Grief...and Curt's stuff

I've read a lot about grief recently.  Just trying to identify the stages that I'm going through and making sure they are normal.  I had classes on death, dying and grief with my Family Studies degree so I've pulled out the old college books and read those too.  Turns out, I am normal and the most frustrating thing about grief is that you will go through a stage and then go on to another (because a person does not experience them in any certain order) and then you may go back and revisit the same stage again.  It's tiresome and at the beginning you wonder if you will ever get to a point where you won't be consumed by it.  Everyone says time will heal...I don't think you ever truly heal, you just learn to play with the hand you've been dealt.   

Since Curt has died I have had the most nervous stomach.  I couldn't eat for over two weeks and lived off of Mocha Fraps from McDonald's.  It was the only thing that even sounded good.  I've drank so many, they sound disgusting now.  By drinking them, I certainly didn't deny myself calories but I did deny myself nutrients.  Even now, I'm not eating normally and pretty much have one meal a day.  I wouldn't recommend it as a weight loss plan, but it's working as one. 

I can't turn my mind off at night to even go to sleep and then I wake up at 5:00 in the morning feeling like I'm going to have to sing the lead role in a school play.  I've laughed, I've cried, I've screamed, I've gotten mad, I've had panic attacks and I'm working extremely hard not to go into a depression.  Just as with the divorce, I am doing it medication free.  FEEL THE PAIN - EXPERIENCE THE HURT - LIVE THROUGH IT, REMEMBER IT ALL!  Is it easy?  NO!  Someone told me the other day, "Just remember, Dana, that which doesn't kill you will make you stronger."  My reply was "I should have biceps the size of Curt Davis right now!" 

Right now, I'm dealing with Curt's stuff at my house.  There wasn't much but at the same time there is so much to remind me of his past presence here.  

For example: Tonight, I finally fixed the spaghetti I was going to fix for him the night he died.  For whatever reason, he loved my spaghetti and it was a regular request of his.  A week before his death, he had purchased a new bag of ice.  He gave me a hard time because he had seen all the ice trays stacked in my cabinet and couldn't figure out why I would fill them up.  I told him it was easier to grab a bag of ice from the Dollar Store.  Call me crazy, but I don't want to use all the ice from the bag that he had bought.  Curt loved Fruit Loops and Fruity Pebbles and didn't eat them with milk.  He didn't like milk so he ate them with Welch's Apple Pineapple Orange Juice blend.  We had 1/2 gallon left in the gallon jug he had bought and I've finally allowed Edison to start drinking it again. I have a box of Fruit Loops.  Edison asked the other day if he could eat Curt's Fruit Loops.  He likes to eat them with juice now too, instead of milk (Thanks for that Curtis!)

Under my counter is a huge bottle of Bacardi Arctic Grape Rum.  Curt liked to mix his rum with Diet Ale-8 (for you out-of-state blog readers...Ale-8-1 is a Kentucky soft drink manufactured in Winchester, KY).  One must acquire the taste of Ale-8, it's kind of like a ginger ale - but better - and it is reported that they have large amounts of caffeine. I'm a huge Diet Ale-8 fan but am convinced my large consumption gave me kidney stones a couple of years back so I don't drink as many as I did in the past.  Curt would give me a hard time and say, "For a girl who don't drink Ale-8 because she's scared of kidney stones, I sure seem to buy a lot that I don't remember drinking!"  I would blame it on the rum - LOL. 

When we first started dating, Curt introduced me to Strawberry Rum.  I'm not a big drinker but I do enjoy a mixed drink or a glass of wine from time to time.  Before I met him, my mixed drink of choice was "Sex on the Beach".  When he started mixing strawberry rum and diet ale-8, I liked it and actually named the drink "Sex on the Creek".  He said I must mean something to him since I let him name his drink!  Soon afterwards, he discovered Arctic Grape Rum and while I preferred to mix the grape with Diet Pepsi, he liked either one.  He could mix mine perfectly and we mixed ours completely opposite.  Mine had the same amount of rum as his had cola - Ha!   When he switched from Strawberry to Grape, he changed the name of the drink a little....but I would never call it what he called it because it was pretty bad...basically if a flavored rum was added to Diet Pepsi or Diet Ale-8, we called it "Sex on the Creek".  For those of you who don't know...Curt lived on Gilbert's Creek :-)

Let's see...what else...he left a pack of Marlboro's in my bedside table drawer.  There are 7 left in the pack and I count them every few days.   I can't deny that I haven't thought about smoking one or two of them.  When I was mowing, I found a cigarette butt in the ground and added it to the pack (yes...crazy I know...maybe I do need medication!)  He also had some Rolaids in the drawer.  I did take one of those the other night.  In my bathroom, his toothbrush is still laying exactly where he left it.  He had also brought a new toothbrush for Gabby that has not been opened.  Emily had a friend over who had forgotten her toothbrush and Emily came to me and asked if she could give it to her.  I said "No".  I know that was rude, but I'm just not ready to give up anything at this time.

I finally changed my sheets the other day, but I haven't changed my pillow cases because there is one that I can still smell just the faintest hint of Curt's cologne and I'm not ready to let that go.  Curt had left a pair of shorts here and I've worn them almost every night since he died.  Gabby let me choose three t-shirts from his closet and I've worn each of them a few times.  Anything that was his is just precious to me right now.  I'm thinking eventually I'll be able to let it go, or at least box it up and put it away, but I just can't do it yet.

Of course, I have all the rose petals from his funeral.  I have gifts I received from people to commemorate his life and passing.  I have several sympathy cards, bows, the Diet Ale-8 bottle that I sent the single red rose to the funeral home in (that rose story will definitely have its own blog entry).  I have six months worth of pictures and I'm planning to use Microsoft MovieMaker to put them to music and save.  I've printed them out and have a few sitting on my nightstand.  I'm putting together a list of all the facebook, e-mail and text messages I received from family and friends and friend's of Curt's who I didn't even know.  Some of those have meant more to me than anything.  I don't have much, but I cherish every item I have and the memory that goes along with it. 

And then...I can't forget about MASON!  He's sleeping outside tonight because he chased a frog into the pond.  He's covered in gray clay and smells like a stale pond.  I'm thinking he's going to have to have a bath tomorrow.  The bad thing is that he has discovered the pond...and I bet I have a hard time keeping him out of it.  When he jumped in the pond, I was on the phone with a friend.  She told me after hearing stories from Curt's childhood friends a few days ago, that Mason seems to act just like him.  I think she's probably right! 

I am!!!

Edison reminded me of a fun time with Curt tonight and after we laughed he said "Curt was so fun, wasn't he Mama?  I miss him."  Edison spoke the truth.  He was so much fun!  He constantly made all of us laugh.  I know Edison misses him, I miss him so much it physically hurts sometimes. 

