Last weekend I attended a conference hosted by Answers in Genesis entitled "LIFE". I was there as an Exhibitor, however, a big perk was being able to attend the conference and listen to the speakers. I was excited about a quiet weekend in a hotel...alone. I crave alone time. I also prayed that God would speak to me and fill my soul with truth through my time alone and while participating in the conference. He did!
I don't even know where to start.
Hearing scientists (geneticists, physicians, biochemists, engineers) who believe in God, but more than that, believe in the Trinity and teach what they know scientifically from a Christian perspective, was AMAZING! I learned a lot from a scientific and biblical standpoint. But there was more I took away.
One of the speakers shared her personal testimony. After becoming a Christian, while still a "baby Christian" (in her words), she had an abortion. Her story made me cry. I wanted to hear more so when I got home, I searched YouTube and found she had also spoken at the 2015 AiG conference on a similar topic. I would link it but I can no longer find it. I don't want to share her story for her but you should take time to listen to the first part of this interview as she was leading up to promote this year's conference. CLICK HERE! to get a peek at her story.
Compassion, kindness and grace go a long way. She shared in 2015 how anti-abortion bumper stickers continue to make her sad and asked people to think about whether their words were edifying or hurtful and then gave examples of some which were mean and others which were truth-filled but full of grace.
I have a problem with keeping my thoughts to myself when I have been offended. Ya'll don't understand how these words swirl in my head begging me to write them on paper. Even when I know I will be judged and what I need to say will be unpopular, I can't rest until I speak my peace. When I decide to share what is on my heart, I spend a lot of time choosing my words carefully and presenting what I want to say in a way which gives truth..with grace. Sometimes, I'm better at it than other times. Many times, I think the world would be a better place if I would cut my fingers off. Same can be said for a lot of people who comment on things.
Anyway, I continue to stumble on things with a recurring them and so I decided to share...
These quotes:
Your tongue is powerful, and with it, you can edify or vilify others. Use it to edify.
Exposing yourself to consistent negative feedback will invariably attack your faith. Who are you listening to? What voices are you permitting to influence your thoughts? It is time to shut out every opinion that contradicts God's word concerning you. Stop engaging in careless social talk that does not edify. Words are powerful. Make sure the ones you listen to will add and not take away from you.
And these bible verses (NIV):
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Romans 14:19
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called "Today," so that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Hebrews 3:13
And...God continues to teach me. Today, it was while reading my new devotional called "Embraced" by Lysa TerKeurst. This sentence punched me in the gut:
"It's tough being a sold-out soul for Christ stuck in a body that's so tempted to sin."
Even when I'm trying to be more aware and do better, when God puts it all right in front of my face, I'm still a sinner. I'm thankful for a loving God who doesn't give up on Giving Truth...With Grace...to me.
Have a blessed week...Dana
Monday, April 16, 2018
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
A Grounding of My Own - by Guest Blogger - Angela Correll
I've been a blogger since 2006 and after all those years, I am excited to have my very first Guest Blogger! Angela Correll is a best-selling author and I am thrilled to be on the launch team for her 3rd book "Granted", to be released in one week on November 22nd. To learn more visit www.angelacorrell.com. I sincerely hope you enjoy learning more about Angela, reading the blog she wrote especially for Dana's Different Directions and ordering her trilogy! Thanks ~Dana
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: ANGELA CORRELL is the author of Grounded, Guarded, and Granted. She lives on a farm near Stanford, Kentucky with her husband, Jess. Angela's novels are Amazon bestsellers and have been adapted to the stage for sold-out audiences at the Pioneer Playhouse, Kentucky’s oldest outdoor theater. When she's not writing, Angela oversees several businesses in downtown Stanford, including Kentucky Soaps & Such, a goat milk soap factory and retail shop; Wilderness Road Guest Houses & Rooms, historically renovated homes and guest rooms available for nightly rental; and the Bluebird Café, a farm-to-table restaurant, with Executive Chef William Hawkins. Angela has a bachelor’s degree in communication from Georgetown College and a master’s degree in library and information science from the University of Kentucky. She loves canning vegetables from her garden, exploring the Tuscan countryside, and spending time with her family.
A Grounding of My Own
Angela Correll, author of The May Hollow Trilogy
During my nearly decade living in Lexington, a mouse was a device I used with my computer, rain was a weekend spoiler, and a snake was something the plumber used to fix my toilet. All that changed when I married my gentleman farmer and moved to the country.
I was not a complete stranger to the farm; I lived on one for the first five years of my life. My grandfathers were both farmers, as were most of my other relatives. Even so, I spent my growing up years in a small town and shed that as quickly as I could after college for the brighter lights of Lexington, and the excitement of a job that offered travel all over the United States.
After living most of my adult life in the fast-paced hustle and bustle of work, hotels, airports, and fine restaurants, it seemed a new and very strange place for me to find myself as a 32-year old newlywed.
But somehow the farm felt like home. With generations of agricultural background, the land welcomed me as if I were the prodigal child, lured away for a spell by city glitter but back where I belonged.
I hardly knew where to start. We had space for animals – like goats and chickens – a plot for a vegetable garden, and even flowers, herbs and berries. It was all waiting for me to make my mark, but my farming knowledge was severely stunted.
I could tell you where to go for gourmet vegetarian cuisine in San Francisco, Greek saganaki in Chicago, and Ethiopian doro wat in Washington, D.C. I knew how to navigate flights and rental cars, how to coordinate receptions and dinners, and how to write a policy paper. All that was useless when it came to planting a tomato, pruning a grape vine, or bottle-feeding a baby goat.
I leaned on my gardening father and did what came natural for my library background: I read. I read books on raising goats and chickens, books on gardening, books on horses. Through all that, I made sure to keep handy the mother of all farming books: The Farmer’s Almanac.
I realized the importance of this last book when I called my vet to see if she would castrate a male baby goat we had acquired. She put me on hold while she checked the “signs.” Was this vet slang for checking her schedule? She came back on the line and informed me the Almanac said the moon’s phase was right for castration the coming Friday and she would be out around 10 that morning.
Ridiculous. I imagined calling my former colleagues to tell them our meetings would be held only when the moon was waxing. I would be fired first, and then quietly driven to the local mental health clinic. On the other hand, the moon does control the ocean tides, I thought, so maybe it’s not so crazy after all. That realization began my personal grounding.
Through the process of experiencing country life with fresh eyes, a story about a young woman whose city living had overshadowed her farming roots percolated inside me, resulting in the May Hollow Trilogy of Grounded, Guarded and Granted.
My character’s grounding mirrored my own and I can happily say I am now firmly planted.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: ANGELA CORRELL is the author of Grounded, Guarded, and Granted. She lives on a farm near Stanford, Kentucky with her husband, Jess. Angela's novels are Amazon bestsellers and have been adapted to the stage for sold-out audiences at the Pioneer Playhouse, Kentucky’s oldest outdoor theater. When she's not writing, Angela oversees several businesses in downtown Stanford, including Kentucky Soaps & Such, a goat milk soap factory and retail shop; Wilderness Road Guest Houses & Rooms, historically renovated homes and guest rooms available for nightly rental; and the Bluebird Café, a farm-to-table restaurant, with Executive Chef William Hawkins. Angela has a bachelor’s degree in communication from Georgetown College and a master’s degree in library and information science from the University of Kentucky. She loves canning vegetables from her garden, exploring the Tuscan countryside, and spending time with her family.
A Grounding of My Own
Angela Correll, author of The May Hollow Trilogy
During my nearly decade living in Lexington, a mouse was a device I used with my computer, rain was a weekend spoiler, and a snake was something the plumber used to fix my toilet. All that changed when I married my gentleman farmer and moved to the country.
I was not a complete stranger to the farm; I lived on one for the first five years of my life. My grandfathers were both farmers, as were most of my other relatives. Even so, I spent my growing up years in a small town and shed that as quickly as I could after college for the brighter lights of Lexington, and the excitement of a job that offered travel all over the United States.
After living most of my adult life in the fast-paced hustle and bustle of work, hotels, airports, and fine restaurants, it seemed a new and very strange place for me to find myself as a 32-year old newlywed.
But somehow the farm felt like home. With generations of agricultural background, the land welcomed me as if I were the prodigal child, lured away for a spell by city glitter but back where I belonged.
I hardly knew where to start. We had space for animals – like goats and chickens – a plot for a vegetable garden, and even flowers, herbs and berries. It was all waiting for me to make my mark, but my farming knowledge was severely stunted.
I could tell you where to go for gourmet vegetarian cuisine in San Francisco, Greek saganaki in Chicago, and Ethiopian doro wat in Washington, D.C. I knew how to navigate flights and rental cars, how to coordinate receptions and dinners, and how to write a policy paper. All that was useless when it came to planting a tomato, pruning a grape vine, or bottle-feeding a baby goat.
I leaned on my gardening father and did what came natural for my library background: I read. I read books on raising goats and chickens, books on gardening, books on horses. Through all that, I made sure to keep handy the mother of all farming books: The Farmer’s Almanac.
I realized the importance of this last book when I called my vet to see if she would castrate a male baby goat we had acquired. She put me on hold while she checked the “signs.” Was this vet slang for checking her schedule? She came back on the line and informed me the Almanac said the moon’s phase was right for castration the coming Friday and she would be out around 10 that morning.
Ridiculous. I imagined calling my former colleagues to tell them our meetings would be held only when the moon was waxing. I would be fired first, and then quietly driven to the local mental health clinic. On the other hand, the moon does control the ocean tides, I thought, so maybe it’s not so crazy after all. That realization began my personal grounding.
Through the process of experiencing country life with fresh eyes, a story about a young woman whose city living had overshadowed her farming roots percolated inside me, resulting in the May Hollow Trilogy of Grounded, Guarded and Granted.
My character’s grounding mirrored my own and I can happily say I am now firmly planted.
Angela Correll and Koehler Books invite readers down May Hollow Road one last time with the release of Granted, Correll's third novel. Granted takes readers from Kentucky farm country to old-world Tuscany in the company of Annie Taylor, a reformed city girl, and Beulah, her straight-laced grandma. New readers and Correll’s loyal fans will find Granted—the final chapter in the May Hollow Trilogy—a delightfully satisfying read.
Former international flight attendant Annie Taylor is embracing her country roots and racing toward
a future with her sustainable farmer fiancé, but wedding plans are complicated by her new job, a
mysterious ex-boyfriend, and a narcissistic father. Meanwhile, Annie’s old-fashioned grandma, Beulah, is facing a shakeup in the last place she ever thought she would – home. A crisis on May Hollow Road follows a friend’s betrayal, challenging Beulah’s forgiving nature. An unwelcome diet, a new houseguest, and a possible overseas trip will all stretch her spirit – if she lets it. Granted follows Grounded and Guarded in the May Hollow Trilogy.
