The Whisper Test and Finding Homes for Children Who Are "Born Different"

In church Sunday morning, my pastor, Bro. Kaywood Morris, shared with us a story at the end of his sermon.  He quoted "The Whisper Test," which was written by Mary Ann Bird.

I grew up knowing I was different, and I hated it. I was born with a cleft palate, and when I started school, my classmates made it clear to me how I looked to others: a little girl with a misshapen lip, crooked nose, lopsided teeth, and garbled speech. When schoolmates asked, "What happened to your lip?" I'd tell them I'd fallen and cut it on a piece of glass. Somehow it seemed more acceptable to have suffered an accident than to have been born different. I was convinced that no one outside my family could love me. There was, however, a teacher in the second grade whom we all adored -- Mrs. Leonard by name. She was short, round, happy -- a sparkling lady. Annually we had a hearing test. ... Mrs. Leonard gave the test to everyone in the class, and finally it was my turn. I knew from past years that as we stood against the door and covered one ear, the teacher sitting at her desk would whisper something, and we would have to repeat it back -- things like "The sky is blue" or "Do you have new shoes?" I waited there for those words that God must have put into her mouth, those seven words that changed my life. Mrs. Leonard said, in her whisper, "I wish you were my little girl."

For some reason, I started crying and had a hard time controlling the tears.  I looked over at my friend, Betsy,  and said "that made me cry..." and there was no tissue to be found.  Of course, Bro. Kaywood's point of telling this story was for listeners to realize that God sees all of us as sinners.  God can see past our sin and hopes that all of us will become a child of His - that we will all be adopted into God's kingdom --- but this passage spoke to me on so many more levels...


Most of you who know me, know that I work in the adoption field.  Specifically, I work with families who choose to adopt from China's special need program.  I have never done the math to determine how many adoptions I have been a part of in the 3.5 years I have worked with A Helping Hand Adoption Agency, but I think I may have to run a report this coming week to find out :-)

Over the past few years I have learned a lot about many different special needs.  Cleft Lip and Palate; Congenital Heart Defects (Ventricular Septal Defects, Atrial Septal Defects, Patent Ductus Arteriosis; Tetralogy of Fallot; and many others); Albinism; Hepatitis B; Anal Atresia and Imperforate Anus; Cerebral Palsy; Skin Nevus; Microtia; and numerous other medical conditions.  I have seen children on the waiting child list with conditions that we, in the United States, would not even consider a special need.

For example, my oldest daughter was born with Strabismus and esotropia caused by extreme farsightedness.  Had SHE been born in The People's Republic of China, she would have more than likely been abandoned once her eye condition was discovered and sent to an orphanage to wait for a family.  A pair of glasses has corrected both her eye alignment and vision since she was 2 years old!  Although I was upset that my daughter would have to wear corrective lenses all of her life, I never considered it a special need!  Sure, I grieved for a day or two that my daughter wasn't "perfect" but I didn't grieve for long because two weeks before my daughter was born, my cousin had also given birth to a little boy.  When he was 4 months old, they discovered that he was completely blind.  It didn't take me long to quickly realize that things can "always be worse" and I knew that God had given me what I could handle.

It is the parents who step out on faith and adopt the children who are unwanted and sometimes deemed "unadoptable" for which I have a HUGE respect.  Every parent can tell you how their child's special need has made them see life in a new way.  I have stories of families who thought they were adopting a child with special needs, only to come home, have the child evaluated by a specialist and told the child was completely healthy.  I've also known families who got to China only to find out that their child's special need was a little more than they were expecting.  I could tell many, many stories of families who have adopted a child with a special need but today, I'm going to tell you of a family whose story brings joy and at the same time, breaks my heart...

This particular family adopted a little girl with an extremely complex heart condition.  Had this precious baby girl not been adopted by a loving family and brought to the USA to immediately undergo surgery, she would most certainly have already died in China.

alone.

without a mama.

without a daddy.

without ever knowing the love of a family.