For about two years now, I have asked this question to Edison on a regular basis (like 2-6 times a day)... "Who's my favorite boy?" and he would quickly respond "Eddy" or "Me!" or "I am!"

After I started dating Curt, he had heard me say it over and over and one night, when I said, "Who's my favorite boy?" both Edison AND Curt responded at the same time... "I am!"...both with the same enthusiasm.  Edison got so tickled so I kept asking and they were having a race to see who could say it the quickest. Edison would always say "I'm really your favorite, right Mama?" and Curt would say "No...I am her favorite" and eventually I would settle it by telling them that Edison was my favorite little boy and Curt was my favorite big boy.  This became a ritual everytime both of them were together. 

One night, Curt and I and all four kids were together down at his house.  I asked the question and both Curt and Edison answered "I am!" obnoxiously loud.  So the next time, I said "Who's my favorite girl?" and Edison yelled out "I am" but I wasn't able to get Curt on that one.  Gabby cracked up and Curt was all over Edison calling him a girl!  We all had a big laugh together over that.  Edison took it well...he thought it was pretty funny too. 

I've only asked Edison our question a couple of times since Curt passed away, and I haven't even used my normal voice or inflection.  It's been more subdued.  Mostly because it's one of those sweet memories that I absolutely loved and that I really miss and while it started out being my patent question for Edison...Curt made it a lot of fun!

Tonight, after not seeing Edison over the weekend, I asked him in the same excited mom voice I used in the past..."Who's my favorite boy?" and he said "I am! and Mason is too since Curt isn't here anymore."  It broke my heart but I smiled and gave him a big hug and I said "You will always be my favorite little boy and I guess Mason can be my favorite boy dog."  Edison said, "Remember, Mama, when you would say 'Who's your favorite boy' (using the same voice I always had in the past) and me and Curt would both say 'I am!'"  I replied, "Yes, Edison, I remember that...I don't think I will ever forget it" and that's when he said "Curt was so fun, wasn't he Mama?  I miss him."  "I know you do, baby boy, I miss him too."

Watching Edison go through the grief process has been educational, emotional, sad, tiring, and at times...comical.  I plan to blog about that in the future, but for now...my favorite boy and my favorite boy dog are laying in the bed with me and it's time for all of us to go to sleep.  Goodnight friends...

Mother's Day 2012

As has been the norm since Curt's death, I woke up with a nervous stomach on Mother's Day.  I immediately detected the sound of rain on my roof and could tell it was a dreary day by the darkness inside my bedroom.  Rain depresses me.  I know that rain is a good thing, but rain takes me back to a time that I dealt with some pretty sad, raw emotions and everytime it rains, it just makes it hard for me to be happy.  It rained the morning after Curt died and then it's rained quite a bit since then, but there have been days that the sun has shone brightly and I like that...I like to think that when the sky is blue and the clouds are sparse it gives the people in heaven a clear view of the happy things on Earth! 

Anyway, waking up to a dreary, rainy, Mother's Day immediately put me in a solemn mood and I immediately thought of Curt's mother.  She was facing Mother's Day, two weeks after his visitation, without her only child.  I cannot fathom that!  I am blessed beyond measure with three healthy children.  As sad as I have been, I don't think a sadness could ever compare to losing a child.  I've heard it said "When you lose a parent - you lose your past; when you lose your mate - you lose your present; when you lose a child - you lose your future".  I have thought of that many times over the years.  I guess I first heard that when my friend, Brian Harden, was tragically killed in a helicopter crash at age 29.  He was a flight paramedic and the helicopter in which he was riding crashed into the side of a mountain at take-off.  Until Curt's death, I had never had another death affect me quite so deeply (except for an infant funeral I attended about 5 1/2 years ago).  Brian had been in my first wedding as a groomsman for my now ex-husband.  I had known him for years as we grew up in the same town and attended the same high school.  His wife had two small children and was pregnant with her third child.  I had a hard time coming to grips with those little girls losing their daddy at such young ages and one never having the opportunity to meet her father, I had known Brian's mother forever and I couldn't imagine what she was going through losing a child and then there was Brian's wife, Patti, pregnant with two small children, suddenly alone having to do it all by herself.  Patti and her children had a strong support system of wonderful family and friends.  She moved on with her life, she seems very happily remarried and their children are thriving as teens/pre-teens!!  I'm thankful to Facebook for allowing me to keep up with their lives :-)

I shed many tears on Mother's Day 2012.  Some were happy.  Most were sad.  I had lots of "what if" questions throughout the day.  I wondered how differently my Mother's Day would have been if Curt were alive.  I'm guessing he would have made sure my kids had gotten me something for Mother's Day.  I know he would have made sure his daughter had bought something for her mom.   I'm assuming that while I was in Danville eating with my Grandmother and family that he would have been in Danville visiting his mother.  He might have taken me out to eat later since it rained all day and grilling wasn't really an option.  I'm so full of "what ifs" and think I may always wonder about things but eventually it won't consume my thoughts. 

Edison heard a commercial on the radio when we were driving in the car last week.  He said "Mom, what is Mother's Day?"  I said, "Oh...Mother's Day is all about me!!  That's the day you are really nice to your mommy and you give her lots of hugs and kisses."  He said, "Is that all?" and I replied, "Well, Mommy's also like to get presents that day."  He thought for a few minutes and then he said "I'm going to get you a BIG heart."  I'm not sure if he thinks I need a bigger heart or if I need a new one to replace this old broken one, but I could tell he was excited. 

As I was waking up on Sunday morning, I felt Edison stirring around next to me.  While we were still laying in bed I whispered and asked if he knew what today was.  He popped up and excitedly said "It's Mudder's Day!"  He immediately rolled out of bed with the intention of making me breakfast.  He tried to wake Kensley who had told him she would help him and she wasn't quite ready to get up.  He began crying, "nobody will help me make you breakfast" and I said, "please don't cry first thing on Mother's Day, I'm not hungry yet anyway."  The next thing I know, Kensley is standing in my door with her hand on my hip saying, "Remember that ear infection I had where this ear hurt so bad and I couldn't hear anything out of it? (I nodded yes as she contined talking) Well, it was getting better but now I can't hear anything out of it AGAIN because Edison has been yelling at me to get out of bed!"  HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME :-)

Kensley and Edison began making cherry turnovers and when Kensley got to a part where Edison couldn't help, he started the next item on his agenda - getting my gift.  He had made some things for me at daycare and my mom had helped him wrap them.  The gift was in the trunk of my car and of course, it was raining.  When I told him where the gift could be found, he knew he needed the keys to my car.  Suddently, I'm blinded by the overhead light in my room as he brings me my purse and plops it on my bed.  I couldn't find them and told him to go ask Emily because she had driven my car last.  I heard him go into her room and the next thing I hear is her yelling "They are on the kitchen counter, now leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep!"  He brings the keys to me and asks which button he needs to push to unlock the back, so I show him.  He goes back into Emily's room which also has the door leading outside.  He can't unlock it.  He asks Emily to help him.  She refuses.  He comes back into my room and says "I can't unlock the door, can you get out of bed just one time?"  So...feeling sorry for him...I do.  I go to the back door, unlock it, say something smart to Emily, supervise Edison as he runs out in the rain and retrieves my gift and help him dry his feet off when he comes back in.  I go back to bed...because I'm waiting for my breakfast in bed to get done!!