Granted will release in a classic softcover edition, ebook, audiobook, and, notably, a hardcover edition. In addition, Grounded and Guarded will be re-released in hardcover editions as part of a special May Hollow Trilogy gift set.
To order on Amazon, click HERE!
For a sneak peek of the first 6 pages of Granted, click HERE!
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Time to Read!
The last time I started a blog was March 16, 2016. I had entitled it "Yes...it happened...when I least expected it." It was started a few months after Mike and I married, while he was in Virginia for 5 months, and it begged to be written to answer all the questions about how we got together and ended up married two months later. The draft sits there, along with a few others I've started in the past, waiting for me to revisit, re-read, edit and publish. Writing is my therapy and the good Lord knows I've needed some good therapy lately.
I've been thinking about something else that is good for my mental health that I don't take time to do and that is...READ. I absolutely love to read and at one time I was reading everything I could get my hands on. In the past two years, I've only read two books. American Sniper as told by Chris Kyle and Guarded by Angela Correll. American Sniper was the first gift given to me by Mike. I received it as a birthday gift in December of 2015. I started reading it. We got married. I got a promotion. Life got crazy and I quit reading. This past spring, I took time to read and thoroughly enjoyed Angela Correll's novel, Guarded, the 2nd in her series set in May Hollow. If you haven't heard about her books, Grounded and Guarded, I encourage you to read them NOW because Granted, the 3rd and final book in her trilogy hits the shelves on November 22nd!
What do you do to take care of yourself? You'll find me curled up in my favorite blanket these chilly days, reading! The first book in my lineup? Granted by Angela Correll
To pre-order your copy of Granted, click HERE!
I've been thinking about something else that is good for my mental health that I don't take time to do and that is...READ. I absolutely love to read and at one time I was reading everything I could get my hands on. In the past two years, I've only read two books. American Sniper as told by Chris Kyle and Guarded by Angela Correll. American Sniper was the first gift given to me by Mike. I received it as a birthday gift in December of 2015. I started reading it. We got married. I got a promotion. Life got crazy and I quit reading. This past spring, I took time to read and thoroughly enjoyed Angela Correll's novel, Guarded, the 2nd in her series set in May Hollow. If you haven't heard about her books, Grounded and Guarded, I encourage you to read them NOW because Granted, the 3rd and final book in her trilogy hits the shelves on November 22nd!
What do you do to take care of yourself? You'll find me curled up in my favorite blanket these chilly days, reading! The first book in my lineup? Granted by Angela Correll
To pre-order your copy of Granted, click HERE!
Sunday, February 22, 2015
There's No Driving Like Snow Driving
I got married when I was 18 years old. In this day and age, it's almost embarassing to admit that now. I graduated from high school when I was 17 and had nearly one year of college behind me when I walked down the aisle in April. The following winter, we lived in the bottom of Sue Barbara Court, at the end of Highland Avenue. It snowed, the hill was slick and like any 18 year old, I was tired of being cooped up. It was then I decided I was going to teach myself to drive in the snow. Paul and I were inseparable then, so I'm assuming that if I headed out without him, it was because he was either working or sleeping because he had worked night shift.
At the time, I was driving my first car, a little light blue 1982 Toyota Corolla - 5 speed. Somehow I slipped and slid up the incine and made it to Highland Avenue. I don't recall if I had somewhere to go or if I just wanted out, but I remember driving to the high school parking lot with an agenda. I was going to teach myself how to drive in the snow. I have no recollection of how long I was there or even what I did but I remember getting up some speed, hitting my brakes and just getting the feel of what I needed to do to steer out of a skid and I did good! I was proud of myself. I thought I might end up doing a doughnut or two but I didn't. (I did that unintentionally one time on a main road while Jamie was in the same car with me - I still don't know what happened that time - only remembering that I was coming to an intersection, I pushed in the clutch to gear down and the next thing I knew Jamie and I had spun 360 degrees on wet pavement!)
My mom had always gotten out in the snow and went where she needed to go and I guess I wanted to be like her. She reminded me the other day of the time she tried to gun her Monte Carlo through a snow drift that we could barely see over. That was back in 1978 or 79. That didn't turn out so well - haha and Daddy had to come and pull us out with chains. Well, someone did. I'm not sure if he came looking for us or if someone else had driven upon our predicament - we certainly didn't have cell phones back in the 70s! I remember another time my mom was driving down US 27 in the snow and all of the sudden she lost control. We crossed over into oncoming traffic (near where Willie Frances Graham lives) and I could see the whites of the driver's eyeballs). All of the sudden Mom swerved out of their way, overcorrected onto our side into the shoulder and then somehow straightened the car back up. Jesus definitely had the wheel that day. Come to think of it, Jamie was in the back seat on that day too. She said something like... "Nannie! You...you...you just ran off into the snow cream!"
For 25 years, I've been getting out in the snow when I need to and sometimes just because I want to. This is the first time though, since driving the Corolla, that I have a "tiny car" that won't always go when I want it to. For instance, the other day when I was stuck in the driveway! When I could finally get out, I took both girls with me. I told them they need to learn to drive in the snow. Emily told me she still remembers the time her Dad tried to get our car in Nannie and Papa's driveway and couldn't and I said, "Let me try it" and succeeded :-) Hopefully I've made an impression on her like my mom did for me. I gave them pointers on how you need to be aware of the road ahead of you so you can avoid using your brakes if it all possible. It's better to get off the gas and let the car slow on its own when you are driving on a snow covered road. I explained how the lower gears allow you to have better traction when climbing a snow covered hill and Emily asked "oh, is that what the 1 and 2 are for?" And I told them I can't really explain what you do, you just have to learn it. With that information, I encouraged them that when the roads were safer, they should take their vehicles to an open area that is snow covered and get the feel of steering through a skid. It's definitely a skill they will need for years to come. We don't all live on main highways - sometimes just getting out of your subdivision requires snow driving skills. And sometimes, whether its by choice or necessity, we find ourselves driving little bitty cars that are great on gas mileage 11.5 months out of the year but not the best in getting us through the snow for maybe 2 weeks at the most!
I still enjoy the challenge of snow driving. I can sit inside the house a lot longer now than I could at age 18 but even at 44 a person will eventually go stir crazy! I'm the one who looks all around to see if any cars are coming up behind me or coming toward me and still do a brake check just for the practice when its been snowing. So far, I've remained safe and Jesus has taken the wheel when needed. I pray that He will continue to look over me when I'm driving, especially considering I drive about 26,000 miles each year!
Stay safe y'all!
Friday, February 6, 2015
Divorce-aversary
Six years ago today...
My sister thinks its ridiculous I can remember the date, so I didn't even remind her that I remembered another year had passed. In fact, I only shared it with three people...until you all read this. Remembering dates is both a blessing and a curse. This morning, I woke up, looked at the time and date and it was the first thing I thought of. "Oh! It's February 6th. I've been single for 6 years...has it been six years? Wow! Six years.... Happy Divorce-aversary to me....Six years...I've come a long way..." and then THE song popped into my head. I guess because thinking back to where I was six years ago was both overwhelming and empowering!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
TRUE
Kept thinking I could never live without him by my side
TRUE
But then I spent so many nights,
thinking how he did me wrong
TRUE
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along
TRUE
And so you're back...from out of space...
FALSE
He never came back... and that rejection....that's what hurt most of all.
First I had to fall out of love and then I had to deal with the rejection.
It took a long time!! Much more than half of the six years.
And rejection? It changes a person...
He's the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye...
I almost crumbled...I wanted to lay down and die
KNOW WHAT? I DIDN'T!
I SURVIVED!
As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
THANKS TO MY CHILDREN
I've got all my life to live
TRUE
I've got all my love to give
TRUE
And I'll SURVIVE!!!!
Now this brings me around to another song I've been singing this past week.
Little diddy...'bout Jack and Diane. You know...two American kids growing up in the heartland?
You know who I'm talking about, right?
The lyric that has stuck in my head all week is this one.
Oh yeah, life goes on....long after the thrill of living is gone
IT'S BEEN A BAD WEEK
I'M MISSING THE THRILL
Oh yeah, life goes on...
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
TRUE
Kept tryin' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
TRUE
And I spent oh so many nights feeling sorry for myself
TRUE (too many)
I used to cry
A LOT!
But now I hold my head up high!
MOST DAYS WHEN I'M NOT MISSING THE THRILL
I'm not that chained up little person still in love
THANK GOD!
I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me :-)
HOPE FOR THE FUTURE
For the record, this post is not meant, in any way, to be offensive toward Wasband. This is about me and how I've grown from a very naive and scared woman when he first left to someone who has proven to myself that I WILL SURVIVE. A divorced relationship is not an easy one to manage, especially when no one involved has any experience. At the end of the day, I don't think either of us wish ill will toward the other...well, okay, there have been times - LOL, but in all seriousness, I have never wished that he was absent from my children's lives because I know he loves them and they need him. In the past few weeks, I have taken a huge step to finally be able to let go and truly heal by having an open conversation with his wife. We have both agreed to take baby steps toward a better relationship with one another. I am hopeful. We both know there are things that will come about to cause stress and we've agreed to deal with those as they come without undoing any progress we have made. We've also agreed to just ask the other about things before assuming tone. The mother/step-mother relationship is even harder to navigate than the divorced spouse. I'm supposed to be reading a book I suggested to her that we read together entitled "No One's the Bitch" about how to navigate the mother/stepmother relationship. I haven't downloaded it yet but I plan to do that next week.
God has been dealing with me lately to LET IT GO...uhm...I'm not singing that one!
It's not in my nature to hate. It's also not like me to be unforgiving. I hope most people who have been a big part of my life know that about me. It's taken me awhile to get there with this particular situation.
You will begin to heal when you let go of past hurts, forgive those who have wronged you and learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes. -Author Unknown
Forgiveness will lead to the hope for my future...into eternity.
I WILL SURVIVE!
Credits to Ms. Gloria Gaynor for her lyrics to "I Will Survive", a song I had heard for years but never truly listened until the lyrics got my attention.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
There's a Mama Bear in the Soccer Stands
Tonight, my daughter ended her high school junior season for the Garrard County Lady Lions soccer team. They lost in the worst way possible...they were mercy ruled, meaning the other team scored 10 goals more than them to end the game early. That's a horrible way to end a season. It's sad for the seniors and for the team and doesn't show at all the strength this team has when playing a team of equal pairing.
