There are lots of things this single girl has learned to do since becoming single. Oh, sure, there were many things I knew HOW to do, I just chose NOT to do them - haha. Some things, I have ALWAYS done but now that I'm single, there are lots of things I HAVE to do.
For example: I cook for myself and my children, I have to wash all of our laundry, I have to wash all of the dishes because the only dishwasher I have are the two at the ends of my arms. I fill up my car with gas, I make sure all of the fluid levels are correct, I check the oil and the tire pressure regularly and keep track of when the oil needs changing and the tires need rotated. I set my alarm to get up for work, get Edison ready for the sitter and make sure Kensley is up for school on the days she is here. I add 20 miles to my 50 minute commute to take Kensley to school, drop Edison off at the sitter and then head to work. I work an 8 hour day and then the 60 minutes it takes to get home! I pick up Edison, come home, cook supper, clean up, wash a load of laundry. On soccer nights, I pick up Edison, come home, grab snacks, take Kensley to practice, chase Edison around for an hour and a half while Kensley practices soccer, come home and cook supper. Sometimes I clean up and other times I wait until the next night to clean up after dinner. I try to throw one load of laundry in each night (or at least every other night) - wash, dry, fold and put away. On weekends, I grocery shop, attend soccer games, change the sheets on the beds and attempt to find time to dust, sweep, mop and clean the bathrooms. I also have to sack up the garbage and try to remember to take it to the curb once a week. I'm also solely responsible for paying my bills, balancing my checkbook, and taking care of household issues. Between all of this, I still find time to read and play with Edison each night and spend some time on Facebook. Thank goodness for my dad who comes to mow and trim my yard because I have no clue when I could ever squeeze that chore into my day!!
I have wonderful parents who help me in a crunch and ex-in-laws who are helpful with the kids when I ask. Weekends with the kids are a whirlwind of activity. I have a 16 year old with a social agenda, a 12 year old with a soccer schedule and a social agenda, and a 3 year old who acts like a totally different child when his sisters are here than when it's just me and him. On the weekends when the kids are with Wasband, I look forward to time alone with no one to wait on but myself. At first, I felt it was very important that I try to be out and about, meeting people and staying busy, but lately I find myself wanting to spend time alone. It's nice to stay at my house, alone, eating pizza and watching movies or football while sitting on my comfy couch. I use those three days to try to regain the energy I have expended over the past 10 to be able to make it through the next 10 days where it will all start again.
Who has time for going out? Not Dana. Who has time for dating? Not Dana. Who is enjoying her time alone, just learning who she is? Dana! I got married at age 18 to a boy I met when I was 16. I never knew who Dana was. Most of the decisions I made were not made by me, they were heavily influenced by others. You know what? I'm making my own decisions now. I'm doing my own thing. I enjoy some assistance occasionally and yes, I sometimes complain that I have to do it all, but bare with me - I've gone through some major changes recently - I've never been this independent - I never HAD to be! And the best part about it? I'm happier than I have been in MANY, MANY years. I'm enjoying the freedom I have of not having to answer to anyone, doing what I want to do when I want to do it (well except for the things dictated by my children's schedule). Is it easy? No, it's not! Can I do it? I've proved I can :-) and the best thing? The fact that I hardly ever get a chance to sit down, that I spend a lot of time chasing my son, running with my girls and always doing stuff that needs to be done around the house has helped me lose close to 50 lbs! Yeah, I can handle this, but can this world handle the new me? We shall see :-)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
I HATE MOVING!
When I was a little girl, we moved a lot - not as much as a military family, but probably pretty close. Being that I didn't like change as a little girl, this could have been traumatic, but we always stayed in the same school district and most of the time, we even kept the same bus driver. That actually became a joke between my brother and I. Mom and Dad would tell us we were moving and we had two questions, "Where are we moving?" and "Will Jim still be our bus driver?"
When Wasband and I were first married, I told him that it was important to me that when we had kids that we settle down into a home that would always be "their home". I wanted them to have the same bedroom from the time they remembered until they got married. This was something I didn't have and always wanted. I just thought it would be cool for our grandkids to sleep and play in the same rooms their mothers had.
Let me go ahead and clarify. I don't think I missed out on anything by not having this. My parents' home has always been inviting and comfortable to me regardless of the "house" they lived in. I probably feel most comfortable in the home they live in now - maybe because this is where they have provided some much needed comfort to me over the past two years or maybe it's because I know that they have finally "settled". I'm not sure...
Wasband and I started out in a little two bedroom house on a dead end street paying $200/month. We were there for one year. We then moved to a big farm house out in the country and stayed there for a year. After that, we "grew up" and ventured into the BIG City of Lexington! We rented a one-bedroom apartment until we were finally able to put a down payment on our first home. I loved that little house. Our first "home". It was a small, three bedroom, one bath, brick with hardwood floors througout. The perfect starter home. Emily was born while we lived there and we stayed until she was three years old.
The week before her 3rd birthday, we moved to the house I thought we would live in FOREVER. We moved back to Garrard County to be close to family and friends. We spent a lot of time over here anyway and decided that when Emily started to school, we wanted her to go to the same schools Wasband and I had gone. We bought a 4 bedroom, 2 bath brick ranch on 4 acres. We planned to have at least one more child, to raise our children, build a small barn, buy a horse or two, eventually retire and play with our grandchildren in the same place.
Well, that lasted for several years and then the D-I-V-O-R-C-E happened...
Since then, I have moved more times than I have wanted. First, I HATE to move. It's hard work, it's time consuming and it costs money. When I moved out of our marital home, I moved to an adorable little house that had come available. It was perfect for our situation - well, except for the fact that two girls who had never had to share hardly anything in their lives were suddenly put together in a small bedroom! I stayed there until another house came open that belonged to my aunt and uncle. They offered me a great deal on the rent to allow me to get "back on my feet". The decreased rent was wonderful, but unfortunately, the heat bills were astronomical and I really wasn't able to save money the way I had hoped. So here I am, taking a break from the dreaded task of PACKING, and getting ready to move again!
When I moved from the first post-divorce home to the current home, I made the comment, "I am not moving again until some rich man comes and moves me out." Well, a rich man is moving me out. I call him the propane gas man! I guess if I make this statement again, I made need to clarify...
