanted to get her...he just needed some female assistance in picking it all out. I teased him and said "buying Christmas presents for your daughter is more like girlfriend status than friend status". He just smiled and said, "you know the word girlfriend scares the hell out of me." I just smiled, and said "yes I know"

December 23rd was Kensley's birthday. I spent the day in Lexington with her and stayed in contact with Curt most of the day via text. He sent me a text at some point in the afternoon asking for Emily's number. The next thing I know, Emily is calling me asking me if she can go on a "date" with Curt. I sent a text to Curt that said, "WTH?" He immediately called and asked "What?" and I said, "why do you want to take my 18 year old daughter on a date?" and he started laughing and said, "Calm down, Mama Bear, I'm not interested in your daughter! I just feel sorry for her because you've been in Lexington all day with Kensley and she has been home all day and I thought I would take her to The Depot for dinner." And I said, "well, you'll have to be quick, because we are planning to head home soon and we are having birthday cake for Kensley at my mom and dad's house." He said, "Okay." He and Emily became friends from the first time they had met. Curt could relate to the rebellious teenager in Emily moreso than I could. Before I knew it, Emily, who had been living with my parents, wanted to move back in with me. Curt made her realize that she needed her mom and that she might regret it someday if she didn't move home. As I type this, I'm realizing that the Curt and Emily story needs its own blog entry. Back to the "date" with Emily. After they ate, Curt ended up coming to my mom and dad's to have birthday cake for Kensley's birthday. He stood in the corner next to the door and didn't say much.  Later he told me he didn't really want to come but didn't want to say no to me and Emily after we had both asked him.  We all took him home that night...

The next day, December 24th, Emily told me that the real reason Curt had asked her out to dinner was to find out how I felt about him, because he wanted more, but couldn't "read me". I guess I was doing a pretty good job of keeping my heart from getting hurt and had the steel cage completely locked tight. Emily also let it slip that Curt had taken her shopping to buy gifts for me but that she was not allowed to say they were from him, that the tags had to say they were from Emily, Kensley and Edison. He was quite upset when he realized that when Emily put the tag on my gifts, that she had written that they were from Curt, Emily, Kensley and Edison. Needless to say, I was happy.

As I have stated before, Curt stayed at my house on the 24th and we spent Christmas morning together until he got a call that Gabby was awake and ready to open her gifts. I met my family for dinner and my kids came home around lunchtime. We opened gifts and I don't remember all that I got but I do recall that one of the gifts that Curt had bought for me was a new iPhone case. I knew he was a little upset when I returned from my trip to Lexington with Kensley and I had purchased myself a new iPhone case with some birthday money I had.  I didn't really know why he acted the way he did until later.  I carried the one I had bought myself until after he died and about two weeks later I started using the one he had bought me for Christmas :-)  I'm so happy to have it as another reminder!

Christmas Day 2011 was extremely warm.  Curt called later that afternoon and asked what they kids had gotten from their Dad.  I told him that Emily got a stereo for her car.  He told me to come down and he would put it in...so we did.  We all hung out together outside, he worked on installing Emily's stereo, we ate on the country ham he had smoked, and some of his friends dropped by.  Later that night, we all went to Scott Lane's house for a couch burning!!!!  Good times I tell ya :-)

Finally, it was New Year's Eve - best night EVER! Except for one incident that I won't write about (You're welcome, Kat :-)) Curt and I went to Rafferty's for dinner and then to Momma's Last Chance Saloon. He had a really good time and I was his DD as he was also celebrating his 34th birthday a little early (January 4). That was the night that Curt told me how he really felt about me...of course...I had started to figure it out. He said, "when you talk to other guys, I get jealous...and if I didn't have feelings for you, it wouldn't matter. when you don't call or text me, I can't stand it...and I have to call or text you. I fell for you and I'm mad at myself for falling! but I'm not gonna fight it anymore" He let everyone know how he felt about me that night.  He was laughing and joking and telling famous Curt Davis stories with some old friends.  He slow danced with me many times that night and would say "come on, let's do some belly rubbin'."  He also embarrassed me to death doing the Chicken Dance trying to win a contest!  I was afraid he wouldn't remember anything that he had said to me...because...like I said, he was celebrating in a big way.

The next morning, when he finally raised his head, I said...your eyes are wild looking.  They were blue as ever, glazed over and shiny, surrounded with light pink where the white usually is.  I said, "Oh...your eyes look wild!" and he said, "You should be on this side looking out!" and dropped his head back down on the pillow.  In a few minutes, he popped up again and said, "Let's go eat" so we got up and had a huge, yummy breakfast at Garrett's.   

While eating, I hesitantly asked, "Do you remember anything you said to me last night?" and his answer was, "Unfortunately, I remember it all." And so I said, "I'm scared to ask this, but is that how you really feel?" and he said, "It scares the hell out of me, but yes, that's how I feel about you." Even then, we were both scared of what being in a "relationship" truly meant and wondered if we were ready to take things a step forward and although things changed between us from that night, I still kept that wall of protection around my heart.