It was an ugly, rainy and cold night...and I got ugly. First of all, I dislike when both teams have to sit together. Our field is like that. All the bleachers are together and both team's parents have to sit side by side. Soccer can be an aggressive sport and sometimes parents can get a little hot when calls are being overlooked and players are playing dirty. It's awful when you have to listen to the snarky remarks made by the opposing team.
So tonight, I mouthed back on a couple of occasions. For instance, when they [a few of the opposing team spectators] were cheering for a girl who received a penalty for a dirty play and then when they [the people sitting next to me] started saying "Come on! Let's mercy rule them so we can go eat some warm soup!" Really?
I know not everyone will agree with me. Some people are super competitive and want to win BIG at whatever the cost. I don't guess I should expect everyone to be as nice as our coach but a little give wouldn't kill anyone either. We could have easily mercy ruled Casey County a few weeks back but instead of ending the game, our coach let the defense play offense, pulled the goalie out of the box and let her play forward to try to score, and tried people around at different positions. It gave the girls a chance to have fun and keep playing without causing a total embarrassment to the other team.
Boyle County came tonight with all intentions of mercy ruling us. They kept their secondary team in full warm-up attire throughout the entire game obviously not intending to play them. I don't understand, and maybe someone can enlighten me, as to why all school sports teams have to be in a geographical district except football and they get to play teams who come from the same size school. Shouldn't this apply to all sports? I guess in a perfect world!
I mean, sometimes I feel like our school playing Boyle County is like a private Christian college team playing a top ranked Division 1 NCAA team. They come in 3 benches deep, wearing their matching warm ups with monogrammed backpacks. Five coaches and a special breast cancer awareness uniform. To rub more salt in our wound, several girls from both teams played little league together and a few played with us through middle school and maybe even one year of high school.
Don't get me wrong...I love those girls, their parents and their grandparents. Some are Garrard County people and their families continue to be. I remember the day two of those girls were born and I grew up with their parents. This is not about the girls. They are awesome soccer players - the whole Boyle County team is a great soccer team! My daughter played with a soccer club this past spring with a few of the girls, made new friendships and rekindled some old.
Tonight...I'm the mama bear. The one who wants to protect her young. It hurts to lose! It hurt my heart to see my daughter, who absolutely loves the sport of soccer and who played her heart out tonight, walk off the field with tears in her eyes because her junior season ended on this note. It makes me mad because everyone [okay...not everyone...but several spectators] on the other team seemed to think it was funny and more important to get out of the rain than to let our girls finish with their heads up.
Was tonight one of my proud to be Dana nights? Nope. I let my emotions get the best of me. Do I mean for this post to be ugly toward anyone? Absolutely not! I've just always been free with sharing my feelings and I had some raw ones tonight.
This is what I'm feeling ... Sadness for a team of WONDERFUL sweet girls and two GREAT coaches who walked off the field drenched in cold rain, some with a few tears flowing, all hanging their heads in defeat. This is not what Garrard Soccer is. We had a great season. We just happen to be a small school surrounded by bigger schools and play in a very competitive district.
Keep your heads up. I love you all...I have faith in you...and next year is a new year. I'm looking forward to my Senior year as a Soccer Mom!
WE ARE GC!
It was an ugly, rainy and cold night...and I got ugly. First of all, I dislike when both teams have to sit together. Our field is like that. All the bleachers are together and both team's parents have to sit side by side. Soccer can be an aggressive sport and sometimes parents can get a little hot when calls are being overlooked and players are playing dirty. It's awful when you have to listen to the snarky remarks made by the opposing team.
So tonight, I mouthed back on a couple of occasions. For instance, when they [a few of the opposing team spectators] were cheering for a girl who received a penalty for a dirty play and then when they [the people sitting next to me] started saying "Come on! Let's mercy rule them so we can go eat some warm soup!" Really?
I know not everyone will agree with me. Some people are super competitive and want to win BIG at whatever the cost. I don't guess I should expect everyone to be as nice as our coach but a little give wouldn't kill anyone either. We could have easily mercy ruled Casey County a few weeks back but instead of ending the game, our coach let the defense play offense, pulled the goalie out of the box and let her play forward to try to score, and tried people around at different positions. It gave the girls a chance to have fun and keep playing without causing a total embarrassment to the other team.
Boyle County came tonight with all intentions of mercy ruling us. They kept their secondary team in full warm-up attire throughout the entire game obviously not intending to play them. I don't understand, and maybe someone can enlighten me, as to why all school sports teams have to be in a geographical district except football and they get to play teams who come from the same size school. Shouldn't this apply to all sports? I guess in a perfect world!
I mean, sometimes I feel like our school playing Boyle County is like a private Christian college team playing a top ranked Division 1 NCAA team. They come in 3 benches deep, wearing their matching warm ups with monogrammed backpacks. Five coaches and a special breast cancer awareness uniform. To rub more salt in our wound, several girls from both teams played little league together and a few played with us through middle school and maybe even one year of high school.
Don't get me wrong...I love those girls, their parents and their grandparents. Some are Garrard County people and their families continue to be. I remember the day two of those girls were born and I grew up with their parents. This is not about the girls. They are awesome soccer players - the whole Boyle County team is a great soccer team! My daughter played with a soccer club this past spring with a few of the girls, made new friendships and rekindled some old.
Tonight...I'm the mama bear. The one who wants to protect her young. It hurts to lose! It hurt my heart to see my daughter, who absolutely loves the sport of soccer and who played her heart out tonight, walk off the field with tears in her eyes because her junior season ended on this note. It makes me mad because everyone [okay...not everyone...but several spectators] on the other team seemed to think it was funny and more important to get out of the rain than to let our girls finish with their heads up.
Was tonight one of my proud to be Dana nights? Nope. I let my emotions get the best of me. Do I mean for this post to be ugly toward anyone? Absolutely not! I've just always been free with sharing my feelings and I had some raw ones tonight.
This is what I'm feeling ... Sadness for a team of WONDERFUL sweet girls and two GREAT coaches who walked off the field drenched in cold rain, some with a few tears flowing, all hanging their heads in defeat. This is not what Garrard Soccer is. We had a great season. We just happen to be a small school surrounded by bigger schools and play in a very competitive district.
Keep your heads up. I love you all...I have faith in you...and next year is a new year. I'm looking forward to my Senior year as a Soccer Mom!
WE ARE GC!
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
It Takes Me Awhile...
It takes me awhile to get over things. For instance, my husband left me over 5 years ago and I still struggle with the aftermath of that. It took awhile for me to even date again. The few guys I have met have contributed to destroying my self esteem even more than the man I was married to. Two years post divorce I dated a guy who died unexpectedly for a stupid reason and I continue to deal with that. It seems that most men I have ever trusted my heart with has lied, cheated, betrayed or deceived me in a big way.
Needless to say a HUGE part of my self-esteem issues revolve around... REJECTION and because of that I easily slip into the "friend" mode. It's easier to set yourself up as a friend than to put yourself out there to be rejected. A person can only take so much of that!
And so, I'm always perplexed by the people who have split up from their boyfriends or divorced theirs spouses, or how those who have lost loved ones due to death, can move on so quickly. Many are now engaged. Some have children with new partners. Others have had multiple new people in their lives and still others are remarried and I'm just over here like...huh?
I know people grieve differently. I grieved the loss of my marriage like a death. And the death of a boyfriend was painful in itself and then brought back the grief from the marriage loss and it seems to be a vicious cycle. Anytime I face rejection it brings it all back. Sounds like I need counseling...or maybe I'm picky and I've realized I'm not desperate. I've proven I can make it on my own and although it would be nice to walk through life with someone, I'm not willing to settle.
If that means I'll be single forever, then so be it. Although it hasn't always been easy, I don't regret the time I've taken to heal from the hurt and to help my children heal from theirs. We are all still very much a work in progress with the life we've been forced to face.
Hope you've enjoyed another entry of "Dana Shares Too Much". This will come back to bite me when I want to run for political office. Oh, who am I kidding? I would never set myself up for that rejection!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
It Was a Privilege...
PLEASE NOTE there are possible spoilers to the book "The Fault in our Stars" so if you haven't read it and plan to, be warned!
I happen to be a fan of Young Adult fiction and after having a few quotes from this book catch my attention on Pinterest, started reading The Fault in our Stars by John Green earlier this week. By last night I was in the thick of it and could not stop turning the pages. This evening I'm exhausted as I was up until 2 a.m. finishing it. I soaked 5 tissues with my tears and at one point laid my iPad down and bawled. It took a good hour and a half to process what I had read enough to be able to sleep.
First and foremost it's a sweet love story between two teenagers who meet in a cancer support group. There are definitely funny parts and I laughed out loud many times. Terminal cancer diagnosis are involved. Terminal cancer leads to death. Death and dying bring grief and tears. Tears require tissues. The book is part tragedy.
With this being the anniversary week of the second year that Curt is no longer here, he has been on my mind a lot! I can only think of one day in two years that I went an entire day without thinking of him. I panicked at bedtime when I realized I hadn't thought about him and it hasn't happened since. It's not always sad. Most times I smile with happy memories. It may be a Dodge Dually flatbed rolling down the highway, big stacks on a Dodge Ram, diesel smoke, the smell of a Marlboro, Wrangler jeans, something somebody says, a picture or post by Gabby, a Peterbilt truck, an AC/DC song, a Mocha Frappe, a Carharrt symbol, a tv show, an Ale-8 bottle, Garth Brooks, someone's blue eyes...any number of things that I may see or hear throughout any day which will cause Curt Davis to cross my mind.
As I read one part of the book last night I was comforted in knowing, after having experienced a painful loss of my own, that time certainly heals. When you first begin facing the shock you wonder how you will ever accomplish getting through a day without crying or without feeling like a giant part of your heart is missing. Reading near the end of the book, I was able to feel some of the same raw emotion I felt two years ago upon learning of Curt's death and then walking through the motions of his visitation and funeral. Don't get me wrong, I was thankful it was a book of fiction and I wasn't forced to fully experience a loss of that magnitude all over again but the author did a great job getting into my thoughts during that time.
I happen to be a fan of Young Adult fiction and after having a few quotes from this book catch my attention on Pinterest, started reading The Fault in our Stars by John Green earlier this week. By last night I was in the thick of it and could not stop turning the pages. This evening I'm exhausted as I was up until 2 a.m. finishing it. I soaked 5 tissues with my tears and at one point laid my iPad down and bawled. It took a good hour and a half to process what I had read enough to be able to sleep.