I'm excited about my new little house. It's a very cute white framed house with black shutters. It has a swing on the tree in the front yard that Edison LOVES. That same swing scares my mom to death because she thinks it's too close to the road. The back yard is fenced in so he's probably going to need a swing set out back to keep him out of the tree! The house has new windows and a new heating and air unit so it should be very economical --- a BIG issue for me right now. The people I will be renting from are super-sweet and have done lots of things to get it ready for me and the kids - including allowing me to pick new paint colors!!!
Now, if I had a fairy godmother who could wave her magic wand and pack everything neatly into boxes, go through the things I don't need and set them aside for the yard sale I'm planning, take apart the beds, load everything onto trucks and unpack it and place everthing exactly where I wanted it, life would be good! But I know that is not going to happen. I might mention though, that my own mother is pretty close to a fairy godmother. She came to my house while I was working today, straightened my house a little, did some laundry and packed my china :-) She's as close to a fairy godmother as I'm gonna get. I just wish she had a magic wand so she didn't have to work so hard!
This will be the 3rd time I've moved the week of Emily's birthday, the 2nd time in two years. Hopefully, this time, we can settle for at least a few years. I want this house to feel like home to my children. I want them to feel safe and comfortable because I don't think they have truly felt that with ME since the divorce. Kensley is excited - she's getting a purple room :-) Edison is getting a big boy bed and Emily will share sleeping quarters with him when she comes to visit every other weekend. The one downfall is that it only has one bathroom, which will be tough for 2-3 girls to share, but we can do this!
I'm only moving 2.2 miles, but that will still require spending the rest of this week packing, moving this weekend and then unpacking. Have I mentioned that I HATE MOVING? I know I will have to do it again because I can't stay in this new place forever, but maybe, just maybe, this is the 2nd to last time that I will EVER have to move again!
When Wasband and I were first married, I told him that it was important to me that when we had kids that we settle down into a home that would always be "their home". I wanted them to have the same bedroom from the time they remembered until they got married. This was something I didn't have and always wanted. I just thought it would be cool for our grandkids to sleep and play in the same rooms their mothers had.
Let me go ahead and clarify. I don't think I missed out on anything by not having this. My parents' home has always been inviting and comfortable to me regardless of the "house" they lived in. I probably feel most comfortable in the home they live in now - maybe because this is where they have provided some much needed comfort to me over the past two years or maybe it's because I know that they have finally "settled". I'm not sure...
Wasband and I started out in a little two bedroom house on a dead end street paying $200/month. We were there for one year. We then moved to a big farm house out in the country and stayed there for a year. After that, we "grew up" and ventured into the BIG City of Lexington! We rented a one-bedroom apartment until we were finally able to put a down payment on our first home. I loved that little house. Our first "home". It was a small, three bedroom, one bath, brick with hardwood floors througout. The perfect starter home. Emily was born while we lived there and we stayed until she was three years old.
The week before her 3rd birthday, we moved to the house I thought we would live in FOREVER. We moved back to Garrard County to be close to family and friends. We spent a lot of time over here anyway and decided that when Emily started to school, we wanted her to go to the same schools Wasband and I had gone. We bought a 4 bedroom, 2 bath brick ranch on 4 acres. We planned to have at least one more child, to raise our children, build a small barn, buy a horse or two, eventually retire and play with our grandchildren in the same place.
Well, that lasted for several years and then the D-I-V-O-R-C-E happened...
Since then, I have moved more times than I have wanted. First, I HATE to move. It's hard work, it's time consuming and it costs money. When I moved out of our marital home, I moved to an adorable little house that had come available. It was perfect for our situation - well, except for the fact that two girls who had never had to share hardly anything in their lives were suddenly put together in a small bedroom! I stayed there until another house came open that belonged to my aunt and uncle. They offered me a great deal on the rent to allow me to get "back on my feet". The decreased rent was wonderful, but unfortunately, the heat bills were astronomical and I really wasn't able to save money the way I had hoped. So here I am, taking a break from the dreaded task of PACKING, and getting ready to move again!
When I moved from the first post-divorce home to the current home, I made the comment, "I am not moving again until some rich man comes and moves me out." Well, a rich man is moving me out. I call him the propane gas man! I guess if I make this statement again, I made need to clarify...
I'm excited about my new little house. It's a very cute white framed house with black shutters. It has a swing on the tree in the front yard that Edison LOVES. That same swing scares my mom to death because she thinks it's too close to the road. The back yard is fenced in so he's probably going to need a swing set out back to keep him out of the tree! The house has new windows and a new heating and air unit so it should be very economical --- a BIG issue for me right now. The people I will be renting from are super-sweet and have done lots of things to get it ready for me and the kids - including allowing me to pick new paint colors!!!
Now, if I had a fairy godmother who could wave her magic wand and pack everything neatly into boxes, go through the things I don't need and set them aside for the yard sale I'm planning, take apart the beds, load everything onto trucks and unpack it and place everthing exactly where I wanted it, life would be good! But I know that is not going to happen. I might mention though, that my own mother is pretty close to a fairy godmother. She came to my house while I was working today, straightened my house a little, did some laundry and packed my china :-) She's as close to a fairy godmother as I'm gonna get. I just wish she had a magic wand so she didn't have to work so hard!
This will be the 3rd time I've moved the week of Emily's birthday, the 2nd time in two years. Hopefully, this time, we can settle for at least a few years. I want this house to feel like home to my children. I want them to feel safe and comfortable because I don't think they have truly felt that with ME since the divorce. Kensley is excited - she's getting a purple room :-) Edison is getting a big boy bed and Emily will share sleeping quarters with him when she comes to visit every other weekend. The one downfall is that it only has one bathroom, which will be tough for 2-3 girls to share, but we can do this!
