The Lonely Lightning Bug

In ways it seems it just happened and in other ways it seems forever ago.  When I think of that day, April 25, 2012, it comes in flashes...talking to him, getting a phone call that he was found unresponsive, leaving work in a panic, driving, making frantic phone calls, meeting my mom and dad, getting in their car, receiving the call that confirmed my worst fear...arriving at the scene, seeing his truck, the yellow POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape, meeting his mother for the very first time, seeing his daughter, his family, my phone blowing up with calls and messages, my very best friends coming to be by my side, being interviewed by KSP, a white sheet covered stretcher, the Coroner's van driving away, my Facebook status that said "My heart is broken..."

In shock is where I was one year ago, my heart once again shattered, but somewhere along the way I was able to pick up the pieces and somehow continue living this

complicated
confusing
unpredictable
sometimes unbearable
crazy thing we call life

I have leaned on my family and true friends for support.  I've made new friends, I have lost "friends", I got closer to a few and grew apart from others. To everyone who has been there...I am forever grateful! 

Grief recovery is difficult.  In and of itself, grief is complicated, confusing, unpredictable, sometimes unbearable and will make you feel like you are going crazy! A person is forced to deal with grief by also facing everyday life, and that, in and of itself, is not always so easy. 

Curt Davis passed away on an unseasonably warm April afternoon. As I recall, we had experienced several days of warm weather.  I left the place where we had all gathered and went to Curt's house to pick up Mason...his dog who became mine that day.  At some point, I arrived at my Mom and Dad's house and as night fell, I saw a lonely lightning bug in the distance.  Lost in the muddle of everything that was crossing my mind, I somehow made a mental note that I was seeing the first lightning bug of the season.  Quietly, I was searching for any sign that God was in control of this complicated, confusing, unpredictable, unbearable situation, and I would later find out that He sent a lightning bug.    

The next afternoon, Emily said, "Mom, you are going to think I'm crazy, but I think God sent a lightning bug to let me know that Curt is okay and that you're gonna be okay too."  Remembering the lone lightning bug I saw in the distance the night before, I asked her to tell me more.  She said that as I was standing outside talking with my friends, she was standing behind me and that a lightning bug flew all around the back of my head, lighting up repeatedly.  She told me it was the only one she saw that night and everywhere I would move the lightning bug stayed with me.  She said, "It was like Curt...following you everywhere."  She said it gave her a little bit of peace.  I told her my story and we wondered if it was the same lightning bug. 

I shared our lightning bug story with my friend, Kathy, and asked if we were crazy.  She shared with me a similar story...an experience with another of God's creatures that she experienced after her husband passed away.  I also recall a family who has no doubt that a butterfly was sent as their message of hope immediately following the loss of their son/brother. 

But my lightning bug story doesn't end there...it goes one step further...about a week later.  My cousin, Lisa and I, were sitting on my front porch at dusk. Directly across the road from my house, were hundreds of lightning bugs, doing their little dance and lighting up like crazy.  Lisa, having no idea that Emily and I had lightning bug stories said, "Look at all those lightning bugs!  I have not seen one at my house.  I guess because they are all down here!" 

Confirmation...

The Firefly -  representing the light that Curt brought into my life, if only for a short season and a reminder that God is always lighting my path, even when I close my eyes refusing to see it.  I thank God for all of His creation, the people he has sent into my life, a sweet dog named Mason and for sending fireflies each Spring to remind me that everything is going to be okay.  For the changing seasons on this Earth and His patience with me through the changing seasons in my life.  For the realization that above all, I need to seek His will for my life as he lights the darkness...

From "All My Life" by The Band Perry..."Would you catch a thousand fireflies, yeah put them in a lamp to light my world.  All dressed up in a tux and bow tie hand delivered to a lonely girl."