Dana's Different Directions: Mother's Day 2012

As has been the norm since Curt's death, I woke up with a nervous stomach on Mother's Day. I immediately detected the sound of rain on my roof and could tell it was a dreary day by the darkness inside my bedroom. Rain depresses me. I know that rain is a good thing, but rain takes me back to a time that I dealt with some pretty sad, raw emotions and everytime it rains, it just makes it hard for me to be happy. It rained the morning after Curt died and then it's rained quite a bit since then, but there have been days that the sun has shone brightly and I like that...I like to think that when the sky is blue and the clouds are sparse it gives the people in heaven a clear view of the happy things on Earth!

Anyway, waking up to a dreary, rainy, Mother's Day immediately put me in a solemn mood and I immediately thought of Curt's mother. She was facing Mother's Day, two weeks after his visitation, without her only child. I cannot fathom that! I am blessed beyond measure with three healthy children. As sad as I have been, I don't think a sadness could ever compare to losing a child. I've heard it said "When you lose a parent - you lose your past; when you lose your mate - you lose your present; when you lose a child - you lose your future". I have thought of that many times over the years. I guess I first heard that when my friend, Brian Harden, was tragically killed in a helicopter crash at age 29. He was a flight paramedic and the helicopter in which he was riding crashed into the side of a mountain at take-off. Until Curt's death, I had never had another death affect me quite so deeply (except for an infant funeral I attended about 5 1/2 years ago). Brian had been in my first wedding as a groomsman for my now ex-husband. I had known him for years as we grew up in the same town and attended the same high school. His wife had two small children and was pregnant with her third child. I had a hard time coming to grips with those little girls losing their daddy at such young ages and one never having the opportunity to meet her father, I had known Brian's mother forever and I couldn't imagine what she was going through losing a child and then there was Brian's wife, Patti, pregnant with two small children, suddenly alone having to do it all by herself. Patti and her children had a strong support system of wonderful family and friends. She moved on with her life, she seems very happily remarried and their children are thriving as teens/pre-teens!! I'm thankful to Facebook for allowing me to keep up with their lives :-)

I shed many tears on Mother's Day 2012. Some were happy. Most were sad. I had lots of "what if" questions throughout the day. I wondered how differently my Mother's Day would have been if Curt were alive. I'm guessing he would have made sure my kids had gotten me something for Mother's Day. I know he would have made sure his daughter had bought something for her mom. I'm assuming that while I was in Danville eating with my Grandmother and family that he would have been in Danville visiting his mother. He might have taken me out to eat later since it rained all day and grilling wasn't really an option. I'm so full of "what ifs" and think I may always wonder about things but eventually it won't consume my thoughts.

Edison heard a commercial on the radio when we were driving in the car last week. He said "Mom, what is Mother's Day?" I said, "Oh...Mother's Day is all about me!! That's the day you are really nice to your mommy and you give her lots of hugs and kisses." He said, "Is that all?" and I replied, "Well, Mommy's also like to get presents that day." He thought for a few minutes and then he said "I'm going to get you a BIG heart." I'm not sure if he thinks I need a bigger heart or if I need a new one to replace this old broken one, but I could tell he was excited.

As I was waking up on Sunday morning, I felt Edison stirring around next to me. While we were still laying in bed I whispered and asked if he knew what today was. He popped up and excitedly said "It's Mudder's Day!" He immediately rolled out of bed with the intention of making me breakfast. He tried to wake Kensley who had told him she would help him and she wasn't quite ready to get up. He began crying, "nobody will help me make you breakfast" and I said, "please don't cry first thing on Mother's Day, I'm not hungry yet anyway." The next thing I know, Kensley is standing in my door with her hand on my hip saying, "Remember that ear infection I had where this ear hurt so bad and I couldn't hear anything out of it? (I nodded yes as she contined talking) Well, it was getting better but now I can't hear anything out of it AGAIN because Edison has been yelling at me to get out of bed!" HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME :-)

Kensley and Edison began making cherry turnovers and when Kensley got to a part where Edison couldn't help, he started the next item on his agenda - getting my gift. He had made some things for me at daycare and my mom had helped him wrap them. The gift was in the trunk of my car and of course, it was raining. When I told him where the gift could be found, he knew he needed the keys to my car. Suddently, I'm blinded by the overhead light in my room as he brings me my purse and plops it on my bed. I couldn't find them and told him to go ask Emily because she had driven my car last. I heard him go into her room and the next thing I hear is her yelling "They are on the kitchen counter, now leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep!" He brings the keys to me and asks which button he needs to push to unlock the back, so I show him. He goes back into Emily's room which also has the door leading outside. He can't unlock it. He asks Emily to help him. She refuses. He comes back into my room and says "I can't unlock the door, can you get out of bed just one time?" So...feeling sorry for him...I do. I go to the back door, unlock it, say something smart to Emily, supervise Edison as he runs out in the rain and retrieves my gift and help him dry his feet off when he comes back in. I go back to bed...because I'm waiting for my breakfast in bed to get done!!