Today she is nearly 5 years old and is doing quite well, although her Mother recently confided in me that she finally got up enough nerve to ask the doctor what her daughter's life expectancy would be.  This mother was given the devastating news that her daughter would possibly not make it out of her teenage years, but could possibly live into her early 20s.  Her defective heart will not be able to sustain her body much longer than that.  This little girl's mother wrote to me in an e-mail, thanking ME for giving her the opportunity to be her mother.  Even with the devastating news that her daughter will not, barring a miracle (which we all know is possible), live a long life, she and her husband and their older daughters will make sure that this little girl knows she is loved.  Her life will be full and happy and best of all, she has her very own family!  This family knew going into the adoption that the little girl who would become their daughter had a very complex heart defect and that her life would be shortened, yet they stepped out in faith and gave her what she so desperately needed - love and a family. 

My job is very rewarding when the opportunity presents itself for me to call families with the wonderful, happy news for which they have been waiting.  There are also times when I must be a cheerleader and encourage families when they get discouraged through the long, difficult waiting process. I've been told by a few clients that I have a very calming voice and they love when I call, because it helps settle their restless souls as they wait.  I also work with families across the United States who say they love to hear my soft, southern accent.  I'm not sure if the soft southern accent helps settle their souls or if its the words I choose to cheer them on, but nevertheless, I feel both are a gift from God, and I will use them to the best of my ability.  Still, there are other times when my job is not easy or fun.  Quite frankly, sometimes it is emotionally difficult for me.   I have access to a database that contains photos and information for approximately 1500 children.  The majority of the children who remain on this list live with severe, life altering medical needs, in orphanages, half way across the world.  Many will NEVER know the love of a family.  Some of these children will be placed in a corner of a room inside an orphanage to "wait to die".  ALONE.  Is there anything more sad?  If there is, I cannot think what it would be...

It was the quote at the beginning of this post, specifically mentioning cleft lip and palate, that made me cry.  I thought of all of the babies who were born in China with cleft lip and palate who I have helped place into loving homes.  Families who saw these little girls (and sometimes boys) with a hole where their lips should be, and who were able to look past the cleft to see the child.  Families not caring that the little girl would have a misshapen lip and a crooked nose, not thinking about the major dental and orthodontic work in the future, nor were they concerned about the time consumption of speech therapy to help her learn to talk once the roof of her mouth was repaired. Those parents, through adoption, have given the same Whisper Test to those waiting children that Mrs. Leonard gave to Mary Ann Bird.  They each saw the pictures and thought, "I wish you were my little girl" and made it happen!

Every child deserves a family and I admit that I'm a little partial to finding families for the children who are "born different".  Mary Ann Bird wrote that she was convinced that no one outside her family could love her, based on the fact that she was born with her cleft lip and palate.  This is simply NOT TRUE!  Just as her teacher whispered that she wished she was her little girl, I can tell many stories of parents who have CHOSEN a child who was "born different", CHOSEN to make a child a part of their family, CHOSEN to love.  And through this choosing, I see GOD at work in people's hearts.  I also see GOD using me as a tool to help match families with children.  Words can not explain how awesome, amazing and wonderful this can be.  Some people give birth to a child with a special need and God gives those families the strength and resiliency to accept and move forward --- just another example of His incredible ability to work in our lives.  Another way God works is by giving people "The Whisper Test".  He asks parents, who are listening to Him, to step out on faith and make a choice that he hasn't forced them to face.  It is after they have heard God's whisper, that many parents talk to me...and that is when my job cycles back to the rewarding phase.

Temper Tantrums

I realize that many of you who follow this blog also follow me on Facebook and read about my week, but I just wanted to put my crazy life into story form...

I'll start with Tuesday...I woke up to pouring rain...it literally rained ALL DAY LONG!  And it wasn't a little drizzle, this was a hard soaking rain that by nights end was causing flooding in areas of the state.  I normally get out of the office each day at lunchtime, if not to buy lunch, at least to go shopping (well...looking...because you have to have money to shop).  I wasn't going anywhere Tuesday, except back to my warm, cozy home.  I decided to order a pizza from Papa John's and have them deliver, keeping in mind that Edison and I could eat the leftovers for dinner.

The work day finally came to an end but my time of relaxation was far from over.  The drive home, which normally takes 50-60 minutes, turned into one hour and 30 minutes.  I don't understand how drivers suddenly forget to drive when there is any kind of precipitation falling!  For several minutes I sat completely still on New Circle Road and the rest of the time, I was driving at a snail's pace.  There were no wrecks - just non-drivers!  Needless to say, I was a little stressed by the time I arrived at the baby sitter's house (20 minutes late!).