First and foremost it's a sweet love story between two teenagers who meet in a cancer support group. There are definitely funny parts and I laughed out loud many times. Terminal cancer diagnosis are involved. Terminal cancer leads to death. Death and dying bring grief and tears. Tears require tissues. The book is part tragedy.
With this being the anniversary week of the second year that Curt is no longer here, he has been on my mind a lot! I can only think of one day in two years that I went an entire day without thinking of him. I panicked at bedtime when I realized I hadn't thought about him and it hasn't happened since. It's not always sad. Most times I smile with happy memories. It may be a Dodge Dually flatbed rolling down the highway, big stacks on a Dodge Ram, diesel smoke, the smell of a Marlboro, Wrangler jeans, something somebody says, a picture or post by Gabby, a Peterbilt truck, an AC/DC song, a Mocha Frappe, a Carharrt symbol, a tv show, an Ale-8 bottle, Garth Brooks, someone's blue eyes...any number of things that I may see or hear throughout any day which will cause Curt Davis to cross my mind.
As I read one part of the book last night I was comforted in knowing, after having experienced a painful loss of my own, that time certainly heals. When you first begin facing the shock you wonder how you will ever accomplish getting through a day without crying or without feeling like a giant part of your heart is missing. Reading near the end of the book, I was able to feel some of the same raw emotion I felt two years ago upon learning of Curt's death and then walking through the motions of his visitation and funeral. Don't get me wrong, I was thankful it was a book of fiction and I wasn't forced to fully experience a loss of that magnitude all over again but the author did a great job getting into my thoughts during that time.
"...and then I realized there was no one else to call, which was the saddest thing. The only person I really wanted to talk to about Augustus Waters' death, was Augustus Waters." I can relate. I wanted one more conversation. I wanted answers. I wanted closure.
"The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with." It's strange that in the initial stages of grief you are able to recall so many memories and then you slowly realize those memories are fading. With the passage of more time you understand there are some things you have to let go and then, something may occur 5 months later, 14 months later or two years later, and you must be reminded to "let it go" because holding on keeps you imprisoned in a pit that's difficult to climb and keeps you from enjoying life.
There was one quote that hit me hard. When Hazel Grace walks up to the casket and had the thought that she "would never see his blue eyes again" I had a setback and it was at that point my iPad was set aside and I cried, hard, similar to those first few raw days, because...even though it's been two years and even though i feel I've finally accepted his death and moved on to whatever my future may hold,I am broken hearted, not just for myself, but for everyone who truly knew him and loved him, because we will "never see his blue eyes again."
With that being said there were two other quotes in the book that were, in my opinion, perfect.
"It [was] a privilege to have my heart broken by you" knowing "grief does not change you...it reveals you."
In Memory of
Curtis Wayne Davis
1/4/78 - 4/25/12
Monday, December 16, 2013
Lesson Learned...Moving On...
After my cryptic Facebook post yesterday, many have asked me to elaborate, so after a 7 month break from blogging, I have returned, so that you...my dear Facebook followers and Blogspot friends, may laugh...at my expense - LOLOLOLOL!
I haven't been out much since Curt died. I went a little crazy the summer after his death trying to put things into perspective...the wrong way...and then I met someone who pointed me back in the right direction. I've definitely changed...for the better (I think) and have gotten back in touch with the REAL Dana Woods :-).
This past weekend, I decided to go out with my friend Kathy to see my favorite band, Trailer Trash, performing at Momma's Last Chance Saloon, as it was their last performance in our fine State of Kentucky and we wanted to see them one last time before they go their separate ways. I grew up with one of the band members and became friends with another. I've spent several weekends with them since I've been divorced. I'm not one to go clubbing or to hang out in bars, but there was a comfort level with TTB just because I knew the band and I knew their wives and I knew some of their regular followers, so I when I went to listen, there were always people there that I knew and enjoyed being with. I have some great memories with that band and...I'm going to miss them.
I've also never been one to drink a lot of alcohol but I do enjoy a mixed drink or a glass or two of Moscato wine from time to time. I was sitting at a bar table with some of my "kinfolk" from one side of the family, when a good looking guy asked if he could buy me a drink. I told him I was not drinking and he went on to the bar. Kathy said, "Dana, you could have told him you'd have a Diet Coke." I looked at her and said "Well...I'm not thirsty so I didn't think about it...and you know I'm bad at this game." She laughed. The guy returned and sat with us. We exchanged all the "let's get to know each other a little bit" information, such as what's your name, where are you from, where do you live, where do you work, blah blah blah. Things were going well...and he asked if I wanted to dance. Of course I did, what girl doesn't like a slow dance, right? So, we talked more on the dance floor, and then I mingled with some friends and he mingled with his. We said "Goodnight" and I thought that was the end.
I was starving. It was 1:20 in the morning. Everyone who has hung out at a bar, saloon, honky tonk, etc., knows that the only place open at 1:20 in the morning is.... WAFFLE HOUSE. I don't think any of us were ready to say goodbye to Trailer Trash so several of us drove on over to Waffle House to eat breakfast. Kathy and I walked in and had a seat at a booth for four. The friend of the guy I had talked to at the bar came and asked if they could sit with us...we said "Sure! Come on over!" and they did.
And this is where it gets interesting...
The guy (I am not printing his name in order to protect our innocence to a situation we had no idea we were getting into), asked me where I was from. I said "Garrard County". He said, "I'm from Lexington but my Dad was from Garrard County." About the same time, I said "You told me your first name but you never told me your last." As soon as he said his last name, I said "What? Can you repeat that?" and Kathy said "Spell it!" and as soon as he spelled it, I knew we had to be related. I said "Who is your Dad?" and he told me his Dad's first name. I said "Oh...I know a guy with that name but he's deceased." He said, "My dad died several years ago." I said, very matter of factly, "I know we have to be cousins." He said "Surely not, my grandmother is [he inserted her name]" and I said "yes, and your grandfather is [I inserted his name] and this is just great because YOUR grandfather and MY grandmother are BROTHER AND SISTER! Oh! and your grandmother's oak kitchen table sits in my dining room!"
By this time, Kathy has put it all together and is practically laying down on the bench saying, "You all are 3rd cousins!! Bwahahahaha!!" as she is laughing uncontrollably and apologizing for the laughter at the same time.
I asked him why I never saw him at a Family Reunion and he said "Because you all are all into horseback riding and barns and hay and that just isn't my thing. I came when I was little." I asked "Why aren't you on our Family Reunion Facebook page?" and he said "I don't know, I didn't know we had one!" And we proceeded to discuss how small our world really is that we would not see each other since we were little and really not even know one another, and then run into each other at a place half way in between the two places we grew up, be drawn to one another...only to find out that we are FAMILY!
So, anyway...some of the lessons I learned include:
I am happy to have met a long lost cousin, and he was a complete gentleman and bought my breakfast. And seriously, I'm glad we figured that all out before anything became more awkward than it already was!!
Lesson Learned. I'm Moving on...Next Please :-)
I haven't been out much since Curt died. I went a little crazy the summer after his death trying to put things into perspective...the wrong way...and then I met someone who pointed me back in the right direction. I've definitely changed...for the better (I think) and have gotten back in touch with the REAL Dana Woods :-).
This past weekend, I decided to go out with my friend Kathy to see my favorite band, Trailer Trash, performing at Momma's Last Chance Saloon, as it was their last performance in our fine State of Kentucky and we wanted to see them one last time before they go their separate ways. I grew up with one of the band members and became friends with another. I've spent several weekends with them since I've been divorced. I'm not one to go clubbing or to hang out in bars, but there was a comfort level with TTB just because I knew the band and I knew their wives and I knew some of their regular followers, so I when I went to listen, there were always people there that I knew and enjoyed being with. I have some great memories with that band and...I'm going to miss them.
I've also never been one to drink a lot of alcohol but I do enjoy a mixed drink or a glass or two of Moscato wine from time to time. I was sitting at a bar table with some of my "kinfolk" from one side of the family, when a good looking guy asked if he could buy me a drink. I told him I was not drinking and he went on to the bar. Kathy said, "Dana, you could have told him you'd have a Diet Coke." I looked at her and said "Well...I'm not thirsty so I didn't think about it...and you know I'm bad at this game." She laughed. The guy returned and sat with us. We exchanged all the "let's get to know each other a little bit" information, such as what's your name, where are you from, where do you live, where do you work, blah blah blah. Things were going well...and he asked if I wanted to dance. Of course I did, what girl doesn't like a slow dance, right? So, we talked more on the dance floor, and then I mingled with some friends and he mingled with his. We said "Goodnight" and I thought that was the end.
I was starving. It was 1:20 in the morning. Everyone who has hung out at a bar, saloon, honky tonk, etc., knows that the only place open at 1:20 in the morning is.... WAFFLE HOUSE. I don't think any of us were ready to say goodbye to Trailer Trash so several of us drove on over to Waffle House to eat breakfast. Kathy and I walked in and had a seat at a booth for four. The friend of the guy I had talked to at the bar came and asked if they could sit with us...we said "Sure! Come on over!" and they did.
And this is where it gets interesting...
The guy (I am not printing his name in order to protect our innocence to a situation we had no idea we were getting into), asked me where I was from. I said "Garrard County". He said, "I'm from Lexington but my Dad was from Garrard County." About the same time, I said "You told me your first name but you never told me your last." As soon as he said his last name, I said "What? Can you repeat that?" and Kathy said "Spell it!" and as soon as he spelled it, I knew we had to be related. I said "Who is your Dad?" and he told me his Dad's first name. I said "Oh...I know a guy with that name but he's deceased." He said, "My dad died several years ago." I said, very matter of factly, "I know we have to be cousins." He said "Surely not, my grandmother is [he inserted her name]" and I said "yes, and your grandfather is [I inserted his name] and this is just great because YOUR grandfather and MY grandmother are BROTHER AND SISTER! Oh! and your grandmother's oak kitchen table sits in my dining room!"
By this time, Kathy has put it all together and is practically laying down on the bench saying, "You all are 3rd cousins!! Bwahahahaha!!" as she is laughing uncontrollably and apologizing for the laughter at the same time.
I asked him why I never saw him at a Family Reunion and he said "Because you all are all into horseback riding and barns and hay and that just isn't my thing. I came when I was little." I asked "Why aren't you on our Family Reunion Facebook page?" and he said "I don't know, I didn't know we had one!" And we proceeded to discuss how small our world really is that we would not see each other since we were little and really not even know one another, and then run into each other at a place half way in between the two places we grew up, be drawn to one another...only to find out that we are FAMILY!