From that point forward, we had our kids around each other more. By that time, I had discovered that all of my kids liked him and he liked each of my kids. He related to each of them differently and I enjoyed watching him interact with Emily, Kensley and Edison.  He brought stability and fun into our lives.  He knew I adored Gabby and Gabby made it clear that she really liked me. It was chaotic when we were all together, but we tried to keep it organized and make it fun!

In February, I traveled to China for a week. I got miserably sick and Curt worried about me. I missed him so much while I was halfway around the world and all he wanted was for me to be home. Absence definitely made the heart grow fonder and when I returned...we became inseperable. It was soon thereafter, sometime in February, that Curt was discussing Facebook relationship statuses with Sam, the bartender at Godfathers and surprised me when he told her that he had tried to change his relationship status from his phone but he couldn't figure out how to do it. I informed him that you could only do that from your computer and he said, "well, when we get home, you need to show me how" and I was like "really? we are going to change our relationship status?" and he sad, "yep...it's time." When we got to his house that night, he immediately went to his room, logged into Facebook, asked me where to go to change his status and changed it right then and there.  He logged out...logged in for me and I sat on his lap while I changed mine ...and before I hit "enter" I turned around and said, "this is really a big deal for me...and I think I'm having an anxiety attack!"  He gave me a big hug...and said "You'll be alright honey!" (and I wish you all could hear the way he said "honey" and the inflection he used in the sentence...because those are the things I miss so much about him...his voice, his word choices, his pronunciations...everything...)

So...Facebook still says that Dana Woods is in a relationship with Curt Davis and Curt Davis is in a relationship with Dana Woods.  I don't know when I'm going to be able to change that...because...when I do...

it's over.
and.
it's final.

And I know that I'm going to shed many tears and be a little bit depressed when it's time to make this change.  There will be no turning back because he's not here to confirm the change if I want to fix it back.  We all know the reality - while the memories of Curt and I will never end...the relationship with Curt that I enjoyed, that I wanted, that made me a very happy has ended!  Sad...but true :-( 

But also true is the fact that plain and simple, I'm just not ready yet.  I realize it's something I will eventually have to do, but for now, I'm not ready to let go...  

Reeling Him In...(Part 1)

After our first "date", he backed off again, and told me the same thing he had told me 100 times previously... "Dana...I don't want to hurt you...and I am not ready for a relationship."

I told him that was fine, I didn't really want a relationship either...because, truth be told, I liked Curt as a friend and while, initially, I didn't think we would ever be more, he was growing on me.  His life had changed a lot between May and November - he was changing, and the more I hung out with him and got to know him, the more I liked him, but honestly, I had no intention of setting myself up to be hurt by another man and I kept my heart protected.  If he didn't want more, I was not going to expect anything other.  

Then...my birthday rolled around...

It was December 10th and I had a big night planned...some girlfriends and I went to see a movie (I can't even remember which one...New Years Eve maybe) and then we went to Guadalajara and watched the Kentucky Basketball team lose their first basketball game of the season, and then we went to Godfather's and ended up at The Pocket. I had different people meeting me at different places. Curt wanted to meet up with us at Godfather's and offered to be the DD that night. He said he had never been the DD unless it was the drunk driver!  (OH! Dear!) however, he wanted to do that for me.  For whatever reason, he opened up that night...everyone kept telling me they could tell he was crazy about me. He was attentive and affectionate...very different from before.  He drove my friends and I to The Pocket and I got the feeling that things were changing between us, but I kept the cage around my heart, just in case I was mistaken.

Anytime the word "girlfriend" was mentioned...Curt would freak out...and say, "no...we are just friends" and I tried not to let it bother me because as much as I liked Curt, there were things about him that scared the crap out of me - like the fact that everything was always a joke, he acted like he was 13 years old, we seemed to have nothing in common and his goals in life were very different than mine...or. so. I. thought. 

The more we were around each other, the more serious subjects came up and I learned that he didn't always joke around.  I discovered he was very intelligent and had a lot of life experiences which had shaped the man he had become. I told my mom one time that he reminded me so much of my Dad that it was creepy!!!  Things he would say...phrases he would use...things he enjoyed.  Oh! He still acted like he was 13.  He thought passing gas and practical jokes were the funniest things ever!!!  Also not unlike my Dad.  And while we didn't have a lot in common, we had a lot of common ground.  I enjoyed learning about his work and he always asked about mine.  We talked alot about our past...growing up, going to church, our families, teenage years, marriage, etc.  I enjoyed spending time with him on the farm and in the shop.  One day, I told him that one of the things I missed most about being married was no longer owning my own home and and he told me that was a dream of his...to build a house on the farm.  He had some really good qualities and I enjoyed every moment with him.

Curt had stated from the beginning that anything between us would be dependent on Gabby. He said, "I'm sorry, but if Gabby doesn't like you...it's never gonna work and I'm not going to even introduce you to Gabby until I figure out if I think it's something that I might want." I had met Gabby back in May. She was with Curt the first time we talked at Mariachi's. The second time we met up at Mariachi's, I had Edison with me. One Friday evening in December, I was officially introduced to Miss Gabby. Curt seemed anxious for us to meet.  I remember him calling me on my way to his house.  He said, "Okay, let me tell you how to win Gabby over, she likes girlie things, if you straighten her hair, braid her hair, paint her nails, watch chick flicks, whatever...she's gonna like you." I said, "Curt, calm down, I'm used to girls...I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old...I know what 8 year olds like. I'll be fine...I'm not scared."

