There's a Mama Bear in the Soccer Stands

Tonight, my daughter ended her high school junior season for the Garrard County Lady Lions soccer team.  They lost in the worst way possible...they were mercy ruled, meaning the other team scored 10 goals more than them to end the game early.  That's a horrible way to end a season.  It's sad for the seniors and for the team and doesn't show at all the strength this team has when playing a team of equal pairing. 

It was an ugly, rainy and cold night...and I got ugly.  First of all, I dislike when both teams have to sit together.  Our field is like that.  All the bleachers are together and both team's parents have to sit side by side.  Soccer can be an aggressive sport and sometimes parents can get a little hot when calls are being overlooked and players are playing dirty.  It's awful when you have to listen to the snarky remarks made by the opposing team. 

So tonight, I mouthed back on a couple of occasions.  For instance, when they [a few of the opposing team spectators]  were cheering for a girl who received a penalty for a dirty play and then when they [the people sitting next to me] started saying "Come on! Let's mercy rule them so we can go eat some warm soup!"  Really? 

I know not everyone will agree with me.  Some people are super competitive and want to win BIG at whatever the cost.  I don't guess I should expect everyone to be as nice as our coach but a little give wouldn't kill anyone either.  We could have easily mercy ruled Casey County a few weeks back but instead of ending the game, our coach let the defense play offense, pulled the goalie out of the box and let her play forward to try to score, and tried people around at different positions.   It gave the girls a chance to have fun and keep playing without causing a total embarrassment to the other team.   
Boyle County came tonight with all intentions of mercy ruling us.  They kept their secondary team in full warm-up attire throughout the entire game obviously not intending to play them.  I don't understand, and maybe someone can enlighten me, as to why all school sports teams have to be in a geographical district except football and they get to play teams who come from the same size school.  Shouldn't this apply to all sports?  I guess in a perfect world!

I mean, sometimes I feel like our school playing Boyle County is like a private Christian college team playing a top ranked Division 1 NCAA team.  They come in 3 benches deep, wearing their matching warm ups with monogrammed backpacks.  Five coaches and a special breast cancer awareness uniform.  To rub more salt in our wound, several girls from both teams played little league together and a few played with us through middle school and maybe even one year of high school. 

Don't get me wrong...I love those girls, their parents and their grandparents.  Some are Garrard County people and their families continue to be.  I remember the day two of those girls were born and I grew up with their parents.  This is not about the girls.  They are awesome soccer players - the whole Boyle County team is a great soccer team!  My daughter played with a soccer club this past spring with a few of the girls, made new friendships and rekindled some old. 

Tonight...I'm the mama bear. The one who wants to protect her young.  It hurts to lose!  It hurt my heart to see my daughter, who absolutely loves the sport of soccer and who played her heart out tonight, walk off the field with tears in her eyes because her junior season ended on this note.  It makes me mad because everyone [okay...not everyone...but several spectators] on the other team seemed to think it was funny and more important  to get out of the rain than to let our girls finish with their heads up.

Was tonight one of my proud to be Dana nights?  Nope.  I let my emotions get the best of me.  Do I mean for this post to be ugly toward anyone?  Absolutely not!  I've just always been free with sharing my feelings and I had some raw ones tonight. 

This is what I'm feeling ... Sadness for a team of WONDERFUL sweet girls and two GREAT coaches who walked off the field drenched in cold rain, some with a few tears flowing, all hanging their heads in defeat.  This is not what Garrard Soccer is.  We had a great season.  We just happen to be a small school surrounded by bigger schools and play in a very competitive district. 

Keep your heads up.  I love you all...I have faith in you...and next year is a new year.  I'm looking forward to my Senior year as a Soccer Mom!

WE ARE GC!

It Takes Me Awhile...

It takes me awhile to get over things. For instance, my husband left me over 5 years ago and I still struggle with the aftermath of that. It took awhile for me to even date again. The few guys I have met have contributed to destroying my self esteem even more than the man I was married to. Two years post divorce I dated a guy who died unexpectedly for a stupid reason and I continue to deal with that. It seems that most men I have ever trusted my heart with has lied, cheated, betrayed or deceived me in a big way. 

Needless to say a HUGE part of my self-esteem issues revolve around... REJECTION and because of that I easily slip into the "friend" mode. It's easier to set yourself up as a friend than to put yourself out there to be rejected. A person can only take so much of that!