Edison asks Emily if she has a present for me.  Her reply "Mom wouldn't let me freakin' go anywhere last night so I didn't get her anything."  Okay...so now my feelings are hurt on Mother's Day.  You see, Emily got into a little bit of trouble Friday evening and I had told her she was going to be grounded but I hadn't told her exactly what was going to happen.  She knew she was in trouble and yet, Saturday afternoon, I let her go do what she wanted to do AFTER I had bought oil for her car.  I also gave her some money and told her EXACTLY what I wanted for Mother's Day and told her where she could find it.  As it turns out, she never got it Saturday afternoon.  When she asked to go out on Saturday night with her friends, I said no!  She blew up.  She went to bed at 8:00 p.m., well sort of, not really if you count getting up and stomping around the house from time to time, slamming things around in the kitchen and bringing negative energy (as my friend Tawnya says) to everyone else in the house. 

As I tell my children all the time, I wasn't born yesterday and I am not an idiot.  Do you think, when I told her she couldn't go out on Saturday night that she asked if she could at least drive to go get my present?  NO, she never mentioned it!!  She was mad at me and didn't care if I got a Mother's Day present or not.  She showed conditional love for me.  As long as I let her do what she wants...she'll be nice.  Well, guess what?  I will always show unconditional love for you sweetheart, regardless if I get a Mother's Day gift (with my own money) or not.  You see?  I don't care what you do...I will always love you!!!

Kensley comes into my room with two cherry turnovers on a real plate and Edison has a Diet Pepsi for me.  Kensley had served her and Edison on paper plates...wasn't that sweet?  I only had to wash one plate!!!  She says, "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for Mother's Day, but when you wouldn't let Emily drive, we couldn't get it."  I looked at her and said "Really, Kensley?  Do you think I'm that dumb?  Do you really think that if you had told me that you needed to drive up the road to get my gift that I would have said no?  Um...for that matter, it was within walking distance!"  I told her it was okay.  I had only told Emily she couldn't go out with her friends, yet neither of them made any effort to do anything for me.  Does it hurt my feelings?  Of course it does!  Does it change my love for them?  Absolutely not!  I'm blessed to have them all, even with their crying and whining, yelling and screaming, stomping and slamming, sometimes ungrateful preschool  and teenage attitudes!

My co-workers and I discussed our Mother's Day gifts this morning.  One co-worker told me, "Dana, you have daughters, and some day, when they become mothers, they will make up for this time.  I have sons, whose wives do not care, and I end up with useless junk from them every year!"  This year, a young lady, who considers this co-worker her second mom had asked to come and spend the afternoon with her.  When she visited, she brought her a sweet card and a gift certificate to Kohl's.  She said she wished her son's would think along the same lines!  So...I am hopeful that someday...I may look back and remember the precious framed poem I received from Edison and the heart-shaped cookie-cutter painted collage and how excited he was about "Mudder's Day" and not be upset when he buys me worthless stuff that doesn't fit, is not my style or is a dust collector and maybe...just maybe...I will have raised two thoughtful daughters who learn the concept of unconditional love and want to show their love to me using my favorite love language (gifts)!! 

In the meantime, I am looking forward to the Single Mom's most favorite holiday --- Father's Day - a day when some of us get to sleep late, relax and not have to deal with the  crying and whining, yelling and screaming, stomping and slamming, sometimes ungrateful preschool  and teenage attitudes...but then again, on that day, my mind will again be on Curt and how sad his daughter will be not to have him here and how his ex-wife isn't afforded the break of Father's Day, and again...the what-if questions will consume my thoughts. 

Oh yeah...and it wasn't all bad.  When I got home early evening, my mom and dad and stopped by and picked up the pink plastic Adirondack chair I wanted for Mother's Day and it was sitting in my front yard, under the tree, waiting for sunny warm days when I can sit outside and read as Edison swings in the tree swing.  They told me the girls gave them the money for it.  I hope they are right.  And, Kensley and I had some picture fun as we sat in the car waiting for Edison to get a little bit more of a nap in before we disturbed him and went inside the house....I hope you enjoy!

Kensley:  Hi, I'm Tinaaaaaaa.  Dana:  (singing into the microphone)

Kensley informed me I don't do the heart correctly...

We work out!

I missed the cue...

Kensley, Dana, Emily & Edison :-)
I LOVE these kids!

In an instant...

On Friday, April 20, 2012, I was sitting at Subway Restaurant with my boyfriend, Curt and his daughter, Gabby, when I received a text message from my sister, Lea Ann, with pictures attached of minor burns to her face, neck and arms.  She had been outside with her husband, Fred and they were burning some debris.  Little did they know, an aerosol can was in some of the trash they were burning and exploded.  The injuries to my sister could have been much worse.  I left Subway and went to Lea Ann's house to help "doctor" her wounds.  Curt and Gabby went home and I told them I would catch up with them later, changing the plans we had made together.  I made the statement later, to Curt and on Facebook, that it's amazing how quickly life can change from one minute to the next.

Five days later, I was on the receiving end of the "how quickly life can change" scenario when I received a phone call from a friend giving me the most shocking and devastating news I think I have ever received...

