Five days later, I was on the receiving end of the "how quickly life can change" scenario when I received a phone call from a friend giving me the most shocking and devastating news I think I have ever received...
Wednesday, April 25th began as any other day, except I was up, bright and early, and already had my hair and makeup done before I took Edison to school. My usual routine is to take my son to school at 7:40 and come back home to apply makeup, straighten, tease and spray my hair and then leave the house for work at 8:20 a.m. As soon as I pulled out of my drive, I would call Curt and we would chat for 10-20 minutes, talking about our morning, discussing what we were doing at work that day and trying to figure out a way to see each other that night :-) That morning, I dropped Edison off early for school and called Curt at 7:40. I'm not sure why that sticks in my mind...but I clearly remember seeing the time when I placed the call. I have no recollection of what we discussed that morning and I'm hoping that will come to me at some point. I know we had tried to talk the night before and when he called I was already in bed. I get terrible phone reception in my house and worse from my bedroom. He kept telling me I needed to go to another part of the house. It was chilly in my house and I told him I was warm and wasn't getting up. We got cut off once and I called him back from where I was laying. We got cut off again so I sat up in my bed and waited for him to call me back. We got cut off again and I moved to the foot of my bed and called him back. I looked at my phone and had two bars and as soon as he said "Hello!" we were immediately cut off. I sent a text that said "I give up! I have 2 bars and I don't know what the problem is." We had been discussing moving my daughter, Kensley's horse, to his farm and I ran across a picture of her on her horse and texted it to him. His response was "Good night sweetie pie". Little did I know that would be the last text I would ever receive from him. I replied "Your so silly. Goodnight honey bunch - bwahahaha". It had become a game for us to come up with a different pet name for each other every time we talked after a post I made on Facebook about how silly I thought the term "boyfriend" was at age 41. He chimed into the conversation that he preferred "Loverboy". I'm sure our Wednesday morning conversation included him giving me a hard time about being too lazy to get out of the bed to talk to him...how I wish we would have had one more late night conversation on Tuesday night or that I could remember our long conversation on Wednesday morning.
We talked at lunchtime everyday. Either he would call me or I would call him. On Wednesday, I made the call to him at 12:30 p.m. and the call lasted 4 minutes. Our conversation was funny and serious and private concerning an inside joke, but I had gotten just a little bit jealous about something and questioned him and when he clarified, I started laughing and said "oh good! because my dorsal fin was up!" He cracked up laughing and said "Get your dorsal fin back down, Baby!" I will never forget that as long as I live. He told me he needed to go, that he was pulling into Burger House to get his lunch. He said, "I'll talk to ya later and we'll figure out what we're doing tonight." I sent him a text at 3:46 that afternoon that said "What are you doing tonight?" because I had planned to cook supper for him. It was around that time that his body was discovered, still sitting in his truck at Burger House, but I didn't know this. I received a call from my friend, Missy at 4:05 telling me that his truck had been in the parking lot all day and they had found him, unresponsive. I immediately knew...but refused to believe!
I barely remember driving home from Lexington. I remember making phone calls. I called to get his Dad's number and tried to call him. I called a friend to get the number to Curt's friend, Steve (I already had Steve's number and forgot it was in my phone). I called Steve and said "Go to Burger House, see if it's Curt and tell me where they are taking him!" I tried to find my mother and in the process talked to my dad and my grandmother before Mom finally called me back. In the meantime, my family and friends were learning the devastating news that no one had the heart to tell me, nor did they dare tell me while I was driving home alone.
