Sometimes...

For those of you who follow my blog, you know that I am not one to shy away from expressing my feelings.  I admit that I hold back somewhat because I never really know who is reading.  I also feel confident that none of you truly care about my feelings, or if you did, you are tired of listening by now.  Sometimes, the pain that I feel is so overwhelming I want to scream!  The biggest feeling I struggle with now and I have struggled with for some time is that of being lonely and the fear that I will leave this life lonely.  Unless you have truly experienced the loss of a spouse, either through a divorce that you did not want or through death, I don't think you can understand what I feel, nor do I want to feel it.

I can share with you this...I HATE it when people say...

• "God has a plan"  
• "The right guy will come along when you least expect him" 
• "Quit looking and love will happen"
• "You can never be lonely if you have God in your life"
• "Be patient"
• "You're looking in all the wrong places"

Trust me, you don't want to hear what goes through my mind when I hear one of these statements.  My response is usually "I know...you're right...someone's out there..." [with a big smile on my face while fighting back tears] and the truth is...maybe he is and maybe he isn't.  Maybe God's plan is that there is no right guy, that he will never come along, that whether I quit looking or not it may never happen, that I can have God in my life but still crave the companionship of a mate, that patience has absolutely nothing to do with it and if I looked in the "right places" I'm still never going to have this void filled.  There!!!  That's what I really feel.

Let me try to explain two of the loneliest experiences I have had since my divorce...

Scenario #1.  The loneliness of having surgery and being dropped off at home afterwards to an empty house with no one to do anything for you.  Now...I must admit that the outpatient clinics said that I was not to be left alone but that I begged my mother to do just that.  While I was in surgery the first time, my Dad broke his foot.  When my mom stopped at Wal-Mart to fill my prescription, she told me that my Dad was in the ER in another city.  Of course, she had to go be with him.  That's what spouses do and I wanted my mom to be with my dad, that's where she is supposed to be!  She dropped me off at my aunt's house and I went to her guest bedroom and cried myself back to sleep to sleep off the anesthesia.  My aunt took perfect care of me but that's not who I wanted...simple as that!  The second surgery, all I wanted to do was go inside my empty little house and cry again, mostly because the person who had relieved my mother from these duties 20 years earlier was no longer there. My mom is a nurse, she would have been a wonderful caretaker, but the point is she is not the person that should be taking care of me at this point in my life!

Scenario #2.  The loneliness of waking up on Christmas morning and your children, one who still believes in Santa Clause, are not there.  Christmas morning...a day when you feel like everyone else in the world is waking up to wonder and excitement and you don't even want to wake up, let alone get out of bed.  Thankfully that feeling only comes every other year and yes...this is the year.  I try to pass it off as "Oh, I'll save money...I don't have to buy extra gifts from Santa..." but that is bull crap!!!  No mother who celebrates Christmas wants to wake up on Christmas morning to quiet, empty, loneliness.  Yes, I know it's a "season" but December 25th is Christmas morning...that's when parents celebrate the santa/gift part of the holiday with their children! 

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for my family and friends because they are truly wonderful.  After both surgeries, my mother knew that I was struggling with some difficult feelings and when I say I begged her to leave me alone, it doesn't mean that she didn't call to check on me or send others by the house to keep me company.  The last Christmas when I was without children, I had some friends bring gifts by the house so I would have something to open on Christmas morning.  My sister invited me to her house for breakfast with her family and they too, had gifts and made me feel very special.  I am thankful that people try to fill the void in my life.  I am blessed to be a Believer and to have great friends and wonderful family.

My point is that sometimes...the loneliness cannot be filled by others and I don't know how to "fix" that.

iLove my iPhone and my kids too!

Has it been 4 months since I last posted?  Indeed it has...

The past few days have been difficult for me and I don't really know why.  I think I'm depressed that Steve Jobs died.  Is that possible?  I never met him but his ideas intrigue me and he was obviously an incredible man!!  He's been likened to the Thomas Edison or Henry Ford of our generation.  No doubt he has earned a page in the history books with his innovative and creative technological breakthroughs. 