And so, I'm always perplexed by the  people who have split up from their boyfriends or divorced theirs spouses, or how those who have lost loved ones due to death, can move on so quickly. Many are now engaged. Some have children with new partners.  Others have had multiple new people in their lives and still others are remarried and I'm just over here like...huh?

I know people grieve differently.  I grieved the loss of my marriage like a death. And the death of a boyfriend was painful in itself and then brought back the grief from the marriage loss and it seems to be a vicious cycle.  Anytime I face rejection it brings it all back. Sounds like I need counseling...or maybe I'm picky and I've realized I'm not desperate. I've proven I can make it on my own and although it would be nice to walk through life with someone, I'm not willing to settle. 

If that means I'll be single forever, then so be it. Although it hasn't always been easy, I don't regret the time I've taken to heal from the hurt and to help my children heal from theirs. We are all still very much a work in progress with the life we've been forced to face. 

Hope you've enjoyed another entry of "Dana Shares Too Much". This will come back to bite me when I want to run for political office. Oh, who am I kidding?  I would never set myself up for that rejection!

It Was a Privilege...

PLEASE NOTE there are possible spoilers to the book "The Fault in our Stars" so if you haven't read it and plan to, be warned!

I happen to be a fan of Young Adult fiction and after having a few quotes from this book catch my attention on Pinterest, started reading The Fault in our Stars by John Green earlier this week.  By last night I was in the thick of it and could not stop turning the pages. This evening I'm exhausted as I was up until 2 a.m. finishing it. I soaked 5 tissues with my tears and at one point laid my iPad down and bawled.  It took a good hour and a half to process what I had read enough to be able to sleep.

First and foremost it's a sweet love story between two teenagers who meet in a cancer support group. There are definitely funny parts and I laughed out loud many times.  Terminal cancer diagnosis are involved. Terminal cancer leads to death. Death and dying bring grief and tears. Tears require tissues.  The book is part tragedy.  

With this being the anniversary week of the second year that Curt is no longer here, he has been on my mind a lot!  I can only think of one day in two years that I went an entire day without thinking of him. I panicked at bedtime when I realized I hadn't thought about him and it hasn't happened since. It's not always sad. Most times I smile with happy memories.  It may be a Dodge Dually flatbed rolling down the highway, big stacks on a Dodge Ram, diesel smoke, the smell of a Marlboro, Wrangler jeans, something somebody says, a picture or post by Gabby, a Peterbilt truck, an AC/DC song, a Mocha Frappe, a Carharrt symbol, a tv show, an Ale-8 bottle, Garth Brooks, someone's blue eyes...any number of things that I may see or hear throughout any day which will cause Curt Davis to cross my mind.

As I read one part of the book last night I was comforted in knowing, after having experienced a  painful loss of my own, that time certainly heals. When you first begin facing the shock you wonder how you will ever accomplish getting through a day without crying or without feeling like a giant part of your heart is missing.  Reading near the end of the book, I was able to feel some of the same raw emotion I felt two years ago upon learning of Curt's death and then walking through the motions of his visitation and funeral.  Don't get me wrong, I was thankful it was a book of fiction and I wasn't forced to fully experience a loss of that magnitude all over again but the author did a great job getting into my thoughts during that time.  

"...and then I realized there was no one else to call, which was the saddest thing. The only person I really wanted to talk to about Augustus Waters' death, was Augustus Waters."  I can relate. I wanted one more conversation. I wanted answers. I wanted closure. 

"The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with."  It's strange that in the initial stages of grief you are able to recall so many memories and then you slowly realize those memories are fading. With the passage of more time you understand there are some things you have to let go and then, something may occur 5 months later, 14 months later or two years later, and you must be reminded to "let it go" because holding on keeps you imprisoned in a pit that's difficult to climb and keeps you from enjoying life.

There was one quote that hit me hard.  When Hazel Grace walks up to the casket and had the thought that she "would never see his blue eyes again" I had a setback and it was at that point my iPad was set aside and I cried, hard, similar to those first few raw days, because...even though it's been two years and even though i feel I've finally accepted his death and moved on to whatever my future may hold,I am broken hearted, not just for myself, but for everyone who truly knew him and loved him, because we will "never see his blue eyes again."

With that being said there were two other quotes in the book that were, in my opinion, perfect. 

"It [was] a privilege to have my heart broken by you" knowing "grief does not change you...it reveals you."  

In Memory of 

Curtis Wayne Davis

1/4/78 - 4/25/12