I'm only moving 2.2 miles, but that will still require spending the rest of this week packing, moving this weekend and then unpacking. Have I mentioned that I HATE MOVING? I know I will have to do it again because I can't stay in this new place forever, but maybe, just maybe, this is the 2nd to last time that I will EVER have to move again!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I Can Do It All By Myself - My Adoption Story
I started working at A Helping Hand Adoption Agency the first week of May, 2007. On May 2, 2007, a little boy weighing a little over 5 lbs. was born in Guatemala. The following week, I was sitting in my office when I heard Maria, one of the Guatemala advocates begin praying out loud saying, "Dear Lord, thank you for these two precious baby boys, these two referrals we have received from Guatemala, we ask your blessing on these two little boys and ask that you please help us find families for them. In Your name, AMEN." Another girl in the office and I asked about them. She said, we got two referrals of little boys who were born last week and we have no families who are ready to accept them.
FAST FORWARD to September. It was brought up in the office that A Helping Hand still had a little boy who was available but who was now being overlooked because families wanted newborns. I went to Philip's office, another Guatemala advocate who had just begun the process of adopting a little girl himself, started asking questions about adopting from Guatemala and asked if I could see the referral information. He gave me the information I needed and told me where I could find the medical information and pictures in the database. I quickly sat at my computer to take a peek at the file of Eddy Alejandro Godinez-Sazo and I immediately knew that this little boy was supposed to be my son. I just needed to convince my husband.
I still have the e-mails we sent back and forth to one another. I remember many conversations we had about adoption, this little boy in particular and the financial aspects. I knew I had said all I could say and it would be my husband's final decision. I finally told him, "You know how I feel about this little boy, I want him to be our son, but if you do not want to do this, then I understand. I promise you I will not bring it up again" and I knew that as hard as that was going to be, that would be what I would have to do. I was beginning to think that I was going to have to let go of my dream of adoption while at the same time feeling that God had put me at AHH for the purpose of finding this little boy. Two days later, Husband came and said, "What do we have to do to make that little boy ours?" My mouth dropped open and I jumped out of the chair and gave him the biggest hug EVER!
On September 11, 2007, we filed our Application to Adopt. On September 14, 2007, we filed our initial paperwork with the United States Citizenship and Immigration Service and were on our way to making this little boy OURS! After months of paperchasing, completing a home study, having physicals, fingerprints, criminal record checks, waiting on DNA testing, stressing through Guatemala's decision to close adoptions and trying to get through PGN, waiting for a Guatemalan birth certificate, and then waiting on the U.S. Embassy, we finally received all of the approvals we needed from the U.S. and Guatemala to bring this little boy home. One year and one day later, on September 12, 2008, we raced Hurricane Ike to the Texas border and arrived at our old Kentucky home with our new son - Edison Alejandro Underwood!
If you want to read more about our adoption journey, written as it happened two years ago, please visit my old blog: To Eden for Edison http://www.toedenforedison.blogspot.com
The first few paragraphs and my initial blog are the wonderful parts of Edison's adoption story from my perspective. Unfortunately, a turn of events took place during the adoption and once we returned home and our lives took a totally different path than what I dreamed. My story doesn't end with "and the five of them lived happily ever after." Actually, a nightmare began for me when we were in the middle of the process and continued non-stop. Now, two years after Edison joined our family, I feel I am finally recovering and can move on with my life.
WARNING: Some readers may not want to read the rest of this story. These are the facts as I interpret them and most people will agree it is what happened. Not everyone who was involved will agree but I still say facts are facts. I can try to leave opinions out but I cannot tell this story without my feelings. When it was all said and done, it is another confirmation to me that God indeed had a plan for ME through Edison's adoption...and I know I was a part of His plan for Edison.
Soon after we started the adoption process, something changed in my husband's demeanor. He was no longer affectionate and loving toward me as he had been in our 21 years together. I kept asking him what was wrong and he would say "I'm just tired." I thought he was depressed, kind of facing a mid-life crisis, because he was turning 40. I tried to cheer him up by surprising him with two tickets to watch the Indianapolis Colts play on his birthday in November. The trip was a disaster - I just didn't realize what was going on yet. At the end of November, I made a bi-lingual book on Shutterfly to mail to Edison's foster mom so she could begin introducing him to his new family. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get Husband to smile for any of the pictures. I began to worry that he was having second thoughts and didn't want to go through the adoption. He assured me that was not it.
In February, we took our daughters on a mission trip to Guatemala. Part of the week we spent doing mission work and the end of the week we spent meeting Edison. Husband was very cool toward me the entire week but he was working hard and I chalked it up to him "being tired." I have video and pictures of when he first met Edison that haunt me and everyone else who looks at them. I think a link to the video can be found on my previous blog linked above. I later learned that many people started expressing their concern when they saw the video that Husband was not "into" the adoption. At the end of March, Husband told me he wasn't happy and he thought we needed to separate. My first question was "what about Edison?" and I will NEVER, EVER forget the words he said to me. He said, "I don't think we need to bring him into this." I glared at him and through clenched teeth I said something similar to... "That little boy is my son. Guatemalan adoptions are closed. If we don't bring him home, he will end up living on the streets, shining shoes or selling necklaces to put food in his belly! If you can live with that, then you go ahead and leave!" He left on the weekend of our 19th wedding anniversary.
I will never forget that Sunday morning. The girls had stayed with grandparents because I was trying to plan a getaway for our anniversary. As he walked out the front door, I collapsed into our bedroom floor wailing and crying, begging him not to leave. I had a million thoughts swirling through my mind concerning my marriage, my love for this man, my hurt, our two biological daughters, and one precious little boy who we had met in February who I already considered our son. After several minutes, I pulled myself off the floor and reached for the telephone. I called my friend Sharon and asked her to go to church to get my mom out of Sunday school and tell her I needed her to come help me - NOW!
We had friends and family rally around us. Husband came home that afternoon but would not talk. He left again that evening, this time with both of our daughters sobbing. He returned home the next day, we read letters we had written to each other and we had a long heart to heart talk. We made new promises to each other and he said he was coming home, that we would work this out. I made changes and he did too. Things seemed good through all of April and into May. I stayed quiet and never mentioned a word of the marital problems to our social worker as I knew it could disrupt the adoption proceedings. By the end of May, Husband became distant again. I suspected there was someone else in his life, he repeatedly denied it and I could not confirm it until one day I received a text message that he intended to send to the "someone else". I knew as soon as I read it that it was not intended for me. I immediately called him and he denied it. By the time I got home from work and confronted him, he finally admitted it. I honestly cannot tell you when I received this text but I think it was within a few weeks after I returned to work after Edison came home. I know that I was both devastated to find out and relieved to finally confirm that my intuition was correct!