So, anyway...some of the lessons I learned include:
- Any hott guy I meet could be related because we have good looking men in our family!
- In addition to asking for first and last names when first meeting someone, I will also start asking for information about their family tree/bloodline.
- When both your mom and dad come from large families and everyone has stayed closed to the same county, you are more than likely related in some way.
- Being part of a huge family is both a blessing...and sometimes a curse.
I am happy to have met a long lost cousin, and he was a complete gentleman and bought my breakfast. And seriously, I'm glad we figured that all out before anything became more awkward than it already was!!
Lesson Learned. I'm Moving on...Next Please :-)
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Dana's Visit to Suzhou No. 1 Silk Factory
I visited a Chinese Silk Factory on my 2nd day in Suzhou, Jiangsu Province, China. It was Choyers Suzhou No. 1 Silk Factory. Built in 1926, Suzhou No. 1 Silk Factory is a model for industrial tourism in China where the complete process of mulberry planting, silkworm raising, silk reeling, silk weaving and silk quilt making take place and can be seen by visitors.
Little baby silk worms eating mulberry leaves.
These silkworms have been eating mulberry leaves for a little longer and are much fatter.
Once the silkworms mature, they begin making cocoons. Several ways they do this is demonstrated within the factory.
Of course, it all begins with a moth who lays eggs to allow new silk worms to begin growing.
Cocoon Cooking - The cocoon coking is to make use of the effects of water and steam to let the cocoon cavity absorb a certain volume of water to cause the sericin around the silk to properly expand, moisten and dissolve, so as to reduce the gumming force among the silk, and thus to enable the cocoon silk to be separated continuously during silk reeling. The process of cocoon cooking is completed through the circulating of stainless steel cocoon-cooking machine.
This guy was dancing for me as I was taking his picture :-)
Next, the cocoons are "graded". The grading process is the first procedure of the silk reeling production. The silkworms, because of their individual difference and difference of environment in which they are producing silk and cocooning, make cocoons not of the same quality. Some of them can be used for silk reeling, while others cannot. The aim of the grading of cocoons is to grade them according to demands to pick out the cocoons not fit for silk reeling. The cocoons of clean and white color, good luster, uniform layer thickness and neat shape and size are called first-choice cocoons and may be used for silk reelings. Twin cocoons are usually used to make silk floss quilts because the silk of the two become entwined and cannot be separated for reeling. The cocoons which are yellow spotted, perforated, thin shelled or flossy, have to be rejected.
The silk reeling is a production procedure to change the cocoon into silk. The multi-ends silk reeling is to cohere a number of cocoon silks together from several cocoons in light of the thickness specification requirements of the raw silk after the cooked cocoons have been manually brushed and picked into correct end cocoons with one end from one cocoon. When end dropping arises during silk reeling, it is necessary to add in the picked correct cocoons in good time to always maintain the fixed number of cocoons, so as to ensure the specifications and quality of the raw silk.
Re-reeling - the skein formed in the silk reeling contains a lot of moisture so the silk is re-reeled to properly dry the skein, at the same time to retain the elasticity, strength and elongation rate and to make the skeins into bunches of certain specifications to be baled and boxed for convenient transport and storage.
Silk Weaving -
A video of the silk weaving machine...
Two of the Wilcox kids shown helping to stretch the silk from the twinned cocoons to be used for quilt batting.
Employees stretching multiple layers of silk from the twinned cocoons onto a table to be used for quilt batting.
For whatever reason I didn't take any photos of the finished products but you've seen silk. It's just hard to imagine that so many annoying little worms give up their right to become moths because of our desire for exquisitely produced silk products.
Very interesting process. So happy the Wilcox family brought me to see this :-)
May 17, 2013 - Suzhou China
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Lessons Learned
In three days, I will be returning to China. My ticket is purchased. My travel visa has been approved. My hotel rooms are booked. I'm both excited and nervous. I have looked everywhere for a list I made on my way home entitled "Things I Don't Want to Forget About My First Trip to China" in hopes of printing it as my blog, but since I can't find it...I'll just have to write the most memorable lessons learned and what I hope to take with me to China on this trip...
#1 - First and foremost...DO NOT DRINK THE TAP WATER. I plan to do whatever it takes to make sure I do not do this, even if it means duct taping my own mouth while showering, taping the faucets so they can't be turned on, and having bottled water gorilla glued to my hand while brushing my teeth. IF I decide that I need to mix water with anything, I will BOIL bottled water in the hot pot located in the room and not merely heat the tap water. I WILL NOT EVER DRINK WATER FROM THE TAP IN CHINA AGAIN and I will also NOT ask that lettuce be added to my sandwich if I eat at Subway this time because, more than likely, it is washed in tap water. If I learned anything...it is DO NOT DRINK THE TAP WATER...don't even let it near your lips! It will make you violently ill and ruin your week.
#2 - Some camera's are racist...particularly, my mother's. Each time I would take a photo of a smiling Chinese person, the camera would flash a message to me that said "Blink Detected". I'm pretty sure that "Blink Detection" is not an option sold on a camera in China, but since I don't have a camera other than my iPhone, I will probably have to take my mom's politically incorrect camera back to China with me :-)
#3 - Domestic flights inside China are confusing. Last time, China Southern took us West and China Eastern took us North. I am probably one of the most directionally challenged persons on this Earth so this perplexed me. This time, I have no travel companion...I'm on my own...so, hopefully I won't get lost! There are so many people in China. We aren't talking Bluegrass Airport in Lexington here where you might have 20 people at most in line for security 1 hour before your flight is scheduled to leave. I will be surrounded by hundreds of people who will be pushing their way through the gate speaking in a language that I neither comprehend nor even begin to try to speak. Last time, as I was trying to get through security, Lisa was ahead of me and got through. I was stopped and I had no idea why. Imagine a young Kentucky boy trying to communicate to an Asian lady who spoke no English to tell her there was a problem. In this case, it was a young Chinese boy trying to communicate to an American lady who spoke no Chinese that there was a problem. He would look at me, look at my passport, turn and look behind him. Finally, he said "Some Ting Wong". My heart sank and I began experiencing tachycardia (that's a fast heart rate), my face became flushed. There are probably 20 security lines and the way they are set up, you can't see the people who have gone on ahead of you so there I was...alone and had lost sight of Lisa. When I could finally ask what the problem was, he couldn't understand my question, but I guess he saw my look of terror and replied, "Machine bwoke. You okay." Shewwww. I was expecting to be whisked away at any moment with no one's knowledge and questioned in a language I couldn't understand. I calmed a little, said a prayer, and a few moments later, got the green light to continue.
#4 - Don't forget that squatty potties are elevated and when you step out of the stall, there is a step down. Last time I traveled in February in cold weather. While in the airport traveling to a different city, I was ill, I was wearing layers of clothes, I had on a heavy down jacket, with a heavy packpack on my back. As I stepped out of the stall, I forgot there was a stepdown and so...I fell out of the stall landing on my left hip and rolled around on the floor like a weeble wobble trying to assess the damage. I would have laid there and cried if it wasn't for the blessing that no one was in there at the time and I could hear people coming and so I quickly got up, pulled myself together, washed my hands and limped out of the restroom rubbing my hip and praying I would be able to walk the next day.
You may ask if there were any good times? Honestly, I don't recall, because the first trip was absolutely the most miserable I have ever been in my entire life. Yes, I met some great people and I got to interact with several very sweet children. Even through the meetings and meals, I was concentrating on not throwing up, which is not an easy task when chicken feet are on the breakfast buffet!
During staff meeting on Friday, prayers were prayed for my upcoming travels and experience in China. Our Executive Director, Lisa, said "OH Dana! Let me go grab a Bible. During my devotional this morning, I ran across a verse meant just for you."
8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,[a] about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2nd Corinthians 1:8-11
This verse accompanied a daily devotional found in a book entitled "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young which I normally read each day as well. That evening, I read the May 10th devotional that went along with the verse. It reminded me not to resist or run from the difficulties in my life. My problems are not random mistakes, rather they are hand-tailored blessings designed for my benefit and growth. I should continue to embrace all the circumstances allowed in my life, trusting God to bring good from each of them. Problems should be viewed as opportunities to rely fully on Jesus. Feelings of stress and fear should be an alert to me that I need more God and these needs open the door for me to be dependent on Him as I'm alone in a foreign country.
You all know that I'm not all that excited to go back to China, especially alone, but I'm in a different place in my life in May 2013 than I was in February 2012. During my last visit, I experienced troubles in Asia feeling I had received a sentence of death. I realize now that happened so that rather than relying on myself or others that I would rely on God. I will certainly be forced to do this on this trip. He delivered me from that deadly peril and he will deliver me again. I ask for your help through prayer and I'll do my best to keep you all updated on my travels through this blog...or Facebook :-) I have a feeling that this is going to be a GREAT TRIP!!!
#1 - First and foremost...DO NOT DRINK THE TAP WATER. I plan to do whatever it takes to make sure I do not do this, even if it means duct taping my own mouth while showering, taping the faucets so they can't be turned on, and having bottled water gorilla glued to my hand while brushing my teeth. IF I decide that I need to mix water with anything, I will BOIL bottled water in the hot pot located in the room and not merely heat the tap water. I WILL NOT EVER DRINK WATER FROM THE TAP IN CHINA AGAIN and I will also NOT ask that lettuce be added to my sandwich if I eat at Subway this time because, more than likely, it is washed in tap water. If I learned anything...it is DO NOT DRINK THE TAP WATER...don't even let it near your lips! It will make you violently ill and ruin your week.
#2 - Some camera's are racist...particularly, my mother's. Each time I would take a photo of a smiling Chinese person, the camera would flash a message to me that said "Blink Detected". I'm pretty sure that "Blink Detection" is not an option sold on a camera in China, but since I don't have a camera other than my iPhone, I will probably have to take my mom's politically incorrect camera back to China with me :-)
#3 - Domestic flights inside China are confusing. Last time, China Southern took us West and China Eastern took us North. I am probably one of the most directionally challenged persons on this Earth so this perplexed me. This time, I have no travel companion...I'm on my own...so, hopefully I won't get lost! There are so many people in China. We aren't talking Bluegrass Airport in Lexington here where you might have 20 people at most in line for security 1 hour before your flight is scheduled to leave. I will be surrounded by hundreds of people who will be pushing their way through the gate speaking in a language that I neither comprehend nor even begin to try to speak. Last time, as I was trying to get through security, Lisa was ahead of me and got through. I was stopped and I had no idea why. Imagine a young Kentucky boy trying to communicate to an Asian lady who spoke no English to tell her there was a problem. In this case, it was a young Chinese boy trying to communicate to an American lady who spoke no Chinese that there was a problem. He would look at me, look at my passport, turn and look behind him. Finally, he said "Some Ting Wong". My heart sank and I began experiencing tachycardia (that's a fast heart rate), my face became flushed. There are probably 20 security lines and the way they are set up, you can't see the people who have gone on ahead of you so there I was...alone and had lost sight of Lisa. When I could finally ask what the problem was, he couldn't understand my question, but I guess he saw my look of terror and replied, "Machine bwoke. You okay." Shewwww. I was expecting to be whisked away at any moment with no one's knowledge and questioned in a language I couldn't understand. I calmed a little, said a prayer, and a few moments later, got the green light to continue.