He made it clear that Gabby came first and that he had even ended a relationship with one girl who suggested that she would enjoy him more if he didn't have Gabby around as much.  He told her to leave and said he never saw her again.  We had the talk about how a relationship the second time around is different because of kids.  I shared my theory with him on secondary relationships. Here it is:

The first time you meet someone and fall in love, you are usually both young and childless.  You can focus solely on each other, learn who the other person is as an individual and grow into this parenting role with them after you have children together. The children can and should be secondary in your initial relationship. BUT...when you get divorced, and have children, you go into your next relationship already having those children and they have to be your first obligation because they are your first family.  Any future relationship must include each of those children and you have to make sure each child is fully accepted by the new person and the new person accepted by the children. That means, you have to work extra hard on the second relationship. You rarely get the one-on-one time because you are already parents and the 2nd time around you have tons of responsibilities. You have to focus on the unit as a whole when you are all together and then take full advantage of those times when it is just the two of you, to talk about your beliefs and goals and dreams...and parenting. After you have children, there are few times when you are not in parent mode...and when the opportunity occurs, you have to be ready to take it!

Curt agreed with my theory, was happy to learn that I felt the same way he did and luckily, Gabby liked me...
(to be continued)

My First Date with Curt...or was it?

So, here's the beginning of our relationship in a nutshell...we were introduced by my sister at Godfathers in May, we talked, we became friends, Curt was separated but still married, we stopped seeing each other, we remained friends, Curt got divorced, he dated other women, we ran into one another at the 1st Annual John Michael Montgomery CountryFest the end of September, Curt was dating someone, they broke up, we started talking, I asked him to go to the movies with me, he said he had asked someone else to meet him at Godfathers that night, he stopped by McDonalds because I was there eating with my mom and dad and some other people, told me he got stood up and said he would be at Godfathers if I still wanted to meet him, I went to Godfathers, we started talking again in October and as they say...the rest is history...but it was a little more complicated than that.

Curt made it clear, from the very beginning, that he was not looking for a relationship...so I put a cage around my heart.  From the time I first met him, I decided to follow the rule I had learned in the book "He's Just Not That Into You" which is ACCEPT A MAN FOR WHO HE IS AND NOT WHO YOU WANT HIM TO BE.  From the time I met Curt in May, I did everything on Curt's terms and it worked to my advantage.  I didn't call him.  I didn't text him.  When I saw him with someone else, I acted like it didn't bother me, and because of the cage around my heart...it really didn't.  God Bless my friends who heard all the complaints I made about him - LOL!  Because of my caged heart, I was okay being his friend, that's how I protect myself from getting hurt...I quickly put myself into the friend zone!  (I learned this by taking a quiz in Cosmo magazine.)  Luckily, I met Curt, and I started noticing that things were beginning to change and it appeared that he didn't want to stay in the friend zone.   

When I didn't text for a few days...he would text me.  If we hadn't talked for several days...he called me.  I kept my book "He's Just Not That Into You" close by and I realized that maybe he was "into me" but I still kept that cage around my heart.  Fast forward to Thanksgiving week, after we were talking on a very regular basis...he called one night and said, "I think I would like to take you out on a real date."  "Really?"  I asked.  "A real date?"  And he said, "Yep...I think so."  Well, according to He's Just Not That Into You, even though we were seeing each other on a regular basis, meeting at a bar is not a real date, gathering with friends is not a real date, and watching a movie at his house or mine is not a real date.  When you are not dating, it means that he is just not that into you.  Now...according to this book (which also became a movie), if a guy IS into you, he will ask you out on a real date.  Being a little leary, I asked him what he had in mind, and he said, "I don't know...dinner and a movie, I guess."  As it turns out, the only night we didn't have kids that week was Thanksgiving night.  I said, "you realize, we might be able to see a movie, but there will be no restaurants open that night and we probably won't be hungry" and then I reminded him that it was Black Friday and informed him that I always go shopping on Thursday night or Friday morning. 

Our first date was...get this...Black Friday shopping.  At Wal-Mart.  In Stanford.  At midnight.  WooHoo!  I didn't buy one thing!  He bought two laptops (one for himself and one for Gabby for Christmas) and a few other things and we ended up watching a movie at his house.   I don't know if that should really be considered our first date, because I don't think it technically fits the parameters of a "date"...but it's certainly a "date" I will never forget. 

I was talking to a friend of Curt's the other night and he said, "I knew you had hooked Curt when he told me he went Black Friday shopping with you!"

I had a bite, I set the hook, now it was time to reel him in!

(to be continued)

Dear Curt (a quick note)

Dear Curt,

It's Thursday morning and I just realized something.  As always, I thought about you constantly yesterday, but I made it through lunch on a Wednesday without thinking about the last time I talked to you or wondering about what happened the last few moments of your life.  In a way, it makes me sad that it didn't cross my mind because every day you seem to get further away.  At the same time, I am relieved because I'm exhausted by all the thoughts I have of you and us, and Curt...I need the rest!!! 