Wednesday, April 25th began as any other day, except I was up, bright and early, and already had my hair and makeup done before I took Edison to school.  My usual routine is to take my son to school at 7:40 and come back home to apply makeup, straighten, tease and spray my hair and then leave the house for work at 8:20 a.m.  As soon as I pulled out of my drive, I would call Curt and we would chat for 10-20 minutes, talking about our morning, discussing what we were doing at work that day and trying to figure out a way to see each other that night :-)  That morning, I dropped Edison off early for school and called Curt at 7:40.  I'm not sure why that sticks in my mind...but I clearly remember seeing the time when I placed the call.  I have no recollection of what we discussed that morning and I'm hoping that will come to me at some point.  I know we had tried to talk the night before and when he called I was already in bed.  I get terrible phone reception in my house and worse from my bedroom.  He kept telling me I needed to go to another part of the house.  It was chilly in my house and I told him I was warm and wasn't getting up.  We got cut off once and I called him back from where I was laying.  We got cut off again so I sat up in my bed and waited for him to call me back.  We got cut off again and I moved to the foot of my bed and called him back.   I looked at my phone and had two bars and as soon as he said "Hello!" we were immediately cut off.  I sent a text that said "I give up!  I have 2 bars and I don't know what the problem is."  We had been discussing moving my daughter, Kensley's horse, to his farm and I ran across a picture of her on her horse and texted it to him.  His response was "Good night sweetie pie".  Little did I know that would be the last text I would ever receive from him.  I replied "Your so silly.  Goodnight honey bunch - bwahahaha".  It had become a game for us to come up with a different pet name for each other every time we talked after a post I made on Facebook about how silly I thought the term "boyfriend" was at age 41.  He chimed into the conversation that he preferred "Loverboy".  I'm sure our Wednesday morning conversation included him giving me a hard time about being too lazy to get out of the bed to talk to him...how I wish we would have had one more late night conversation on Tuesday night or that I could remember our long conversation on Wednesday morning.

We talked at lunchtime everyday.  Either he would call me or I would call him.  On Wednesday, I made the call to him at 12:30 p.m. and the call lasted 4 minutes.  Our conversation was funny and serious and private concerning an inside joke, but I had gotten just a little bit jealous about something and questioned him and when he clarified, I started laughing and said "oh good!  because my dorsal fin was up!"  He cracked up laughing and said "Get your dorsal fin back down, Baby!"  I will never forget that as long as I live.  He told me he needed to go, that he was pulling into Burger House to get his lunch.  He said, "I'll talk to ya later and we'll figure out what we're doing tonight."  I sent him a text at 3:46 that afternoon that said "What are you doing tonight?" because I had planned to cook supper for him.  It was around that time that his body was discovered, still sitting in his truck at Burger House, but I didn't know this.  I received a call from my friend, Missy at 4:05 telling me that his truck had been in the parking lot all day and they had found him, unresponsive.  I immediately knew...but refused to believe!

I barely remember driving home from Lexington.  I remember making phone calls.  I called to get his Dad's number and tried to call him.  I called a friend to get the number to Curt's friend, Steve (I already had Steve's number and forgot it was in my phone).  I called Steve and said "Go to Burger House, see if it's Curt and tell me where they are taking him!"  I tried to find my mother and in the process talked to my dad and my grandmother before Mom finally called me back.  In the meantime, my family and friends were learning the devastating news that no one had the heart to tell me, nor did they dare tell me while I was driving home alone.

When Missy originally called to tell me Curt's truck had been in the parking lot all afternoon...before she told me that he was still in there...my heart sank and my very first thought was "that idiot is cheating on me!"  That's where my mind automatically goes, proving I may always struggle with trust.  As soon as my mind wandered there it was jerked back when she told me he had been in the truck all day, with it running, and someone had finally decided to check on him and found him unresponsive.  I immediately left the office to head home.  A million thoughts crossed my mind as I rushed home that day.  My initial fear was that he was dead...then I started thinking maybe his heart is beating and he's just not breathing...but then I thought, he will have brain damage...he wouldn't want to live that way...I recalled a conversation we had had about brain damage and being paralyzed and he told me he wouldn't want to live that way...I was wondering which hospital they were taking him to and then wondering if I would have to turn around and drive right back to Lexington if his condition was critical...and I was wondering why nobody was calling me back...and then I was wondering how I was going to take care of him in the hospital and who would help with my kids that weekend and how much time I could take off work...and then I remembered my daughters had 8th grade soccer night and senior prom in a few days...and I was wondering why nobody was calling me back...and I knew he had been sitting there for about 3 hours and that couldn't be good and I was concerned that if he was going to be in the hospital for awhile and if he had had a heart attack or needed some kind of surgery or even while he recovered from whatever was going on that he would be stressed out while he couldn't work and start worrying about money...and I was wondering why nobody was telling me which hospital they had taken him to...but deep down...I already knew. 

My mom called and told me to stop by my house and she would drive me.  I told her I was not pulling off 27, that I was not stopping til I got to him.  She called again and said "I'll be at Carolyn's.  Stop there.  I'll have the car running and all you have to do is park and get in."  I agreed to that.  At some point last week, I sat down and put all of this together.  I remember thinking it was weird that my dad was with my mom.  I also noticed a look on Carolyn's face when I got out of my car that gave it away.  I was in denial.  It took me 45 minutes to get from work and everyone knew by the time I got into Garrard County.  My friend, Missy, who had given me the first phone call was trying to get to me at Carolyn's house so she could tell me or at least be with me when I was told.  She called to see where I was and we had already pulled out to head to Burger House.  Neither my mom or dad had said anything and I was desperate for information but too afraid to ask questions because I didn't want to hear the answer.  I think I called Missy because I knew her daughter was out at Burger House.  Missy kept asking me where I was and if I was with anybody and finally I think I half way yelled at her and said "Yes!  I'm riding with my mom and dad and we are going to town and we just passed BP!" and she told me what I feared the most...that the coroner was at Burger House...and I already knew...and I hate most of all that she was the one who had to tell me...but someone had to.  Last week, after the funeral, when I had time to sit down and think about that Wednesday, I put lots of pieces together and made phone calls to fill in what I didn't know as to how everyone found out.  It was then that I realized my mom and dad knew when I got in the car, I asked her if she knew and she told me that they did, and she told me how they found out, and said she was going to tell me when we got closer to town but I picked up the phone and called Missy before she was ready.  I think my mom was relieved that she didn't have to tell me. 

I have a horrible cry that I have cried 4 times in my life.  My mom and dad have been present for three of those awful wailing moans - not associated with any physical pain but rather a deep heart wrenching emotional pain.  A parent should not see their child experience any pain - I know I never want to see either of my three children cry out the way it escapes me.  At the same time I am blessed that my parents have always been there for me...even if it's not fair to them. 

Grief is grief...it doesn't matter what or who you lose.  Everyone experiences grief and deals with grief differently.  The one thing that made me initally angry was the fact that I had felt some of the same feelings before.  I don't want ANY of my feelings about Curt and his death to be interchanged with my feelings about Wasband and our divorce...but unfortunately...that deep gut-wrenching emotional pain I felt when I heard that Curt was dead was the same feeling I had when I first learned my marriage was ending.  The only condolence from that is that I know I'll eventually move on with life and accept my new norm...whether I like it or not. 

I could keep writing and writing today...mostly I needed to write from 12:30 to 12:34 and get past 1:00 knowing that just two weeks ago, he was here on this earth...alive and laughing and talking and joking and working and eating...and in an instant...he was gone...and my life changed forever!