Finally, at 6:30 p.m., Edison and I walked into our home.  I was so thankful that I had purchased the pizza earlier in the day and would not have to cook dinner.  Edison was starving and I was trying to change out of my work clothes into something more comfortable and warm.  He asked if he could get a piece of pizza for himself.  Since I've been trying to teach him to be a little more independent by undressing and dressing himself, hanging up his coat and putting on his shoes, I thought that would be fine.  I was wrong!

He came into my bedroom and he was rubbing the big yellowish-green jalapeno pepper all between his hands.  He asked, "What's this?"  I said, "Edison!  That is a hot pepper!  You need to go throw it away, wash your hands and DO NOT rub your eyes."  A few minutes later I hear the water running and some whining.  I walk into the bathroom, see Edison standing at the sink with water on his hands RUBBING his eyes!  The jalapeno pepper was floating in the toilet!  I washed his hands with soap, cleaned out his eyes, flushed the toilet and told him to go get a piece of pizza while I finished changing my clothes.  I met him as he was walking out of the kitchen, pizza in one hand and an open container of garlic butter dripping all down his pants and onto the kitchen floor!!  So, once again, I had another mess to clean up.  At some point that evening, I finally got to enjoy my own slice of pizza.  It's funny how you think you can have everything planned for a simple evening and how difficult that one evening can become when a 3 year old is involved.

FAST FORWARD to Wednesday night.  I picked Edison up from the sitter and he was very tired.  I desperately needed groceries and decided to head to Wal-Mart.  Now, Wal-Mart is an overwhelming place for Edison.  It always has been from the time he joined us at age 17 months.  I guess it's because he never experienced anything like it in his first few developmental months.  I think he gets overstimulated in Wal-Mart with the colors, sights, sounds, tall ceilings, items stacked so high, etc. Come to think of it, I get overwhelmed in Wal-Mart :-)   I knew Edison was tired so I opted for Stanford's Wal-Mart which is much smaller.  He fell asleep on the way there and I laid him in the buggy.  He slept almost the entire time which allowed me to peacefully shop for the items on my list --- until he woke up.  He woke up in a daze and then he wanted to see the toys...

We usually always go through the toys but my children have always known that going through the toys doesn't necessarily mean you will get to bring a toy home.  Most of the time we don't bring toys home, but occasionally, I like to surprise them and say "Sure, you can have that!"  It's Christmastime and I've been wanting to spend some time with Edison in the toy department to see what catches his eye.  Being Christmastime also means we have all been asking him, "What do you want for Christmas?"  I think this confused him.  We were going to the toys, I kept asking him what he wanted for Christmas and he couldn't grasp that Christmas wasn't Wednesday night!!!  When we left the toy department, he was crying "I want a toy!" and by the time we got to the front of the store, he was screaming "I WANT A TOY!"  As usual, there were 2 checkout lanes opened so I stood in line for about 15 minutes with a child who was red-faced, screaming and crying "I WANT A TOY!"  I had other parents trying to talk to him, Wal-Mart employee's showing him holographic gift cards, and then there was me saying "You are not getting a toy, Edison, and if you continue to scream like this, I'm not sure Santa will bring any either!" 


We finally got to the van.  By this time, Edison was out of control, screaming, crying, kicking his feet, arching his back, throwing his head around - a FULL-BLOWN TEMPER TANTRUM.  I remained calm, speaking softly, trying not to escalate the tantrum, however, I'm not sure it could have been escalated at that point.  I wrangled him into his car seat, which was not easy, and I still have a bruise on my forearm from a child's Nike Shox, size 10.  He continued to scream while I stood in the biting cold consolidating the many Wal-Mart bags which contained one item each - grrrrrrrr!

While putting bag after bag inside one another (there were probably close to 25 and I only purchased 35 items), a car alarm went off.  I'm stressed!  My child is screaming, my hands are freezing, I'm trying to get the bags into my van and the car facing me is flashing its lights and blowing the horn, very LOUDLY!  I am now suffering from sensory overload and I stopped, looked up at the sky and said "God!  Please Help Me!"  I know the Salvation Army bell ringer thought I had lost my mind, especially when I, myself, discovered that the alarm going off was MINE!  I had hit the PANIC button....  I thought it was the car in front of me because (1) my headlights were reflecting off their headlights so I thought that car was making the noise, and (2) my van is so old, I didn't realize it had a panic button!  I get the alarm disengaged and I sit down.  That is when Edison began kicking the back of my seat!