Although here on Earth you seem to be fading away (and that scares me and breaks my heart) ...as each day passes it is one day closer that I will see you again...in Heaven...

I "heart" you :-)

I miss you...

Curt Goes to the Zoo

Back in February, I mentioned to Curt that I wanted to take my kids to the zoo on Spring Break, because I had never taken Edison and neither of the girls remembered going when they were little.  I wanted to go to the Cincinnati Zoo.  He said he would like to go and take Gabby but if he went, he wanted to go to the Louisville Zoo because he loved the gorilla house.  Of course I wanted him and Gabby to go, so we planned a trip to the Louisville Zoo.
Our trip was planned for Good Friday.  On Thursday night, me and my kids went down to Curt's house and we cleaned the inside of his truck.  He wanted to take it because it would hold all of us more comfortably - three in the front and three in the back.  He also said it would be a trial run to see how we would get along for our upcoming trip to Florida - LOL. 

(2 hours vs. 12 - HA!)

His truck was a mess...it hadn't been cleaned in forever.  By the time I got there, he had an outdoor garbage can full of trash he had cleaned out, he had put all of the tools that had ended up in his truck back into his work trailer where they belonged and had two loads of laundry which included winter cover alls and blankets that Mason had sat on.  He put me in charge of vacuuming the floor mats while he cleaned the dash.  I vacuumed the seats and floors while he armor all'd the inside.  It was looking pretty good by the time we finished, even though we ended up having to finish under flood lights.

My kids and I were back at his house early the next morning with McDonald's breakfast in hand.  Curt met us at the door and said, "you like my shirt?...I don't know where it came from."  I said, "ummm...that's my shirt."  He started laughing and said, "Well, Dad washed it and it was hanging in my closet!  It fits...I'm wearing it."  It was a UK long sleeve t-shirt and it was a little snug on his biceps and his belly and not like any shirt I had seen him wear before...but hey...the blue made his eyes look bluer...so it was all good!  We loaded up...my girls had their iPhones and Beats, Gabby had a book and some other things to keep her busy in a backpack, Edison had some toys and Curt brought along his "MiFi" so we had wi-fi access on the ride there.  Before we left, I remember Emily saying, "This is our first blended family outing...I'm excited."  I think we all were. 

On our way to Louisville, Curt said, "I've got to stop and buy some new tennis shoes because these are going to hurt my feet by the end of the day."  Gabby said, "Daddy, you have a new pair of tennis shoes at home."  He said, "I know, Bill, but Emily, the fashion police, told me they were ugly so I don't wear them anymore."  I glared at Emily.  Her and Kensley started laughing.  When he found a shoe store, he pulled in and said, "Come on Fashionista, you're gonna pick them out this time!"  They weren't in there for long when Emily came out and said, "that was easy, I showed him which ones I liked and he liked them too."  He paid for them and when he came back out to the truck, he changed into his new white and black Nike's.  We were good to go...except it was near lunch time so we stopped and ate at Denny's.

When we got to the zoo, it was sooooo crowded.  The line to pay to get in was crazy long!  We kept wrapping around and would talk to Deonica Asberry and Christin Fayne each time we passed them.  We stood in line for awhile and Curt, being the impatient man that he is, suggested I get online on my phone to see what a familoy membership cost.  I did and our research showed that a family membership was cheaper than what it was going to cost each of us to get in seperately.  The next thing I knew, he said, "you stay here in line, I'm gonna see if I can get us in quicker."  While we were waiting, I took some pics of the kids...

Several minutes later he called me and said, "bring the kids over here...the zoo people think we are engaged."  I found him at the entrance and he told me that we had a family membership in each of our names which included both of us and four kids.  He showed his receipt and we walked right in :-)

Things were going well...we saw the warthog and the rhino, next were the giraffes, the ostrich, gazelle, addax and came upon the 4-D Theater.  I can't even remember which 4-D movie they were showing...I know it wasn't the Dora the Explorer one.  Curt bought our tickets, we waited our turn and went inside.  Edison was fine and was enjoying his 3-D glasses.  He was fine until the lights went out and the movie started...and then he was ready to leave.  That's why I don't remember it.  He kept getting louder and louder telling us he was scared.  I was trying to comfort him.  Curt was trying to get him to be quiet.  When the wind started to blow in our face and the water sprinkled on us, Edison was done!  He started screaming.  I had to leave.  I wasn't happy...

Thankfully, the movie was short, but when Curt, Gabby, Emily and Kensley came out, Edison was still upset and crying.  I really hadn't helped with that because I told him how disappointed I was that I didn't get to watch the movie because he wouldn't watch it.  I had tried to get him to hide his eyes, but with the 4-D effects, that wasn't working for him either - he could still "feel it".  I was frustrated because I seem to miss out on a lot of things because he is little and doesn't understand.  He also gets to a point where there is no explaining...he hears nothing you say...he just wants to cry and throw a "fit".  Emily came out and tried to soothe him...that didn't work.  Kensley and Gabby tried.  Finally, we took off walking to the next exhibit and he calmed down.