This was the last picture taken of Curt...he took it himself on April 18th with his brand new iPhone 4gS and sent it to me with a text that said "That's me on my reverse camera".  I told him that I knew that was him and that he looked mean and scary.  He was so proud of that phone and his camo/and orange OtterBox...he called me the minute he bought it and asked if I had the "4gS" and I said "No!!!  I have the 4g...do you have Siri????" and he was so excited to have some technology that was better than mine.  So I asked, "okay...how many gigs?" and he told me 16 and I told him mine had 32 and he said "it doesn't matter because I have Siri and you don't and you're jealous!"  He sent a text message a few minutes later that said "Don't be hate me" and another that said "I have finally got something that everybody else in the world hasn't got yet." 

And that doesn't really matter now...he couldn't take it with him...because...in an instant...he left everyone and everything behind.

Curtis Wayne Davis 1978 - 2012

I don't even know how to start this post or how to introduce what follows...this is Curt's eulogy that I gave at his funeral.  I think this is absolutely the most mentally challenging piece I have ever written and the most heartbreaking was to read it aloud.  The number of people who came to Curt's visitation was astonishing...he would have loved it and would have been bragging for sure!  So many of you could not attend his funeral and you, like me, continue to grieve, so for those of you who couldn't be there and who wanted to hear what was said...here it is.  (sorry it's lengthy...but
  

Curtis…I’m mad that I even have to stand here to do this but at the same time, I’m blessed to be given the opportunity. That’s not Curt laying there…Curt was too full of life! That’s not the Curt I want to remember and that’s why I’m standing here.



I listened to a song this morning by Jamey Johnson called “Lead Me Home” and this verse caught my attention… All my burdens, are behind me, I have prayed, my final pray, Don't you cry, over my body, Cause that ain't me, lying there.


I have so many stories from the short time I knew him, and those of you who knew him best know that the majority of them cannot be told in front of a preacher or his mother!


Terri – I know I’m a stranger to you and it makes me angry that we never got a chance to be introduced by Curt. I don’t know if you remember it, but we were supposed to meet on Saturday at Gabby’s softball game. Unfortunately we had to meet out at Burger House on Wednesday. The last time I actually saw Curt was Monday night. He asked me to come down for a little while to see him and Gabby. While I was there, he had Gab call you to sing Happy Birthday and then he got on the phone. He wished you a Happy Birthday and he told you about Gab’s first softball game and he asked, “How old are you Mom – 56? You were just 15 years old when Dana was born.” and then he laughed that big ol’ laugh like he always did. He loved teasing me about being 7 years older than him. I heard him tell you that you would get to meet me and you had told him that you had seen pictures and I was a pretty girl. He said “yes, she is pretty, yes, she does have beautiful hair and very pretty teeth” I’ve read before that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he talks to his mother when he thinks no one is listening. I’ve overheard several conversations between you and him and he was always so sweet. He ended every single phone call with “Okay, I love ya Mom! Bye-bye.” I mentioned to my own mother how sweet he always was when he talked to you and told her that was one of the things that made me realize that I was falling for him. I told him one day that I liked to hear him talk to you and he said “My mom worked her ass off to make sure we had a nice home and that I had everything I needed growing up. And I put her through hell in my early 20s and I plan to do all I can to make up for that.” He was so proud of you and bragged about your hard work ethic and the fact that you had owned your own home and he realized that everything you sacrificed and all the hard years you put in was all for him. You obviously did a fine job raising him into the man that he became. Curtis Wayne Davis loved you – that was obvious. Thank you for letting me do this today because I wanted to let you know and all his friends and family know what Curt meant to me and what he had shared about each of you. He loved you.


Jerry and Wayne - Curt told most people he had two dad’s. He acknowledged Wayne as his biological father and he called Jerry, “Dad”. I remember asking him one time if you all were related? And he said “Nope…two different sets of Davises” and I said “that’s weird” and being funny Curt, he said “Yep…I guess my mom had a thing for Davises!”


Wayne…Curt told me that you were his biological father the first time we talked about our families with one another. He told me you all had had your differences…but he acknowledged you. When I saw you I realized he was built just like you and I’ve had people who knew the both of you tell me you were a lot alike --- a little bull-headed and very strong-willed. I know that you are hurting and you are feeling the regrets and I’m sorry that things were left unsaid between the two of you. Someone asked me once if Curt had told me he had two dads and I said yes and he said “well…I know both of ‘em and Curt’s got enough of Wayne in him to make him dangerous and enough of Jerry in him to keep him calm.” When I told you this the other day, you laughed and said it was the truth so I hope you don’t mind that I shared that. Curt had told me that you had rodeod some, that you were a truck driver, that you liked to ride horses and that you had wrestled a bear in Brodhead one time and as far as I know, Curt did everything you did except wrestle a bear!


Jerry – I have not met one person who didn’t have anything but nice things to say about you. Curt absolutely adored you and you spoiled him rotten until the day he died. Jerry cleaned Curt’s house…he did his laundry…he cooked his dinner…he washed his dishes…he helped take care of Gabby. I told Curt on more than one occasion that I needed a Jerry Davis!!! Curt respected you and he appreciated every single thing you did for him. Although you lived next door and I had spent lots of time at Curt’s house we never really met other than in passing. I so appreciated you taking me into the building the other day to show me Curt’s rodeo stuff and I’m hoping you’ll let me come back down sometime so we can look in that bag to see if his rodeo clown outfit is in there and I would love to see the video you have of his first rodeo. I love hearing stories about Curt Davis and you have more than anybody. Curt knew that you helped shape the man he became, he respected you and he loved you.


Lora – Curt and I sat in my backyard a month ago and we talked about our previous marriages and what went wrong. He said, “when I asked Lora to marry me…I loved her more than anything in this world.” He said you all were young…you had to grow up, get real jobs and with him working 1st shift, you working 2nd and you all tag teaming taking care of Gabby that you just grew apart. He said “we split up time and time again but we kept getting back together because that’s what we both wanted for Gabby but we brought out the worst in each other when we were married and neither one of us were happy.” The way you all came together after your divorce and put your personal feelings aside to parent Gabby was nothing short of amazing, something I desperately wished I had with the father of my children. I know it’s scary to think that it all falls on you now and I can’t imagine how that feels but you have a big support system, including me, to help with her. I have a little bit of experience as the mom of my two girls and they are 18 and 14 – so I’ve been there and done that --- twice. I thank you for allowing me to be a part of this, for letting me see Gabby and I consider you my friend.


Ina – Curt and I had been talking since the beginning of October and on Thanksgiving Day, I sent him a text inviting him to eat with my family. I never got a response. He called me later that afternoon to tell me that he had eaten Thanksgiving dinner at your house. He told me on more than one occasion that you had told him that he would always be your son-in-law and he liked that. He thought the world of you.