From that point, I don't know what happened or how I made it through the first weeks and months Edison was home. I know that I tried to do absolutely everything for Edison because Husband had told me he was afraid that the "novelty" of adopting him would wear off and he and our oldest daughter would end up "raising him". I fed him, bathed him, rocked him, read to him, and played with him. I met all of his needs. The only thing Husband did was hold him until he fell asleep at night and that became his excuse for sleeping on the couch.
Lots of stuff happened during those months that are not part of this adoption story. They are part of my divorce story. I was at my wit's end and I did something that put the nail in the coffin so to speak. I went to try to talk to Husband's parents. My mother went with me for moral support and Husband showed up too. My mom said that if she hadn't been there to personally see for herself what I experienced, that she would have never believed that I would have been treated the way I was treated. I went there to ask them for their help to try to save my marriage. I wanted to tell them that their son was having an affair, but I didn't. I tried to lay my heart out to them, I even had notes with me, I tried to tell them that I was doing all I could to save my marriage and it was falling on deaf ears. Husband's dad never said a word but his mom got angry with me and she kept repeating over and over, "He has not been happy for a long time, I just want him to be happy." (I'll blog about "happiness" at a later time)
I left that night and took the kids with me to my mom and dad's house but Edison wouldn't go to sleep and the girl's couldn't go to sleep. I loaded them up late that night and we went back home. On Monday morning of Thanksgiving week, we had an appointment to get Edison's name changed from Eddy Alejandro to Edison Alejandro, a name Husband and I had chosen together. We went to court in the pouring rain and took care of that. I ran to the car and was drenched. Husband buckled Edison into his car seat and then knocked on my window. I rolled the window down and he had a file folder in his hand, he said, "I'm going back in to file divorce papers." Again, I was devastated. How TACKY --- and that's all I'm going to say about that...no, actually it's not! Our son will see the date on this important paper changing his name. This is a court paper that he will need to use a few times during his life. It will not take much for him to realize that his dad filed for divorce from his mom on the SAME day, just two months after he arrived home. He could have filed for divorce the next day or the next week, he didn't have to file on such an important day in Edison's history! Thanksgiving was sad and difficult.
I remained in the house and so did he. I wanted Edison to have ONE Christmas with his whole family together. I didn't want to uproot my children and I didn't have the money it would take to establish a new residence. He didn't want to leave for fear of it appearing that he was abandoning his kids. It was a stressful time for all of us. All I could do was cry. He wouldn't talk. The girls were quiet and visibly upset. Edison was transitioning through so many things. He was learning a new language, adjusting to new foods, new smells, people who looked different, a new home, becoming part of what was supposed to be a "forever" family. Financially, I was finally able to move out on New Year's Eve. Our divorce was final the week before Valentine's Day and Husband became Wasband. He married the "someone else" less than 7 months later on Labor Day weekend. (See a pattern of holiday's here? He's so unoriginal - LOL)
I tell you all of this craziness to let you know that God had a plan, even in all of this mess. I know that I have not seen His entire plan come full circle and I may never. I know this much...God knew that Edison needed a family and although it's not the best option, I believe in his case that a split family is definitely better than no family at all. God knew that I needed Edison. My daughters were the ages of 10 and 14 at the time we separated. While they will always "need" their mother, they did not "need" me to bathe, feed or clothe them. When we first separated, the girls split their time equally between Wasband and myself by spending one week with me and then one week with him. If I had not had Edison in my life during that time, I feel certain I would have crawled into a fetal position on those weeks without them and slipped into a depressive state that would have been difficult to recover. The thing is...I had Edison, a little boy, less than two years old, who needed me to feed him, bathe him, clothe him, care for him. He needed love, hugs and kisses.
Edison is very aware of human emotions and I think that is because of his own life experiences. I would sometimes sit on the couch, watching tv when the girls were with their dad, and just start crying. He couldn't talk, but he would crawl up on the couch and stand next to me and rub my arm or my hair. He would lay his head in my lap and force me to look at him and would smile the biggest smile in the world! He gave me a reason to smile and he made me laugh when I had nothing to laugh about. He loved me unconditionally! Just today, I was laying on the bed reading with him and out of the blue he asked me if I was happy. I smiled and said, "yes, Edison, Mommy is happy" and he said, "I like you to be happy." He is the most compassionate 3 year old boy you will ever meet. I hate the circumstances he came into and I hate that he had to adjust to so much in the 1st year he was home, but I know these experiences shaped him into the toddler he is and will play a major role in the boy and man he will become.
I had an elderly aunt ask my mother if I "intended to send him back" since Wasband had left. My mom laughed and said, "no, she's not gonna send him back." I want Edison to know that I fought like HELL to make sure he became MY SON and he doesn't know it now, but he gave me the energy to fight to survive the most horrible thing I have experienced in my life to date! I never once thought of ending my life because I have always had too much to live for with my wonderful family and beautiful daughters, but Edison forced me to keep going, to not give up, to not roll up and accept defeat - I fought and because of that, I have learned that I am a very strong woman and an extremely capable single mom.
This isn't the typical adoption story. It's not the story I want to tell but it's the story God has written for me. Edison's family tree will have roots, branches and extra limbs. He has biological parents, biological siblings, adoptive parents, adoptive sisters, a stepparent and step-siblings and he is going to be okay! Most of all, he has a mother who absolutely adores him, who spoils him and who will try to make sure that through all of the emotional trauma and confusion he has experienced in his young life, that he will grow up to be a wonderful, caring and compassionate man --- who can play soccer, football and baseball like no other little boy who has ever been raised by a single mom :-)
P.S. The novelty hasn't worn off - I DO IT ALL with very little help!