#4 - Don't forget that squatty potties are elevated and when you step out of the stall, there is a step down. Last time I traveled in February in cold weather. While in the airport traveling to a different city, I was ill, I was wearing layers of clothes, I had on a heavy down jacket, with a heavy packpack on my back. As I stepped out of the stall, I forgot there was a stepdown and so...I fell out of the stall landing on my left hip and rolled around on the floor like a weeble wobble trying to assess the damage. I would have laid there and cried if it wasn't for the blessing that no one was in there at the time and I could hear people coming and so I quickly got up, pulled myself together, washed my hands and limped out of the restroom rubbing my hip and praying I would be able to walk the next day.
You may ask if there were any good times? Honestly, I don't recall, because the first trip was absolutely the most miserable I have ever been in my entire life. Yes, I met some great people and I got to interact with several very sweet children. Even through the meetings and meals, I was concentrating on not throwing up, which is not an easy task when chicken feet are on the breakfast buffet!
During staff meeting on Friday, prayers were prayed for my upcoming travels and experience in China. Our Executive Director, Lisa, said "OH Dana! Let me go grab a Bible. During my devotional this morning, I ran across a verse meant just for you."
8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,[a] about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2nd Corinthians 1:8-11
This verse accompanied a daily devotional found in a book entitled "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young which I normally read each day as well. That evening, I read the May 10th devotional that went along with the verse. It reminded me not to resist or run from the difficulties in my life. My problems are not random mistakes, rather they are hand-tailored blessings designed for my benefit and growth. I should continue to embrace all the circumstances allowed in my life, trusting God to bring good from each of them. Problems should be viewed as opportunities to rely fully on Jesus. Feelings of stress and fear should be an alert to me that I need more God and these needs open the door for me to be dependent on Him as I'm alone in a foreign country.
You all know that I'm not all that excited to go back to China, especially alone, but I'm in a different place in my life in May 2013 than I was in February 2012. During my last visit, I experienced troubles in Asia feeling I had received a sentence of death. I realize now that happened so that rather than relying on myself or others that I would rely on God. I will certainly be forced to do this on this trip. He delivered me from that deadly peril and he will deliver me again. I ask for your help through prayer and I'll do my best to keep you all updated on my travels through this blog...or Facebook :-) I have a feeling that this is going to be a GREAT TRIP!!!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
The Lonely Lightning Bug
In ways it seems it just happened and in other ways it seems forever ago. When I think of that day, April 25, 2012, it comes in flashes...talking to him, getting a phone call that he was found unresponsive, leaving work in a panic, driving, making frantic phone calls, meeting my mom and dad, getting in their car, receiving the call that confirmed my worst fear...arriving at the scene, seeing his truck, the yellow POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape, meeting his mother for the very first time, seeing his daughter, his family, my phone blowing up with calls and messages, my very best friends coming to be by my side, being interviewed by KSP, a white sheet covered stretcher, the Coroner's van driving away, my Facebook status that said "My heart is broken..."
In shock is where I was one year ago, my heart once again shattered, but somewhere along the way I was able to pick up the pieces and somehow continue living this
complicated
confusing
unpredictable
sometimes unbearable
crazy thing we call life
I have leaned on my family and true friends for support. I've made new friends, I have lost "friends", I got closer to a few and grew apart from others. To everyone who has been there...I am forever grateful!
Grief recovery is difficult. In and of itself, grief is complicated, confusing, unpredictable, sometimes unbearable and will make you feel like you are going crazy! A person is forced to deal with grief by also facing everyday life, and that, in and of itself, is not always so easy.
Curt Davis passed away on an unseasonably warm April afternoon. As I recall, we had experienced several days of warm weather. I left the place where we had all gathered and went to Curt's house to pick up Mason...his dog who became mine that day. At some point, I arrived at my Mom and Dad's house and as night fell, I saw a lonely lightning bug in the distance. Lost in the muddle of everything that was crossing my mind, I somehow made a mental note that I was seeing the first lightning bug of the season. Quietly, I was searching for any sign that God was in control of this complicated, confusing, unpredictable, unbearable situation, and I would later find out that He sent a lightning bug.
The next afternoon, Emily said, "Mom, you are going to think I'm crazy, but I think God sent a lightning bug to let me know that Curt is okay and that you're gonna be okay too." Remembering the lone lightning bug I saw in the distance the night before, I asked her to tell me more. She said that as I was standing outside talking with my friends, she was standing behind me and that a lightning bug flew all around the back of my head, lighting up repeatedly. She told me it was the only one she saw that night and everywhere I would move the lightning bug stayed with me. She said, "It was like Curt...following you everywhere." She said it gave her a little bit of peace. I told her my story and we wondered if it was the same lightning bug.
I shared our lightning bug story with my friend, Kathy, and asked if we were crazy. She shared with me a similar story...an experience with another of God's creatures that she experienced after her husband passed away. I also recall a family who has no doubt that a butterfly was sent as their message of hope immediately following the loss of their son/brother.
But my lightning bug story doesn't end there...it goes one step further...about a week later. My cousin, Lisa and I, were sitting on my front porch at dusk. Directly across the road from my house, were hundreds of lightning bugs, doing their little dance and lighting up like crazy. Lisa, having no idea that Emily and I had lightning bug stories said, "Look at all those lightning bugs! I have not seen one at my house. I guess because they are all down here!"
Confirmation...
The Firefly - representing the light that Curt brought into my life, if only for a short season and a reminder that God is always lighting my path, even when I close my eyes refusing to see it. I thank God for all of His creation, the people he has sent into my life, a sweet dog named Mason and for sending fireflies each Spring to remind me that everything is going to be okay. For the changing seasons on this Earth and His patience with me through the changing seasons in my life. For the realization that above all, I need to seek His will for my life as he lights the darkness...
From "All My Life" by The Band Perry..."Would you catch a thousand fireflies, yeah put them in a lamp to light my world. All dressed up in a tux and bow tie hand delivered to a lonely girl."
In shock is where I was one year ago, my heart once again shattered, but somewhere along the way I was able to pick up the pieces and somehow continue living this
complicated
confusing
unpredictable
sometimes unbearable
crazy thing we call life
I have leaned on my family and true friends for support. I've made new friends, I have lost "friends", I got closer to a few and grew apart from others. To everyone who has been there...I am forever grateful!
Grief recovery is difficult. In and of itself, grief is complicated, confusing, unpredictable, sometimes unbearable and will make you feel like you are going crazy! A person is forced to deal with grief by also facing everyday life, and that, in and of itself, is not always so easy.
Curt Davis passed away on an unseasonably warm April afternoon. As I recall, we had experienced several days of warm weather. I left the place where we had all gathered and went to Curt's house to pick up Mason...his dog who became mine that day. At some point, I arrived at my Mom and Dad's house and as night fell, I saw a lonely lightning bug in the distance. Lost in the muddle of everything that was crossing my mind, I somehow made a mental note that I was seeing the first lightning bug of the season. Quietly, I was searching for any sign that God was in control of this complicated, confusing, unpredictable, unbearable situation, and I would later find out that He sent a lightning bug.
The next afternoon, Emily said, "Mom, you are going to think I'm crazy, but I think God sent a lightning bug to let me know that Curt is okay and that you're gonna be okay too." Remembering the lone lightning bug I saw in the distance the night before, I asked her to tell me more. She said that as I was standing outside talking with my friends, she was standing behind me and that a lightning bug flew all around the back of my head, lighting up repeatedly. She told me it was the only one she saw that night and everywhere I would move the lightning bug stayed with me. She said, "It was like Curt...following you everywhere." She said it gave her a little bit of peace. I told her my story and we wondered if it was the same lightning bug.
I shared our lightning bug story with my friend, Kathy, and asked if we were crazy. She shared with me a similar story...an experience with another of God's creatures that she experienced after her husband passed away. I also recall a family who has no doubt that a butterfly was sent as their message of hope immediately following the loss of their son/brother.
But my lightning bug story doesn't end there...it goes one step further...about a week later. My cousin, Lisa and I, were sitting on my front porch at dusk. Directly across the road from my house, were hundreds of lightning bugs, doing their little dance and lighting up like crazy. Lisa, having no idea that Emily and I had lightning bug stories said, "Look at all those lightning bugs! I have not seen one at my house. I guess because they are all down here!"
Confirmation...
The Firefly - representing the light that Curt brought into my life, if only for a short season and a reminder that God is always lighting my path, even when I close my eyes refusing to see it. I thank God for all of His creation, the people he has sent into my life, a sweet dog named Mason and for sending fireflies each Spring to remind me that everything is going to be okay. For the changing seasons on this Earth and His patience with me through the changing seasons in my life. For the realization that above all, I need to seek His will for my life as he lights the darkness...
From "All My Life" by The Band Perry..."Would you catch a thousand fireflies, yeah put them in a lamp to light my world. All dressed up in a tux and bow tie hand delivered to a lonely girl."
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Happy S.A.D. Day :-)
Today is Single's Awareness Day. Some of you may call it Valentine's Day. Others may refer to it as February 14th. Some may not care and just think it's another Thursday. Some of you may call it an overly consumer rated Hallmark holiday. Still others may be celebrating their wedding anniversary (I hear it's a very popular day to do this). Regardless of what YOU call it, I really dislike loathe despise HATE this holiday. Happy SAD Day to me!
Pitiful...I know. Truly, the entire day is a reminder to single people everywhere that they are, in fact...SINGLE. Television commercials about rings and things. Radio commercials about love and stuff. 80s love songs. Movie releases by Nicholas Sparks...the true romance writer of today. Shall I go on? I've had no less than tenhappily married people tell me that today is "just another day." I guess at one time in my life it was just "another day" to me too. But then...I found myself divorced a widowed girlfriend single. And for the past three years...it hasn't been "just another day", it's been a terrible reminder of being alone.