Bill Davis!!! Gabrielle William Renee’ Davis. I love you sweet girl. How many times have I heard your daddy say “Bill Davis? Do you know how much I love you?” and what would you say? Oh my gosh…he loved you to infinity 1 million times and he was so so so proud of you!! I got on him sometimes because I thought he was a little hard on you and he would say “she’s just like me and I’ve got to stay on her, Dana, to make sure she doesn’t turn out like me” and recently, almost everyday, he would say “I’m afraid Gab is gonna grow up hating me because I am so hard on her and because I’m not always around because I work too hard” I told him that little girls don’t hate their daddy’s for making them mind, that makes them love them even more. I thought your Dad was the greatest. Your dad will want you to make good grades, he will want you to pick up after yourself and keep your room clean, throw away your Dr. Pepper cans when you get finished with them, he will want you to always do your homework and study those spelling words. He wants you to learn right from wrong. I’m pretty sure that since you and I met that we have watched the movie “Pure Country 2” at least three times with your Dad. That was your alls movie and I know you can recite the rules from the movie: (1) Never Lie (2) Always Be Fair and (3) Never Break a Promise. If you can live by those rules, you will make Curt Davis proud!! You are always welcome in my home Bill Davis. I want to be a part of your life as long as you will let me be. I love you baby girl.


I have to mention Curt’s dogs. He had 5 but three of them were special. Ol’ Blue is a blue heeler that’s 15 years old and showing his age. The two he was crazy about lived in the house. Sarah is a little black dog…I can’t remember her breed…but everytime Curt would get home he would see Sarah and start saying “Sarah!!! Your so little little little little little little…and then Sarah would start howling until he would finally say, “Oh Sarah, I’m just playing…your big, your big!!” and that was the only way she would stop howling. The first time I took my three kids to Curt’s house, Curt was outside and Sarah was tied up. My daughter Emily said, “you mean to tell me that a guy that big with a truck that big has a little bitty dog like that?” He loved Sarah and I didn’t and it caused some tension sometimes. But then along came sweet Mason. Mason was Curt’s Australian shepherd that he got back in the winter. Mason went everywhere with Curt. Sometimes he called him Masonary, Masonite, most of the time Mason Headley. Mason is with me now and I call him Mason Curtis. Curt worked with Mason all the time to teach him tricks. Mason can sit, he will go all the way down, he knows how to take food gently from your hand as long as you remind him and Curt was teaching him “leave it”. Curt had already taught him to leave his lunch alone until he told him he could have it. He told me that he would always give Mason the last of his lunch and had been laying it on the console and had trained Mason not to take it until he told him he could have it. I want you all to know that Mason was in the truck with Curt the day he died. He had ordered a double cheeseburger, two orders of fries and a Diet Cherry Pepsi. Curt had only eaten half of his hamburger when he died and Mason sat in that truck with him for almost three hours and never bothered that sandwich or the fries. Poor Mason has grieved and he has been the biggest comforter to me… and Jerry, I appreciate you asking me if I wanted him because I needed him and I wouldn’t want him anywhere else.

Curt and I would laugh when we were at his house with my three kids, Emily Kensley and Edison and his three kids, Gabby, Mason and Sarah. When things got crazy with all 8 of us in his little house I would say “Oh my gosh Curt, we are like the Brady Bunch! We need an Alice!” or maybe we needed a Jerry – I don’t know.


Curt loved my kids and my kids adored him. He was always giving my 18 year old daughter, Emily, plenty of advice and we will definitely miss the free mechanic work on her car. Emily, he was worried that you were going to make bad choices in life and he intended to make sure you didn’t. He also was hoping you would aspire to be more in life than a housewife! Kensley, the day you climbed up on his horse, Silver, and he saw your smile, made him so happy. When you rode off on the trail he turned and looked at me and said “I have never seen her smile so big…she is a beautiful girl!” and that’s when he decided that if a horse made you that happy that he wanted you to bring As-U-May to his farm so you could ride her anytime you wanted. I’m sorry that’s not gonna happen. And you all, Curt Davis adored my little boy Edison. He lectured me all the time about how if I didn’t stop coddling him and babying him all the time he was gonna grow up to be a sissy boy. Curt made me realize that I do need to parent Edison a little bit differently…that I have to be both the mom and the dad for him. Curt…you promised me Sunday night…that you were gonna help me with him and that even if we didn’t work out…that you loved Edison and would be a part of his life as long as I would let you. You wanted to be his Jerry Davis! I’m gonna do my best to make sure he’s not a “sissy boy!”


We had a lot of fun when we were all together. We went to the Louisville zoo over spring break and the line to pay to get in was crazy long. Curt, being the impatient man he is, got out of line and went to the membership desk. A few minutes later my phone rang and he said, “bring the kids over here. The zoo thinks we’re engaged and we can get in on a family membership.” We got our cards in the mail the other day and I have mine in my purse. It says “Curt Davis and Dana Wood + four kids”. I’m sorry you didn’t get to spend all the time you wanted in the gorilla house…I’m not really sure I want to go back without you…


Since Curt died, I have tried to remember every single conversation that we had and when I think of some of them, I think he knew he wasn’t going to be around much longer.


As funny and crazy as he was and how he always seemed to be joking and I’m going to share some of those stories in a minute, Curt had a serious side too. He was sensible and he was so smart. He told me once that he graduated from Garrard County High School with a 3.75 GPA – who would have thought that? If Curt was working on a piece of equipment that he couldn’t figure out he would work it over and over in his head…even at night…til he knew what he needed to do to fix it. He was a hard worker – he worked too hard and he was a saver. Just last week he finally broke down and spent some of that money of his and bought a brand new pair of boots. He had picked them up on Monday from Town and Country and he was so proud of his brand new iPhone 4gS. I wanted to share with you all a few conversations we recently had that were serious that looking back now, I think were meant for me to share with you all.


He told me and I’ve talked to other people who have said he said the same to them that he knew he wasn’t going to live to be an old man. He told us he never thought he would live to see 28 and he did and then thought he would never make it to 30 and he did. I would tease him and say I was never making any commitment to a man under 40 because men lose their minds when they turn 40. He said “Dana, I’ll never make it to 40.” Every time he would say it, I would tell him to hush because I didn’t want to hear it. Now…I think he knew he wasn’t well and was trying to prepare me. He would always say, “you can’t be as hard on a body as I’ve been on this one and expect it to last forever”.

Curt also recently told me that he had done everything that he had set out to do and couldn’t think of anything else he wanted to do in his life. I asked “like what?” and he said, “I wanted to ride horses out west and I went to Wyoming two years in a row and did that, I wanted to be a bull rider and I did that, I wanted to be a truck driver, did that and I wanted to be a disesel mechanic and that’s what I’m doing now. He was proud of his accomplishments. I remember at the time thinking that conversation was a little weird but now I know it had a purpose!