By the time we got to the elephants, Edison had calmed down enough that Curt was ready to try to talk to him.  Curt picked him up and put him on his shoulders and they had a "man to man talk".  I caught it on camera...actually I have a short little video but here's a pic.  I don't know what they talked about, but Edison was smiling and aiming to please Mr. Davis (for a little while anyway)...

We saw the zebras and some monkeys and visited the petting zoo...

And finally...we made it to the gorilla house...the event Curt had been waiting for.  As we entered the gorilla house, we took pics of the kids inside the outline of a life-size gorilla.  Curt had a picture of this from the last time he had taken Gabby.  He got another one of her on his phone...I wish I would have gotten one on my phone.  We walked in the gorilla house and were walking around taking in all the gorillas to see which ones were active.  I found an open spot next to a window.  Edison was standing right next to the window and a huge gorilla loped over right in front of Edison, like Edison had caught his attention...Edison freaked out!!!  SCREAMING!  He was climbing me like a tree and yelling for me to get him out of there!  Emily and Kensley were embarassed and walked away.  Gabby just stared at him like she couldn't believe how he was acting.  Everyone in the gorilla house turned to watch us and felt sorry for Edison.  I motioned Gabby to follow me and when I got outside, Curt was already there...he looked at me and said, "Oh my God...I have to have a cigarette."  I just looked at him and said, "Really Curt?  the smoking section is way over on the other side of the park..." and he just looked at me and said, "I'm not going to the smoking section...I'm just gonna find a place to light up."  I said, "FINE!" and we all know what fine means - haha.  Emily could tell that I was stressed and she offered to take Edison for awhile.  I let her. 

Kensley, Gabby and I went back inside to watch the gorillas for awhile.  When we came out, Curt was waiting on us...in a little better mood but still a little stressed.  I asked him if he got his nicotine fix and he said he had...he was good to go.  I asked him if he wanted to go watch the gorillas for awhile and he said, "What about me and you come back one day with Kensley and Gabby and we'll walk through the zoo and read all these plaques and we'll watch the gorillas all we want to."  I told him that sounded good.  We continued walking and Curt even held my hand - LOL! 

We observed several more exhibits and Curt was ready for another cigarette.  Of course, being the rule follower I am, I got the map out and was trying to figure out where we were and where the smoking section was located.  Curt just looked at me and said, "Dana...you are such a rule follower and I am so NOT a rule follower...I guess it's true what they say...opposites attract!"  We walked over to a retaining wall and Curt and Gabby sat down.  He positioned me so that he could smoke without anyone seeing him.  I was a nervous wreck because you could see his smoke blowing.  Every time he would try to take a draw, someone would walk by.  He started complaining that everyone walked by at the wrong time.  He said, "I just need three good draws and I'll be good for a little while."  I was a nervous wreck.  He started laughing and said, "What are they gonna do to us, Dana?  Throw us all in the zoo jail?"  He finally got his fix and afterwards I snapped this pic of him and Gabby.  It's priceless :-)

We stopped by several more exhibits and finally met back up with Emily and Edison.  I got some good pics of all of our kids together...

Eventually, we made it to the smoking section and sat there for some time.  We were all exhausted and all stressed in our own ways!  While we were there, Noah and Emily Hulett and their kids walked by and we enjoyed talking to them.  Edison was drinking a red Powerade and spilled it all over Curt's jeans and his new shoes.  Curt just looked at me and shook his head.  I apologized for the fiftieth time, so did Edison.  Curt asked Edison why he kept crying and Edison said "because all these animals is scary!"  Curt looked at me again and shook his head and was ready with another lecture about how I needed to quit coddling him and turning him into a sissy boy!  I quietly said, "I don't want a lecture from you while we are at the zoo."  He smiled and let it go.

We left soon after and stopped at McDonald's on our way home.  Edison spilled his drink.  Kensley said, "ummm...are we still going to the beach this summer?"  Curt snapped, "I don't know...what if we get there and Edison is scared of the ocean?  That will be tons of fun!"  I said, "Curt!  He's four years old."  He said, "He's a boy!  He's not supposed to be scared of animals at the zoo!"  I ignored him and stated, "I'm going to the beach with my three kids in July.  You and Gabby are more than welcome to come along with us."  Curt didn't say anything until after we finished eating.  By then, he had relaxed and Edison was being good and he said, "I guess we're all going to the beach...but I'm going to have to figure out how we are getting there...because I absolutely cannot be in a car for 12 hours with all four kids."

Over the next few weeks, he kept trying to figure out if we should take both vehicles or rent something we could all fit in better.  He talked to Ron Eldridge about flying him and Gabby. We talked about me flying commercially with Edison.  The last time we discussed it...we were driving his truck and tying all of our luggage down on the flatbed in Rubbermaid totes - we were going redneck style --- haha! 

Here is a pic of me and Edison in the front seat and Gabby in the back on our way to the zoo!  I think we would have all gotten along just fine on that 12 hour trip to Florida.  It's the trip home that might have ended our relationship :-)

And one last thing...this came in the mail a few days later...Curt handed me the envelope and said, "Look...our first piece of mail together."  I was surprised to see my name on it (even if the name was wrong), I figured he would have gotten it in his name only since he was the one who paid.  He said he did it that way because if he told them we were engaged, he could get it in both of our names, otherwise, if it was just in his name, he would always have to be with us and this way, if I wanted to go up without him, I could.