FAST FORWARD to September. It was brought up in the office that A Helping Hand still had a little boy who was available but who was now being overlooked because families wanted newborns. I went to Philip's office, another Guatemala advocate who had just begun the process of adopting a little girl himself, started asking questions about adopting from Guatemala and asked if I could see the referral information. He gave me the information I needed and told me where I could find the medical information and pictures in the database. I quickly sat at my computer to take a peek at the file of Eddy Alejandro Godinez-Sazo and I immediately knew that this little boy was supposed to be my son. I just needed to convince my husband.
I still have the e-mails we sent back and forth to one another. I remember many conversations we had about adoption, this little boy in particular and the financial aspects. I knew I had said all I could say and it would be my husband's final decision. I finally told him, "You know how I feel about this little boy, I want him to be our son, but if you do not want to do this, then I understand. I promise you I will not bring it up again" and I knew that as hard as that was going to be, that would be what I would have to do. I was beginning to think that I was going to have to let go of my dream of adoption while at the same time feeling that God had put me at AHH for the purpose of finding this little boy. Two days later, Husband came and said, "What do we have to do to make that little boy ours?" My mouth dropped open and I jumped out of the chair and gave him the biggest hug EVER!
On September 11, 2007, we filed our Application to Adopt. On September 14, 2007, we filed our initial paperwork with the United States Citizenship and Immigration Service and were on our way to making this little boy OURS! After months of paperchasing, completing a home study, having physicals, fingerprints, criminal record checks, waiting on DNA testing, stressing through Guatemala's decision to close adoptions and trying to get through PGN, waiting for a Guatemalan birth certificate, and then waiting on the U.S. Embassy, we finally received all of the approvals we needed from the U.S. and Guatemala to bring this little boy home. One year and one day later, on September 12, 2008, we raced Hurricane Ike to the Texas border and arrived at our old Kentucky home with our new son - Edison Alejandro Underwood!
If you want to read more about our adoption journey, written as it happened two years ago, please visit my old blog: To Eden for Edison http://www.toedenforedison.blogspot.com
The first few paragraphs and my initial blog are the wonderful parts of Edison's adoption story from my perspective. Unfortunately, a turn of events took place during the adoption and once we returned home and our lives took a totally different path than what I dreamed. My story doesn't end with "and the five of them lived happily ever after." Actually, a nightmare began for me when we were in the middle of the process and continued non-stop. Now, two years after Edison joined our family, I feel I am finally recovering and can move on with my life.
WARNING: Some readers may not want to read the rest of this story. These are the facts as I interpret them and most people will agree it is what happened. Not everyone who was involved will agree but I still say facts are facts. I can try to leave opinions out but I cannot tell this story without my feelings. When it was all said and done, it is another confirmation to me that God indeed had a plan for ME through Edison's adoption...and I know I was a part of His plan for Edison.
Soon after we started the adoption process, something changed in my husband's demeanor. He was no longer affectionate and loving toward me as he had been in our 21 years together. I kept asking him what was wrong and he would say "I'm just tired." I thought he was depressed, kind of facing a mid-life crisis, because he was turning 40. I tried to cheer him up by surprising him with two tickets to watch the Indianapolis Colts play on his birthday in November. The trip was a disaster - I just didn't realize what was going on yet. At the end of November, I made a bi-lingual book on Shutterfly to mail to Edison's foster mom so she could begin introducing him to his new family. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get Husband to smile for any of the pictures. I began to worry that he was having second thoughts and didn't want to go through the adoption. He assured me that was not it.
In February, we took our daughters on a mission trip to Guatemala. Part of the week we spent doing mission work and the end of the week we spent meeting Edison. Husband was very cool toward me the entire week but he was working hard and I chalked it up to him "being tired." I have video and pictures of when he first met Edison that haunt me and everyone else who looks at them. I think a link to the video can be found on my previous blog linked above. I later learned that many people started expressing their concern when they saw the video that Husband was not "into" the adoption. At the end of March, Husband told me he wasn't happy and he thought we needed to separate. My first question was "what about Edison?" and I will NEVER, EVER forget the words he said to me. He said, "I don't think we need to bring him into this." I glared at him and through clenched teeth I said something similar to... "That little boy is my son. Guatemalan adoptions are closed. If we don't bring him home, he will end up living on the streets, shining shoes or selling necklaces to put food in his belly! If you can live with that, then you go ahead and leave!" He left on the weekend of our 19th wedding anniversary.
I will never forget that Sunday morning. The girls had stayed with grandparents because I was trying to plan a getaway for our anniversary. As he walked out the front door, I collapsed into our bedroom floor wailing and crying, begging him not to leave. I had a million thoughts swirling through my mind concerning my marriage, my love for this man, my hurt, our two biological daughters, and one precious little boy who we had met in February who I already considered our son. After several minutes, I pulled myself off the floor and reached for the telephone. I called my friend Sharon and asked her to go to church to get my mom out of Sunday school and tell her I needed her to come help me - NOW!
We had friends and family rally around us. Husband came home that afternoon but would not talk. He left again that evening, this time with both of our daughters sobbing. He returned home the next day, we read letters we had written to each other and we had a long heart to heart talk. We made new promises to each other and he said he was coming home, that we would work this out. I made changes and he did too. Things seemed good through all of April and into May. I stayed quiet and never mentioned a word of the marital problems to our social worker as I knew it could disrupt the adoption proceedings. By the end of May, Husband became distant again. I suspected there was someone else in his life, he repeatedly denied it and I could not confirm it until one day I received a text message that he intended to send to the "someone else". I knew as soon as I read it that it was not intended for me. I immediately called him and he denied it. By the time I got home from work and confronted him, he finally admitted it. I honestly cannot tell you when I received this text but I think it was within a few weeks after I returned to work after Edison came home. I know that I was both devastated to find out and relieved to finally confirm that my intuition was correct!
From that point, I don't know what happened or how I made it through the first weeks and months Edison was home. I know that I tried to do absolutely everything for Edison because Husband had told me he was afraid that the "novelty" of adopting him would wear off and he and our oldest daughter would end up "raising him". I fed him, bathed him, rocked him, read to him, and played with him. I met all of his needs. The only thing Husband did was hold him until he fell asleep at night and that became his excuse for sleeping on the couch.
