Time to Read!

The last time I started a blog was March 16, 2016.  I had entitled it "Yes...it happened...when I least expected it."  It was started a few months after Mike and I married, while he was in Virginia for 5 months, and it begged to be written to answer all the questions about how we got together and ended up married two months later.  The draft sits there, along with a few others I've started in the past, waiting for me to revisit, re-read, edit and publish.  Writing is my therapy and the good Lord knows I've needed some good therapy lately.

I've been thinking about something else that is good for my mental health that I don't take time to do and that is...READ.  I absolutely love to read and at one time I was reading everything I could get my hands on.  In the past two years, I've only read two books. American Sniper as told by Chris Kyle and Guarded by Angela Correll.    American Sniper was the first gift given to me by Mike.  I received it as a birthday gift in December of 2015.  I started reading it.  We got married.  I got a promotion.  Life got crazy and I quit reading.  This past spring, I took time to read and thoroughly enjoyed Angela Correll's novel, Guarded, the 2nd in her series set in May Hollow.  If you haven't heard about her books, Grounded and Guarded, I encourage you to read them NOW because Granted, the 3rd and final book in her trilogy hits the shelves on November 22nd! 

What do you do to take care of yourself?  You'll find me curled up in my favorite blanket these chilly days, reading!  The first book in my lineup?  Granted by Angela Correll

To pre-order your copy of Granted, click HERE!

There's No Driving Like Snow Driving

I got married when I was 18 years old.  In this day and age, it's almost embarassing to admit that now. I graduated from high school when I was 17 and had nearly one year of college behind me when I walked down the aisle in April.  The following winter, we lived in the bottom of Sue Barbara Court, at the end of Highland Avenue.  It snowed, the hill was slick and like any 18 year old, I was tired of being cooped up.  It was then I decided I was going to teach myself to drive in the snow.  Paul and I were inseparable then, so I'm assuming that if I headed out without him, it was because he was either working or sleeping because he had worked night shift.  

At the time, I was driving my first car, a little light blue 1982 Toyota Corolla - 5 speed.  Somehow I slipped and slid up the incine and made it to Highland Avenue.  I don't recall if I had somewhere to go or if I just wanted out, but I remember driving to the high school parking lot with an agenda.  I was going to teach myself how to drive in the snow.  I have no recollection of how long I was there or even what I did but I remember getting up some speed, hitting my brakes and just getting the feel of what I needed to do to steer out of a skid and I did good!  I was proud of myself.  I thought I might end up doing a doughnut or two but I didn't.  (I did that unintentionally one time on a main road while Jamie was in the same car with me - I still don't know what happened that time - only remembering that I was coming to an intersection, I pushed in the clutch to gear down and the next thing I knew Jamie and I had spun 360 degrees on wet pavement!)

My mom had always gotten out in the snow and went where she needed to go and I guess I wanted to be like her.  She reminded me the other day of the time she tried to gun her Monte Carlo through a snow drift that we could barely see over.  That was back in 1978 or 79.  That didn't turn out so well - haha and Daddy had to come and pull us out with chains. Well, someone did.  I'm not sure if he came looking for us or if someone else had driven upon our predicament - we certainly didn't have cell phones back in the 70s!  I remember another time my mom was driving down US 27 in the snow and all of the sudden she lost control.  We crossed over into oncoming traffic (near where Willie Frances Graham lives) and I could see the whites of the driver's eyeballs).  All of the sudden Mom swerved out of their way, overcorrected onto our side into the shoulder and then somehow straightened the car back up.  Jesus definitely had the wheel that day.  Come to think of it, Jamie was in the back seat on that day too. She said something like... "Nannie!  You...you...you just ran off into the snow cream!"  

For 25 years, I've been getting out in the snow when I need to and sometimes just because I want to.  This is the first time though, since driving the Corolla, that I have a "tiny car" that won't always go when I want it to.  For instance, the other day when I was stuck in the driveway!  When I could finally get out, I took both girls with me.  I told them they need to learn to drive in the snow.  Emily told me she still remembers the time her Dad tried to get our car in Nannie and Papa's driveway and couldn't and I said, "Let me try it" and succeeded :-) Hopefully I've made an impression on her like my mom did for me.  I gave them pointers on how you need to be aware of the road ahead of you so you can avoid using your brakes if it all possible.  It's better to get off the gas and let the car slow on its own when you are driving on a snow covered road.  I explained how the lower gears allow you to have better traction when climbing a snow covered hill and Emily asked "oh, is that what the 1 and 2 are for?"  And I told them I can't really explain what you do, you just have to learn it.  With that information, I encouraged them that when the roads were safer, they should take their vehicles to an open area that is snow covered and get the feel of steering through a skid.  It's definitely a skill they will need for years to come.  We don't all live on main highways - sometimes just getting out of your subdivision requires snow driving skills.  And sometimes, whether its by choice or necessity, we find ourselves driving little bitty cars that are great on gas mileage 11.5 months out of the year but not the best in getting us through the snow for maybe 2 weeks at the most!