 
Wow!  It's funny sometimes, how things work out.   

Dear Curt (Letter #2)

Hey Curt,

Today is Memorial Day...it's been an emotional weekend for me.  Good and bad.  It was our weekend to have all the kids.  I kept wondering what we would have done.  I have a bit of a sunburn, but you might like it...it would save you money not having to buy a tanning package!

I put a single red rose on your grave Saturday afternoon but it has been so hot, it didn't last long.  I stopped by again today. The rose was all dried up but I couldn't bring myself to move it.  I figure it will blow away or someone else can move it for me.  The single red rose I sent to the funeral home, in the Diet Ale-8 bottle, turned out to be a magic rose.  I've never even liked red roses, but a red rose has a whole new meaning to me now.  I don't guess I'll ever look at one without thinking of you, Curtis. 

I ordered it from Family Crafts and Flowers.  Shon, who owns it, lost her husband very soon after they were married.  She told me it had been over 35 years ago and even with all the time...she understands.  She's been so sweet.  I showed her pictures of the rose and she couldn't believe it lasted as long as it did.  She said they poured the Ale-8 out, left a little in the bottom, didn't rinse it out and added water, so we are thinking maybe the "Splenda" helped it live longer, but I prefer to think it was just special...like me and you together were :-)  That rose looked good for almost three weeks!!  Truly amazing.  

I sat outside under the shade tree all day Saturday, talking to Lisa and watching Edison and Mason play in the slip-n-slide and kiddie pool.  I got depressed thinking about how much more fun this weekend would have been if you and Gabby had been here with us.  Steve and Tamra bought a pontoon.  I went down and met them on the dock late Saturday night.  Lea and Fred were there and Angie and Clay.  Late Sunday afternoon, me and the girls met Angie and Clay at the lake and went out on Clay's boat.  We swam in the lake for awhile and ended up back at the campground.  You would love it there!  Everybody was laughing and having a good time and then I had a breakdown. 

I'm so thankful for our friends.  I'm sure they are getting tired of the Dana and Curt stories, but they keep listening anyway.  They tell me things about you and they talk about what a good, honest man you were and how I had "calmed the beast"????  And they hug me and tell me that things are going to get better and I know they are right...it just helps to be around them right now.  I get comfort from that and since you aren't here to help me through this, I have to turn to others...I'm truly blessed to have them call and check on me and to include me.  I know it won't last forever, but they are here now when I need them most and I'm not ready to let them go yet. 

I get so upset that you are gone!  I want you here with me!  I don't want to do this "alone" thing again and I don't want somebody else right now.  I miss you so bad all the time. I am consumed with memories of you and us and I'm constantly wondering what we would be doing or what you would say or do and I get exhausted by it.  I just want to turn it off...but I can't.  I know it will get easier eventually - surely it has to - because I can't keep this up forever!  Since vacation week was our last official plans together (other than the JMM CountryFest in September), I'm hopeful that maybe, after I go on our vacation in July, that I can get some peace.  But vacation without you is going to be difficult.  I'm hoping another month of time and a relaxing week at the beach will help me move on...but I just don't know. 

I went back and looked at your Facebook page today.  Jerry called me the other day and asked if I remembered when the colt was born.  I thought it was July.  He thought it was later in the summer.  Jerry was right...you posted that he was born on August 11th.  Your post said, "My mare had a colt last night.  He looks just like me" and then the next day you said "For those of you who didn't get my post from yesterday...It's a boy!"  :-)  It was after the colt was born that you invited me to bring the kids down one Saturday afternoon to see him.  The month before you went away, we were enjoying going to the barn and helping you break "Bubba", especially Kensley.  I miss the farm and the barn and the horses and the cows and the fox.  Jerry came to visit me again today and I was in the backyard and didn't hear him.  He said he started to walk around to see if Mason was in the backyard but he didn't.  He wants me to help him sell something on CraigsList so, of course, I'm gonna help him with that. I'm very happy to.  He's been so good to me, Curt.  Just like he was always so good to you. I love talking to him because he has so many stories about you.  Everything he did was for you and now that you are gone...he's just lost.  I wish I could help him with all that hay.  He's having to work double hard to make up for what you did.  He canceled his tobacco plants because he knew he couldn't raise the tobacco without your help and sowed the field in oats and fescue so there will be even more hay this fall.  The more I talk to him, I realize how much he loved you!  Everything he did...he did for you and your future in mind!     

I'm gonna post blog on some of your Facebook posts!!  I enjoyed looking back through all of them.  Some of the off the wall things you would say, while I was sitting right there beside you, would make me blush!!  That's part of the reason when you told me that my grandmother had asked to be your friend on Facebook I said you better deny it...not because I didn't want you all to be friends, but because I never knew what you might type!!!!  I have to admit that lately your posts had calmed down and I was thankful for that.