Apple = iTunes, iPod, iPad, iPhone

My favorite gadget of all time...the iPhone

• The device I feel I cannot live without. 
• My link to friends and family.  
• My source of world, national, state and local news. 
• My sense of direction and GPS. 
• My alarm clock.
• My check register.
• My newspaper.
• My entertainment. 
• I can Google, surf the internet, check my Facebook and message people.
• I can look up words in a dictionary and find out how to pronounce them.
• I can practice my Spanish and learn new words.
• I can order a pizza from Papa Johns.
• I can determine which shade of OPI nail color I need.
• I take photos and edit them.
• I take videos and splice them.
• I watch movies and listen to Podcasts.
• I check my e-mail.
• I maintain 1030 songs which would be approximately 85 CDs.
• I always have the Holy Bible with me.
• I always have a flashlight, phone and iPod handy.
• This device helps me determine how I should dress myself and my son depending on the weather.
• It's the object of whose whereabouts I know more than my own son always know. 
• The piece of equipment I carry with me from room to room
• "my precious"
• MY iPHONE

Steve Jobs' dream became my reality and for that I am greatful.  I found out yesterday that Steve Jobs was adopted.  In 1955, his birthmother made an adoption plan.  Mr. and Mrs. Jobs gave him opportunities he may not have had if he had remained with his birth family.  As a matter of fact, his birthmother could have chosen abortion and if that had been the case, we would have never been introduced to Apple products, a Mac computer or the handy little touch screen gadgets so many of us are now accustomed.  While thanks should be given to his adoptive family for giving him the opportunity to be creative, many thanks goes to his birth family for giving him the opportunity to BE! 

All three of my children have iPod Touches and my daughters' each beg for an iPhone.  Myself?  I would really like to have an iPad for Christmas. 

And now for an update on the MOST important things in my life...my kids...

We recently celebrated Emily's 18th birthday.  That.  is.  crazy.  It seems not long ago Wasband and I had chosen two names.  Austin Cade for a boy and Emily Ann-Katherine for a girl.  We had decorated a precious nursery in mint green with a Hey Diddle Diddle theme.  I admit I was not that thrilled the Saturday she was born when I was told SHE was a girl.  I don't know why...for some reason I had convinced myself she was a boy.  It didn't take long at all for me to fall in love with my beautiful baby girl - the first to call me "Mama".  She has always been a very pretty child with gorgeous auburn hair, big brown eyes and a beautiful smile.  Anyone who spent much time at all with us quickly learned that Emily was born with an attitude.  If you can recall her fiery spirit at 8 days, 8 months or 8 years...try 18 years!  She's still as headstrong as ever and I love her more everyday as she is maturing into a young lady I am very proud of.  My dream for Emily is that she not get so hung up on being 18 that she misses out on the freedom of being dependent on her family.  Life Happens before you know it and you wonder where all the time went.

Kensley is playing soccer for two teams.  She plays on the local recreation league with what will be her Middle School team in the spring and had the opportunity to play on the high school JV soccer team as an 8th grader this fall.  In my opinion, she has awesome abilities as I've watched her develop into a more aggressive and competitive player!  She absolutely loves the sport and I enjoy watching her play although 7 days a week of soccer is wearing this soccer mom OUT!!!  Kensley is doing well in school and just tonight one of her teachers approached me at the football game to tell me how much he truly enjoyed having her in class.  He talked about how smart she is, how sweet and kind and how he enjoys her sense of humor.  That's my Kensley!!!  Of course I think she is beautiful too.  Her big brown eyes are full of life and she has a gorgeous smile that deserves to be on a toothpaste commercial.  She makes the funniest faces, can quickly change the lyrics to any song she's singing, loves music, and can quote movies galore.  Along with Kensley's love of music comes her enjoyment of dancing.  I continue to encourage her to dance as if no one is watching...even if they are...because she is really good!

Edison is in preschool this year and is crazy about his teacher, Mrs. Adams.  He's also playing soccer and scored three "golds" at one game and two at another.  He was so proud of himself and of course, this soccer mom is his biggest fan!  His attention span on the soccer field is very short and quite frequently you will hear the coach say, "Edison, pay attention!"  "Edison, watch the ball!"  "Hey Edison, go go go!" or my personal favorite... "Where's Edison?" (because he's on the sideline talking to me or getting a drink).  He keeps all of us laughing with the funny things he says and continues to insist that we answer all of his "why" questions.  For the most part, he keeps me smiling, it's the whining I can do without.  He is smart, super cute and rotten to the core!  Another soccer mom asked me the other day..."how do you discipline him? he is so cute I don't think I could if he was mine!"  Of course, right at that time, he was running around the soccer field laughing and my goodness, when he laughs, he has the sweetest smile and  little dimple on his left cheek that would melt the Grinch's heart!  It's not always easy, but I try my best.  After disciplining him for something the other day he said "Mom, you are mean!" and he kept saying over and over in the back seat "You are a mean mom!".  I quietly responded by saying, "When you say that I'm mean...that means I'm doing my job!"  He looked at me and then he hushed and a few minutes later said "You are my best mommy."  Yes, my heart melted all over again for the love I have for that boy!