Just one more time, I would like to hear Curt Davis say “I HEARD THAT!” “really?” Niiiiiiiiiiiice!”. I’d like to call him and hear him answer the phone and say “What choo doin? Especially, I’d like to hear him say “Goodnight Miss Dana” and I want one more hug with those huge biceps wrapped around me and I want to look into those beautiful blue eyes and let him know how much that I loved him.


I met Curt a year ago on May 3rd and we talked but I told him I wasn’t comfortable seeing him until his divorce was final. We talked, texted and commented on each other’s facebook from time to time but didn’t start dating until October. We shared my 41st birthday together and he absolutely loved the fact that I was 8 years older than him for about a month. He called me his “cougar”. I went to China in February with my job and got so sick. He was so worried about me. We Skyped while I was over there and he was ready to get on a plane to come and get me – he said he didn’t need a passport. I think it was then that I truly realized that Curt Davis was crazy about me and I was falling in love with him. He was so sick one weekend with a stomach virus and I took care of him at my house. He was the best patient and I found out later that he bragged to others about what good care I had taken of him. We had plans to go to the beach this summer and he knew I couldn’t afford to go without his help. Every week he would say “how much did you save out of this check for vacation?” but I found out he had told a friend “I’m making Dana sweat over saving money for vacation but I’ve got it covered – she’s not gonna have to worry about a thing.” We had so many plans…birthdays to celebrate, weddings to attend, graduations coming up and we had talked about all of them. It’s gonna be hard to do everything without him.


I’m gonna tell two more stories on Curt. I have so many and I know all of you do too. I called him every day at lunch. As a matter of fact I talked to him from 12:30 to 12:34 on Wednesday. He said “I’m pulling up here at Burger House…I’ll talk to ya later” and he paid for his food at 12:38. That was the last time I talked to him. I called him at lunchtime one day in April and he answered the phone and said “What choo doing?” and I said “Nothing…what choo doing?” and he said “sitting here talking to John Michael Montgomery…here you want to talk to him?” The next thing I knew I was having a conversation with John Michael. John Michael and I hung up and I didn’t get to talk to Curt so I sent a message back that said “It was nice talking to country music legend JMM, but I called to talk to you Babe”. He called me right back. He has bragged to everyone that he got to work on John Michael’s bull dozer and excavator. I never knew what I would read or see when I got a text message from Curt but one day, I spit my drink out when I opened it and read “I’m taking a shit on John Michael Montgomery’s toilet”. Typical Curt…always giving too much information!!!

I’m going to read a letter that my Mom wrote to Curt to give you all an idea of how others saw what he did for me in my life.


Dear Curt Davis, I did not know you that well - only being in your presence four or five times, but it was enough for me to see how you looked at her and to see you were falling in love with my daughter. You brought a ray of sunshine where there had been storm clouds, for much too long. I saw laughter again where there had been rain. The sparkle was back in her big brown eyes that had disappeared and her beautiful smile was back. You brought our Dana’s sweet spirit back to life. Your happiness together was much too short but it came at just the right time. It truly was a gift from God through you. You will remain forever in my heart because of how wonderful you were to Dana. Thank you for that. Rest in peace. Love, Shirley


And finally, I leave you with this… one of my best friends who lost her husband several years ago said this was shared with her and it helped her get through some rough days.


The day after I buried my loved one I understood for the first time why so many people choose to medicate their pain in so many harmful ways. That day I tried to sleep it away. And in the days that followed, I discovered that I could not eat it away, drink it away, or travel it away." "I just had to feel it. And it hurt. Physically." "I realized I had a choice-I could try to stuff the hurt away in a closet, pretend it wasn't there, and wish it would disappear, or I could bring it out into the open, expose it to the Light, prove it, accept it, and allow it to heal. I chose to face it head-on, trudge throught it, feel its full weight, and do my best to confront my feelings of loss and hopelessness with the truth of God's Word at every turn...That's what Job did." "The world tells us to run from suffering, to avoid it at all costs, to cry out to heaven to take it away. Few of us would choose to suffer, yet when we know that God has allowed suffering into our lives for a purpose, we can embrace it instead of running from it, and we can seek God in the midst of suffering."

Rest in peace, Curtis…I miss you. They say I’ll be okay, but I’m not going to ever get over you.

Sometimes...

For those of you who follow my blog, you know that I am not one to shy away from expressing my feelings.  I admit that I hold back somewhat because I never really know who is reading.  I also feel confident that none of you truly care about my feelings, or if you did, you are tired of listening by now.  Sometimes, the pain that I feel is so overwhelming I want to scream!  The biggest feeling I struggle with now and I have struggled with for some time is that of being lonely and the fear that I will leave this life lonely.  Unless you have truly experienced the loss of a spouse, either through a divorce that you did not want or through death, I don't think you can understand what I feel, nor do I want to feel it.

I can share with you this...I HATE it when people say...

• "God has a plan"  
• "The right guy will come along when you least expect him" 
• "Quit looking and love will happen"
• "You can never be lonely if you have God in your life"
• "Be patient"
• "You're looking in all the wrong places"

Trust me, you don't want to hear what goes through my mind when I hear one of these statements.  My response is usually "I know...you're right...someone's out there..." [with a big smile on my face while fighting back tears] and the truth is...maybe he is and maybe he isn't.  Maybe God's plan is that there is no right guy, that he will never come along, that whether I quit looking or not it may never happen, that I can have God in my life but still crave the companionship of a mate, that patience has absolutely nothing to do with it and if I looked in the "right places" I'm still never going to have this void filled.  There!!!  That's what I really feel.

Let me try to explain two of the loneliest experiences I have had since my divorce...

Scenario #1.  The loneliness of having surgery and being dropped off at home afterwards to an empty house with no one to do anything for you.  Now...I must admit that the outpatient clinics said that I was not to be left alone but that I begged my mother to do just that.  While I was in surgery the first time, my Dad broke his foot.  When my mom stopped at Wal-Mart to fill my prescription, she told me that my Dad was in the ER in another city.  Of course, she had to go be with him.  That's what spouses do and I wanted my mom to be with my dad, that's where she is supposed to be!  She dropped me off at my aunt's house and I went to her guest bedroom and cried myself back to sleep to sleep off the anesthesia.  My aunt took perfect care of me but that's not who I wanted...simple as that!  The second surgery, all I wanted to do was go inside my empty little house and cry again, mostly because the person who had relieved my mother from these duties 20 years earlier was no longer there. My mom is a nurse, she would have been a wonderful caretaker, but the point is she is not the person that should be taking care of me at this point in my life!