Anyway, Curt, I want you to know that I constantly think about you and us.  I know you want me to move on...and I will...I just need some more time.  So, be patient with me, and don't get upset that I write all this crap for everyone to see.  You can't get mad anyway...because I've learned, since you went away, that you liked to KISS AND TELL and you told some people some pretty private things about us - LOL - and if you were around and I would have known about it BEFORE you went away...I would have said, "Really, Curt?  Are you 34 or are you 14?" and you would have had to make it up to me.  So, consider this your payback...and know there is plenty that I'm tucking away into my memory...just for me...just between us. 

Goodnight, Curtis...and I can hear you saying "Goodnight, Miss Dana"

Happy Memorial Day...I spent mine with memories of YOU!

Dana  XOXOXO

Dear Curt (Letter #1)

Dear Curt,

I can't believe it's been one month.  It still doesn't seem real.  I keep hoping you will call or text or stop by...something...but I know that's not going to happen :-(  I absolutely hate Wednesdays!  Especially lunchtime...specifically between 12:30 and 1:00.   I can't eat a Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowl because that's what I was eating for lunch the last time I talked to you.  I don't like sitting at the picnic table outside my office because that's where I was sitting when I last talked to you.  I don't play Scramble With Friends anymore, because we were playing that day.  I haven't been able to eat at Burger House.  I don't watch much tv and if I do, I just flip through the channels searching for shows you "made" me watch when I was at your house.  At least one time everyday, I listen to a YouTube playlist of sad songs about losing someone you love.  I sing my heart out to Over You every time it comes on the radio.  There are some other things I do and don't do...you would probably think I was crazy if you were still here...but that's okay...

I've been to the cemetery three times.  The first time I took Mason with me.  He was such a good boy that day.  He stretched out over top of your grave and slept soundly for the longest time...like he knew.  He has grieved for you but he seems much better now.  He's happy.  He and Edison are best buddies.  Edison blames all of his farts on Mason now...instead of you!  Wonder who he learned that from?  I went back yesterday and your grandmother, your Aunt Vicky and Aunt Bonnie were there.  I enjoyed talking to them.  They were talking about how much they missed your laugh so I let them listen to you laugh on the videos I have saved to my phone.  They were telling stories on you too.  They said you had the most beautiful skin when you were little...because your mom kept baby lotion on you til you were about 12 - LOL!  Everyone misses you so bad...everyone is still hurting...just trying to make sense of why you are gone and trying to realize that it's true!  I wish I would have been given the opportunity to meet your family under different circumstances.  Kensley and I went back tonight and the cemetery is beautiful with all the flags out for Memorial Day.  I'm planning to go back over the Memorial Day weekend.  Your stone should be up soon...I dread seeing it..."it really sinks in, ya know...when it's written...in stone."   

Something bad happened today and my broken heart broke all over again...this time for our friend, Kat Lane.  Her boyfriend, Micah Shearer was killed in a tragic car accident last night.  Kat is still grieving your loss and now she's going through the same thing I've been going through losing the man she loved.  Talking to Kat today made me realize that I've made progress in the past month. Of course, she can't see that right now because she hurts too bad.  I'm better...but I still feel the sting of the pain...some days are worse than others...I still miss you...and I guess there is a part of me that always will.  But seeing where Kat is today made me see that it's true what they say...time helps.  In the words of Rose Kennedy, "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."


Kensley and I had fun tonight...well, sort of.  We went frog gigging and we turned into girlie girls after we saw a snake!  It was a water moccasin.  I don't like a snake anymore than you ever did!!  And yeah...I haven't forgotten that you were absolutely NO HELP to me when I had a mouse in the house or that time there was a snake in my drive.  But that's okay...I've got that covered...my Mom and Dad take care of those for me.  Um...and I kind of got grossed out when the frogs would try to crawl off like Lieutenant Dan with no legs and their gallbladder hanging out.  It was disgusting...so I'm not sure we will be doing that again...but we did laugh...and as you know...laughter is good.

Mason has discovered the pond in my backyard and I can't keep him out of it.  When he's sweet, I call him Mason Curtis.  When he's chasing frogs into the pond and jumping and swimming all around the nasty water, I call him Mason CurtDavis!  He's had to sleep outside two nights this week because he was wet and caked with stale pond mud.  Tonight, he was so excited that I let him in that he peed in my bed!!  Grrrrr!  Right now, he's stretched out on the rug by my bed sleeping soundly, where he always slept when you were here.

Back to Micah...I met him a month ago...I went to Godfather's two nights after you died and some of our friends met me up there.  Kat was one of them and she brought Micah with her.  He seemed like a good guy and if Kat liked him, I'm sure you will...so try to find him...show him around and you and Micah can look down on me and Kat and try to keep us out of trouble!  We'll be looking up for the two brightest stars in the sky and know that they are the two of you shining down on us. 