Memories of Miss Perry

One of my all-time favorite people passed away this weekend. She had been sick for awhile and I’m mad at myself for not taking the time to go visit her -- to hear her laugh just one more time and to let her know just how much she meant to me through many different phases of my life! I’ve thought about her all weekend and with those thoughts came flooding back many memories of my elementary and high school days, old school buildings, old friends --- precious memories!



Cindy Perry was 59 years old. She was my music teacher, my cheerleading sponsor, many times my second mom and mostly, my friend! The first thing I thought of when I heard that she had passed away was all the times she would tightly wrap me in her arms and say “come cry into my bosom!” She had a well-endowed “bosom” and I cried many teenage tears as she listened to my drama and told me “that everything will be okay.”


I’ve thought a lot about where her classroom sat in the old Camp Dick Robinson school building. If you walked through the side entrance, stepped up onto the main floor, took a left into the main hallway, her class was the last room on the right. The piano was at the front of the room on the right hand side, next to the windows. I also remember the new high backed yellow plastic chairs that brightened her room at some point during my 8 years at CDR.


Her classroom was right next door to the door that led to the creepy basement. The basement was not as creepy as the coal room, but still, it was dark and damp and had steep open stairs. When you got to the bottom of the stairs, sitting on the wall to the left, was a COKE machine. It held 10 oz. bottles and it also contained Miss Perry’s favorite drink, TAB Cola. I’m wondering how many times she gave me change to go down into the basement with a friend to retrieve a TAB for her. It was the type of machine where you lifted the top like a cooler and the colas hung from their neck down into the bottom. You would insert your money and have to maneuver the cola out of its row and up through the gadget that would free it. If you didn’t get it freed on the first attempt, you lost your money and that was NOT a good thing! The best part of the COKE, SPRITE, TAB was that they were ALWAYS so cold, that there was ice floating inside. If I could, I would drink an icy TAB Cola in memory of Miss Perry, right now!


Miss Perry had lots of other favorite things. Among them were Cheetos, bells, Garfield the cat and Penguins. She also always had a fish tank, either in her classroom at school or at her house, and she almost always had a house cat. When I was in school she had Garfield paraphernalia everywhere! Her love of Garfield came AFTER her love of bells. I remember at Christmas time, everyone would give her a bell and then everyone started giving her Garfield themed stuff. By the time my kids went to school, she had developed an affinity for penguins. Her room was full of penguins and she shared lots of knowledge about them with her students. Anytime my daughters see a penguin, they say “Miss Perry would like that!”


She had the best bulletin boards and I have spent many an hour, tracing pictures with the overhead projector, cutting them out and then coloring them in with “magic markers” or crayons. My favorite bulletin board was her birthday bulletin board! It was on the wall across from her class room. It contained a big birthday cake and each student and teacher had a candle with their name and birthdate written sideways in cursive. The candles were switched out each month and a flame appeared over your candle on your BIG DAY. It was a way that made each of us feel special. Because of this bulletin board, I always remember that Stacy Grow and I share the same birthdate. Ours said December 10 and Miss Perry’s was a few candles down and said December 14.


Lots of people have recalled all of the good times we had in her music class. Anyone who ever attended Camp Dick Robinson Elementary School knows ALL 50 states in alphabetical order and some even know the Presidents in order of service. I still recite the Fifty Nifty United States song on occasion and have impressed numerous people with this knowledge through the years. She taught us all how to Square Dance and I still remember that my square dance partner, Jason Hensley, got sick on performance night and Shane Baker had to fill in for him. She taught us lots of memorable songs: A Man Who Had a Goat, There’s a Hole in the Bucket, Billy Boy, Let’s Go Fly a Kite, Grand Ol’ Flag, she taught us how to sing AND spell Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious, and who could ever forget the sad tale of Don Gato? Ask any child who recently had Ms. Perry as a teacher and I bet they will all want to climb aboard the Happy Train, know a song about Chocolate and can do the Reindeer Twist!