Edison asks Emily if she has a present for me. Her reply "Mom wouldn't let me freakin' go anywhere last night so I didn't get her anything." Okay...so now my feelings are hurt on Mother's Day. You see, Emily got into a little bit of trouble Friday evening and I had told her she was going to be grounded but I hadn't told her exactly what was going to happen. She knew she was in trouble and yet, Saturday afternoon, I let her go do what she wanted to do AFTER I had bought oil for her car. I also gave her some money and told her EXACTLY what I wanted for Mother's Day and told her where she could find it. As it turns out, she never got it Saturday afternoon. When she asked to go out on Saturday night with her friends, I said no! She blew up. She went to bed at 8:00 p.m., well sort of, not really if you count getting up and stomping around the house from time to time, slamming things around in the kitchen and bringing negative energy (as my friend Tawnya says) to everyone else in the house.

As I tell my children all the time, I wasn't born yesterday and I am not an idiot. Do you think, when I told her she couldn't go out on Saturday night that she asked if she could at least drive to go get my present? NO, she never mentioned it!! She was mad at me and didn't care if I got a Mother's Day present or not. She showed conditional love for me. As long as I let her do what she wants...she'll be nice. Well, guess what? I will always show unconditional love for you sweetheart, regardless if I get a Mother's Day gift (with my own money) or not. You see? I don't care what you do...I will always love you!!!

Kensley comes into my room with two cherry turnovers on a real plate and Edison has a Diet Pepsi for me. Kensley had served her and Edison on paper plates...wasn't that sweet? I only had to wash one plate!!! She says, "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for Mother's Day, but when you wouldn't let Emily drive, we couldn't get it." I looked at her and said "Really, Kensley? Do you think I'm that dumb? Do you really think that if you had told me that you needed to drive up the road to get my gift that I would have said no? Um...for that matter, it was within walking distance!" I told her it was okay. I had only told Emily she couldn't go out with her friends, yet neither of them made any effort to do anything for me. Does it hurt my feelings? Of course it does! Does it change my love for them? Absolutely not! I'm blessed to have them all, even with their crying and whining, yelling and screaming, stomping and slamming, sometimes ungrateful preschool and teenage attitudes!

My co-workers and I discussed our Mother's Day gifts this morning. One co-worker told me, "Dana, you have daughters, and some day, when they become mothers, they will make up for this time. I have sons, whose wives do not care, and I end up with useless junk from them every year!" This year, a young lady, who considers this co-worker her second mom had asked to come and spend the afternoon with her. When she visited, she brought her a sweet card and a gift certificate to Kohl's. She said she wished her son's would think along the same lines! So...I am hopeful that someday...I may look back and remember the precious framed poem I received from Edison and the heart-shaped cookie-cutter painted collage and how excited he was about "Mudder's Day" and not be upset when he buys me worthless stuff that doesn't fit, is not my style or is a dust collector and maybe...just maybe...I will have raised two thoughtful daughters who learn the concept of unconditional love and want to show their love to me using my favorite love language (gifts)!!

In the meantime, I am looking forward to the Single Mom's most favorite holiday --- Father's Day - a day when some of us get to sleep late, relax and not have to deal with the crying and whining, yelling and screaming, stomping and slamming, sometimes ungrateful preschool and teenage attitudes...but then again, on that day, my mind will again be on Curt and how sad his daughter will be not to have him here and how his ex-wife isn't afforded the break of Father's Day, and again...the what-if questions will consume my thoughts.

Oh yeah...and it wasn't all bad. When I got home early evening, my mom and dad and stopped by and picked up the pink plastic Adirondack chair I wanted for Mother's Day and it was sitting in my front yard, under the tree, waiting for sunny warm days when I can sit outside and read as Edison swings in the tree swing. They told me the girls gave them the money for it. I hope they are right. And, Kensley and I had some picture fun as we sat in the car waiting for Edison to get a little bit more of a nap in before we disturbed him and went inside the house....I hope you enjoy!