Grief...and Curt's stuff

I've read a lot about grief recently.  Just trying to identify the stages that I'm going through and making sure they are normal.  I had classes on death, dying and grief with my Family Studies degree so I've pulled out the old college books and read those too.  Turns out, I am normal and the most frustrating thing about grief is that you will go through a stage and then go on to another (because a person does not experience them in any certain order) and then you may go back and revisit the same stage again.  It's tiresome and at the beginning you wonder if you will ever get to a point where you won't be consumed by it.  Everyone says time will heal...I don't think you ever truly heal, you just learn to play with the hand you've been dealt.   

Since Curt has died I have had the most nervous stomach.  I couldn't eat for over two weeks and lived off of Mocha Fraps from McDonald's.  It was the only thing that even sounded good.  I've drank so many, they sound disgusting now.  By drinking them, I certainly didn't deny myself calories but I did deny myself nutrients.  Even now, I'm not eating normally and pretty much have one meal a day.  I wouldn't recommend it as a weight loss plan, but it's working as one. 

I can't turn my mind off at night to even go to sleep and then I wake up at 5:00 in the morning feeling like I'm going to have to sing the lead role in a school play.  I've laughed, I've cried, I've screamed, I've gotten mad, I've had panic attacks and I'm working extremely hard not to go into a depression.  Just as with the divorce, I am doing it medication free.  FEEL THE PAIN - EXPERIENCE THE HURT - LIVE THROUGH IT, REMEMBER IT ALL!  Is it easy?  NO!  Someone told me the other day, "Just remember, Dana, that which doesn't kill you will make you stronger."  My reply was "I should have biceps the size of Curt Davis right now!" 

Right now, I'm dealing with Curt's stuff at my house.  There wasn't much but at the same time there is so much to remind me of his past presence here.  

For example: Tonight, I finally fixed the spaghetti I was going to fix for him the night he died.  For whatever reason, he loved my spaghetti and it was a regular request of his.  A week before his death, he had purchased a new bag of ice.  He gave me a hard time because he had seen all the ice trays stacked in my cabinet and couldn't figure out why I would fill them up.  I told him it was easier to grab a bag of ice from the Dollar Store.  Call me crazy, but I don't want to use all the ice from the bag that he had bought.  Curt loved Fruit Loops and Fruity Pebbles and didn't eat them with milk.  He didn't like milk so he ate them with Welch's Apple Pineapple Orange Juice blend.  We had 1/2 gallon left in the gallon jug he had bought and I've finally allowed Edison to start drinking it again. I have a box of Fruit Loops.  Edison asked the other day if he could eat Curt's Fruit Loops.  He likes to eat them with juice now too, instead of milk (Thanks for that Curtis!)

Under my counter is a huge bottle of Bacardi Arctic Grape Rum.  Curt liked to mix his rum with Diet Ale-8 (for you out-of-state blog readers...Ale-8-1 is a Kentucky soft drink manufactured in Winchester, KY).  One must acquire the taste of Ale-8, it's kind of like a ginger ale - but better - and it is reported that they have large amounts of caffeine. I'm a huge Diet Ale-8 fan but am convinced my large consumption gave me kidney stones a couple of years back so I don't drink as many as I did in the past.  Curt would give me a hard time and say, "For a girl who don't drink Ale-8 because she's scared of kidney stones, I sure seem to buy a lot that I don't remember drinking!"  I would blame it on the rum - LOL. 

When we first started dating, Curt introduced me to Strawberry Rum.  I'm not a big drinker but I do enjoy a mixed drink or a glass of wine from time to time.  Before I met him, my mixed drink of choice was "Sex on the Beach".  When he started mixing strawberry rum and diet ale-8, I liked it and actually named the drink "Sex on the Creek".  He said I must mean something to him since I let him name his drink!  Soon afterwards, he discovered Arctic Grape Rum and while I preferred to mix the grape with Diet Pepsi, he liked either one.  He could mix mine perfectly and we mixed ours completely opposite.  Mine had the same amount of rum as his had cola - Ha!   When he switched from Strawberry to Grape, he changed the name of the drink a little....but I would never call it what he called it because it was pretty bad...basically if a flavored rum was added to Diet Pepsi or Diet Ale-8, we called it "Sex on the Creek".  For those of you who don't know...Curt lived on Gilbert's Creek :-)

Let's see...what else...he left a pack of Marlboro's in my bedside table drawer.  There are 7 left in the pack and I count them every few days.   I can't deny that I haven't thought about smoking one or two of them.  When I was mowing, I found a cigarette butt in the ground and added it to the pack (yes...crazy I know...maybe I do need medication!)  He also had some Rolaids in the drawer.  I did take one of those the other night.  In my bathroom, his toothbrush is still laying exactly where he left it.  He had also brought a new toothbrush for Gabby that has not been opened.  Emily had a friend over who had forgotten her toothbrush and Emily came to me and asked if she could give it to her.  I said "No".  I know that was rude, but I'm just not ready to give up anything at this time.

I finally changed my sheets the other day, but I haven't changed my pillow cases because there is one that I can still smell just the faintest hint of Curt's cologne and I'm not ready to let that go.  Curt had left a pair of shorts here and I've worn them almost every night since he died.  Gabby let me choose three t-shirts from his closet and I've worn each of them a few times.  Anything that was his is just precious to me right now.  I'm thinking eventually I'll be able to let it go, or at least box it up and put it away, but I just can't do it yet.

Of course, I have all the rose petals from his funeral.  I have gifts I received from people to commemorate his life and passing.  I have several sympathy cards, bows, the Diet Ale-8 bottle that I sent the single red rose to the funeral home in (that rose story will definitely have its own blog entry).  I have six months worth of pictures and I'm planning to use Microsoft MovieMaker to put them to music and save.  I've printed them out and have a few sitting on my nightstand.  I'm putting together a list of all the facebook, e-mail and text messages I received from family and friends and friend's of Curt's who I didn't even know.  Some of those have meant more to me than anything.  I don't have much, but I cherish every item I have and the memory that goes along with it. 

And then...I can't forget about MASON!  He's sleeping outside tonight because he chased a frog into the pond.  He's covered in gray clay and smells like a stale pond.  I'm thinking he's going to have to have a bath tomorrow.  The bad thing is that he has discovered the pond...and I bet I have a hard time keeping him out of it.  When he jumped in the pond, I was on the phone with a friend.  She told me after hearing stories from Curt's childhood friends a few days ago, that Mason seems to act just like him.  I think she's probably right!