On April 1, 1989, at the tender age of 18, I nervously walked down the center aisle of the church I had grown up in. With a huge smile on my face and many hopes for my future, I was given in marriage by my "Daddy" while wearing a beautiful white wedding gown. Before God, our pastor, and approximately 200 family and friends, I said "I do" and made the Biblical promises to love, honor, cherish and yes... [don't cringe]... even to "obey". I took very little into that marriage. I had a high school diploma and almost two semesters of college under my belt, a part-time job, a used car, some stuffed animals, my clothes and some cheerleading trophies :-). I had grown up in a loving two-parent home and brought with me the morals and values I had been taught and the hope that I would grow old with this man I stood before, not thinking about it, but assuming that one day I would be buried next to him.
Fast forward 20 years...
In those 20 years we built a home together, we built a family together, we incurred debt together and experienced life together...just the two of us. In the beginning we were showered with gifts, we earned our college degrees, took on jobs/careers that afforded us the ability to buy lots of "stuff". We brought three children into our family, two through birth and one through adoption, and were showered with gifts through each blessing. We experienced the miscarriage of our first child conceived. We experienced the death of friends and family members. We shared laughs and memories too numerous to list. And then...it abruptly ended in divorce and we were forced to split the "stuff", share the kids and bury the happy memories. I was left picking up pieces of a broken heart and facing the future...for the first time...alone.
Fast forward 4 more years...
Eventually, after a divorce or a breakup from your significant other, you begin thinking that maybe...just maybe...you want to fill the void...the emptiness...and you have the desire to find another "helpmate". This time however, in your quest for a relationship, you bring with you your children, your ex and his family, your bills, your furniture, Longaberger baskets you can't seem to sell knowing how much money you have invested in them, past memories, tons of disappointment, hurt and fears. After four years, you may have recovered from some of the debt, the poor self-esteem issues and some of the brokenness but you can't escape the emotions and life experiences that have brought you where you are!!
This time, you aren't choosing a helpmate and companion to build your life with...more than likely the pool from which you are choosing is floating around on the same kind of life raft you are, just in a different color. They may bring with them a different array of things which can include children, debt, foreclosure, bankruptcy, good memories, bad memories and heaven forbid, a deer head or a huge Bass that's been mounted! No doubt this person will have experienced love, laughter, joy, disappointment, hurt and has just as many, if not more fears than you have about the future.
I spend a lot of time wondering WHO, in their right mind, would be interested in me and the "baggage" that has become MY LIFE? I see myself as a 42 year old, overweight, brunette with too much gray who has three children in three very different stages of life. Guys don't take much notice of me, let alone the opportunity to get to know who I am. There are things about me I can't change (my age); things I can (my hair color); things I would never want to change (the fact that I have three adorable children who mean the world to me) and things I would love to change (my weight). Guys tend to overlook the fact that I'm self-sufficient. They don't seem to care that I took the time to take care of me and my kids rather than jump from relationship to relationship trying to fill that void. They don't want to fall in love with or help support "someone else's kids". Oh...they may have noticed the fact that I lost quite a bit of weight after my divorce, but I'm sure they also recognize I could lose more. They occasionally notice the hint of red I like to put in my hair to cover the gray. I get compliments on my smile, my personality, my sense of humor, but no one has really every taken the opportunity to get to know DANA! If they choose to identify me by my past and what I carry with me, that's their loss...there is a kind, compassionate, funny, God-fearing female under the fluff and as ridiculous as it may seem, she still believes in Happily Ever After.
I don't mean to say that no one has ever shown an interest. Thank God that has not been the case or I would certainly be in a Blue's Bar somewhere making money on my sad lyrics. When someone does show interest, their baggage seems to get in the way of my ultimate destination. As you set down the path of a new relationship, you must get in the car (or the truck if that's what you prefer) together, not knowing the final destination. You must be prepared for car trouble and mishaps along they way because they can and most likely will occur. Sometimes the children and financial woes you bring along for the ride can cause bumps along the path. Other times an ex may climb in the car and change the whole course of travel you had planned. At times, addiction which is out of control can cause a crash so catastrophic that the journey quickly ends. And still there are others who stay in their own car, refusing to get in yours because its easier for them to take the bypass around the busy part of the highway. That busy part of the highway is where you learn to share again, where you put two families in the same car and blaze unchartered territory, that is where you learn to trust again and more than anything, you learn to open your heart and love again. I refuse to let my past car trouble prevent me from traveling with a companion in the future. I may have to get in and out of a few more cars. When packing the vehicle for the journey, the biggest decision is determining if this person means enough to you that you are willing to pack the car together...even if it means tying a deer mount to the luggage rack of the minivan.
But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