If you know what FACE and Every Good Boy Does Fine means, they you probably learned to read a little bit of music in her class. Many of us can still play a tune on a Recorder/Flute-a-phone. I can’t play the piano, but I know where to find middle C on a keyboard. I love to doodle, and many times you will find on my page my own renderings of musical staffs and notes, because I had to learn how to draw them in Miss Perry’s class.


Students who attended Camp Dick Robinson Elementary can all remember school plays. Each year, a very large production was held in the spring and at Christmas, complete with elaborate scenery, great costumes, helpful stagehands, lots of actors and actresses and a chorus! Who can remember the butterflies as you stood behind the curtain waiting for your turn to perform? One thing many of us recall is that even with the changing times, she continued to find ways to make sure CHRIST remained in Christmas at our school.


One thing I have to mention is her temper! We all know she had one and we all had a respectful fear of her. When she was mad, she would slam her music books down, her face would turn blood red and she could YELL --- LOUD! What was worse is when she would get quiet, sit at her piano bench and not say anything at all. No, I take that back, what was worse was when she would go to the chalkboard and write “I will not be disrespectful during music class”, turn around and quietly say, “Get a piece of paper, a pencil and write this 100 times without talking.” I would rather take the yelling because that would soon be over and everyone would be happy again than to have to write those darn sentences! I have to admit it made me happy when she would send me on an errand right before the whole class got in trouble to make sure I wouldn’t be and I remember many times when she would apologize for losing her temper in front of us. Hey, we all lose our temper sometimes and I’m a lot like her when I lose mine!


Miss Perry took over as CDR Cheerleading sponsor the first year I became a cheerleader. In fact, she was my cheerleading sponsor 6th, 7th and 8th grade and again when I was in the 11th grade at Garrard County High School. She continued to be the cheerleading coach for many, many years after that. Myself and so many young girls have wonderful memories of our time together and the love that she showed each of us. She was truly like a 2nd mom many times. Always listening to our teenage friend and boy drama and putting up with our testy attitudes and mood changes. I quit cheerleading my 11th grade year, mostly because she made me run one too many laps and caught me on a day when I had an attitude. I ended up finishing the season but did not cheer my senior year. Actually, we kind of “fell out” and didn’t talk to one another much, but something happened that soon changed that. The summer before my senior year, I got Bell’s Palsy. I was scared because I woke up one morning and the right side of my face was numb. I couldn’t blink my right eye, I couldn’t wrinkle my forehead, and I couldn’t smile on that side. My neck and ear ached and I was in severe pain. I remembered that Miss Perry had had Bell’s Palsy, so I called her and cried on the phone to her. I apologized for being a brat and told her that I regretted not cheering that year. She said she missed me and she had no hard feelings. From then on, everything was back to normal between me and her. In fact, I asked her to sing and play the piano when I got married. She was special to both Wasband and I as he was in first grade when she began teaching her very first year. Wasband and I used to laugh and say she knew something that we didn’t years before as she had both of us sing the Donkey solo at the Christmas play on our respective years of being in the class that sang that song. “I, said the Donkey, shaggy and brown, carried his mother, up hill and down, I carried his mother to Bethlehem town, I, said the donkey, shaggy and brown.” After Wasband left, she pulled me aside one day and said she hated to hear what was going on, told me how surprised she was to hear of our split, once again took me in her arms and gave me a big hug. I said, “yeah, I thought for sure that since we were both the Donkey, we were destined to be together.” She laughed and said, “yes, I nailed him a long time ago, he was a donkey, I should have had you sing something else.” Loved her sense of humor and will NEVER forget her laugh!


I know without a doubt that Cindy Perry loved me and my children and tons of other children who came before and after me. She was a wonderful friend to a lot of people and was especially fond of her only niece, Lydia. I am sure there is a new angel singing in heaven’s choir now that Cindy Perry has arrived. I am comforted knowing that she is now pain free in a glorified body living eternity in heaven. May you rest in peace Miss Perry, I love you!

Please feel free to share your memories...

His Name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid, Kid Rock!

Quick blog here.  I am so excited.  I can't believe the day is finally here that I get to see Kid Rock in concert.  I have 3rd row seats, on the upper deck, haha - but that's okay - I will be there!!!