When Missy originally called to tell me Curt's truck had been in the parking lot all afternoon...before she told me that he was still in there...my heart sank and my very first thought was "that idiot is cheating on me!" That's where my mind automatically goes, proving I may always struggle with trust. As soon as my mind wandered there it was jerked back when she told me he had been in the truck all day, with it running, and someone had finally decided to check on him and found him unresponsive. I immediately left the office to head home. A million thoughts crossed my mind as I rushed home that day. My initial fear was that he was dead...then I started thinking maybe his heart is beating and he's just not breathing...but then I thought, he will have brain damage...he wouldn't want to live that way...I recalled a conversation we had had about brain damage and being paralyzed and he told me he wouldn't want to live that way...I was wondering which hospital they were taking him to and then wondering if I would have to turn around and drive right back to Lexington if his condition was critical...and I was wondering why nobody was calling me back...and then I was wondering how I was going to take care of him in the hospital and who would help with my kids that weekend and how much time I could take off work...and then I remembered my daughters had 8th grade soccer night and senior prom in a few days...and I was wondering why nobody was calling me back...and I knew he had been sitting there for about 3 hours and that couldn't be good and I was concerned that if he was going to be in the hospital for awhile and if he had had a heart attack or needed some kind of surgery or even while he recovered from whatever was going on that he would be stressed out while he couldn't work and start worrying about money...and I was wondering why nobody was telling me which hospital they had taken him to...but deep down...I already knew.
My mom called and told me to stop by my house and she would drive me. I told her I was not pulling off 27, that I was not stopping til I got to him. She called again and said "I'll be at Carolyn's. Stop there. I'll have the car running and all you have to do is park and get in." I agreed to that. At some point last week, I sat down and put all of this together. I remember thinking it was weird that my dad was with my mom. I also noticed a look on Carolyn's face when I got out of my car that gave it away. I was in denial. It took me 45 minutes to get from work and everyone knew by the time I got into Garrard County. My friend, Missy, who had given me the first phone call was trying to get to me at Carolyn's house so she could tell me or at least be with me when I was told. She called to see where I was and we had already pulled out to head to Burger House. Neither my mom or dad had said anything and I was desperate for information but too afraid to ask questions because I didn't want to hear the answer. I think I called Missy because I knew her daughter was out at Burger House. Missy kept asking me where I was and if I was with anybody and finally I think I half way yelled at her and said "Yes! I'm riding with my mom and dad and we are going to town and we just passed BP!" and she told me what I feared the most...that the coroner was at Burger House...and I already knew...and I hate most of all that she was the one who had to tell me...but someone had to. Last week, after the funeral, when I had time to sit down and think about that Wednesday, I put lots of pieces together and made phone calls to fill in what I didn't know as to how everyone found out. It was then that I realized my mom and dad knew when I got in the car, I asked her if she knew and she told me that they did, and she told me how they found out, and said she was going to tell me when we got closer to town but I picked up the phone and called Missy before she was ready. I think my mom was relieved that she didn't have to tell me.
I have a horrible cry that I have cried 4 times in my life. My mom and dad have been present for three of those awful wailing moans - not associated with any physical pain but rather a deep heart wrenching emotional pain. A parent should not see their child experience any pain - I know I never want to see either of my three children cry out the way it escapes me. At the same time I am blessed that my parents have always been there for me...even if it's not fair to them.
Grief is grief...it doesn't matter what or who you lose. Everyone experiences grief and deals with grief differently. The one thing that made me initally angry was the fact that I had felt some of the same feelings before. I don't want ANY of my feelings about Curt and his death to be interchanged with my feelings about Wasband and our divorce...but unfortunately...that deep gut-wrenching emotional pain I felt when I heard that Curt was dead was the same feeling I had when I first learned my marriage was ending. The only condolence from that is that I know I'll eventually move on with life and accept my new norm...whether I like it or not.
I could keep writing and writing today...mostly I needed to write from 12:30 to 12:34 and get past 1:00 knowing that just two weeks ago, he was here on this earth...alive and laughing and talking and joking and working and eating...and in an instant...he was gone...and my life changed forever!
This was the last picture taken of Curt...he took it himself on April 18th with his brand new iPhone 4gS and sent it to me with a text that said "That's me on my reverse camera". I told him that I knew that was him and that he looked mean and scary. He was so proud of that phone and his camo/and orange OtterBox...he called me the minute he bought it and asked if I had the "4gS" and I said "No!!! I have the 4g...do you have Siri????" and he was so excited to have some technology that was better than mine. So I asked, "okay...how many gigs?" and he told me 16 and I told him mine had 32 and he said "it doesn't matter because I have Siri and you don't and you're jealous!" He sent a text message a few minutes later that said "Don't be hate me" and another that said "I have finally got something that everybody else in the world hasn't got yet."
And that doesn't really matter now...he couldn't take it with him...because...in an instant...he left everyone and everything behind.
No comments:
Post a Comment