I still enjoy the challenge of snow driving.  I can sit inside the house a lot longer now than I could at age 18 but even at 44 a person will eventually go stir crazy!  I'm the one who looks all around to see if any cars are coming up behind me or coming toward me and still do a brake check just for the practice when its been snowing.  So far, I've remained safe and Jesus has taken the wheel when needed.  I pray that He will continue to look over me when I'm driving, especially considering I drive about 26,000 miles each year!

Stay safe y'all!  

Divorce-aversary

Six years ago today...

My sister thinks its ridiculous I can remember the date, so I didn't even remind her that I remembered another year had passed.  In fact, I only shared it with three people...until you all read this.  Remembering dates is both a blessing and a curse.  This morning, I woke up, looked at the time and date and it was the first thing I thought of.  "Oh!  It's February 6th. I've been single for 6 years...has it been six years?  Wow!  Six years.... Happy Divorce-aversary to me....Six years...I've come a long way..." and then THE song popped into my head.  I guess because thinking back to where I was six years ago was both overwhelming and empowering!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

     TRUE

Kept thinking I could never live without him by my side

     TRUE

But then I spent so many nights,

thinking how he did me wrong

     TRUE

And I grew strong and I learned how to get along

     TRUE

And so you're back...from out of space...

     FALSE

He never came back... and that rejection....that's what hurt most of all.  

First I had to fall out of love and then I had to deal with the rejection.

It took a long time!!  Much more than half of the six years.  

And rejection?  It changes a person...

He's the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye...

I almost crumbled...I wanted to lay down and die

     KNOW WHAT?  I DIDN'T!  

I SURVIVED!

As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive

     THANKS TO MY CHILDREN

I've got all my life to live

     TRUE

I've got all my love to give

     TRUE

And I'll SURVIVE!!!!

Now this brings me around to another song I've been singing this past week.

Little diddy...'bout Jack and Diane.  You know...two American kids growing up in the heartland?

You know who I'm talking about, right?

The lyric that has stuck in my head all week is this one.

Oh yeah, life goes on....long after the thrill of living is gone

     IT'S BEEN A BAD WEEK

     I'M MISSING THE THRILL

Oh yeah, life goes on...

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart

     TRUE

Kept tryin' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart

     TRUE

And I spent oh so many nights feeling sorry for myself

     TRUE (too many)

I used to cry

      A LOT!

But now I hold my head up high!

     MOST DAYS WHEN I'M NOT MISSING THE THRILL

I'm not that chained up little person still in love

     THANK GOD!

I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me :-)

     HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

For the record, this post is not meant, in any way, to be offensive toward Wasband.   This is about me and how I've grown from a very naive and scared woman when he first left to someone who has proven to myself that I WILL SURVIVE.  A divorced relationship is not an easy one to manage, especially when no one involved has any experience.  At the end of the day, I don't think either of us wish ill will toward the other...well, okay, there have been times - LOL, but in all seriousness, I have never wished that he was absent from my children's lives because I know he loves them and they need him.  In the past few weeks, I have taken a huge step to finally be able to let go and truly heal by having an open conversation with his wife.  We have both agreed to take baby steps toward a better relationship with one another.  I am hopeful.  We both know there are things that will come about to cause stress and we've agreed to deal with those as they come without undoing any progress we have made.  We've also agreed to just ask the other about things before assuming tone.  The mother/step-mother relationship is even harder to navigate than the divorced spouse.  I'm supposed to be reading a book I suggested to her that we read together entitled "No One's the Bitch" about how to navigate the mother/stepmother relationship.  I haven't downloaded it yet but I plan to do that next week.  

God has been dealing with me lately to LET IT GO...uhm...I'm not singing that one!

It's not in my nature to hate.  It's also not like me to be unforgiving.  I hope most people who have been a big part of my life know that about me.  It's taken me awhile to get there with this particular situation.  

You will begin to heal when you let go of past hurts, forgive those who have wronged you and learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes.  -Author Unknown

Forgiveness will lead to the hope for my future...into eternity.  

I WILL SURVIVE!

Credits to Ms. Gloria Gaynor for her lyrics to "I Will Survive", a song I had heard for years but never truly listened until the lyrics got my attention. 