At this point, I knew better than to open my mouth to say anything because I would have yelled at him and I knew I had to keep driving, because if I pulled over, I would have spanked him, harder than necessary.  Instead, I called my friend, Tawnya.  I apologized to her that she would have to listen to him but that it was necessary to keep me from losing my mind!  Tawnya has three children, including one set of twin boys.  She told me she had never had a child act like that and had NEVER heard a child sound like him.  She told me he sounded possessed - which I totally agreed.  He was in another realm - completely out of control!  While I was talking to Tawnya, my daughter Emily buzzed in.  She needed help with her homework - HAHAHA!  She tried to explain to me what she needed and I finally said, "Emily, I can't hear you.  You are cutting out and even if we had a good connection, I'm not sure I could hear you from all the screaming, so I will call you back when I get home, goodbye." (CLICK).  I get a text message from her a minute later that says "Daddy is helping me.  Also, the grinch is on 180.  I thought eddy would like to watch it.  Love you! And, be patient :)"  I LOVE that girl and I will come back to her in a minute...for now, I'm still in the middle of this screaming so loud it's hurting my ears, kicking the back of my seat so hard he kicked his shoe off FIT!

I had been in the car with him for about 12 minutes and he had started the fit about 15 minutes before we exited Wal-Mart so this has continued for approximately 1/2 hour.  I'm driving by Forks of Dix River Baptist Church. It's 8:10 - people are leaving.  I have lots of friends there.  I pull in to the Family Life Center where some kids are standing and I ask them to please go inside and get Jeff or Bridget Moss.  Edison LOVES both of them.  Pulling into the church has gotten Edison's attention.  My sister said he probably realized he was getting ready for a "Come To Jesus Meeting with his Mama" - haha!  The kids came back out and said "Jeff will be out in a minute".  By the time Jeff came out, Edison had pretty much quit screaming, he wasn't even really crying, he was snubbing and he looked EXHAUSTED!  I was in tears and it was wonderful to me that Jeff was talking to him and that he wasn't screaming and I was so thankful that I had not lost my temper.  Jeff told his wife later that night he didn't really feel like he had done anything; but, he did! 

I asked God for help when I was standing in the parking lot at Wal-Mart. I think he was the one who encouraged me not to interact with Edison because I'm normally a reactor and things would have only escalated.  He told me to keep driving and not pull over.  He gave me patience, although they were wearing thin.  Tawnya doesn't always answer her phone when I call at night because she's busy with dinner, homework, family time and getting her kids ready for bed - so that was helpful.  I happened to drive by my "old" church just as they were dismissing Wednesday night service and I knew Jeff & Bridget would be there and could help with Edison.  It was a God thing!

Now, back to Emily...I have 17 years of experience with temper tantrums.  Miss Emily has thrown some of the biggest red-headed fits you could ever imagine over the years.  Looking back, I think a lot of hers were due to over-stimulation and hypersensitivity to things going on around her (although they were never in public, only at home and at large family events).  When I told my sister, Lea Ann, that Tawnya had said she had never heard a child act like him, my sister said, "Well, she never heard Emily did she?"  I learned long ago that when something set Emily off and I reacted, she over-reacted and it became a snowball effect of too much reaction!!!  I'm not even going into what kind of tantrums she threw.  They were horrible and they started when she was about 6 weeks old up and lasted 16 years!  Many family members and some of my friends have experienced them and know exactly what I'm talking about.  Others who never saw her in action do not believe me when I tell them she can behave in this way.  It was endearing to me when she sent the grown-up text telling me to "be patient" with Eddy because now, that she is maturing, she realizes that I did have a lot of patience.  My mom and I have said many times that Emily was blessed to have Paul and I as her parents because many mothers and fathers would have abused her.  I didn't always have enough patience when she threw her "fits" but I never hurt her.  Luckily, we had a strong support system of family and friends to help us. And, now, with Edison, even though his Dad isn't around to help, I still have a strong support system of family and friends and for that I am TRULY BLESSED!

Maybe it says something about my parenting style that I would have one biological child and one adopted child who can throw the Temper Tantrum of all Temper Tantrums...but I don't think so, because where does that put "Laid Back Kensley?"  I'm hoping that this Mother of all Temper Tantrums was a once in his lifetime thing, but, if not, I've had experience with them before and I can get through them...praying for patience the entire time!