Sometimes...

For those of you who follow my blog, you know that I am not one to shy away from expressing my feelings.  I admit that I hold back somewhat because I never really know who is reading.  I also feel confident that none of you truly care about my feelings, or if you did, you are tired of listening by now.  Sometimes, the pain that I feel is so overwhelming I want to scream!  The biggest feeling I struggle with now and I have struggled with for some time is that of being lonely and the fear that I will leave this life lonely.  Unless you have truly experienced the loss of a spouse, either through a divorce that you did not want or through death, I don't think you can understand what I feel, nor do I want to feel it.

I can share with you this...I HATE it when people say...

• "God has a plan"  
• "The right guy will come along when you least expect him" 
• "Quit looking and love will happen"
• "You can never be lonely if you have God in your life"
• "Be patient"
• "You're looking in all the wrong places"

Trust me, you don't want to hear what goes through my mind when I hear one of these statements.  My response is usually "I know...you're right...someone's out there..." [with a big smile on my face while fighting back tears] and the truth is...maybe he is and maybe he isn't.  Maybe God's plan is that there is no right guy, that he will never come along, that whether I quit looking or not it may never happen, that I can have God in my life but still crave the companionship of a mate, that patience has absolutely nothing to do with it and if I looked in the "right places" I'm still never going to have this void filled.  There!!!  That's what I really feel.

Let me try to explain two of the loneliest experiences I have had since my divorce...

Scenario #1.  The loneliness of having surgery and being dropped off at home afterwards to an empty house with no one to do anything for you.  Now...I must admit that the outpatient clinics said that I was not to be left alone but that I begged my mother to do just that.  While I was in surgery the first time, my Dad broke his foot.  When my mom stopped at Wal-Mart to fill my prescription, she told me that my Dad was in the ER in another city.  Of course, she had to go be with him.  That's what spouses do and I wanted my mom to be with my dad, that's where she is supposed to be!  She dropped me off at my aunt's house and I went to her guest bedroom and cried myself back to sleep to sleep off the anesthesia.  My aunt took perfect care of me but that's not who I wanted...simple as that!  The second surgery, all I wanted to do was go inside my empty little house and cry again, mostly because the person who had relieved my mother from these duties 20 years earlier was no longer there. My mom is a nurse, she would have been a wonderful caretaker, but the point is she is not the person that should be taking care of me at this point in my life!

Scenario #2.  The loneliness of waking up on Christmas morning and your children, one who still believes in Santa Clause, are not there.  Christmas morning...a day when you feel like everyone else in the world is waking up to wonder and excitement and you don't even want to wake up, let alone get out of bed.  Thankfully that feeling only comes every other year and yes...this is the year.  I try to pass it off as "Oh, I'll save money...I don't have to buy extra gifts from Santa..." but that is bull crap!!!  No mother who celebrates Christmas wants to wake up on Christmas morning to quiet, empty, loneliness.  Yes, I know it's a "season" but December 25th is Christmas morning...that's when parents celebrate the santa/gift part of the holiday with their children! 

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for my family and friends because they are truly wonderful.  After both surgeries, my mother knew that I was struggling with some difficult feelings and when I say I begged her to leave me alone, it doesn't mean that she didn't call to check on me or send others by the house to keep me company.  The last Christmas when I was without children, I had some friends bring gifts by the house so I would have something to open on Christmas morning.  My sister invited me to her house for breakfast with her family and they too, had gifts and made me feel very special.  I am thankful that people try to fill the void in my life.  I am blessed to be a Believer and to have great friends and wonderful family.

My point is that sometimes...the loneliness cannot be filled by others and I don't know how to "fix" that.