I had to share the dream I had last night.  My BFF, Tawnya, is going with me.  Last night, in my dreams, we were at the concert, and for some strange reasons, we both had clear plastic shower caps on our head.  Evidently, that look was quite the rage, because lots of people were sporting them.  One time, I looked at Tawnya and I said, "My hair feels all crooked at the top, like my bangs aren't straight" and she said, "yep, your bangs are a little crooked, let me fix it for ya" and she adjusted the elastic band of the shower cap so that it was straight across my forehead.  Then I said, "I'm not sure if I like it above my ears or not" and she said, "I think you should wear it like mine, down over your ears."  She turned her head, and sure enough, she had the elastic band of her shower cap pulled completely down over top of her ears.  Mine of course, was tucked behind my ears.  I said, "I think I'll compromise" and adjusted mine so that the bottom of my earlobe was showing.

I have laughed about this all morning.  While I was taking Kensley to school, she heard me telling Tawnya about my dream and she was cracking up.  Before she got out of the car this morning, she said, "Mom, don't ever tell me something like that before I get out of the car again, I am going to be worried all day long that you are going to show up at the Kid Rock concert with a plastic shower cap on your head!"  Kensley was also mortified that her asst. principal posted on my Facebook page the other day that he was a little jealous that I was going to the concert.  Her words, "How mortifying that my Asst. Principal and my Mother are discussing a Kid Rock concert on Facebook where all my friends can see!"  (Teenagers!)

I'm pretty sure that the plastic shower caps represented our hair.  Tawyna and I have been discussing coloring our gray and I have been looking for hairstyles to cover the crease in my forehead.  Other than straight-across China style bangs, there just really isn't a style out there where a big portion of your forehead doesn't show.  I'm thinking Botox is my next option, but Tawyna thought I looked best with the straight across bangs - LOL!

I'm off to hop in the shower to start primping for tonight.  My facebook status states that I am as excited as a kid going to Disney World and that is the truth!  I've heard he puts on an awesome show and usually plays for about 2 hours :-)  Jamey Johnson will be there too, so that's a plus.

A big thanks to my BFF's hubby, Tyler.  When the girl I was supposed to go with had to back out, Tawnya was my obvious choice.  She likes Bob "Kid Rock" Ritchie, herself.  He informed Tawnya this morning that he thought the two of us were going through some mid-life wannabe Outlaws phase and the next thing we would be doing is buying a Harley!  Don't worry, Tyler...just sit back and enjoy the trashy side.

I'm sure there will be pictures and updates from my Facebook page tonight!!!!  Tune in :-)

Happy Anniversary To Me!!!

Today is Super Bowl Day!  I love NFL Football, I'm just not real excited about the two teams that made it to the championship game.  I'm an Indianapolis Colts fan!  You know, Peyton Manning, Joseph Addai, Jacob Tamme (who just happens to be a Kentucky boy from the county next door).  For some strange reason, the Jets were able to take down the Colts and prevented them from making the Super Bowl this year.  The Jets were also able to take out the Patriots (can you say Wes Welker and Tom Brady)?  Going into the playoffs, I wanted the Pittsburgh Steelers to take out the Jets.  The Jets had come far enough and needed to be stopped.  Now that the Steelers did their job, I am cheering for the Green Bay Packers!  No team, not even the Steelers, need to win 7 Lombardi trophies - come on!!! 

I have lots of friends who are Steelers fans but each and every time I see the Steelers logo, it takes me back to 3rd grade, and my boyfriend, Tommy Garrison.  He was the first boy to ever buy me a gift and guess what it was?  My very own box of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies.  Tommy was a huge Steelers fan and wore won of those big huge puffy black jackets with the Steelers logo on the back and the bright yellow lining on the inside.  So, thanks, Steelers, for bringing back a nice memory...but, really, I hope you all travel from Texas to Pennsylvania with nothing but maybe a little bit of pride left.  Go Pack Go!!!!  I'm a Wisconsin cheese head today :-)

Not only is today the Super Bowl, it is my two year Divorce Anniversary.  It's hard to believe that everything was finalized two years ago!!! 

I could sit here and write about lots of things:

• My lost childhood dream of marrying my sweetheart and living happily ever after.  
• The lost opportunity of growing old with the father of my three children.  
• The difficulties of watching my children grow up in two different homes.
• Having to share my children each week and through the holidays.
• The stress of working out the logistics of switching our children back and forth.
• Splitting costs of medical bills and sports activities fees.
• The sadness of knowing that the "sharing" will continue with my grandchildren.
• Shall I continue??????