Last year, I got a break from the loneliness because I was dating Curt. But...guess what? I spent the entire day on a plane, flying from China back to the USA. By the time I arrived in Kentucky, it was February 15th and I was exhausted. Curt met me at the airport with a hug and a kiss and a gift certificate for a massage and acrylic nails. First time I had gotten a Valentine's gift since BEFORE my divorce but it wasn't on the 14th! It was nice though :-)
Driving home from work today, I was listening to K-Love...you know...positive. encouraging. K-LOVE?? Gary Chapman, author of the Five Love Languages was the guest speaker. I recalled taking the Love Language quiz years ago and my first love language is "Positive Affirmations". I'm not sure if my 2nd one is gifts or good deeds or one of the others but...I like gifts on Valentines Day for sure :-) Of course there was a message from K-Love reminding the single people that even though we might not have been given a box of candy and may not have received roses, that God loves us more than anyone and His love endures forever. I know this...I teared up a little as they said it and I thanked God for loving me and once again prayed that if he isn't going to send someone in my life to at least take my desire to have someone...OUT. Even with the prayers...it doesn't stop the fact that I would appreciate some candy or flowers or jewelry...or even a positive affirmation :-)
I wasn't a total scrooge...I wore red today. And I did have fun exchanging "valentines" with a few friends via text message. My boss gave me some candy and a ring that lights up and as we put them on, she and I made our attempt to dance and sing like Beyoncé to Single Ladies...you know the one...if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it?
To all of you who are married or have a significant other in your life...or heck...even a date on Valentine's Day...be happy about that and enjoy every moment! Maybe you didn't get the kind of candy you like. Maybe you wish he would not have spent so much on the roses. Maybe you waited too long for your table at the restaurant. Maybe you wanted jewelry. Perhaps you had to cook and clean the kitchen. Perhaps you are sick. Perhaps he is sick. At least he's keeping you company...and believe me...when you have that and then it's gone (because of a breakup, a divorce or death) ...it means more than you can imagine.
Here I sit...on this Thursday evening...blogging because it's the only therapy I can afford. My kids are with their dad. The dog is in the other room because he stinks. I fixed myself a cold sandwich, drank a bottle of water, and ate some mint chocolate chip ice cream and just finished watching one of my favorite movies...VALENTINE'S DAY. Where there is an adorable little boy named Edison, where Patrick Dempsey plays a cheating husband and where two of the best looking actors in Hollywood end up being gay. Happy SAD Day to me :-)
Pitiful...I know. Truly, the entire day is a reminder to single people everywhere that they are, in fact...SINGLE. Television commercials about rings and things. Radio commercials about love and stuff. 80s love songs. Movie releases by Nicholas Sparks...the true romance writer of today. Shall I go on? I've had no less than ten
Last year, I got a break from the loneliness because I was dating Curt. But...guess what? I spent the entire day on a plane, flying from China back to the USA. By the time I arrived in Kentucky, it was February 15th and I was exhausted. Curt met me at the airport with a hug and a kiss and a gift certificate for a massage and acrylic nails. First time I had gotten a Valentine's gift since BEFORE my divorce but it wasn't on the 14th! It was nice though :-)
Driving home from work today, I was listening to K-Love...you know...positive. encouraging. K-LOVE?? Gary Chapman, author of the Five Love Languages was the guest speaker. I recalled taking the Love Language quiz years ago and my first love language is "Positive Affirmations". I'm not sure if my 2nd one is gifts or good deeds or one of the others but...I like gifts on Valentines Day for sure :-) Of course there was a message from K-Love reminding the single people that even though we might not have been given a box of candy and may not have received roses, that God loves us more than anyone and His love endures forever. I know this...I teared up a little as they said it and I thanked God for loving me and once again prayed that if he isn't going to send someone in my life to at least take my desire to have someone...OUT. Even with the prayers...it doesn't stop the fact that I would appreciate some candy or flowers or jewelry...or even a positive affirmation :-)
I wasn't a total scrooge...I wore red today. And I did have fun exchanging "valentines" with a few friends via text message. My boss gave me some candy and a ring that lights up and as we put them on, she and I made our attempt to dance and sing like Beyoncé to Single Ladies...you know the one...if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it?
To all of you who are married or have a significant other in your life...or heck...even a date on Valentine's Day...be happy about that and enjoy every moment! Maybe you didn't get the kind of candy you like. Maybe you wish he would not have spent so much on the roses. Maybe you waited too long for your table at the restaurant. Maybe you wanted jewelry. Perhaps you had to cook and clean the kitchen. Perhaps you are sick. Perhaps he is sick. At least he's keeping you company...and believe me...when you have that and then it's gone (because of a breakup, a divorce or death) ...it means more than you can imagine.
Here I sit...on this Thursday evening...blogging because it's the only therapy I can afford. My kids are with their dad. The dog is in the other room because he stinks. I fixed myself a cold sandwich, drank a bottle of water, and ate some mint chocolate chip ice cream and just finished watching one of my favorite movies...VALENTINE'S DAY. Where there is an adorable little boy named Edison, where Patrick Dempsey plays a cheating husband and where two of the best looking actors in Hollywood end up being gay. Happy SAD Day to me :-)
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Life is a Highway
On April 1, 1989, at the tender age of 18, I nervously walked down the center aisle of the church I had grown up in. With a huge smile on my face and many hopes for my future, I was given in marriage by my "Daddy" while wearing a beautiful white wedding gown. Before God, our pastor, and approximately 200 family and friends, I said "I do" and made the Biblical promises to love, honor, cherish and yes... [don't cringe]... even to "obey". I took very little into that marriage. I had a high school diploma and almost two semesters of college under my belt, a part-time job, a used car, some stuffed animals, my clothes and some cheerleading trophies :-). I had grown up in a loving two-parent home and brought with me the morals and values I had been taught and the hope that I would grow old with this man I stood before, not thinking about it, but assuming that one day I would be buried next to him.
Fast forward 20 years...
In those 20 years we built a home together, we built a family together, we incurred debt together and experienced life together...just the two of us. In the beginning we were showered with gifts, we earned our college degrees, took on jobs/careers that afforded us the ability to buy lots of "stuff". We brought three children into our family, two through birth and one through adoption, and were showered with gifts through each blessing. We experienced the miscarriage of our first child conceived. We experienced the death of friends and family members. We shared laughs and memories too numerous to list. And then...it abruptly ended in divorce and we were forced to split the "stuff", share the kids and bury the happy memories. I was left picking up pieces of a broken heart and facing the future...for the first time...alone.
Fast forward 4 more years...
Eventually, after a divorce or a breakup from your significant other, you begin thinking that maybe...just maybe...you want to fill the void...the emptiness...and you have the desire to find another "helpmate". This time however, in your quest for a relationship, you bring with you your children, your ex and his family, your bills, your furniture, Longaberger baskets you can't seem to sell knowing how much money you have invested in them, past memories, tons of disappointment, hurt and fears. After four years, you may have recovered from some of the debt, the poor self-esteem issues and some of the brokenness but you can't escape the emotions and life experiences that have brought you where you are!!
This time, you aren't choosing a helpmate and companion to build your life with...more than likely the pool from which you are choosing is floating around on the same kind of life raft you are, just in a different color. They may bring with them a different array of things which can include children, debt, foreclosure, bankruptcy, good memories, bad memories and heaven forbid, a deer head or a huge Bass that's been mounted! No doubt this person will have experienced love, laughter, joy, disappointment, hurt and has just as many, if not more fears than you have about the future.
I spend a lot of time wondering WHO, in their right mind, would be interested in me and the "baggage" that has become MY LIFE? I see myself as a 42 year old, overweight, brunette with too much gray who has three children in three very different stages of life. Guys don't take much notice of me, let alone the opportunity to get to know who I am. There are things about me I can't change (my age); things I can (my hair color); things I would never want to change (the fact that I have three adorable children who mean the world to me) and things I would love to change (my weight). Guys tend to overlook the fact that I'm self-sufficient. They don't seem to care that I took the time to take care of me and my kids rather than jump from relationship to relationship trying to fill that void. They don't want to fall in love with or help support "someone else's kids". Oh...they may have noticed the fact that I lost quite a bit of weight after my divorce, but I'm sure they also recognize I could lose more. They occasionally notice the hint of red I like to put in my hair to cover the gray. I get compliments on my smile, my personality, my sense of humor, but no one has really every taken the opportunity to get to know DANA! If they choose to identify me by my past and what I carry with me, that's their loss...there is a kind, compassionate, funny, God-fearing female under the fluff and as ridiculous as it may seem, she still believes in Happily Ever After.
I don't mean to say that no one has ever shown an interest. Thank God that has not been the case or I would certainly be in a Blue's Bar somewhere making money on my sad lyrics. When someone does show interest, their baggage seems to get in the way of my ultimate destination. As you set down the path of a new relationship, you must get in the car (or the truck if that's what you prefer) together, not knowing the final destination. You must be prepared for car trouble and mishaps along they way because they can and most likely will occur. Sometimes the children and financial woes you bring along for the ride can cause bumps along the path. Other times an ex may climb in the car and change the whole course of travel you had planned. At times, addiction which is out of control can cause a crash so catastrophic that the journey quickly ends. And still there are others who stay in their own car, refusing to get in yours because its easier for them to take the bypass around the busy part of the highway. That busy part of the highway is where you learn to share again, where you put two families in the same car and blaze unchartered territory, that is where you learn to trust again and more than anything, you learn to open your heart and love again. I refuse to let my past car trouble prevent me from traveling with a companion in the future. I may have to get in and out of a few more cars. When packing the vehicle for the journey, the biggest decision is determining if this person means enough to you that you are willing to pack the car together...even if it means tying a deer mount to the luggage rack of the minivan.
But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
Fast forward 20 years...
In those 20 years we built a home together, we built a family together, we incurred debt together and experienced life together...just the two of us. In the beginning we were showered with gifts, we earned our college degrees, took on jobs/careers that afforded us the ability to buy lots of "stuff". We brought three children into our family, two through birth and one through adoption, and were showered with gifts through each blessing. We experienced the miscarriage of our first child conceived. We experienced the death of friends and family members. We shared laughs and memories too numerous to list. And then...it abruptly ended in divorce and we were forced to split the "stuff", share the kids and bury the happy memories. I was left picking up pieces of a broken heart and facing the future...for the first time...alone.
Fast forward 4 more years...
