It Takes Me Awhile...

It takes me awhile to get over things. For instance, my husband left me over 5 years ago and I still struggle with the aftermath of that. It took awhile for me to even date again. The few guys I have met have contributed to destroying my self esteem even more than the man I was married to. Two years post divorce I dated a guy who died unexpectedly for a stupid reason and I continue to deal with that. It seems that most men I have ever trusted my heart with has lied, cheated, betrayed or deceived me in a big way. 

Needless to say a HUGE part of my self-esteem issues revolve around... REJECTION and because of that I easily slip into the "friend" mode. It's easier to set yourself up as a friend than to put yourself out there to be rejected. A person can only take so much of that!

And so, I'm always perplexed by the  people who have split up from their boyfriends or divorced theirs spouses, or how those who have lost loved ones due to death, can move on so quickly. Many are now engaged. Some have children with new partners.  Others have had multiple new people in their lives and still others are remarried and I'm just over here like...huh?

I know people grieve differently.  I grieved the loss of my marriage like a death. And the death of a boyfriend was painful in itself and then brought back the grief from the marriage loss and it seems to be a vicious cycle.  Anytime I face rejection it brings it all back. Sounds like I need counseling...or maybe I'm picky and I've realized I'm not desperate. I've proven I can make it on my own and although it would be nice to walk through life with someone, I'm not willing to settle. 

If that means I'll be single forever, then so be it. Although it hasn't always been easy, I don't regret the time I've taken to heal from the hurt and to help my children heal from theirs. We are all still very much a work in progress with the life we've been forced to face. 

Hope you've enjoyed another entry of "Dana Shares Too Much". This will come back to bite me when I want to run for political office. Oh, who am I kidding?  I would never set myself up for that rejection!