I will not.  I have accepted the fact that some of these things will never happen and others have become part of my new life.  In two years, I have given myself time to heal, time to allow my children to adjust and began the process of moving forward with the new me!  Not long ago, I was riding in the car with my two girls and I told them that there was one thing I learned through my divorce that I hope they learn in their early 20s - to be independent and figure out who they are on their own, not as 1/2 of a couple - that can come later! I shared with them the fact that I moved from my house with my parents, into a dorm room, and then into my first house with their Dad (after we were married of course!).  I went from having my parents pay my bills and support me to having their Dad pay my bills and support me.  I told them that I wanted them to go to college, earn a degree that they will be happy with and one that will support them, and to live on their own for awhile.  I said, "sure, you can have a boyfriend if you want one" but don't totally depend on him because he may not always be there.  I told the girls that they need to learn to stand on their own two feet, to enjoy some alone time, pay their bills, learn how to take care of their cars, deal with creditors, set and empty mouse traps, they need to know how to do EVERYTHING by themselves and then realize that a helpmate is just that, a helpmate, and they are not needed for survival. 

This may sound harsh.  I don't think it came out quite so harsh when I was talking to them.  They know that I still believe in love and happily ever afters and I want those things for them more than anything.  I also know that love can die and happily ever afters sometime take a detour.  I drove it home saying, learn who you are while you are young --- that way, you won't be scared out of your mind and ready to shut down if you find yourself single and brokenhearted at age 38!  They were listening, now if they take Mama's advice...that remains to be seen :-)

The best thing about my life at this point is that I now see great things happening in my future that I couldn't see in the past.  I'm ready for the challenge of all things new.  I'm ready for some things to get a little easier.  I'll brace myself for the surprises and disappointments, knowing that I can get through them, because I've done a pretty darn good job over the past two years!


If I wanted to spend $2.49 on a greeting card and another 44 cents on a stamp, I would like to send a greeting card that said:

Dear Wasband,

Do you know what I miss about being married to you?

And the inside of the card would be blank, meaning NOTHING :-)

I'll save my money.  A gallon of gas is worth much more to me!

The Whisper Test and Finding Homes for Children Who Are "Born Different"

In church Sunday morning, my pastor, Bro. Kaywood Morris, shared with us a story at the end of his sermon.  He quoted "The Whisper Test," which was written by Mary Ann Bird.

I grew up knowing I was different, and I hated it. I was born with a cleft palate, and when I started school, my classmates made it clear to me how I looked to others: a little girl with a misshapen lip, crooked nose, lopsided teeth, and garbled speech. When schoolmates asked, "What happened to your lip?" I'd tell them I'd fallen and cut it on a piece of glass. Somehow it seemed more acceptable to have suffered an accident than to have been born different. I was convinced that no one outside my family could love me. There was, however, a teacher in the second grade whom we all adored -- Mrs. Leonard by name. She was short, round, happy -- a sparkling lady. Annually we had a hearing test. ... Mrs. Leonard gave the test to everyone in the class, and finally it was my turn. I knew from past years that as we stood against the door and covered one ear, the teacher sitting at her desk would whisper something, and we would have to repeat it back -- things like "The sky is blue" or "Do you have new shoes?" I waited there for those words that God must have put into her mouth, those seven words that changed my life. Mrs. Leonard said, in her whisper, "I wish you were my little girl."

For some reason, I started crying and had a hard time controlling the tears.  I looked over at my friend, Betsy,  and said "that made me cry..." and there was no tissue to be found.  Of course, Bro. Kaywood's point of telling this story was for listeners to realize that God sees all of us as sinners.  God can see past our sin and hopes that all of us will become a child of His - that we will all be adopted into God's kingdom --- but this passage spoke to me on so many more levels...


Most of you who know me, know that I work in the adoption field.  Specifically, I work with families who choose to adopt from China's special need program.  I have never done the math to determine how many adoptions I have been a part of in the 3.5 years I have worked with A Helping Hand Adoption Agency, but I think I may have to run a report this coming week to find out :-)

Over the past few years I have learned a lot about many different special needs.  Cleft Lip and Palate; Congenital Heart Defects (Ventricular Septal Defects, Atrial Septal Defects, Patent Ductus Arteriosis; Tetralogy of Fallot; and many others); Albinism; Hepatitis B; Anal Atresia and Imperforate Anus; Cerebral Palsy; Skin Nevus; Microtia; and numerous other medical conditions.  I have seen children on the waiting child list with conditions that we, in the United States, would not even consider a special need.