Lots of stuff happened during those months that are not part of this adoption story. They are part of my divorce story. I was at my wit's end and I did something that put the nail in the coffin so to speak. I went to try to talk to Husband's parents. My mother went with me for moral support and Husband showed up too. My mom said that if she hadn't been there to personally see for herself what I experienced, that she would have never believed that I would have been treated the way I was treated. I went there to ask them for their help to try to save my marriage. I wanted to tell them that their son was having an affair, but I didn't. I tried to lay my heart out to them, I even had notes with me, I tried to tell them that I was doing all I could to save my marriage and it was falling on deaf ears. Husband's dad never said a word but his mom got angry with me and she kept repeating over and over, "He has not been happy for a long time, I just want him to be happy." (I'll blog about "happiness" at a later time)
I left that night and took the kids with me to my mom and dad's house but Edison wouldn't go to sleep and the girl's couldn't go to sleep. I loaded them up late that night and we went back home. On Monday morning of Thanksgiving week, we had an appointment to get Edison's name changed from Eddy Alejandro to Edison Alejandro, a name Husband and I had chosen together. We went to court in the pouring rain and took care of that. I ran to the car and was drenched. Husband buckled Edison into his car seat and then knocked on my window. I rolled the window down and he had a file folder in his hand, he said, "I'm going back in to file divorce papers." Again, I was devastated. How TACKY --- and that's all I'm going to say about that...no, actually it's not! Our son will see the date on this important paper changing his name. This is a court paper that he will need to use a few times during his life. It will not take much for him to realize that his dad filed for divorce from his mom on the SAME day, just two months after he arrived home. He could have filed for divorce the next day or the next week, he didn't have to file on such an important day in Edison's history! Thanksgiving was sad and difficult.
I remained in the house and so did he. I wanted Edison to have ONE Christmas with his whole family together. I didn't want to uproot my children and I didn't have the money it would take to establish a new residence. He didn't want to leave for fear of it appearing that he was abandoning his kids. It was a stressful time for all of us. All I could do was cry. He wouldn't talk. The girls were quiet and visibly upset. Edison was transitioning through so many things. He was learning a new language, adjusting to new foods, new smells, people who looked different, a new home, becoming part of what was supposed to be a "forever" family. Financially, I was finally able to move out on New Year's Eve. Our divorce was final the week before Valentine's Day and Husband became Wasband. He married the "someone else" less than 7 months later on Labor Day weekend. (See a pattern of holiday's here? He's so unoriginal - LOL)
I tell you all of this craziness to let you know that God had a plan, even in all of this mess. I know that I have not seen His entire plan come full circle and I may never. I know this much...God knew that Edison needed a family and although it's not the best option, I believe in his case that a split family is definitely better than no family at all. God knew that I needed Edison. My daughters were the ages of 10 and 14 at the time we separated. While they will always "need" their mother, they did not "need" me to bathe, feed or clothe them. When we first separated, the girls split their time equally between Wasband and myself by spending one week with me and then one week with him. If I had not had Edison in my life during that time, I feel certain I would have crawled into a fetal position on those weeks without them and slipped into a depressive state that would have been difficult to recover. The thing is...I had Edison, a little boy, less than two years old, who needed me to feed him, bathe him, clothe him, care for him. He needed love, hugs and kisses.
Edison is very aware of human emotions and I think that is because of his own life experiences. I would sometimes sit on the couch, watching tv when the girls were with their dad, and just start crying. He couldn't talk, but he would crawl up on the couch and stand next to me and rub my arm or my hair. He would lay his head in my lap and force me to look at him and would smile the biggest smile in the world! He gave me a reason to smile and he made me laugh when I had nothing to laugh about. He loved me unconditionally! Just today, I was laying on the bed reading with him and out of the blue he asked me if I was happy. I smiled and said, "yes, Edison, Mommy is happy" and he said, "I like you to be happy." He is the most compassionate 3 year old boy you will ever meet. I hate the circumstances he came into and I hate that he had to adjust to so much in the 1st year he was home, but I know these experiences shaped him into the toddler he is and will play a major role in the boy and man he will become.
I had an elderly aunt ask my mother if I "intended to send him back" since Wasband had left. My mom laughed and said, "no, she's not gonna send him back." I want Edison to know that I fought like HELL to make sure he became MY SON and he doesn't know it now, but he gave me the energy to fight to survive the most horrible thing I have experienced in my life to date! I never once thought of ending my life because I have always had too much to live for with my wonderful family and beautiful daughters, but Edison forced me to keep going, to not give up, to not roll up and accept defeat - I fought and because of that, I have learned that I am a very strong woman and an extremely capable single mom.
This isn't the typical adoption story. It's not the story I want to tell but it's the story God has written for me. Edison's family tree will have roots, branches and extra limbs. He has biological parents, biological siblings, adoptive parents, adoptive sisters, a stepparent and step-siblings and he is going to be okay! Most of all, he has a mother who absolutely adores him, who spoils him and who will try to make sure that through all of the emotional trauma and confusion he has experienced in his young life, that he will grow up to be a wonderful, caring and compassionate man --- who can play soccer, football and baseball like no other little boy who has ever been raised by a single mom :-)
P.S. The novelty hasn't worn off - I DO IT ALL with very little help!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Arrogant, Demanding Lawyers!
I graduated from Eastern Kentucky University in May, 2007, with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Child and Family Studies. I had a blast going back to college in my mid-30s. I met some wonderful, fun, young people who have become very good friends. I helped them with projects and they helped me escape for a few hours each day. In a way I was sad to leave my "young" friends I had made and at the same time, I was excited to finally be working in a field I enjoyed.
Rewind to 1988 - I had graduated from high school and knew I needed to go to college - I wanted to go to college. Actually, I had always wanted to be a teacher, but I was also ready to get a job, make money, buy a car and get married. The option I chose was a degree I could finish in two years. The degree I chose was probably the biggest mistake I have made in my life. I chose this field because my boyfriend, who later became my husband, who is now my Wasband, had a cousin who had gone to school to become a Paralegal. She had graduated a few years prior and was making "big" money and loving her job. Okay, it was settled - EKU was close to home and they offered a two year degree program in Paralegal Studies. Decision made!