Take care...I miss you...,
Dana

Gifts from Curt

Back last May, when I first met Curt, I updated my status on Facebook to say "I would love a Mocha Frappe' from McDonald's right now."  A few minutes later, a chat popped up on my Facebook account from none other than Curt Davis.  Basically, he said, "Hey...I can probably bring you something from McDonalds."  He called a few minutes later to find out where I lived and soon thereafter, he was at my door with a Large Mocha Frappe'.  The boy won my heart in the very beginning.  We stood outside for a long time that night and talked.  Between meeting him at Godfathers and sitting and talking with him at Mariachi's on two different occasions, we had talked about a lot of stuff.  He asked me that night, "Of all the stuff I've told you about me and my past, what scares you the most?"  I looked him straight in the eye and said, "the fact that you're still married."  Of course, he had heard my story by then too and knew where I stood on adultery.  Even though he was separated, I didn't feel comfortable with the situation.  He took a deep breath and said, "Is that all?  Because I can fix that."  Before he left that night, he hugged me and said, "You are so little" and I almost choked on my Mocha Frap.  I said, "There is nothing about me that is little!"  He said, "In my arms, you feel little."  Okay, so that was the second thing that won me over - LOL. 

The mocha frap was the only thing I received from Curt until after we started dating.  On my way to work, one November morning, I sent a picture of my windshield.  It was a yucky, snowy day and I could barely see through my windshield because my wiper blades were not doing their job.  He called me later that afternoon, and asked if I was going to be in a hurry to pick up Edison after work.  I told him that Edison would be with his dad.  He said, Okay then, stop by the shop on your way home, I've got something for you.  I really had no idea what that was about, but I was intrigued.  I stopped by and he came out with two brand new Bosch windshield wipers!  He installed them and they are the best windshield wipers I have ever had.  After he installed them he said, "These are not the cheap crap you've had on there...these are $40 wiper blades, so don't be turning them on when your windshield is frozen, okay?"  I told someone that he has spoiled me to expensive wiper blades.  It's kind of like using CoverGirl make-up and then being introduced to Clinique or Estee Lauder...you just never go back to CoverGirl! 

Curt hated that I chewed my nails.  I chew them bad...not a speck of white nail left when I get finished.  He kept telling me that I should get fake nails and I kept telling him they were too expensive. 

When I returned from my horrible trip to China, as soon as I got in the car at the airport, he handed me a gift certificate to Royal Treatment Salon and Spa and said "Happy Valentine's Day...this should take care of some acrylic nails for a time or two".  It did!

The night after I got them, he was driving my car as we we went out to eat in Danville.  My sister and I were texting back and forth and she sent a picture of a ring she had bought herself in Gatlinburg.  She called as soon as she sent the pic and Curt could only hear my side of the conversation.  I said "that's what I need, now that I have pretty nails, is a ring"  Curt said "Nawnonononono!"  I cracked up and said "Chill out Curtis!  I don't want another left handed ring but one would look really nice on this hand, don't you think?" I still haven't found that right-handed ring that I want...but I keep looking and one day...I will find it.  It's a ring that I want to pick out...and I am hoping to find one while I have these nails. 

The owner of Royal Treatment, knowing that Curt paid for my fill-ins, took care of the fill-in I was due the week he died.  I don't want to give them up...but I may have to.  It would be really great if I could give up chewing on them...but with the stress I'm under, I don't think that's possible! 

I told Curt he was turning me into a high-maintenance woman...something I had NEVER been.  He didn't seem to mind. I figured if he wanted to spend some of his money on me that I wasn't going to stop him.  I was enjoying being spoiled because it was something I had never really experienced.   

One night, we were sitting at my house watching a movie and out of the blue he said "Next thing I'm buying you is a tanning package." I just glared at him and asked, "is there anything about me that you like?"  His response was..."I like everything about you except the fact that you chew your fingers to the quick and I don't think it would hurt for you to have a little bit of a tan."  [insert the mischevious look in his blue eyes and the big ol' laugh], knowing he was gonna be in trouble with me! 

While he was "in trouble" he went on to tell me that he didn't want me in those "stupid capri pants" all summer - LOL.  I said, "um...those are to hide my fat legs" and he said "i like your fat legs and I don't think they're fat."  Looking back, I think he must have been blind, but I really don't care...like I've said before...Curt Davis made me feel good about me.  And now that he's gone, I find myself questioning all those silly things that made my self-esteem plummet in the first place.  I miss having him around to do nice things for me, to say nice things to me....  I had never had anyone who cared about how something made me feel.  Of course a girl wants pretty fingernails.  Of course she wants to be told that she's beautiful.  He liked me for me and the only things he wanted to change were things that could be easily changed.

MEMORY FLASH - Curt singing James Blunt's song "You're Beautiful" completely off key and obnoxiously loud!  We ended up going to his laptop to find the video because we couldn't remember the words.  He sang it for two days until I finally said "would you please quit singing that song? because it's a great song and you are butchering it!" and then a few minutes later...I would be singing it because it was stuck in my head (like now!)   

He told me once...you know one of the things that I like most about you?  He asked me this a lot.  I would always say, "Yes, I know one of the things that you like most about me...but tell me something else."  One time, he said, "When we are together on the weekends and have all the kids, you are like in MOM mode.  You are cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, running with the kids, trying to make them mind, and you are a damn good mom and then on the nights that it's just me and you, you chill out and you act you are 17 years old again, without a care in the world."  He said "You grew up too fast and missed out on too much when you were that age."  He was right.  I got married young, and although Wasband and I waited to start a family...we took on a lot of responsibility and acted like "old people" way before we should have!  I miss acting like a 17 year old, Curt!  It was so nice to be with you and act like nothing else mattered in the world, because when I was with you...that was really all that mattered.