For example, my oldest daughter was born with Strabismus and esotropia caused by extreme farsightedness.  Had SHE been born in The People's Republic of China, she would have more than likely been abandoned once her eye condition was discovered and sent to an orphanage to wait for a family.  A pair of glasses has corrected both her eye alignment and vision since she was 2 years old!  Although I was upset that my daughter would have to wear corrective lenses all of her life, I never considered it a special need!  Sure, I grieved for a day or two that my daughter wasn't "perfect" but I didn't grieve for long because two weeks before my daughter was born, my cousin had also given birth to a little boy.  When he was 4 months old, they discovered that he was completely blind.  It didn't take me long to quickly realize that things can "always be worse" and I knew that God had given me what I could handle.

It is the parents who step out on faith and adopt the children who are unwanted and sometimes deemed "unadoptable" for which I have a HUGE respect.  Every parent can tell you how their child's special need has made them see life in a new way.  I have stories of families who thought they were adopting a child with special needs, only to come home, have the child evaluated by a specialist and told the child was completely healthy.  I've also known families who got to China only to find out that their child's special need was a little more than they were expecting.  I could tell many, many stories of families who have adopted a child with a special need but today, I'm going to tell you of a family whose story brings joy and at the same time, breaks my heart...

This particular family adopted a little girl with an extremely complex heart condition.  Had this precious baby girl not been adopted by a loving family and brought to the USA to immediately undergo surgery, she would most certainly have already died in China.

alone.

without a mama.

without a daddy.

without ever knowing the love of a family.

Today she is nearly 5 years old and is doing quite well, although her Mother recently confided in me that she finally got up enough nerve to ask the doctor what her daughter's life expectancy would be.  This mother was given the devastating news that her daughter would possibly not make it out of her teenage years, but could possibly live into her early 20s.  Her defective heart will not be able to sustain her body much longer than that.  This little girl's mother wrote to me in an e-mail, thanking ME for giving her the opportunity to be her mother.  Even with the devastating news that her daughter will not, barring a miracle (which we all know is possible), live a long life, she and her husband and their older daughters will make sure that this little girl knows she is loved.  Her life will be full and happy and best of all, she has her very own family!  This family knew going into the adoption that the little girl who would become their daughter had a very complex heart defect and that her life would be shortened, yet they stepped out in faith and gave her what she so desperately needed - love and a family. 

My job is very rewarding when the opportunity presents itself for me to call families with the wonderful, happy news for which they have been waiting.  There are also times when I must be a cheerleader and encourage families when they get discouraged through the long, difficult waiting process. I've been told by a few clients that I have a very calming voice and they love when I call, because it helps settle their restless souls as they wait.  I also work with families across the United States who say they love to hear my soft, southern accent.  I'm not sure if the soft southern accent helps settle their souls or if its the words I choose to cheer them on, but nevertheless, I feel both are a gift from God, and I will use them to the best of my ability.  Still, there are other times when my job is not easy or fun.  Quite frankly, sometimes it is emotionally difficult for me.   I have access to a database that contains photos and information for approximately 1500 children.  The majority of the children who remain on this list live with severe, life altering medical needs, in orphanages, half way across the world.  Many will NEVER know the love of a family.  Some of these children will be placed in a corner of a room inside an orphanage to "wait to die".  ALONE.  Is there anything more sad?  If there is, I cannot think what it would be...

It was the quote at the beginning of this post, specifically mentioning cleft lip and palate, that made me cry.  I thought of all of the babies who were born in China with cleft lip and palate who I have helped place into loving homes.  Families who saw these little girls (and sometimes boys) with a hole where their lips should be, and who were able to look past the cleft to see the child.  Families not caring that the little girl would have a misshapen lip and a crooked nose, not thinking about the major dental and orthodontic work in the future, nor were they concerned about the time consumption of speech therapy to help her learn to talk once the roof of her mouth was repaired. Those parents, through adoption, have given the same Whisper Test to those waiting children that Mrs. Leonard gave to Mary Ann Bird.  They each saw the pictures and thought, "I wish you were my little girl" and made it happen!

Every child deserves a family and I admit that I'm a little partial to finding families for the children who are "born different".  Mary Ann Bird wrote that she was convinced that no one outside her family could love her, based on the fact that she was born with her cleft lip and palate.  This is simply NOT TRUE!  Just as her teacher whispered that she wished she was her little girl, I can tell many stories of parents who have CHOSEN a child who was "born different", CHOSEN to make a child a part of their family, CHOSEN to love.  And through this choosing, I see GOD at work in people's hearts.  I also see GOD using me as a tool to help match families with children.  Words can not explain how awesome, amazing and wonderful this can be.  Some people give birth to a child with a special need and God gives those families the strength and resiliency to accept and move forward --- just another example of His incredible ability to work in our lives.  Another way God works is by giving people "The Whisper Test".  He asks parents, who are listening to Him, to step out on faith and make a choice that he hasn't forced them to face.  It is after they have heard God's whisper, that many parents talk to me...and that is when my job cycles back to the rewarding phase.

