A wound which was just beginning to heal was split wide open last week. It felt like salt was poured into a gaping wound, complicating my grief and forcing me to question EVERYTHING I thought I knew. After going through another period of shock, disappointment and sadness, I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how Curt died...only that he is gone and that he has left a huge void in my life.
I'm going to go ahead and say this...when I read that article in the paper...I was shocked, saddened and disappointed. I felt betrayed by yet another man that I loved. I'm questioning again, will I ever be able to fully trust another man? I thought I couldn't after my first experience...but I did. Twice now, two men that I trusted hid something very important from me. They both said "I don't want to hurt you" and maybe they didn't, but the truth is...they both did. Just as I have worked hard to try to remember the good times that Wasband and I had so that I can share those with our children, I am going to remember the good times with Curt because as I've written in the past, he brought happiness into my life and removed the dark cloud that had been there for much too long. I can't forget those things and I will not discount them.
After a very rough week and a trip to the cemetery wherein I literally yelled at Curt and told him how I felt...I have realized a few things. These are my realizations. I'm sure they will not make anyone else feel better and I'm not going to say that they make ME feel better but as I have questioned over and over why Curt is gone and how his exit from this life plays into my own, I have some peace that (1) he no longer fights the demon he fought while he lived on this Earth. Curt had been very honest with me from Day 1 about his past. I thought it was in his past and did not witness anything to make me think differently while he was alive. You would not believe the people who have contacted me since learning his cause of death...people I barely know who fight addiction every day...who have begged me not to be mad at him as they have tried to explain to me how difficult it is to live with the craving for something you know that is bad for you. I've turned my research from focus on grief to focusing on addiction. I've learned a lot and I feel that I have been able to forgive Curt because I realize all those times he said "I don't want to hurt you" and I assume that he meant he didn't want to hurt me the way Wasband had, he meant that in a totally different way. His being gone has hurt me but I realize that as I was falling in love with him, had this become apparent while he was still alive, that would have hurt me even more. Which leads to the second realization. (2) I'm glad that I didn't know and that me and my children were not affected. Had I made the discovery beforehand, I could not have stayed with him. I would not have put my children at risk. It would have been very difficult to walk away from someone that you care so much about. Since I had not really met his family I'm not sure I would or could have gone to them for help if I had discovered it. I'm not sure his friends would have intervened if I had gone to any of them. If I had left and he had died afterward, that would have been more devastating to me because I would have felt responsible.
So...while I have had a full gamut of emotions, it doesn't change the fact that I miss HIM, I miss his LAUGH, I miss his SMILE, I miss his VOICE, I miss all the sweet things he said and did and so, I've recalled a few more things that Curt has said or done to make me laugh while we were together...
About two weeks before his death we had discussed losing weight. I told him we were going to change the way we were eating. He kept saying he was going to start running again. Evidently, when Curt was in running mode, he would wrap himself in a black garbage bag to help sweat off some of the extra pounds. He was convinced this was effective. After his death, his friend, Scott Lane, was talking about that and told me that he had a picture of Curt running up their road wrapped in a plastic garbage bag. He said "He looked like an idiot, Man!" Curt kept telling me he couldn't wait for it to get hot...because he loved to sweat while he worked! He assured me that he was going to lose some weight this summer. I've told Scott I wanted to see that picture!
I called him one day and said, "I got my Weight Watcher books out today." He said, "You gotta do more than get the books out, Baby! Just like you gotta do more than just buy the gym membership!" I said, "I know, Dork! We are getting ready to start eating healthy!" and that was our plan...I was going to make sure we ate more healthy and he was going to start running...we just hadn't put it into motion yet.
Another thing I was thinking about this week was the fact that Curt called me "Tie Dye"...quite frequently. Before going to China I had bought some new clothes...one outfit was solid navy blue jogging pants and a matching tie-dyed zip-up jacket. I had bought it to wear home on the plane...something that would be comfortable on the 13 hour flight and the layover hours. The week after I got home from China, on a Friday (I remember this because Friday's are our dress-down days at work), I called Curt on my way to work and he told me he was on his way to Lexington too. I wasn't sure where he was but I knew he was somewhere behind me. I had taken Nicholasville Road and he had taken Harrodsburg Road. I had to stop and get gas. When I got onto New Circle, I was just driving along and when I crossed Harrodsburg on the overpass, I looked down to see if he might be there. He wasn't...but as I drove and was looking ahead, I saw what I was sure was his trailer...and I "stepped on it" to catch up to him. As I got closer, I could see his stacks and new for sure it was him. I finally caught up to him and my navy blue Nissan Altima was right beside his navy blue Dodge 3500 flatbed. I kept looking over at him and he would not look over at me for anything. So...I blew my horn and got his attention. Of course he flashed his sweet smile, rolled his window down, we blew each other a kiss and I passed him. My phone rang immediately and it was Curt. When I answered he said, "what up? Tie Dye!" I asked, "why are you calling me Tie Dye?" and he said, "when I looked over, that was the first thing I noticed...was your tie-dye jacket." I said, "When I looked at you I noticed your smile, I couldn't even tell you what you are wearing...obviously you were not looking at my smile!" That got a laugh out of him for sure! He exited at Georgetown and I went on over to Newtown. From then on, especially when I wore that jacket, I was known as "Tie Dye".
It's Father's Day today...I'm getting ready to take my Dad to Orange Leaf. I woke up this morning and the very first person to pop into my head was Curt's daughter and how sad this Hallmark Holiday celebration can be for so many people. I then thought of Curt's biological father and the man he called "Dad". I know they are both hurting tremendously. And then, I remembered how blessed I am to still have my dad. I can't imagine what my life will be like when he's gone. I don't want to. I'll just deal with it when the time comes.
I certainly have a special place in my heart for those who have lost their Daddy's, especially at such a young age and for those whose Father's make the choice not to be part of their life. If you don't have a good relationship with your Dad or your son or your child...try to make things right because once they are gone...there is nothing you can do other than live with the regret.
I found this online and could not find who should be credited with the quote but I wanted to share:
Laugh when you feel like it. Life is full of suffering and pain. Joy is not to be undervalued, interrupted, or judged.The joy that Curt and I shared will not be taken away from me, regardless of what the people around me say or what they think. Curt loved to laugh and I'll be honest...I miss laughing! While I go through this life of suffering and pain, I will value the joyful moments I've experienced with everyone, regardless of whether or not they are still in my life. No one can interrupt or judge what has brought me joy in the past unless I allow them to do so.
Essentially, we should never let anything get our spirits down enough to where we are discouraged from trying. We should never let anyone or anything discourage us from being the person that we know we should be and that God wants us to be, regardless of what people around us will say, and regardless of what everyone else thinks in given situations, our joy can only be taken from us if we let it.
That is so good Dana. I love your writings, keep up the good work and keeping smiling and laughing.
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