Mama Knows Best

I am a person who gets overwhelmed. I wouldn't say that I get "easily" overwhelmed --- its just that ten stressful things always seem to happen to me at one time and then I get overwhelmed. I feel like I don't know how to cope or where to turn! During those times, I scream and yell, I get angry and I CRY - uncontrollably - and I hate that!

In the past I took medication for fibromyalgia and related depression. When I feel like I need to blame myself for some part of my marriage going bad, I like to blame the medication. Whether it was the medications I took to control the depression and the symptoms of pain associated with fibromyalgia or whether it was the depression and fibro that caused me to need the medication to deal with life, I cannot differentiate but I do know that when I was "medicated" that I was constantly tired, I slept way too much, I was unmotivated and medically classified as "morbidly obese". (Yeah, I just typed that!)

Soon after separating from Wasband, I began seeing a new doctor. I didn't feel like my medication was working the way it was supposed to. I talked to him about my feelings --- of course I was depressed, my husband of almost 20 years had left me for a younger, skinnier woman, I had lost 70% of my income when he walked out, I was stressed over money and the fact that I had inherited the "hunting truck" that was having major mechanical problems, I had a toddler, a tween and a teen who were all grieving in different ways, I had moved to a much smaller house, I was way overweight, my self-esteem had been shot to hell, shall I continue? I knew I probably needed drugs to get me through this. Regardless of all of these things going on, I was still dealing with the widespread pain throughout my body and that is what I wanted to fix. There were some new fibro drugs on the market that helped with both depression and fibro symptoms and he gave me some samples. I absolutely loved this new drug and the good thing was that it replaced all the other stuff and so I was weaned off the other meds. Even better was the fact that I quickly began losing weight and that made me feel good about ME!

Fast forward to no more free samples and trying to get my health insurance to cover the new drug. They wouldn't and at any other time in my life, I would have fought them until I won, but there was no fight left in me. My whole life was a fight and the last thing I needed to add to my list was an insurance conglomerate! My solution - I just quit taking everything!

My mother, who is also a Registered Nurse, almost freaked out when she learned that I was not taking anything for my depression or fibromyalgia. I told her then and I've told her many times since that I'm not depressed. I just get overwhelmed and who wouldn't in my shoes? And yes, sometimes I am full of anxiety, but it's all situational to my life! I wanted to face the crap that was happening in my life HEAD ON! I didn't want these raw feelings to be numbed by some crazy pill because I knew that if I could get through this and feel every single stab of the pain, that I could deal with ANYTHING life had to bring! I believe that then and I truly believe that now.

NOTE: For those of you who do take some sort of medication to deal with medical problems and life issues, I do not want you to feel that I am judging you or that I am opposed to taking medication under a doctor's care. Like I said, I have been medicated in the past and it was a wonderful thing for me during a different point in my life. It just didn't think it was what I needed at that or in this particular time of my life. Power to the Paxil and Prozac!!!! I have a sign that used to hang in my kitchen given to me by my sister. It said "God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends." There was never a statement so true :-)

So, after being off ALL medications for almost a year, I like to think of Dr. Phil asking, "Dana, how's that workin' for ya?" and I would say this.

• I have lost more than 45 lbs (215 if you count losing Wasband - LOL)
• I do not need a nap every day (but I choose to take one on Sunday afternoon)
• I have tons more energy (and I need it to chase after Little Man)
• I care about things again (my life, my health, my appearance, my house)
• I feel emotions (it's no fun to feel dead - I would rather feel the hurt than nothing at all)

There was a time in my life that I was depressed. I became depressed when Wasband shut me out of his life and this happened long before I realized what was going on. Many years ago, I had a husband who adored me and our children. I was spoiled and I became too comfortable in that role. Long before I was clued in, I stopped receiving what I needed from him. He was no longer there for me mentally, physically or emotionally and I admit that I shut down. I don't know that I can ever forgive the choices he made when he realized he was unhappy. They were not fair to either myself or our three children. His choices shattered my heart and like I said, I'm feeling every stab wound from the brokenness while trying my best to mend it.

I continue to have things happen in my life that cause me to feel overwhelmed and anxious and on most nights, I don't get much sleep. But my mother told me something the other night that I would list as a "defining moment" in my life. We were talking on the phone and I was complaining about all of the things that were going on in my life. Bless her heart, I'm sure I sound like a broken record to her. She has been there for me over and over and over again. She said "I don't know how to say this, but I'm going to try." I was thinking "oh great, what is this gonna be about" and I don't remember her exact words but she told me that she knew I got upset about things in my life, that she knew that I got lonely and that my life wasn't what I had planned and she knew things were hard for me. And then she told me that even through all of the difficulties that I had gone through and was experiencing now, that she saw me as a much happier, stronger person. That I was the Dana she remembered from a long time ago. Wow! Really? All I could say was "Mom, you're gonna make me cry - but, thanks?"

I've thought about her words a lot since then. Despite the fact that I continue to shed a lot of tears and I get really frustrated with my life sometimes, I think maybe I am a happier person and I know I am a much stronger woman. Regardless, I have come to one conclusion -- mother's know us best. We may get mad at them, have differences of opinion, struggle through teenage years and even into adulthood, but our mother's remember what we were like when we were little. They remember how we played when we didn't think anyone was watching us and how we treated others, what made us "tick". Mothers know our true personalities. They know the people we were before outside influences began shaping our lives.

Mom, you know I'm much better at writing my feelings than I am talking them - so this blog post is for you :-)

I LOVE YOU!