Dear Curt (Letter #2)

Hey Curt,

Today is Memorial Day...it's been an emotional weekend for me.  Good and bad.  It was our weekend to have all the kids.  I kept wondering what we would have done.  I have a bit of a sunburn, but you might like it...it would save you money not having to buy a tanning package!

I put a single red rose on your grave Saturday afternoon but it has been so hot, it didn't last long.  I stopped by again today. The rose was all dried up but I couldn't bring myself to move it.  I figure it will blow away or someone else can move it for me.  The single red rose I sent to the funeral home, in the Diet Ale-8 bottle, turned out to be a magic rose.  I've never even liked red roses, but a red rose has a whole new meaning to me now.  I don't guess I'll ever look at one without thinking of you, Curtis. 

I ordered it from Family Crafts and Flowers.  Shon, who owns it, lost her husband very soon after they were married.  She told me it had been over 35 years ago and even with all the time...she understands.  She's been so sweet.  I showed her pictures of the rose and she couldn't believe it lasted as long as it did.  She said they poured the Ale-8 out, left a little in the bottom, didn't rinse it out and added water, so we are thinking maybe the "Splenda" helped it live longer, but I prefer to think it was just special...like me and you together were :-)  That rose looked good for almost three weeks!!  Truly amazing.  

I sat outside under the shade tree all day Saturday, talking to Lisa and watching Edison and Mason play in the slip-n-slide and kiddie pool.  I got depressed thinking about how much more fun this weekend would have been if you and Gabby had been here with us.  Steve and Tamra bought a pontoon.  I went down and met them on the dock late Saturday night.  Lea and Fred were there and Angie and Clay.  Late Sunday afternoon, me and the girls met Angie and Clay at the lake and went out on Clay's boat.  We swam in the lake for awhile and ended up back at the campground.  You would love it there!  Everybody was laughing and having a good time and then I had a breakdown. 

I'm so thankful for our friends.  I'm sure they are getting tired of the Dana and Curt stories, but they keep listening anyway.  They tell me things about you and they talk about what a good, honest man you were and how I had "calmed the beast"????  And they hug me and tell me that things are going to get better and I know they are right...it just helps to be around them right now.  I get comfort from that and since you aren't here to help me through this, I have to turn to others...I'm truly blessed to have them call and check on me and to include me.  I know it won't last forever, but they are here now when I need them most and I'm not ready to let them go yet. 

I get so upset that you are gone!  I want you here with me!  I don't want to do this "alone" thing again and I don't want somebody else right now.  I miss you so bad all the time. I am consumed with memories of you and us and I'm constantly wondering what we would be doing or what you would say or do and I get exhausted by it.  I just want to turn it off...but I can't.  I know it will get easier eventually - surely it has to - because I can't keep this up forever!  Since vacation week was our last official plans together (other than the JMM CountryFest in September), I'm hopeful that maybe, after I go on our vacation in July, that I can get some peace.  But vacation without you is going to be difficult.  I'm hoping another month of time and a relaxing week at the beach will help me move on...but I just don't know. 

I went back and looked at your Facebook page today.  Jerry called me the other day and asked if I remembered when the colt was born.  I thought it was July.  He thought it was later in the summer.  Jerry was right...you posted that he was born on August 11th.  Your post said, "My mare had a colt last night.  He looks just like me" and then the next day you said "For those of you who didn't get my post from yesterday...It's a boy!"  :-)  It was after the colt was born that you invited me to bring the kids down one Saturday afternoon to see him.  The month before you went away, we were enjoying going to the barn and helping you break "Bubba", especially Kensley.  I miss the farm and the barn and the horses and the cows and the fox.  Jerry came to visit me again today and I was in the backyard and didn't hear him.  He said he started to walk around to see if Mason was in the backyard but he didn't.  He wants me to help him sell something on CraigsList so, of course, I'm gonna help him with that. I'm very happy to.  He's been so good to me, Curt.  Just like he was always so good to you. I love talking to him because he has so many stories about you.  Everything he did was for you and now that you are gone...he's just lost.  I wish I could help him with all that hay.  He's having to work double hard to make up for what you did.  He canceled his tobacco plants because he knew he couldn't raise the tobacco without your help and sowed the field in oats and fescue so there will be even more hay this fall.  The more I talk to him, I realize how much he loved you!  Everything he did...he did for you and your future in mind!     

I'm gonna post blog on some of your Facebook posts!!  I enjoyed looking back through all of them.  Some of the off the wall things you would say, while I was sitting right there beside you, would make me blush!!  That's part of the reason when you told me that my grandmother had asked to be your friend on Facebook I said you better deny it...not because I didn't want you all to be friends, but because I never knew what you might type!!!!  I have to admit that lately your posts had calmed down and I was thankful for that.

Anyway, Curt, I want you to know that I constantly think about you and us.  I know you want me to move on...and I will...I just need some more time.  So, be patient with me, and don't get upset that I write all this crap for everyone to see.  You can't get mad anyway...because I've learned, since you went away, that you liked to KISS AND TELL and you told some people some pretty private things about us - LOL - and if you were around and I would have known about it BEFORE you went away...I would have said, "Really, Curt?  Are you 34 or are you 14?" and you would have had to make it up to me.  So, consider this your payback...and know there is plenty that I'm tucking away into my memory...just for me...just between us. 

Goodnight, Curtis...and I can hear you saying "Goodnight, Miss Dana"

Happy Memorial Day...I spent mine with memories of YOU!

Dana  XOXOXO