I skirted through those two years of college - made mostly C's - took most of my classes around my soap opera schedule, saw the boyfriend as much as I possibly could - got married during Spring Break my first year and graduated in August of 1990. School was okay, learning to be a paralegal was okay, actually working for lawyers --- not okay! The majority of lawyers for whom I have worked have been arrogant, demanding and major procrastinators! The job took many hours from my day and added lots of stress and sleepless nights. Now, not ALL lawyers that I worked for acted this way and I'm not saying that EVERY lawyer has these qualities, but in my experience, more were like this than were not.
Even though I was young, I was good at what I did! Nothing gave me more of a high than to be reading someone's medical records from 20 years earlier only to discover that they had seen a doctor for a back injury but failed to mention they had ever had a back injury in the past but were now trying to bleed some poor person's insurance dry for a settlement because of a back injury they alleged to have received in a recent minor car collision. Although I enjoyed finding the "dirt" when I worked as an insurance defense paralegal, I was sympathetic when I worked for the Plaintiff. There are lots of people who have legitimate claims for injuries and a right to draw disability benefits and I worked hard to help them get what they deserved. My favorite part of the job was listening to the clients and trying to encourage them through the drawn out process while they struggled through their pain and money loss and as they tried to hold out for a settlement. I liked my jobs - I didn't like the stress of deadlines or the arrogant people for whom I worked, however, I suffered through 10 years promising to stick with it until my student loan was paid in full.
Once my student loan was paid in full, I took some different jobs - I took part-time paralegal jobs, I worked as a Kindergarten Assistant, I worked as a Victim's Advocate and finally got the opportunity to go back to school to major in what I loved most - family dynamics! I loved learning all about children and families and family interactions. I enjoyed learning about family stress and resilience, child development, communication, psychology, diversity, marriages, sexuality, families, etc. Two weeks from graduation, in May of 2007, I accepted a position as an adoption caseworker with A Helping Hand Adoption Agency. I was going to work in the adoption field - an area that many social work majors and child and family studies majors dream of. I had landed a dream job. Not only did I begin learning all about the adoption process, 4 months later, I began my own adoption process...that story will follow in a few days...
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Journey to Mya Grace
I have one of the absolute best jobs in the world! This weekend confirmed it. Don't get me wrong --- I complain about the pay, the lack of benefits and sometimes, the hours, but I got a brand new perspective this weekend.
On Saturday evening, I took my three children with me to Bluegrass Field to welcome the Morris family home. Kaywood and Debbie Morris, along with their son, Dalton, left Lexington, Kentucky a little over two weeks ago to take a life changing trip to The People's Republic of China. Yesterday, they were all smiles as they came down the escalator holding their beautiful daughter from China, a family of four, a family complete!
I have known Kaywood and Debbie since high school and I'm very close to Debbie's sister, Susan, as we cheered together years ago for the Garrard County Golden Lions. Susan was so anxious on Saturday night to be reunited with her family. She missed her sister, her nephew and her brother-in-law terribly while they were gone and she was super excited to meet her new niece. I was having a wonderful time taking pictures for Susan and I enjoyed watching their hugs, tears, reunion and meeting.
Once Mya Grace had been properly introduced to all of her aunts, uncles, cousins and grandfather, I did something that I did not intend to do. I wanted to meet Miss Mya Grace, but I planned only to rub her arms and her back and using my softest, most soothing "baby-talk" voice, to say "Hi, Mya! It is so nice to finally meet you." I couldn't. Going against all advice I give as a Parent Education Coordinator for adoptive families, I took her out of another person's arms, and held her. She looked directly into my eyes and I looked directly into hers and I began to cry. I was completely overwhelmed by the emotions I had for this 19 month old Chinese angel.
The eyes I was looking into, were the same eyes that had looked at me from a photo almost a year ago. Through my work as Special Needs Coordinator for A Helping Hand Adoption Agency, I look at many children each month who are placed on a shared list by the China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA). The majority of these children are little girls and all of the children added to this list have a special medical need. Some of the children have minor needs and others have multiple and/or severe needs. ALL of these children need homes - all of these children deserve to be loved by a family.
Last summer, the Morris family contacted me and began asking lots of questions about adoption. By December, their home study was complete and they were ready to begin searching for a child. About the same time, I saw a little girl on the list who caught my eye with one of the sweetest faces I had ever seen and believe me, I see a lot of sweet faces. By the beginning of 2010, Debbie and Kaywood were finishing up their paperwork to make this sweet baby girl part of their forever family - this little girl would be their Mya Grace. Fast forward through the difficult months of waiting and they finally arrived home last night to begin their life at home together.
My job is not always wonderful. I work with families through the frustrating paperchase, I encourage them through the difficult waiting phase, I sometimes have to give bad news to families and occasionally help them through a grieving process. Personally, it's sometimes difficult to look at hundreds of files of children with severe disfigurements and disabilities. Looking at children, knowing they will NEVER have a forever family either because they will not live long enough to be united with a family, will age out of the system before their family can be found, or they have too severe of a special need to be adopted by a family. I realized long ago that I cannot get attached to these children. I cannot look into their eyes, because looking into their eyes, takes me into their soul. I know it is not possible for me to find families for all of these children but I know God has blessed me to become part of an important ministry placing as many as possible.
In my heart, I know that God is ultimately in control of placing families together. He knows which children will be placed on the CCAA's list in any given month. He knows which families are paper-ready to be matched. He knows the who, what, when, where and why and He uses me and our agency as a tool to put these families together. Sometimes the match doesn't work out but even then, I know God has a plan. I have told families before who have had to decline a referral for whatever reason that I don't know why God put a child into their path but that He has a plan in all situations. Many times, I believe it is God's plan that the family know a particular child exists in China. Knowing the child exists opens up the ability to pray personally for that child. To have others pray for that child - families, churches, communities. That particular child can be lifted up to God by his or her Chinese name. The child may have never been prayed for before, but now can be. Knowing there are hundreds and hundreds of orphaned children in China, families sometimes learn of one child who lives in a particular orphanage in one of the many provinces in China. They learn the specific needs of that child - physical, mental, emotional, financial and spiritual needs. They can lift this child up to God and make a personal request on behalf of this child. That has to mean something!