There's a Mama Bear in the Soccer Stands

Tonight, my daughter ended her high school junior season for the Garrard County Lady Lions soccer team.  They lost in the worst way possible...they were mercy ruled, meaning the other team scored 10 goals more than them to end the game early.  That's a horrible way to end a season.  It's sad for the seniors and for the team and doesn't show at all the strength this team has when playing a team of equal pairing. 

It was an ugly, rainy and cold night...and I got ugly.  First of all, I dislike when both teams have to sit together.  Our field is like that.  All the bleachers are together and both team's parents have to sit side by side.  Soccer can be an aggressive sport and sometimes parents can get a little hot when calls are being overlooked and players are playing dirty.  It's awful when you have to listen to the snarky remarks made by the opposing team. 

So tonight, I mouthed back on a couple of occasions.  For instance, when they [a few of the opposing team spectators]  were cheering for a girl who received a penalty for a dirty play and then when they [the people sitting next to me] started saying "Come on! Let's mercy rule them so we can go eat some warm soup!"  Really? 

I know not everyone will agree with me.  Some people are super competitive and want to win BIG at whatever the cost.  I don't guess I should expect everyone to be as nice as our coach but a little give wouldn't kill anyone either.  We could have easily mercy ruled Casey County a few weeks back but instead of ending the game, our coach let the defense play offense, pulled the goalie out of the box and let her play forward to try to score, and tried people around at different positions.   It gave the girls a chance to have fun and keep playing without causing a total embarrassment to the other team.   
Boyle County came tonight with all intentions of mercy ruling us.  They kept their secondary team in full warm-up attire throughout the entire game obviously not intending to play them.  I don't understand, and maybe someone can enlighten me, as to why all school sports teams have to be in a geographical district except football and they get to play teams who come from the same size school.  Shouldn't this apply to all sports?  I guess in a perfect world!

I mean, sometimes I feel like our school playing Boyle County is like a private Christian college team playing a top ranked Division 1 NCAA team.  They come in 3 benches deep, wearing their matching warm ups with monogrammed backpacks.  Five coaches and a special breast cancer awareness uniform.  To rub more salt in our wound, several girls from both teams played little league together and a few played with us through middle school and maybe even one year of high school. 

Don't get me wrong...I love those girls, their parents and their grandparents.  Some are Garrard County people and their families continue to be.  I remember the day two of those girls were born and I grew up with their parents.  This is not about the girls.  They are awesome soccer players - the whole Boyle County team is a great soccer team!  My daughter played with a soccer club this past spring with a few of the girls, made new friendships and rekindled some old. 

Tonight...I'm the mama bear. The one who wants to protect her young.  It hurts to lose!  It hurt my heart to see my daughter, who absolutely loves the sport of soccer and who played her heart out tonight, walk off the field with tears in her eyes because her junior season ended on this note.  It makes me mad because everyone [okay...not everyone...but several spectators] on the other team seemed to think it was funny and more important  to get out of the rain than to let our girls finish with their heads up.

Was tonight one of my proud to be Dana nights?  Nope.  I let my emotions get the best of me.  Do I mean for this post to be ugly toward anyone?  Absolutely not!  I've just always been free with sharing my feelings and I had some raw ones tonight. 

This is what I'm feeling ... Sadness for a team of WONDERFUL sweet girls and two GREAT coaches who walked off the field drenched in cold rain, some with a few tears flowing, all hanging their heads in defeat.  This is not what Garrard Soccer is.  We had a great season.  We just happen to be a small school surrounded by bigger schools and play in a very competitive district. 

Keep your heads up.  I love you all...I have faith in you...and next year is a new year.  I'm looking forward to my Senior year as a Soccer Mom!

WE ARE GC!

It Takes Me Awhile...

It takes me awhile to get over things. For instance, my husband left me over 5 years ago and I still struggle with the aftermath of that. It took awhile for me to even date again. The few guys I have met have contributed to destroying my self esteem even more than the man I was married to. Two years post divorce I dated a guy who died unexpectedly for a stupid reason and I continue to deal with that. It seems that most men I have ever trusted my heart with has lied, cheated, betrayed or deceived me in a big way. 

Needless to say a HUGE part of my self-esteem issues revolve around... REJECTION and because of that I easily slip into the "friend" mode. It's easier to set yourself up as a friend than to put yourself out there to be rejected. A person can only take so much of that!

And so, I'm always perplexed by the  people who have split up from their boyfriends or divorced theirs spouses, or how those who have lost loved ones due to death, can move on so quickly. Many are now engaged. Some have children with new partners.  Others have had multiple new people in their lives and still others are remarried and I'm just over here like...huh?

