My friend, Lori Jo and her son, Jacob also went with us. While I am usually a very outgoing and talkative person...I pretty much shut down that week and did a lot of thinking...and crying. While I'm pretty sure that my Mom and my daughters and Lori Jo knew I was in a "funk" they let me be and didn't push me and I am so greatful for that...because I needed it.
Literally EVERYTHING reminded me of Curt Davis...and while I mentioned his name a lot, I didn't want anyone to realize how much he was on my mind. I was haunted by his presence and while I wanted him there with me I also needed to let go so I could move on. There were a thousand times I didn't mention him and kept my thoughts to myself because I was afraid my family would think I was obsessed with thoughts of him. Actually...I think I was!!!
"I dropped a tear in the ocean, and whenever they find it I'll stop loving you, only then." ~author unknownBy the time I was driving home, I realized I was ready to move on - that I needed to move on. It doesn't mean that I haven't cried more tears...actually I shed a few on my way to work this morning, but I know Curt would want me to keep going. He knew the struggles I had been through and he would have never wanted me to go back to the darkness he had brought me out of. I know that.
My ocean therapy consisted of listening to music...writing in the sand...crying into the sea...I have pics of my sand writing therapy...
This past Saturday, Edison and I ran some errands in town and while we were there, I asked him if he wanted to go get a flower and put on Curt's grave. He told me he did and then he asked, "Are you going to cry?" and I said "No, I'm not going to cry this time." He said, "When Curt died, you cried a lot because you were sad." and I said, "Yes, I did...I cried because I missed him." He said, "I still miss him." and I said, "I still miss him too Edison." And then he said something that broke my heart..."When you are so sad, it is scary to me." I told him I was sorry that I scared him and I knew that it must have been scary to see me crying and sad all the time. I told him I was much better and that we could still miss Curt without all the crying. At least he won't see me cry.
I'm the one who puts the red rose on Curt's grave. I would like to do it more often than I do, but I don't go into Lancaster very often and when I do, it is usually after the florist is closed. Shon Hampton, owner of Family Crafts and Flowers gives me a red rose for free for Curt. Shon lost her husband in an accident many years ago. They had not been married long. Shon has been so sweet to me, so understanding of my feelings. Although Curt and I were not married, she understands losing that "new love" and all the "what ifs" and the unanswered questions that will always remain. Shon remarried and had a child who is now grown and also married. She reminds me that even though I feel like I may never find it again...that I will and that life moves on and happiness is out there.
While in Shon's shop the other day, I decided to buy Curt's favorite candle...a Hot Maple Toddy Candleberry Candle. Curt was obsessed with cleaning his house with Pine Sol and Lysol and always had at least one if not two or three Candleberry Candles burning. He had even had me stop three different times to pick up one for him. And then I remembered a Curt story having to do with a fire...in the house...
Curt was feeding the horses early one morning, Gabby was in the living room watching tv and I was still snuggled in bed. It was cold outside. There was a candle burning in the bedroom and it had been burning all night. I heard a pop and a crack and didn't think much about it but then I thought...that could have been that candle. I rolled over and to my surprise, there was a fire on the bedside table and then I looked in the floor and there were three more tiny fires which were getting bigger. I stayed calm and I yelled for Gabby..."Gabby?? I don't want you to freak out but I need you to bring me a pitcher of water in here." She came running down the hall and her eyes got huge and she said "Where's Daddy?" and I said, "It's okay, he's feeding the horses, I just need some water." She ran and got the water...handed it to me over the fire, threw open the back door and yelled at the top of her lungs..."DADDY, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!" By that time, I had poured water on each of the four flames and was trying to wave the smoke out of the room to keep the smoke alarm from going off. I was waiting for the jar to cool to start picking up the pieces which had burst into 4 big chunks and lots of little slivers. Melted wax was EVERYWHERE. Of course, Curt couldn't hear Gabby because he was up at the barn. She was getting her boots on to go get him and I called him on the phone and said, "Ummmm...there's been a fire at your house but I've got it under control. It's out and I'm cleaning up the mess." When he got to the house, I had a butter knife scraping up the cold wax and we cleaned up the glass together. We learned a lesson...never leave a jar candle burning unattended, especially at night while you are sleeping. There were so many what ifs that could have happened...what if I would have been fully asleep and not heard the pop and the crack...what if we had both been sleeping...what if I hadn't rolled over...what if the bed had caught on fire...or the sock that one of the flames landed next to...we were going through all of the scenarios. I said, what if I had been trapped and couldn't get out? And he said, "Honey...I promise I would have busted through these flimsy walls to save you...I'm pretty sure I could do it...or you could have just jumped out the window right there and not even broke a fingernail."
I love you Dana, your blogs, your honesty, your sand therapy.
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