Scenario #2.  The loneliness of waking up on Christmas morning and your children, one who still believes in Santa Clause, are not there.  Christmas morning...a day when you feel like everyone else in the world is waking up to wonder and excitement and you don't even want to wake up, let alone get out of bed.  Thankfully that feeling only comes every other year and yes...this is the year.  I try to pass it off as "Oh, I'll save money...I don't have to buy extra gifts from Santa..." but that is bull crap!!!  No mother who celebrates Christmas wants to wake up on Christmas morning to quiet, empty, loneliness.  Yes, I know it's a "season" but December 25th is Christmas morning...that's when parents celebrate the santa/gift part of the holiday with their children! 

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for my family and friends because they are truly wonderful.  After both surgeries, my mother knew that I was struggling with some difficult feelings and when I say I begged her to leave me alone, it doesn't mean that she didn't call to check on me or send others by the house to keep me company.  The last Christmas when I was without children, I had some friends bring gifts by the house so I would have something to open on Christmas morning.  My sister invited me to her house for breakfast with her family and they too, had gifts and made me feel very special.  I am thankful that people try to fill the void in my life.  I am blessed to be a Believer and to have great friends and wonderful family.

My point is that sometimes...the loneliness cannot be filled by others and I don't know how to "fix" that.

iLove my iPhone and my kids too!

Has it been 4 months since I last posted?  Indeed it has...

The past few days have been difficult for me and I don't really know why.  I think I'm depressed that Steve Jobs died.  Is that possible?  I never met him but his ideas intrigue me and he was obviously an incredible man!!  He's been likened to the Thomas Edison or Henry Ford of our generation.  No doubt he has earned a page in the history books with his innovative and creative technological breakthroughs. 

Apple = iTunes, iPod, iPad, iPhone

My favorite gadget of all time...the iPhone

• The device I feel I cannot live without. 
• My link to friends and family.  
• My source of world, national, state and local news. 
• My sense of direction and GPS. 
• My alarm clock.
• My check register.
• My newspaper.
• My entertainment. 
• I can Google, surf the internet, check my Facebook and message people.
• I can look up words in a dictionary and find out how to pronounce them.
• I can practice my Spanish and learn new words.
• I can order a pizza from Papa Johns.
• I can determine which shade of OPI nail color I need.
• I take photos and edit them.
• I take videos and splice them.
• I watch movies and listen to Podcasts.
• I check my e-mail.
• I maintain 1030 songs which would be approximately 85 CDs.
• I always have the Holy Bible with me.
• I always have a flashlight, phone and iPod handy.
• This device helps me determine how I should dress myself and my son depending on the weather.
• It's the object of whose whereabouts I know more than my own son always know. 
• The piece of equipment I carry with me from room to room
• "my precious"
• MY iPHONE

Steve Jobs' dream became my reality and for that I am greatful.  I found out yesterday that Steve Jobs was adopted.  In 1955, his birthmother made an adoption plan.  Mr. and Mrs. Jobs gave him opportunities he may not have had if he had remained with his birth family.  As a matter of fact, his birthmother could have chosen abortion and if that had been the case, we would have never been introduced to Apple products, a Mac computer or the handy little touch screen gadgets so many of us are now accustomed.  While thanks should be given to his adoptive family for giving him the opportunity to be creative, many thanks goes to his birth family for giving him the opportunity to BE! 

All three of my children have iPod Touches and my daughters' each beg for an iPhone.  Myself?  I would really like to have an iPad for Christmas. 

And now for an update on the MOST important things in my life...my kids...

We recently celebrated Emily's 18th birthday.  That.  is.  crazy.  It seems not long ago Wasband and I had chosen two names.  Austin Cade for a boy and Emily Ann-Katherine for a girl.  We had decorated a precious nursery in mint green with a Hey Diddle Diddle theme.  I admit I was not that thrilled the Saturday she was born when I was told SHE was a girl.  I don't know why...for some reason I had convinced myself she was a boy.  It didn't take long at all for me to fall in love with my beautiful baby girl - the first to call me "Mama".  She has always been a very pretty child with gorgeous auburn hair, big brown eyes and a beautiful smile.  Anyone who spent much time at all with us quickly learned that Emily was born with an attitude.  If you can recall her fiery spirit at 8 days, 8 months or 8 years...try 18 years!  She's still as headstrong as ever and I love her more everyday as she is maturing into a young lady I am very proud of.  My dream for Emily is that she not get so hung up on being 18 that she misses out on the freedom of being dependent on her family.  Life Happens before you know it and you wonder where all the time went.

Kensley is playing soccer for two teams.  She plays on the local recreation league with what will be her Middle School team in the spring and had the opportunity to play on the high school JV soccer team as an 8th grader this fall.  In my opinion, she has awesome abilities as I've watched her develop into a more aggressive and competitive player!  She absolutely loves the sport and I enjoy watching her play although 7 days a week of soccer is wearing this soccer mom OUT!!!  Kensley is doing well in school and just tonight one of her teachers approached me at the football game to tell me how much he truly enjoyed having her in class.  He talked about how smart she is, how sweet and kind and how he enjoys her sense of humor.  That's my Kensley!!!  Of course I think she is beautiful too.  Her big brown eyes are full of life and she has a gorgeous smile that deserves to be on a toothpaste commercial.  She makes the funniest faces, can quickly change the lyrics to any song she's singing, loves music, and can quote movies galore.  Along with Kensley's love of music comes her enjoyment of dancing.  I continue to encourage her to dance as if no one is watching...even if they are...because she is really good!

Edison is in preschool this year and is crazy about his teacher, Mrs. Adams.  He's also playing soccer and scored three "golds" at one game and two at another.  He was so proud of himself and of course, this soccer mom is his biggest fan!  His attention span on the soccer field is very short and quite frequently you will hear the coach say, "Edison, pay attention!"  "Edison, watch the ball!"  "Hey Edison, go go go!" or my personal favorite... "Where's Edison?" (because he's on the sideline talking to me or getting a drink).  He keeps all of us laughing with the funny things he says and continues to insist that we answer all of his "why" questions.  For the most part, he keeps me smiling, it's the whining I can do without.  He is smart, super cute and rotten to the core!  Another soccer mom asked me the other day..."how do you discipline him? he is so cute I don't think I could if he was mine!"  Of course, right at that time, he was running around the soccer field laughing and my goodness, when he laughs, he has the sweetest smile and  little dimple on his left cheek that would melt the Grinch's heart!  It's not always easy, but I try my best.  After disciplining him for something the other day he said "Mom, you are mean!" and he kept saying over and over in the back seat "You are a mean mom!".  I quietly responded by saying, "When you say that I'm mean...that means I'm doing my job!"  He looked at me and then he hushed and a few minutes later said "You are my best mommy."  Yes, my heart melted all over again for the love I have for that boy!