I know people grieve differently.  I grieved the loss of my marriage like a death. And the death of a boyfriend was painful in itself and then brought back the grief from the marriage loss and it seems to be a vicious cycle.  Anytime I face rejection it brings it all back. Sounds like I need counseling...or maybe I'm picky and I've realized I'm not desperate. I've proven I can make it on my own and although it would be nice to walk through life with someone, I'm not willing to settle. 

If that means I'll be single forever, then so be it. Although it hasn't always been easy, I don't regret the time I've taken to heal from the hurt and to help my children heal from theirs. We are all still very much a work in progress with the life we've been forced to face. 

Hope you've enjoyed another entry of "Dana Shares Too Much". This will come back to bite me when I want to run for political office. Oh, who am I kidding?  I would never set myself up for that rejection!

It Was a Privilege...

PLEASE NOTE there are possible spoilers to the book "The Fault in our Stars" so if you haven't read it and plan to, be warned!

I happen to be a fan of Young Adult fiction and after having a few quotes from this book catch my attention on Pinterest, started reading The Fault in our Stars by John Green earlier this week.  By last night I was in the thick of it and could not stop turning the pages. This evening I'm exhausted as I was up until 2 a.m. finishing it. I soaked 5 tissues with my tears and at one point laid my iPad down and bawled.  It took a good hour and a half to process what I had read enough to be able to sleep.

First and foremost it's a sweet love story between two teenagers who meet in a cancer support group. There are definitely funny parts and I laughed out loud many times.  Terminal cancer diagnosis are involved. Terminal cancer leads to death. Death and dying bring grief and tears. Tears require tissues.  The book is part tragedy.  

With this being the anniversary week of the second year that Curt is no longer here, he has been on my mind a lot!  I can only think of one day in two years that I went an entire day without thinking of him. I panicked at bedtime when I realized I hadn't thought about him and it hasn't happened since. It's not always sad. Most times I smile with happy memories.  It may be a Dodge Dually flatbed rolling down the highway, big stacks on a Dodge Ram, diesel smoke, the smell of a Marlboro, Wrangler jeans, something somebody says, a picture or post by Gabby, a Peterbilt truck, an AC/DC song, a Mocha Frappe, a Carharrt symbol, a tv show, an Ale-8 bottle, Garth Brooks, someone's blue eyes...any number of things that I may see or hear throughout any day which will cause Curt Davis to cross my mind.

As I read one part of the book last night I was comforted in knowing, after having experienced a  painful loss of my own, that time certainly heals. When you first begin facing the shock you wonder how you will ever accomplish getting through a day without crying or without feeling like a giant part of your heart is missing.  Reading near the end of the book, I was able to feel some of the same raw emotion I felt two years ago upon learning of Curt's death and then walking through the motions of his visitation and funeral.  Don't get me wrong, I was thankful it was a book of fiction and I wasn't forced to fully experience a loss of that magnitude all over again but the author did a great job getting into my thoughts during that time.  

"...and then I realized there was no one else to call, which was the saddest thing. The only person I really wanted to talk to about Augustus Waters' death, was Augustus Waters."  I can relate. I wanted one more conversation. I wanted answers. I wanted closure. 

"The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with."  It's strange that in the initial stages of grief you are able to recall so many memories and then you slowly realize those memories are fading. With the passage of more time you understand there are some things you have to let go and then, something may occur 5 months later, 14 months later or two years later, and you must be reminded to "let it go" because holding on keeps you imprisoned in a pit that's difficult to climb and keeps you from enjoying life.

There was one quote that hit me hard.  When Hazel Grace walks up to the casket and had the thought that she "would never see his blue eyes again" I had a setback and it was at that point my iPad was set aside and I cried, hard, similar to those first few raw days, because...even though it's been two years and even though i feel I've finally accepted his death and moved on to whatever my future may hold,I am broken hearted, not just for myself, but for everyone who truly knew him and loved him, because we will "never see his blue eyes again."

With that being said there were two other quotes in the book that were, in my opinion, perfect. 

"It [was] a privilege to have my heart broken by you" knowing "grief does not change you...it reveals you."  

In Memory of 

Curtis Wayne Davis

1/4/78 - 4/25/12

Lesson Learned...Moving On...

After my cryptic Facebook post yesterday, many have asked me to elaborate, so after a 7 month break from blogging, I have returned, so that you...my dear Facebook followers and Blogspot friends, may laugh...at my expense - LOLOLOLOL!