Eventually, after a divorce or a breakup from your significant other, you begin thinking that maybe...just maybe...you want to fill the void...the emptiness...and you have the desire to find another "helpmate". This time however, in your quest for a relationship, you bring with you your children, your ex and his family, your bills, your furniture, Longaberger baskets you can't seem to sell knowing how much money you have invested in them, past memories, tons of disappointment, hurt and fears. After four years, you may have recovered from some of the debt, the poor self-esteem issues and some of the brokenness but you can't escape the emotions and life experiences that have brought you where you are!!
This time, you aren't choosing a helpmate and companion to build your life with...more than likely the pool from which you are choosing is floating around on the same kind of life raft you are, just in a different color. They may bring with them a different array of things which can include children, debt, foreclosure, bankruptcy, good memories, bad memories and heaven forbid, a deer head or a huge Bass that's been mounted! No doubt this person will have experienced love, laughter, joy, disappointment, hurt and has just as many, if not more fears than you have about the future.
I spend a lot of time wondering WHO, in their right mind, would be interested in me and the "baggage" that has become MY LIFE? I see myself as a 42 year old, overweight, brunette with too much gray who has three children in three very different stages of life. Guys don't take much notice of me, let alone the opportunity to get to know who I am. There are things about me I can't change (my age); things I can (my hair color); things I would never want to change (the fact that I have three adorable children who mean the world to me) and things I would love to change (my weight). Guys tend to overlook the fact that I'm self-sufficient. They don't seem to care that I took the time to take care of me and my kids rather than jump from relationship to relationship trying to fill that void. They don't want to fall in love with or help support "someone else's kids". Oh...they may have noticed the fact that I lost quite a bit of weight after my divorce, but I'm sure they also recognize I could lose more. They occasionally notice the hint of red I like to put in my hair to cover the gray. I get compliments on my smile, my personality, my sense of humor, but no one has really every taken the opportunity to get to know DANA! If they choose to identify me by my past and what I carry with me, that's their loss...there is a kind, compassionate, funny, God-fearing female under the fluff and as ridiculous as it may seem, she still believes in Happily Ever After.
I don't mean to say that no one has ever shown an interest. Thank God that has not been the case or I would certainly be in a Blue's Bar somewhere making money on my sad lyrics. When someone does show interest, their baggage seems to get in the way of my ultimate destination. As you set down the path of a new relationship, you must get in the car (or the truck if that's what you prefer) together, not knowing the final destination. You must be prepared for car trouble and mishaps along they way because they can and most likely will occur. Sometimes the children and financial woes you bring along for the ride can cause bumps along the path. Other times an ex may climb in the car and change the whole course of travel you had planned. At times, addiction which is out of control can cause a crash so catastrophic that the journey quickly ends. And still there are others who stay in their own car, refusing to get in yours because its easier for them to take the bypass around the busy part of the highway. That busy part of the highway is where you learn to share again, where you put two families in the same car and blaze unchartered territory, that is where you learn to trust again and more than anything, you learn to open your heart and love again. I refuse to let my past car trouble prevent me from traveling with a companion in the future. I may have to get in and out of a few more cars. When packing the vehicle for the journey, the biggest decision is determining if this person means enough to you that you are willing to pack the car together...even if it means tying a deer mount to the luggage rack of the minivan.
But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
Monday, August 20, 2012
Vacation and Candles and Curt
I didn't realize I had never posted after returning from vacation. My kids and I went to Florida...without Curt obviously. I want to thank my Mom for making it possible. We took her car and she paid for the gas and we had a very laid back unstressed week...except for an incident with my 18 year old that I am trying to forget and will not re-hash.
My friend, Lori Jo and her son, Jacob also went with us. While I am usually a very outgoing and talkative person...I pretty much shut down that week and did a lot of thinking...and crying. While I'm pretty sure that my Mom and my daughters and Lori Jo knew I was in a "funk" they let me be and didn't push me and I am so greatful for that...because I needed it.
Literally EVERYTHING reminded me of Curt Davis...and while I mentioned his name a lot, I didn't want anyone to realize how much he was on my mind. I was haunted by his presence and while I wanted him there with me I also needed to let go so I could move on. There were a thousand times I didn't mention him and kept my thoughts to myself because I was afraid my family would think I was obsessed with thoughts of him. Actually...I think I was!!!
My ocean therapy consisted of listening to music...writing in the sand...crying into the sea...I have pics of my sand writing therapy...
This past Saturday, Edison and I ran some errands in town and while we were there, I asked him if he wanted to go get a flower and put on Curt's grave. He told me he did and then he asked, "Are you going to cry?" and I said "No, I'm not going to cry this time." He said, "When Curt died, you cried a lot because you were sad." and I said, "Yes, I did...I cried because I missed him." He said, "I still miss him." and I said, "I still miss him too Edison." And then he said something that broke my heart..."When you are so sad, it is scary to me." I told him I was sorry that I scared him and I knew that it must have been scary to see me crying and sad all the time. I told him I was much better and that we could still miss Curt without all the crying. At least he won't see me cry.
I'm the one who puts the red rose on Curt's grave. I would like to do it more often than I do, but I don't go into Lancaster very often and when I do, it is usually after the florist is closed. Shon Hampton, owner of Family Crafts and Flowers gives me a red rose for free for Curt. Shon lost her husband in an accident many years ago. They had not been married long. Shon has been so sweet to me, so understanding of my feelings. Although Curt and I were not married, she understands losing that "new love" and all the "what ifs" and the unanswered questions that will always remain. Shon remarried and had a child who is now grown and also married. She reminds me that even though I feel like I may never find it again...that I will and that life moves on and happiness is out there.
While in Shon's shop the other day, I decided to buy Curt's favorite candle...a Hot Maple Toddy Candleberry Candle. Curt was obsessed with cleaning his house with Pine Sol and Lysol and always had at least one if not two or three Candleberry Candles burning. He had even had me stop three different times to pick up one for him. And then I remembered a Curt story having to do with a fire...in the house...
Let me go blow out my candle...it's time for bed.
My friend, Lori Jo and her son, Jacob also went with us. While I am usually a very outgoing and talkative person...I pretty much shut down that week and did a lot of thinking...and crying. While I'm pretty sure that my Mom and my daughters and Lori Jo knew I was in a "funk" they let me be and didn't push me and I am so greatful for that...because I needed it.
Literally EVERYTHING reminded me of Curt Davis...and while I mentioned his name a lot, I didn't want anyone to realize how much he was on my mind. I was haunted by his presence and while I wanted him there with me I also needed to let go so I could move on. There were a thousand times I didn't mention him and kept my thoughts to myself because I was afraid my family would think I was obsessed with thoughts of him. Actually...I think I was!!!
"I dropped a tear in the ocean, and whenever they find it I'll stop loving you, only then." ~author unknownBy the time I was driving home, I realized I was ready to move on - that I needed to move on. It doesn't mean that I haven't cried more tears...actually I shed a few on my way to work this morning, but I know Curt would want me to keep going. He knew the struggles I had been through and he would have never wanted me to go back to the darkness he had brought me out of. I know that.
My ocean therapy consisted of listening to music...writing in the sand...crying into the sea...I have pics of my sand writing therapy...
This past Saturday, Edison and I ran some errands in town and while we were there, I asked him if he wanted to go get a flower and put on Curt's grave. He told me he did and then he asked, "Are you going to cry?" and I said "No, I'm not going to cry this time." He said, "When Curt died, you cried a lot because you were sad." and I said, "Yes, I did...I cried because I missed him." He said, "I still miss him." and I said, "I still miss him too Edison." And then he said something that broke my heart..."When you are so sad, it is scary to me." I told him I was sorry that I scared him and I knew that it must have been scary to see me crying and sad all the time. I told him I was much better and that we could still miss Curt without all the crying. At least he won't see me cry.
I'm the one who puts the red rose on Curt's grave. I would like to do it more often than I do, but I don't go into Lancaster very often and when I do, it is usually after the florist is closed. Shon Hampton, owner of Family Crafts and Flowers gives me a red rose for free for Curt. Shon lost her husband in an accident many years ago. They had not been married long. Shon has been so sweet to me, so understanding of my feelings. Although Curt and I were not married, she understands losing that "new love" and all the "what ifs" and the unanswered questions that will always remain. Shon remarried and had a child who is now grown and also married. She reminds me that even though I feel like I may never find it again...that I will and that life moves on and happiness is out there.
While in Shon's shop the other day, I decided to buy Curt's favorite candle...a Hot Maple Toddy Candleberry Candle. Curt was obsessed with cleaning his house with Pine Sol and Lysol and always had at least one if not two or three Candleberry Candles burning. He had even had me stop three different times to pick up one for him. And then I remembered a Curt story having to do with a fire...in the house...
Curt was feeding the horses early one morning, Gabby was in the living room watching tv and I was still snuggled in bed. It was cold outside. There was a candle burning in the bedroom and it had been burning all night. I heard a pop and a crack and didn't think much about it but then I thought...that could have been that candle. I rolled over and to my surprise, there was a fire on the bedside table and then I looked in the floor and there were three more tiny fires which were getting bigger. I stayed calm and I yelled for Gabby..."Gabby?? I don't want you to freak out but I need you to bring me a pitcher of water in here." She came running down the hall and her eyes got huge and she said "Where's Daddy?" and I said, "It's okay, he's feeding the horses, I just need some water." She ran and got the water...handed it to me over the fire, threw open the back door and yelled at the top of her lungs..."DADDY, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!" By that time, I had poured water on each of the four flames and was trying to wave the smoke out of the room to keep the smoke alarm from going off. I was waiting for the jar to cool to start picking up the pieces which had burst into 4 big chunks and lots of little slivers. Melted wax was EVERYWHERE. Of course, Curt couldn't hear Gabby because he was up at the barn. She was getting her boots on to go get him and I called him on the phone and said, "Ummmm...there's been a fire at your house but I've got it under control. It's out and I'm cleaning up the mess." When he got to the house, I had a butter knife scraping up the cold wax and we cleaned up the glass together. We learned a lesson...never leave a jar candle burning unattended, especially at night while you are sleeping. There were so many what ifs that could have happened...what if I would have been fully asleep and not heard the pop and the crack...what if we had both been sleeping...what if I hadn't rolled over...what if the bed had caught on fire...or the sock that one of the flames landed next to...we were going through all of the scenarios. I said, what if I had been trapped and couldn't get out? And he said, "Honey...I promise I would have busted through these flimsy walls to save you...I'm pretty sure I could do it...or you could have just jumped out the window right there and not even broke a fingernail."
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