COSMOPOLITAN Magazine - My Guilty Pleasure

There is a truth I learned about one year post-divorce...I discovered that my 20 years of marriage had been thwarted by reading the wrong magazines!  I thought I was doing right being the southern girl that I am.  Religiously, while standing in line at the Wal-Mart or Kroger checkout, I would purchase Good Housekeeping and Southern Living, come home, put away my items and read them cover to cover.  I was gifted a yearly subscription of Better Homes and Gardens from my mother-in-law and read every article of that magazine as well.  As I am an avid reader, I am notorious for a stack of reading material next to my bed.  I had a notebook collection of pages torn from these magazines of house plans, color schemes and garden designs, planning for my future with my husband.  I tried the occasional new recipe and if the family enjoyed it, the page found its way into my recipe box.  I got much needed tips on organizing my clutter, spring cleaning, and tried to keep up on the latest home fashions.


Several years into our marriage, the focus of my reading changed and I began purchasing such magazines as Parents, Child, Parenting Today and when the kids got a little older, Family Fun.  These periodicals focused on my task at hand, raising healthy, happy children and having fun with them!  Eventually, as the children got older, I let the parenting magazine subscriptions expire and focused again on our home...and then I got divorced...

At that point, I no longer cared about cooking a new recipe...there was no one to try it.  I no longer cared about the latest home fashions...there was no money to buy them!  The possibility of once again owning my own home and actually having the time to decorate, garden and enjoy it seemed out of my future realm and quite frankly, overwhelming, as I struggle to manage the basics as a single, working mom of three.  I had finished reading all of the "How to Deal with Divorce" books and quickly realized that I needed a new magazine.  I checked out the stands and there were plenty to choose from but the one that caught my eye and continues to catch it each month is COSMOPOLITAN!  Cosmo has been dubbed "The Single Girl's Bible" and while I have a problem with referring to anything other than the Holy Bible as a "bible", I prefer to think of it as "The Single Girl's Handbook".  Cosmo Magazine is my guilty pleasure :-)

Unfortunately, I am not a Cosmo girl and I've come to the realization that I never will be, however, I enjoy taking a few days at the beginning of each month, to indulge myself and wonder what life would be like if I were once again, young and free, with a killer body, no commitments, and plenty of money.  The magazine is divided into 15 sections:  Cover Stories; Cosmo News; 101 Things About Men; Fun Fearless Fashion; Cosmo Look; Guy Watch; Love & Lust; You, Even Better; Health Check; Need to Know; Cosmo Confidential; Fun and Fearless; Fashion and Beauty Now; Cosmo Life and Regular Features.

The Cover Stories are always an eye catcher and usually hidden from children's eyes by a metal cover deliberately placed over the names of the cover stories as the magazine sits on the news stand.  After buying several issues and keeping the back issues on my coffee table, I quickly discovered that the word SEX is strategically placed in the upper left hand column of almost every issue.  If the word "sex" is not used, it's something very closely related...see for yourself...

Several of Dana's back issues of Cosmopolitan Magazine

It is for this reason I say I was reading the wrong magazines all these years.  Now that I read Cosmo, let's just say that I have a wealth of knowledge about what men want, need and crave and also instructions on how to keep him happy. 

All jokes aside, I truly enjoy reading Cosmo.  Even though I know this full-figured 40 year old would look ridiculous in most of the latest fashions, I like to keep up with what my teenage daughters may find appealing.  It's always important to know the latest health and diet tips and who can resist looking at the newest hairstyles and make-up tips?  The biggest thing I've learned from Cosmo is to be confident about myself.  To hold my head up and be proud of who I am.  Who knows if I'll ever meet Mr. Right?  Who knows if the man of my dreams even exists?  If he doesn't, that's okay because I don't need a man to define who I am, but if he is out there and I find him...I know lots of stuff to keep us busy...and I know that if we should marry...I will continue to indulge in my guilty pleasure and purchase Cosmopolitan Magazine each and every month (insert evil grin)!