I haven't been out much since Curt died.  I went a little crazy the summer after his death trying to put things into perspective...the wrong way...and then I met someone who pointed me back in the right direction.  I've definitely changed...for the better (I think) and have gotten back in touch with the REAL Dana Woods :-). 

This past weekend, I decided to go out with my friend Kathy to see my favorite band, Trailer Trash, performing at Momma's Last Chance Saloon, as it was their last performance in our fine State of Kentucky and we wanted to see them one last time before they go their separate ways.  I grew up with one of the band members and became friends with another.  I've spent several weekends with them since I've been divorced.  I'm not one to go clubbing or to hang out in bars, but there was a comfort level with TTB just because I knew the band and I knew their wives and I knew some of their regular followers, so I when I went to listen, there were always people there that I knew and enjoyed being with.  I have some great memories with that band and...I'm going to miss them. 

I've also never been one to drink a lot of alcohol but I do enjoy a mixed drink or a glass or two of Moscato wine from time to time.  I was sitting at a bar table with some of my "kinfolk" from one side of the family, when a good looking guy asked if he could buy me a drink.  I told him I was not drinking and he went on to the bar.  Kathy said, "Dana, you could have told him you'd have a Diet Coke."  I looked at her and said "Well...I'm not thirsty so I didn't think about it...and you know I'm bad at this game."  She laughed.  The guy returned and sat with us.  We exchanged all the "let's get to know each other a little bit" information, such as what's your name, where are you from, where do you live, where do you work, blah blah blah.  Things were going well...and he asked if I wanted to dance.  Of course I did, what girl doesn't like a slow dance, right?  So, we talked more on the dance floor, and then I mingled with some friends and he mingled with his.  We said "Goodnight" and I thought that was the end.

I was starving.  It was 1:20 in the morning.  Everyone who has hung out at a bar, saloon, honky tonk, etc., knows that the only place open at 1:20 in the morning is.... WAFFLE HOUSE.  I don't think any of us were ready to say goodbye to Trailer Trash so several of us drove on over to Waffle House to eat breakfast.  Kathy and I walked in and had a seat at a booth for four.  The friend of the guy I had talked to at the bar came and asked if they could sit with us...we said "Sure!  Come on over!" and they did. 

And this is where it gets interesting...

The guy (I am not printing his name in order to protect our innocence to a situation we had no idea we were getting into), asked me where I was from.  I said "Garrard County".  He said, "I'm from Lexington but my Dad was from Garrard County."  About the same time, I said "You told me your first name but you never told me your last."  As soon as he said his last name, I said "What? Can you repeat that?" and Kathy said "Spell it!" and as soon as he spelled it, I knew we had to be related.  I said "Who is your Dad?" and he told me his Dad's first name.  I said "Oh...I know a guy with that name but he's deceased."  He said, "My dad died several years ago."  I said, very matter of factly, "I know we have to be cousins."  He said "Surely not, my grandmother is [he inserted her name]" and I said "yes, and your grandfather is [I inserted his name] and this is just great because YOUR grandfather and MY grandmother are BROTHER AND SISTER!  Oh! and your grandmother's oak kitchen table sits in my dining room!" 

By this time, Kathy has put it all together and is practically laying down on the bench saying, "You all are 3rd cousins!!  Bwahahahaha!!" as she is laughing uncontrollably and apologizing for the laughter at the same time.

I asked him why I never saw him at a Family Reunion and he said "Because you all are all into horseback riding and barns and hay and that just isn't my thing.  I came when I was little."  I asked "Why aren't you on our Family Reunion Facebook page?" and he said "I don't know, I didn't know we had one!"  And we proceeded to discuss how small our world really is that we would not see each other since we were little and really not even know one another, and then run into each other at a place half way in between the two places we grew up, be drawn to one another...only to find out that we are FAMILY!

So, anyway...some of the lessons I learned include: 

1. Any hott guy I meet could be related because we have good looking men in our family!
2. In addition to asking for first and last names when first meeting someone, I will also start asking for information about their family tree/bloodline.
3. When both your mom and dad come from large families and everyone has stayed closed to the same county, you are more than likely related in some way.
4. Being part of a huge family is both a blessing...and sometimes a curse.

When I told my mom and dad this story, they just laughed and my mom said "this is both hilarious...and a little bit sad."  I just don't think it is meant for me to find anyone because that revelation certainly put the brakes on any future with him - LOL.

I am happy to have met a long lost cousin, and he was a complete gentleman and bought my breakfast.  And seriously, I'm glad we figured that all out before anything became more awkward than it already was!!

Lesson Learned.  I'm Moving on...Next Please :-)