I happen to be a fan of Young Adult fiction and after having a few quotes from this book catch my attention on Pinterest, started reading The Fault in our Stars by John Green earlier this week. By last night I was in the thick of it and could not stop turning the pages. This evening I'm exhausted as I was up until 2 a.m. finishing it. I soaked 5 tissues with my tears and at one point laid my iPad down and bawled. It took a good hour and a half to process what I had read enough to be able to sleep.
First and foremost it's a sweet love story between two teenagers who meet in a cancer support group. There are definitely funny parts and I laughed out loud many times. Terminal cancer diagnosis are involved. Terminal cancer leads to death. Death and dying bring grief and tears. Tears require tissues. The book is part tragedy.
With this being the anniversary week of the second year that Curt is no longer here, he has been on my mind a lot! I can only think of one day in two years that I went an entire day without thinking of him. I panicked at bedtime when I realized I hadn't thought about him and it hasn't happened since. It's not always sad. Most times I smile with happy memories. It may be a Dodge Dually flatbed rolling down the highway, big stacks on a Dodge Ram, diesel smoke, the smell of a Marlboro, Wrangler jeans, something somebody says, a picture or post by Gabby, a Peterbilt truck, an AC/DC song, a Mocha Frappe, a Carharrt symbol, a tv show, an Ale-8 bottle, Garth Brooks, someone's blue eyes...any number of things that I may see or hear throughout any day which will cause Curt Davis to cross my mind.
As I read one part of the book last night I was comforted in knowing, after having experienced a painful loss of my own, that time certainly heals. When you first begin facing the shock you wonder how you will ever accomplish getting through a day without crying or without feeling like a giant part of your heart is missing. Reading near the end of the book, I was able to feel some of the same raw emotion I felt two years ago upon learning of Curt's death and then walking through the motions of his visitation and funeral. Don't get me wrong, I was thankful it was a book of fiction and I wasn't forced to fully experience a loss of that magnitude all over again but the author did a great job getting into my thoughts during that time.
"...and then I realized there was no one else to call, which was the saddest thing. The only person I really wanted to talk to about Augustus Waters' death, was Augustus Waters." I can relate. I wanted one more conversation. I wanted answers. I wanted closure.
"The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with." It's strange that in the initial stages of grief you are able to recall so many memories and then you slowly realize those memories are fading. With the passage of more time you understand there are some things you have to let go and then, something may occur 5 months later, 14 months later or two years later, and you must be reminded to "let it go" because holding on keeps you imprisoned in a pit that's difficult to climb and keeps you from enjoying life.
There was one quote that hit me hard. When Hazel Grace walks up to the casket and had the thought that she "would never see his blue eyes again" I had a setback and it was at that point my iPad was set aside and I cried, hard, similar to those first few raw days, because...even though it's been two years and even though i feel I've finally accepted his death and moved on to whatever my future may hold,I am broken hearted, not just for myself, but for everyone who truly knew him and loved him, because we will "never see his blue eyes again."
With that being said there were two other quotes in the book that were, in my opinion, perfect.
"It [was] a privilege to have my heart broken by you" knowing "grief does not change you...it reveals you."
In Memory of
Curtis Wayne Davis
1/4/78 - 4/25/12