Mya Grace Morris is one of those children whose eyes I did look into - God wanted me to see something in her soul. God knew Mya Grace while He knitted her in her biological mother's womb. He knew that Kaywood and Debbie Morris would raise her as their own daughter. He coordinated Mya's file being placed on the shared list around the same time that Kaywood and Debbie were paper-ready to be matched. The first time I saw Mya's sweet face, I immediately thought of Debbie and Kaywood Morris. It was no coincidence. God orchestrated that! That's how He works and it is amazing when you can stand back and see how all things work to the Glory of God!
I've met several of the children whom I have had a role in placing with families but this is the first time that I have seen it all come full circle. From the beginning thinking about it stage, through all the paperwork and waiting, to finally arriving home, has been an eye opening experience. From looking into the eyes on a computer screen to actually holding, hugging, touching, and finally making real eye contact with the same baby, has truly been an amazing journey - one that has made me realize one of the many purposes I have on this Earth.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of the Journey to Mya Grace :-)
**** NOTE: I am an adoptive mommy myself and I have my own adoption testimony that I will share soon. This was a different experience - a different perspective - one I wanted to share.
On Saturday evening, I took my three children with me to Bluegrass Field to welcome the Morris family home. Kaywood and Debbie Morris, along with their son, Dalton, left Lexington, Kentucky a little over two weeks ago to take a life changing trip to The People's Republic of China. Yesterday, they were all smiles as they came down the escalator holding their beautiful daughter from China, a family of four, a family complete!
I have known Kaywood and Debbie since high school and I'm very close to Debbie's sister, Susan, as we cheered together years ago for the Garrard County Golden Lions. Susan was so anxious on Saturday night to be reunited with her family. She missed her sister, her nephew and her brother-in-law terribly while they were gone and she was super excited to meet her new niece. I was having a wonderful time taking pictures for Susan and I enjoyed watching their hugs, tears, reunion and meeting.
Once Mya Grace had been properly introduced to all of her aunts, uncles, cousins and grandfather, I did something that I did not intend to do. I wanted to meet Miss Mya Grace, but I planned only to rub her arms and her back and using my softest, most soothing "baby-talk" voice, to say "Hi, Mya! It is so nice to finally meet you." I couldn't. Going against all advice I give as a Parent Education Coordinator for adoptive families, I took her out of another person's arms, and held her. She looked directly into my eyes and I looked directly into hers and I began to cry. I was completely overwhelmed by the emotions I had for this 19 month old Chinese angel.
The eyes I was looking into, were the same eyes that had looked at me from a photo almost a year ago. Through my work as Special Needs Coordinator for A Helping Hand Adoption Agency, I look at many children each month who are placed on a shared list by the China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA). The majority of these children are little girls and all of the children added to this list have a special medical need. Some of the children have minor needs and others have multiple and/or severe needs. ALL of these children need homes - all of these children deserve to be loved by a family.
Last summer, the Morris family contacted me and began asking lots of questions about adoption. By December, their home study was complete and they were ready to begin searching for a child. About the same time, I saw a little girl on the list who caught my eye with one of the sweetest faces I had ever seen and believe me, I see a lot of sweet faces. By the beginning of 2010, Debbie and Kaywood were finishing up their paperwork to make this sweet baby girl part of their forever family - this little girl would be their Mya Grace. Fast forward through the difficult months of waiting and they finally arrived home last night to begin their life at home together.
My job is not always wonderful. I work with families through the frustrating paperchase, I encourage them through the difficult waiting phase, I sometimes have to give bad news to families and occasionally help them through a grieving process. Personally, it's sometimes difficult to look at hundreds of files of children with severe disfigurements and disabilities. Looking at children, knowing they will NEVER have a forever family either because they will not live long enough to be united with a family, will age out of the system before their family can be found, or they have too severe of a special need to be adopted by a family. I realized long ago that I cannot get attached to these children. I cannot look into their eyes, because looking into their eyes, takes me into their soul. I know it is not possible for me to find families for all of these children but I know God has blessed me to become part of an important ministry placing as many as possible.
In my heart, I know that God is ultimately in control of placing families together. He knows which children will be placed on the CCAA's list in any given month. He knows which families are paper-ready to be matched. He knows the who, what, when, where and why and He uses me and our agency as a tool to put these families together. Sometimes the match doesn't work out but even then, I know God has a plan. I have told families before who have had to decline a referral for whatever reason that I don't know why God put a child into their path but that He has a plan in all situations. Many times, I believe it is God's plan that the family know a particular child exists in China. Knowing the child exists opens up the ability to pray personally for that child. To have others pray for that child - families, churches, communities. That particular child can be lifted up to God by his or her Chinese name. The child may have never been prayed for before, but now can be. Knowing there are hundreds and hundreds of orphaned children in China, families sometimes learn of one child who lives in a particular orphanage in one of the many provinces in China. They learn the specific needs of that child - physical, mental, emotional, financial and spiritual needs. They can lift this child up to God and make a personal request on behalf of this child. That has to mean something!
Mya Grace Morris is one of those children whose eyes I did look into - God wanted me to see something in her soul. God knew Mya Grace while He knitted her in her biological mother's womb. He knew that Kaywood and Debbie Morris would raise her as their own daughter. He coordinated Mya's file being placed on the shared list around the same time that Kaywood and Debbie were paper-ready to be matched. The first time I saw Mya's sweet face, I immediately thought of Debbie and Kaywood Morris. It was no coincidence. God orchestrated that! That's how He works and it is amazing when you can stand back and see how all things work to the Glory of God!
I've met several of the children whom I have had a role in placing with families but this is the first time that I have seen it all come full circle. From the beginning thinking about it stage, through all the paperwork and waiting, to finally arriving home, has been an eye opening experience. From looking into the eyes on a computer screen to actually holding, hugging, touching, and finally making real eye contact with the same baby, has truly been an amazing journey - one that has made me realize one of the many purposes I have on this Earth.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of the Journey to Mya Grace :-)
**** NOTE: I am an adoptive mommy myself and I have my own adoption testimony that I will share soon. This was a different experience - a different perspective - one I wanted to share.
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